//------------------------------// // The warden: tits me’gee and his retard three get fucked up by a dragon-born, a small basilisk, an anime protagonist and a hillbilly with a shotgun // Story: Dagmire the discorded goes to Equestria // by Theboxcatgamr //------------------------------// Things to buy: Milk, Eggs, Fruit thing?, Spanish cheese, Wait a second... It has just dawned upon me that this is in fact. Not notes. ANYWAY Dagmire awoke with another start and someone was knocking on the door. Grumbling Dagmire put on his pants and went to the door. It was a downtrodden strong “(Sigh) I need your help...” she admits “Ok” “I know I’ve- Wait what?” “You need help and that’s that. So I’m helping. Give me five minutes and a loaf of bread.” Strangely she had some on her “Alright. Now I gotta go round up my friends. This isn’t going to be something we can do alone” “What are your friends going to do? They clearly aren’t trained-“ “Well neither am I yet I still make heads stop, drop, and/or roll” Dagmire said while grabbing his armour and items from his chest “For something like this you’re going to need more than numbers” Strong said only now noticing that Dagmire wasn’t human anymore “True...give me ten more minutes.” Without any further information Dagmire left the bar and sprinted over to the library “Hey Clearance! We gotta go do stuff!” Dagmire shouted up to the balcony “Why? Kinda busy!” Clearance said while chasing a parasprite “No don’t hurt it!” Fluttershy called from within “Oh crap! We gotta get rid of that thing!” “Why? Is it dangerous?” Twilight asked “Yes! These things are literally what causes small towns like this one to fall apart!” The parasprite multiplied “That’s it! Dagmire call Cletus!” “CLETUS CLETUS CLETUS!” A massive bolt of thunder struck the ground leaving a large man in overalls wearing a dusty Stetson in its wake. The man spotted the bugs and immediately caught them in a butterfly net before smashing them with his boot obliterating both the bugs and the net. “You rang cousin?” The mountainous man asked. “Yep. We got a Zander situation again.” Dagmire said “Aight. Ah’ll help ya. Just like ol times!” “Who’s that Dagmire?” Twilight asked almost expecting such a strange occurrence at this point “This is my cousin Cletus. We’ve been close ever since we’ve met!” “Yup! Me n’ Daggy are slicker than spit on a sword!” Cletus said with a smile while hugging Dagmire “Ew.” “Well we got to get going now! We’ve got a corrupt prison to deal with” Dagmire said while Clearance followed the two heading to the bar. “Strong? Meet Cletus. He’s no stranger to this situation” “Howdy” Cletus said politely “Nice to meet you. Now we got to get there soon. He’s rounding up civilians as we speak” “What?!” “Ahm going to kill em...” Cletus said with a fire in his eyes “Well first we gotta get there. Let’s get going!” Clearance said while leading the way Three hours passed and they arrived at the town “...where is everyone?” Dagmire asked “...” Strong remained silent “Hey Cletus. We need to wishbone his ass” Dagmire said with a grimace “Ah was think’n the same thing” Cletus said “What’s a wishbone?” Strong asked “Well it’s when two people grab a person’s legs and pull in separate directions until one of them...breaks” Dagmire said not mentioning the fact that half the time a leg comes off “Alright. So here’s the plan. Dagmire will district the guards and Clearance will turn them to stone. We. Do. NOT. Kill. Then when we get to the warden and his three lackeys we do the same thing with them. Free everypony and get out before they break free of the stone.” Strong said “Alright. Let’s do this-“ “Ah already got em’” Cletus said while showing off the moving burlap sack containing the warden and three others “What?!” “While you were talking ah noticed he was walking the street burning buildings. So I just walked up n’ hogtied em” “Oh no” Strong said while the bag suddenly exploded “You thought you would get away with this?” The warden said while kicking away Cletus “This time. We’ll skip right to the execution” a lackey said with a shit eating grin “Ok. Strong? How about we finish this once and for all?” Dagmire offered “Maybe we’ll pay little breeze a visit-“ a lackey said before getting a hoof stuck in his teeth Strong slashed wildly at the lackey and eventually got a direct hit to the head. Dagmire took out his music box and wound up a crank. An intense melody began pounding from the box as Dagmire charged toward the warden. He dodged the warden’s wild swing and he grabbed the warden’s leg. Dagmire spun around madly with the stallion in his grasp “CLETUS! READY!” Cletus sprinted to Dagmire and cocked his shotgun “AIMING!” Dagmire threw the tiny horse into the air and Cletus fired a round into the target...only for it to break like it was a peace of glass Cletus was impaled by a horn and blown to pieces by its magic “Don’t you see? This is your fate” the warden spoke unaware of how bad of a mistake was made. “...” The lackey’s suddenly stopped fighting Clearance and Strong and suddenly dropped to the ground. Cletus’s body had floated into the air and the hole in his chest regrew. “All this will do is let me kill you again” Cletus And Dagmire grabbed his hind legs and split the warden in half. After screaming in agony the fake shattered “Oh you’re never going to le-“ the real warden was cut off by Dagmire’s frost breath encasing his head and a spear skewering him through the head “You know it’s- AGH!” The warden was silenced by the horn on the spear burning through his skull. Dagmire snapped the frozen horn off with ease severing the bone from the skull and stoping all of his magic. “This one’s for my friend...bitch” Strong drove the spear all the way through his head and hurled the spear with the warden still attached into a wall. The spear made contact and a massive blue explosion shredded what was left of the warden into ash. A lackey tried to backstab Strong but was bludgeoned by one of his now stoned partners “Cheeky cunt tried for a backstab.” Clearance said while tossing the statue he hit the pony with aside Strong collapsed to the floor and began crying. “...Ah gotta go tend to mah prickelpigs. It’s been fun” A bolt of lightning struck Cletus and he was gone leaving Dagmire and Clearance to tend to the sad mare “It’s going to be alright” Dagmire said awkwardly patting Strong on the head “Hey Strong. We got a prison full of innocent’s to deal with. You gotta be strong for them alright? They need a leader. Trust me” Clearance said wisely Strong nodded and wiped away the tears “O-ok. I can do this” she said while hugging Clearance and walking down to the prison without acknowledging Dagmire’s help “...alright. Let’s go home.” Dagmire said “Aren't you mad that she didn’t thank you?” Clearance asked “If we were getting paid that it would be different cause she would have just left without paying. That’s the time we go and ask for a thank you. And besides, who would want to thank me? You’re the saviour of this place.” Dagmire said sombrely “...” It was a quiet yet restless night for Clearance as he pondered what Dagmire said