//------------------------------//
// 2 - Money for Nothing 
// Story: My Little Treekicker - Fanfiction is Magic 
// by ShrimpShogun 
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“Phew,” I managed to escape the Friendship museum with my sanity in tact. I admitted, I did feel a might guilty over knocking out that sour apple. Hopefully he wasn’t too bruised, especially for his mama’s sake.
“Woah!” a loud honk just about scared me out of my horseshoes. I leapt onto the sidewalk before the biggest wagon I’d ever seen drove past. Loud, mean and full of smog, I’d never seen anything like it before, or anything that big movin’ that fast next to a train.
I shook my head and got back in gear, “The girls are waiting. Get it together, AJ.” First things first, I needed to get a lay of the land, and figure out just where I was headin’. I pulled the map from my traveler’s kit. I wasn’t sure who this Thomas feller was, but given he was some kind of locomotive, he just had to know his way around, “You better not let me down, Thomas...”
I searched the area for names or landmarks. I had to admit, the countryside helped me relax my nerve. There were plenty of hills and the horizon was covered in mountain ranges. The site of a vineyard really helped lift my spirits, but I had to stay focused. “Sonoma County Vineyard” read a quaint sign swinging in the breeze. “M’mm...” I could smell the orchard in the wind, which did more harm than good quite frankly. My tummy agreed, “It has been a rough day so far.” I only had myself to blame though. It’s what I got for skippin’ breakfast to get ahead of schedule.
I had some words with my new friend Thomas, and managed to fish out Sonoma. It wasn’t much of a start, but at least I knew where I was on the map, at least I thought so anyway.
“Hng,” My gut didn’t know when to quit, “There’s just gotta’ be some grub around here somewhere.” I kept trottin’ down the road. Eventually, a tall sign peeked out over the trees. “Burger... King?”. Now I’d never heard of a king of burgers before, nor did I know why a king would plant a sign of himself like that in the first place, but if he was worth his weight in royalty, I reckoned he’d know something about this here Lauren Faust character. Not to mention that maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to negotiate a tasty hay burger out of him too.
I got back on my way, hoping the guards wouldn’t give me too much trouble. A rustle caught the corner of my eye, “Who's there?”
An odd looking man stumbled out of a bush, wearing seven different outfits. Poor feller face-planted himself into the sidewalk on his introduction.
“Heh.. You alright there, Sugarcube?” he was lanky fellow, looking like he plum fell out of a tractor wearin’ two left shoes.
He got his act together and looked up at me, less confused than I’d expected, “Hee~eey man, an octopus told me you had some Kit-kats. You got some Kit-kats..?” He tried to get close and put an arm around me, but I was quick to the dodge, “I’ve got the cream, le’me hit some Kit-kats.” he pulled out a wad of gnarled up green bills with coins stuck all over them like flies on a caramel apple.
“Uh.. I sure don’t have any Kitty-cats, but I-I do have a question actually...” he could’ve been the royal jester, or the town fool for all I knew. “Do you know anything about the Burger King?” it was worth a shot I thought.
“Burger King? Yeah, man, I know a guy there. That’s where I get my applejacks, man.” He got on all fours, trying to meet me eye to eye I assumed. I imagined he was trying to imitate me, but it didn’t help me understand the situation.
“Applejacks? What do ya’ mean? My name’s Applejack.”
“Whaaaaat...?” his eyes glowed, “You’re an Applejack? Can I have some of your Applejacks?”
I, I was really confused. I probably shouldn’t have said a word really. I was fixin’ for an escape, but I was feelin’ more cornered than a fritter at the county fair. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I reached into my makeshift travelpack, and offered him a trophy I’d borrowed from that big wheelbarrow’s creepy room. It was a tiny figurine of your’s truly.
He made a gasp and tossed the ball of coins at me, cupping the thing in his hands, “The Applejack gave me a tiny Applejack... Woah...!” I could see the stars spinnin’ in his eyes, “Thankyooouu...!”
“You’re... welcome!” I nodded, with cautious relief.
The cowpoke literally seized up and fell onto his side, clutching the piece of me to his chest like he’d just won the lottery.
“You take care now, ya’hear?” It was probably for the best that I’d gotten rid of that thing anyway. It was kinda’ sticky and was startin’ to smell.


