A Thief’s Tale: Path to Penance
Synopsis
In the beginning, there was a simple accident that kicked everything off. A single step in the wrong direction set Garrison Varas, also known as Gauche Suede, tumbling head over heels on Equestria’s very own, brand new Princess; Twilight Sparkle. After a brief exchange in a poorly lit alley, Garrison urges his new, naive companion to join him in finding safety for the night. Twilight, however, nearly gets them killed with her notion of asking a passing Minotaur for directions. Garrison in all his non retarded glory, decided that an axe wielding demon from the myths wasn’t something he wanted to face. Thoroughly routed by a man with horns, the duo scoured Grey Grotto for the better part of the night in search of suitable lodgings. By the time they’d found an inn willing to take them, Garrison had learned of his associate’s true identity and the dangers of being near her. Sometimes high risks net weighty rewards, so Garrison resolved to protect his new friend until they could get out of the scary city.
Until Luna showed up and snatched his meal ticket.
With Twilight out of the picture and no capital other than the Human variety, Garrison plied his old trade of thievery to make a quick buck, though his luck was surely running out. Unbeknownst to him, Garrison had attracted the attention of a rebel organization named ‘Bite-Back’, the voice of the Equisian people. Three vigilant members of the underground freedom fighting collective came to recruit the Human, but when they came, they couldn't find him. Steely, the accompanying Minotaur, tried sniffing him out, but didn’t find him. In fact, it was Frieda, the Gryphoness, that found him by sheer luck. Afterwards, Garrison attempted to talk his way into a decent deal to no avail, though he did garner an audience with a higher ranking member of the group. Thus, Garrison met Maud, the woman who was to become his wife and most loyal companion. She was also the woman who was to kick his arse for a few minutes until Garrison got his shit together. Sadly, all was not to go well for Garrison since he had a tendency to piss of the wrong people. One minor murderfest later, and Gary Boi was resting up in Maud’s room for a few day before being adopted by the ever loving, sociopathic sadist, ‘Pops’.
Meanwhile, as we follow Garrison’s adventure, we’ve learned that the being that took Garrison from his homeworld, Terra, was the very same being who’d made Twilight’s spell malfunction and thus spark the association between the two mortals. Maximus Omnium, the God of Gods, decided that Twilight was on the wrong side of the planet and convinced her to go back to Minosia to rescue her new friend. Applejack, the country Mare with a heart of gold, struck Max’s heartstrings like the hammers of a piano, making him deem her a ‘Favoured’ so he could guide her while he could. Sadly, he’d only initiated contact so she wouldn’t make Twilight see reason and not go to Minosia on the word of some creepy old thing that should be dead. Thankfully, Twilight is stubborn and Applejack trusts in the creator.
Which brings us back to Garrison and his lovely little life with Odysseus the Insane. After meeting and greeting half of the town as Odysseus’ adopted son, the Minotaur took him to a special little restaurant that served Satyr. Garrison took issue with the notion of eating a living, speaking creature, but as luck would have it, Odysseus crammed raw flesh down his throat and smashed the poor fellow up pretty well, making Garrison’s life continue on from the Sick Bay in Bite-Back Minosia’s HQ. It took a fair while and a good amount of drugs to get Garrison back on his feet, but when he was ready to get back in the field, he’d already made a plan for revenge.
As Garrison is recovering in Bonetown, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack all asked around, looking for someone matching Gauche’s description. It was not an easy task to ask questions and not get the wrong answer, so Applejack convinced Twilight to let her do all the talking and made some more headway in finding Garrison. That is, up until he found them himself. After a brief exchange, Garrison finds a good place for the girls to rest and makes plans to roll Bite-Back from within. After being sent on a suicide mission that was also a trap, Garrison and Frieda murder basically every Minotaur they come across until they go back to Grey Grotto where Odysseus and even more Minotaurs are waiting for the duo. Counting Crew, for the most part, lie in broken heaps on the floor and all seemed lost until Garrison threw a couple of ‘Joke Trochs’ (Teargas canisters) at the Minotaurs, making most of them fall where they stood. Afterwards, Garrison made sure that every Minotaur wasn’t getting back up and made doubly sure that Odysseus knew what scaphism was.
Once his vengeance was complete, Garrison’s parting gift to Minosia was to free the innocent Satyrs that were being eaten in A Taste of Evil, and burn the wretched place down before he made his way to Equestria with Twilight, Maud, and the girls. Just before beginning his new journey in a new land, a certain someone landed on his head as he rested beneath a window, and that someone just so happened to be the Luck Lady of the Avalesch Thieves’ Guild. Ladesa, otherwise known as the daughter of Furladra, Goddess of Thieves, had heard of Garrison’s exploits before she herself had mysteriously landed in Grey Grotto. With nothing else to do, she agreed to join the small cadre in their quest to Equestria, though there was trouble even before they could leave. Garrison was waylaid by a screener and forced into service as an Equestrian Ranger.
