Author's Note: I am not God-Empress Faust, and I do not own any these ponies. Nor am I Rowan Atkinson, and I don't own his sketch “Fatal Beatings”, which this silly fic shamelessly borrows from. I don't own the story image either, which comes from http://princesstrollestia.tumblr.com.
I also do not own a Zeppelin, although I would very much like one.
Enough with what I don't own. Enjoy my first pony fic! Um... if that's okay with you, I mean...
“Come in,” Princess Trollestia said sweetly.
Star Sparkle nervously pushed the door open and entered Her Mischievous Majesty's office. The commoner bowed low. Princess Trollestia had dispensed with her usual golden tiara and collar and was instead wearing her Headmistress attire, which consisted of a top hat, monocle, and bow tie. She took one last delicate nibble off the half-peeled banana she was levitating before setting it down on a silver platter.
“Thank you for coming, Mrs. Sparkle. Please, have a seat.” Trollestia offered, and the white and purple unicorn sat on a cushion in front of the desk. “Would you like a banana?”
Star Sparkle declined.
“Hmm... well now Mrs. Sparkle, it was good of you to come in. I realize you are a busy mare, but I didn't think this matter should be discussed by letter.”
“No, no, absolutely your majesty,” Star Sparkle said unhappily. “If Twilight is in any sort of trouble, I would like to nip it in the bud.”
“Well quite frankly, Twilight is in trouble,” Trollestia said gravely. “Recently her behavior has left a great deal to be desired.”
Trollestia levitated the banana and took another nibble. “She seems to take no interest in the Magic of Trolling, whatsoever. She just shuts herself in her room and reads all day, for days on end, and it has been weeks since she last attempted any sort of prank, which was rather feeble, I might add.”
“What did she do?” Star Sparkle asked nervously.
“She smeared ink on the lens rims of the astronomy telescopes.”
Star Sparkle chuckled nervously, but stopped upon seeing the Princess’ serious expression.
“I spotted it immediately. It was a foalish prank, one of the oldest in the book. Princess Trollestia's School for Gifted Unicorns has higher standards than that.”
“Oh… dear me.”
“Indeed. Her performance is appalling.” Trollestia calmly took another bite out of her banana. “Quite frankly Mrs. Sparkle, if she wasn’t dead, I’d have her expelled.”
It took a moment for the gravity of that statement to sink in. “I beg your pardon?” asked a shocked Star Sparkle.
“Yes, expelled,” Trollestia stressed. “If I wasn’t making allowances for the fact that your daughter is dead, she’d be out on her ear.”
“Twilight’s d-dead?” the white and purple unicorn croaked.
“Yes, yes, of course. She’s en route to a sterilized location,” the Princess said, looking upwards for a brief moment – her eyes appeared to be focused on something beyond just the ceiling above. “Turned into strawberry jam and frozen solid. And this is I fear, typical of her current attitude. You see, the filly has no sense of moderation. For months, she does nothing but stay in her room, but before you know it she’s moving at escape velocity.”
“How did she die?” Star Sparkle sobbed.
“Well is that important?”
“Well y-yes, I think so!” the mare said angrily through sniffles.
Princess Trollestia sighed. “Well… well it’s all got to do with the library, you see. We’ve had a bit of trouble with somepony shelving books in the wrong sections. Your daughter was caught, so I punished her by shooting her at the moon, during which she died. But you’ll be glad to know that the culprit was caught, so I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble with library book organization. You see, the Whinny Decimal system–”
“Wait, wait… YOU SENT MY DAUGHTER TO THE MOON?”
“Yes, yes, so it would seem,” Trollestia said lightly. “Please, I’m not used to being interrupted. You see, the Whinny Decimal system was introduced–”
“How could you do this?” Star Sparkle demanded, tears streaming from her eyes.
“Oh, it was rather easy. I simply shot Twilight out of my Moon Cannon, and the thousands of g’s of acceleration turned her into a fine paste. She should make impact in a couple of days–”
“No! I mean why would you do such a despicable thing?”
“Oh that?” the Princess said, surprised. “Oh… well, somepony has to keep the library sorted out, so I made sure Twilight was–”
“Mmmm… dead-ish. Mrs. Sparkle, I find this morbid fascination of yours with your daughter’s death quite disturbing. What we’re here to talk about is her attitude. And quite frankly, I can see where she gets it from.”
“Who are you to talk about attitude?” Despite her runny nose’s best efforts to sabotage her tone, the unicorn’s voice was icy. “It wasn’t me who sent her to the moon!”
“Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day Twilight arrived here,” Princess Trollestia huffed. “I wondered then as I wonder now if she would not have been such a party pooper if you had administered a few fatal moonings early on.”
Trollestia stood up from her cushion. “Yes, I’m furious! In order to accommodate her funeral, I’ve had to cancel Trixie’s lessons on Wednesday!”
Star Sparkle stood up too. “You’re sick! This is preposterous!”
“Yes, it is,” Trollestia answered simply. “Or at least it would be, if it were true.” She sat back down on her cushion, and took another bite out of her banana.
“What?” Star Sparkle asked, unsure if she heard the Princess correctly.
“I’ve been joking, Mrs. Sparkle. Pardon me, but it’s just my strange sense of humor that comes from being immortal. I’ve been pulling your leg,” Trollestia chuckled.
The unicorn collapsed onto her cushion in relief. “Oh… thank goodness!”
“That was funny, wasn’t it?” Princess Trollestia laughed and finally finished her banana. “I wouldn’t cancel Trixie’s lessons to bury that little bitch!”
A/N: Sorry Twilight! I still love you!