I came to an intersection and there it was, the smallest, most underwhelming castle I’d ever seen. In fact, I reckon it wasn’t even a real castle. It just looked like an ordinary restaurant. “Hah..” I rolled my eyes, pretending I wasn’t that much of a knucklehead, “Well, at least grabbin some grub’ll be a lot easier.”
Just as I made my way across the street, a big ‘ol loaf of bread rolled past a wide puff of smoke that landed right in my face. I coughed up something fierce, “What the hay?!” I had a hoof ready to demand some answers, that is until it came to a stop just ahead of me, “Oh, a... school bus...?” the sign read on its rear end. I was on a roll today.


The big rig creaked and rocked as a pair of doors opened up. A herd of human kids spilled out in every direction.
“Ha ha, what a dork!” one youngin’ in particular held a big stuffed toy of Fluttershy of all ponies high above his head. He danced about and mocked the thing with two of his cronies, flying her through the air like she’d never flown before, “Look at me! I’m still playing with ponies in 2019! My interests are wildly out of touch with today’s culture!” they were relentless.
“Give it back!” a little squirt was the last to get off of the bus, she couldn’t have been any older than Applebloom, “Stop it!” but she was an apple too short to defend herself. Those good for nothin’ bullies taunted her, laughing and running around her in circles playing keep-away. I could see a twinkle building up in her eye, “Please! Just give me back my Flutter-Oof!” One of the outlaws did her in with a trip of their boot, sending her face first into the grass.
I’d just about had enough, “Hey!” I shouted, stampeding over with the devil in my eye, “Ya’ll better leave her alone or you’re gonna’ catch a wallop!”
“What the hell is that thing?” one of them cried.
“Bro, is that a pony?” another one questioned, “Or did she dress up her dog in one of her cosplays?”
I didn’t know what a cosplay was but, “Ya’ll wanna find out?” I walked right up to the leader keepin’ Fluttershy hostage, “Ya’ think you’re so tough, huh? Pickin’ on a little girl half your age like that! Ya oughta’ be ashamed of yourself!” I really let ‘em have it, “Give her back her toy, now! Or I’m gonna square dance all over your graves!”
I got an awkward look, “Bro, let’s just dip. I think these eddie’s are kickin’ in...”
“Yeah, bro. I think I’m turning into a character with a personality, or maybe a strawberry.”
“Dude, same!” The leader tossed Fluttershy back at the girl, “Stay lame, fam.” and the gang conveniently flew the coop before I clobber some heads. Hopefully they weren’t going to call the police...
I lent the little sunflower my hoof and got her back up on her feet, “You alright there, Clementine?”
Her little pigtails were adorable, and she had the cutest little shirt on of me and my friends. She’d completely forgotten about the bandits however. I had her full attention, “A-Applejack..? Is that really you?”
I chuckled, “In the horseshoes! Pleased to meet ya’, Sugarcube.” the celebrity life wasn’t entirely my bag of apples, but seein’ her face light up like that made it worthwhile. She stood there in awe, but must not have been convinced that I was the real mccoy. The sunflower grabbed one of my hooves lookin’ for a stamp of authenticity, then checking the rim of my hat for forgery. She even pinched one of my ears. I giggled, “Hey-!” my ears are ticklish, I can’t help it.
“I-It is you!” she glowed with a smile that’d make Pinkie jealous, “You are real! I can’t believe it! You’re really really real!” she hopped about holding my hooves. Those varmits probably weren’t wrong about her being a dork, but I found it pretty endearing, “It’s like Equestria Girls, but in reverse!”
Equestrian what? I thought. Nevermind, probably another weird fantasy I’m somehow involved with in these here parts.
“My name’s Megan! It’s so nice to finally meet you after all of these years! Where, what, how’d you even wind up here?”
“It’s a bit of a story, but I’m tryin’ to figure that out myself...”
“Come on! Let’s talk over there!” she pointed at one of the tables outside of the Burger King.
I nodded, it was probably smarter than talking by the street like that, especially with all these loaves of bread and smog everywhere flying everywhere.