After he heard the news about his new job, Garrison and the girls made their way to Equestria where he promptly learned that motion sickness was a true and terrible thing. Aside from that, the walk to the castle was the best part of his day, and even then it was due to go south very quickly. Celestia asked for a private audience with Garrison, which she got because she was the damn Princess. Sadly, Celestia trusted Garrison. She trusted him to be evil or fuck something up, so she was tempted to kill him and be done with the complicated nuisance then and there. Then, Max stepped in and set the rules of engagement, which boiled down to that there weren’t supposed to be any engagements. Afterwards, Garrison headed to Ponyville with his group of Mares and eventually meets a special friend of Max’s; Jameson Maxwell Underwood. Jameson seems to have been expecting Garrison to come across him in the park, but the odd fellow didn’t mention how he knew Garrison. It was odd to say the least, especially since Jameson was the only other Human that Garrison had seen since being on Equus, including the Demi-Goddess Ladesa. However, free help is some of the best help to get, which Max made very clear.
As Garrison juggled a love triangle with a Goddess who’d given him Wind Magic and the Mare who’d healed him from Death’s Door multiple times, Jameson’s life steps into the story and his emotional turmoil concerning women of different worlds. That is, after he’d just been in multiple abusive relationships that covered just about every type there was and losing the brother he’d loved since third grade. Granted, his brother was a piece of shit and he was coming to terms with that, but nothing could stop Jay from diving down the path of Equivalent Exchange and Black Magicks. If that wasn’t bad enough, in order to reclaim her Goddesshood and find a way to steady a relationship with Applejack, Furladra and Ladesa hatched a plan to trade Garrison’s soul to Dissida for her support.
After a stellar party given by God himself, Garrison went and got himself stabbed in the back shortly after being dumped by Maud and being picked up by his Ranger Trainer. While most people would assume that just meant it had been a really bad week, being stabbed in the back is not rhetorical in this sense, which resulted in Gauche being sent to Dissida’s realm. With the white guy running through the forest, trying not to get eaten alive again and again, Jameson dealt with a strange and confusing love rhombus between himself, Fluttershy, Twilight, and Fluttershy’s Vampire Persona/Ancient Vampiress hellbent on taking over the world. That, and now Maximus was out an heir to the throne, and he’d just had to kill his own best friend of countless eons for betraying them both in the worst of ways.
Without any options left, Max himself takes on the role of Fate, which was a breach of the rules that no one ever knew about. In doing so, Max learned The Truth and set forth the events that result in his spirit being laid to rest, unbeknownst to even those closest to him. Sadly, so much power and knowledge, even in a being as incomprehensibly almighty as Max himself, caused his power to drain even faster than it had been previously, resulting in a stroke for the oldest living being in existence. Entire Parallels were to be destroyed in the blink of an eye, and once Max gave up the position of Fate to the being he trusted most in the world, even more were to fall. Diliculum, Max’s wife of countless years and his closest confidant, offered to play her part in the cataclysm, but Max was unprepared for the pain that she would bring him by banishing him from the Universal Collective and ending Roxy to the best of her abilities.
While Gauche was partying it up in Hell, Jay was making a mess of Black Magic and was quickly diving deeper than he’d ever meant to, though it would seem that his luck was running strong because he accidentally turned Garrison’s former trainer into a Gulle, which is a ‘Vampire’ without any of the perks or quirks. It actually sucks to be a Gulle because the compulsion to follow orders is stronger than ever, but with that, Jay and Shade Rose, the ancient Vampiress in Fluttershy’s head, decided to start a Coven in time. Thankfully, after a few thousand years of learning how to be wild, Garrison became a little wild and started eating Hellhounds, which was pretty fucking dope. It also got the attention of Dissida, who he took advantage of and sexually assaulted into becoming his slave for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t all rape and revenge, however, since Dissida and Garrison struck a deal to train and have much milder sex in the future. The result was that Garrison learned how to fight from one of the most lethal creatures near Terra and Dissida got some decent dick at a decent pace.
As all does go in Max’s life, he knew that his end was not to be happy, thus when his wife, Diliculum, struck him and Roxy down, shit went sideways everywhere else. Garrison’s time in Hell was up and he was now slated to go to Minosia to slay King Herodotus. However, when Max died, Garrison had to get to the bottom of the disturbance and met Queen Kauku, an aspect of the Original Twilight from the Equis that Max ascended from. After that, Jay fucked up really badly and Lujei Piche, Dutchess of Destruction and Archmage of All to Be, was summoned to Equis to be his familiar. Sadly, Lujei was far stronger than Jay’s mentor, Grogar, could have ever anticipated, which ended with Jay being tortured out of his skinsuit and being slipped into the body of one Mariana Shawl, the woman who just so happened to be Garrison’s soulmate.
Now with a love polygon too complex for words and a memory as spotty as a Dalmatian, Garrison muddled his way through the situation while Jay went to go com fort Max’s third wife, Pinkamena, as she dealt with her own grief. In the same visit, he brutally murderationized a Twilight, got some shower sex, and turned Pinkamena into the brunette Bombshell known as Diane. