//------------------------------// // Chapter One but Jim's day "working" at his restaurant is cut short and he meets horse royalty // Story: Dear Leader but He's In Equestria // by RickAndMicrophone //------------------------------// Jim Pickens was happy about the success of his new restaurant. He was able to trap several customers in it because he hired a bouncer who would not let anybody out unless they were a 5 Star Celebrity. It was an elaborate scheme, one that only an evil genius would come up with. That's exactly what Jim is. The only items on the menu were pufferfish, which could be deadly if prepared improperly, and a glass of water. On occasion, Jim would serve breadsticks. Most of the time he'd eat half of them himself while the customers wouldn't buy them, even though it was the only non-deadly food they served there. It was also free. What moron would pass up on something that was free for fuck sake? Anyways, everything was going great for Jim. People were dying left and right due to the terrible pufferfish the chef would cook, the urns would be put outside to keep the customers from "crying over spilled milk" as Jim would say, and Jim's good pal Shrek would impregnate the male customers just by waving. Business was booming. It was 8 hours later when something more odd than usual happened. Jim was just eating a breadstick in the bedroom behind the restaurant, which Jim just built for the restaurant for no particular reason, when Shrek came in and noticed him. "Jim!" Shrek cried. "What do you want, Shrek? I have breadsticks to attend to," Jim griped. "Yer glowing!" "Why thank you, Shrek, but I'm not interested in flirting with people right now, I just want to eat my bre-" "No, I mean yer literally glowing!" Jim went silent. He couldn't think of a way to respond to such a ridiculous claim. Shrek must be feckin' blind, Jim thought. There's no way I'm glowing right now; I haven't done anything that would cause that to happen. I definitely haven't touched anything radioactive, right? Is First Name radioactive? He probably is, the little shit. "I can tell ya don't believe me, ya fecker," Shrek said, a little peeved, "Look at yer bloody hands!" When Jim followed Shrek's command, he noticed that Shrek was not blind as he hyperbolically thought. A goldish-yellow aura surrounded his hands, getting more intense with every second passing by. Eventually he disappeared in front of Shrek's eyes in some sort of a magical "poof!" Shrek waited several minutes before saying, "He better not be feckin' dead. I don't want ta lose me only friend forever." Jim opened his eyes and stood up. Right away, he noticed that he didn't recognize the place he was in. Surrounding him were several pillars and monochromatic stained glass windows. These pictures look feckin' boring, Jim thought. They should replace these windows with pictures of my likeness. That would spice up the place. He then looked down to see that he was standing on red carpet, walking along it to see where it leads to. Looking up, he noticed a throne, designed with stars and the sun with a white unicorn with wings sitting on it. Or was it a pegasus with a horn? He didn't care, it was probably just a dumb animal. The true ruler of this place will probably be arriving shortly. "So, I've been kidnapped by a monarchy," Jim said to no one in particular. "It's actually a diarchy. I rule with my sister," the pegacorn (?) replied. "I didn't know I summoned an intelligent creature who could speak our language." "WHAT THE FECK?" Jim screamed in confusion. "YOU CAN TALK?" "Yes, I can. And as I've just stated, I and my sister rule this land we call Equestria. My name is Princess Celestia. What's yours?" Still a little shocked by this princess horse speaking English, Jim tries to form a coherent sentence, but fumbles for words. "Uhh... my name is... er... Jim Pickens." "Jim Pickens? That's a strange name. Do other creatures like you have such odd names?" Jim was appalled that someone would insult his outstanding title. "The feck do you mean 'strange name?'" "I..." Princess Celestia couldn't reply to that. This creature obviously thought highly of his name, whatever it meant. "You know what? I don't care anymore. Let's talk about more serious matters," Jim said. "Why did you kidnap me? I was in the middle of eating a breadstick and running a successful restaurant." "Truthfully, I just wanted an exotic pet, one that is of unknown species, unlike Philomena, my pet phoenix," Celestia replied. "It was going to be a surprise gift for my sister, but I can't give her an intelligent species now, can I?" "Isn't that technically adoption?" Jim asked. "I mean, I'm too old to be adopted and I can take care of myself, but still." Now that I think about it, I should've put First Name up for adoption, Jim thought after his question. "I guess so," Celestia said with a chuckle before frowning. "and what you said about being too old is also correct, unfortunately. How am I supposed to find a pet for Luna now?" "That's not my problem, Princess Celestia," Jim said abruptly. "I have other things to worry about, like getting back home, where I can continue running my restaurant." "I understand," Celestia conceded, before making her horn glow, answering Jim's question about the glow that was on him that he forgot to ask, although this raised more questions. Unfortunately for Jim, the glow didn't have any effect on getting him home. This really pissed him off. "WHY THE FECK DID THAT ONLY WORK WHEN YOU BROUGHT ME HERE?" Jim swore. "I'm sorry, Mr. Pickens. I truly am." Celestia didn't know what to do with Jim. He had to stay in Equestria, while she tries to figure out how he's going to get home. He obviously doesn't know the culture of Equestria and, judging by his words, his society doesn't know how magic works. I probably shouldn't let him live in the castle, because he definitely doesn't like it here, Celestia thought. Maybe, I could send Mr. Pickens to Ponyville. That's where I sent Twilight to learn about friendship. Obviously, he needs some friends if he doesn't wish to stay lonely. A warm smile grew on Celestia's face. "I have a great idea, Mr. Pickens," Celestia began. "You will spend the remainder of your 'vacation' in Ponyville. It's a wonderful town in Equestria. The locals there are very friendly. You don't have to worry about any danger. Well, most of the time you don't." I'm sure most of the time, I'll be the one causing the danger, princess. Maybe I should go, I might be able to continue my cult in Ponyville, regardless of the dumb name. Just imagine it. Me and a bunch of horses WooHooing and being mischievous. Actually, scratch the WooHooing. I'm not into that sort of thing with horses. Jim thought to himself. "Anyways, it's a nice town, and I hope you don't mind staying there until I figure out how to send you back to your world. Is that okay with you, Mr. Pickens?" Jim Pickens responded almost immediately, "I'll be more than happy to." "Then it's settled," Princess Celestia declared. "You'll be going to Ponyville. I'll just cast a spell and you'll be there almost immediately." "Wait a feckin' minute," Jim Pickens tried to argue, but it was too late. Princess Celestia cast the teleportation spell and Jim was standing next to a giant gingerbread house. Goddamnit, thought Jim. If she couldn't teleport me home, how the FECK could she teleport me here? And why is this pink horse looking at me funny? Before he could ask the pink horse what she was doing, she gasped very loudly and darted away. "What's her problem?" Jim questioned before heading into the gingerbread house. "I better have not just encountered a witch that might throw me into an oven like in Hansel and Gretel. Actually, scratch that. I hope she's a witch. I might just to add her to my cult."