We made our way over to a table. The sun was out on patrol, so we took a spot with a dinky umbrella over it, just me, Megan, and Fluttershy sittin’ in the shade.
She took out her wallet, “They don’t have a lot of vegetarian stuff here, but...”
“What’s a vegetarian?” somepony that only eats vegetables I wondered? What about fruits or grass? Bread?
She shook her head. I was probably embarrassin’ myself again, “Don’t worry, they have salads. Oh! They have apple pies too! I know how much you and the Apple family love apple pies!”
I pulled out the wrinkled ball of bits, “I don’t know how much this is, but... here.”
“Oh,” she organized the bread, “It’s only seven dollars and fifty two cents...”
It didn’t seem like a whole lot, “Is that a lot..?”
“I mean, you can buy a combo with that.” she chuckled, “You know what? Don’t worry about it. My treat, Applejack! Consider this a welcome to planet Earth.”
“Ah! Now ya’ don’t have to do that...” but she’d already scampered off, and was back in a jiffy with a tray of treats, “Well... that was fast.”
“They call it fast food here,” She offered me what she called a salad bowl, an apple pie, and a apple juice box. Honestly, I wasn’t too impressed, but I wasn’t about to let her know that, “So how’d you even get here? A magic well? A magic mirror portal?”
“Nah, not this time. Something... happened at the School of Friendship. I-I don’t really wanna’ get into it,” I’d been tryin’ to put it out of my mind and focus on returning home, but I left poor Granny and Applebloom back there. I should’ve been back by now. I tried the salad to help lift my spirits in front of the squirt, but it was horrible. Not even Fluttershy would touch it, she’d long given up her salad bowl to the flies, “Listen here, Megan.” I picked out the Magical Tome I’d been lugging around, and flipped it open, “Do you know somebody named Lauren Faust?”
Megan gasped, “Of course! Every pegasister knows her. She-!”
“Where is she? Where can I find her, Megan?”
She gave me a puzzled look, “I-I’m not sure, but...” and like a switch, her eyes lit up, “Babscon!”
“Babs who?”
“No, No, No! Babs-Con! It’s a Pony Convention over in San Francisco! They invited Lauren Faust there as a guest! If there’s one place you’ll be able to find her for sure, it’ll be there.”
“San Francisco?” I snatched out my map. It was in hard bold, and not too far off from Sonoma either, at least by a few inches anyway, “Is that far from here? What’s the fastest way there, Megan?”
“Well, maybe take a cab? Or go by train?” She took a sip from her juice box, “But getting there’s going to cost you money, definitely more than what you have. It’s about an hour’s drive away. Plus Babscon is like forty bucks... I wish I could go. It’s this weekend too!”
“Why can’t you go?” I woofed down the apple pie in one bite. By Celestia, tt was the worst apple pie I’d ever had.
“My mom thinks that the people that go there are weird.”
I was about to ask what she meant, but after my close encounter, I had a good idea of what she meant, “I think I know what you’re talkin’ about.”
“I mean, my brother goes every year, and he’s the weirdest! Ugh!” She grabbed a quick bite out of her apple pie. I made a promise to myself that if I ever returned here, I was gonna’ bring her a slice of some real apple pie, “So how’re you going to get there? I’d tell my mom to take us, but... she’d probably freak out.”
“You mentioned a train. Any idea where I could catch one?”
She wondered for a moment, scratching her head, “Oh, there’s a railroad track a few blocks that’a way! I don’t think I’ve ever seen people on it though, just carts of stuff.” She whipped out some fancy shmancy flat looking box from her her pocket and started swipin’ it until it lit up, “I’ll check it out, one sec.”
I muscled down another helpin’ of the seaweed that passed for salad in these parts and leaned over, “What the hay’s that thing? Some kinda’ magical artifact or somethin’?”
Megan snorted, “It’s a smart phone!” she kept running her fingers all over it like she was planning on summoning a demon, “Oh! Lucky you! That train actually goes south west from here. It’ll leave you right by the Golden Gate bridge. Cross that and you’ll be in San-Fran in no time flat.” She lifted up her demonbox and showed me some shapes and words that didn’t make too much sense, but I took her word for it.
I didn’t want to jinx it, but this just got a whole lot easier. I just needed to find my way into that Babs Khan and I might just have my ticket home, “Thanks for everything, Megan.” I finished up my juicebox and gave her a big hug, “You’re a true true friend. If you ever find a way to come visit, you’ll always have a home in Sweet Apple Acres.”
I could tell she was a might giddy. She didn’t exactly want to let go, “Are you cryin’, Sugarcube?”
“N-No...” she sniffed away a tear, “I’m just so happy...”
I chuckled, “Ya’ know, Fluttershy would’ve loved to have met you. I bet ya’ll would’ve had a swell time feddin’ her pets.”
I made things a lot worse. She hugged me so hard that I thought I was gonna’ pop an apple, “That would’ve been so cute!” she squealed.


Eventually, I pried myself out of her grip and went on my way. Her smile could’ve lit up all of Tartarus. “I’ll make sure to tell the girls all about you! I’ll never forget about you, Megan!” I waved for as long as I could, “Ya’ take care now, ya’hear?”
“Good luck, Applejack! Stay safe! I promise to only watch Friendship is Magic on Discovery Family!”
I had no idea what that meant, but I smiled and kept waving until I was gone.


If I’m being honest, and I usually am, the railroad tracks weren’t that hard to find. The main road led me right to them, just like Megan said. Now all I had to do wait for a train to fly by and grab on. The hard part now was the waiting game, and I was in no mood to stand around, “C’mon...” it was startin’ to get dark out.
Just then, a crazy shriek peeled up to the side of the road, slappin’ me out of my daze, “What in the hay was-?”
It was another one of them loud ponyless carriages. A door flew open, and almost fell off its hinge in the process, “You little...!”
It was Charlie, and I reckoned he hadn't exactly learned his lesson yet.
He gnarled and slammed the door to his wagon shut, “You damn troll! You stole my stuff and you humiliated me on my own stream!"
“On what now? And Looky-here, I’m sorry that I took your stuff, but my friends and I are in real trouble! Besides, you tried to-!”
He’d put on his big boy shoes, and began the march. I could feel the rumble, “I can’t believe I ever loved you! Dashie’s a way better Waifu than you are anyway! You're an awful tulpa! I should never have wasted so much time on a dumb background pony with no character at all!”
“Who’re you callin’ a background pony!?” I stamped a hoof, “Wanna’ go for another run? I’ll show ya’ some background all right, and some stars!"
Charlie took out another one of his witchcraft appliances, "Oh, don't you worry! You're going to get your's, you stupid overrated farm horse! I made you and I can unmake you!" he clicked something on the device and some strange music began to play. Actually, it wasn't half bad, a rather catchy bit of jazz and percussion full of energy. He suddenly jumped into a flashy pose, legs apart with one hand on his belt and the other pointin' right at me, "Star Platinum!!"


A cricket chirped in the background, and somebody cleared their throat a block away.


I blinked once, then twice, waitin' for something to happen, but he just stood there, strikin' an awkwardly heroic pose. I hid my face under my hat in embarrassment, "You're a few clowns short of a circus, huh nimrod? Anybody ever call you naive?"
The bag of potatoes sneered, “Ohhh, you shouldn’t have called me that... You shouldn’t have called me the N-word...”
“What? Nimrod?”
“Naive-!!” He held up a fist, which was as impressive as a rodeo clown at a bull run, “You just crossed the line, by saying the word naive...”
“What line?” I chuckled, “You mean the railroad tracks, tubby? Take a few more steps, why don’cha?”
“No, I'm not talking about the railroad tracks, I'm talking about you insulting me. I might have high-functioning autism, but I'm not naive! I just wanted you to be my friend, but you've been just awful to me. You're supposed to be a pony! What ever happened to friendship being magic!?”
I couldn’t believe it, ”You tried to rape me!”
“N-No I didn’t! Y-You better shut your mouth and not tell anybrony or I’ll-!”
“You might wanna’ move your thing, by the way,” this was priceless.
“M-My what-?”
A wail, almost as loud as Charlie’s squawkin', shook the entire block. Behind him thundered the mother of all locomotives, steaming mad and haulin’ ass. Ker-plooy! It took a heck of a bite out of Nimrod’s caravan.
“Oh God-!!” he had my pity. The fat lug had just enough agility to jump out of the way in time, rollin’ through the mud where he probably belonged.
I put up a hoof as the train blew past me, “Adios, amigo!” and let a railing drag me off to safer pastures. You had to have been there. You could’ve heard his squealing for miles around, “Yeehaw~!” I climbed up the railing of a rail car, and couldn't believe what Lady Luck had left me. My mouth watered over to tens of thousands of apples bein' hauled. I hopped it, laid back, took a bite, and enjoyed the ride.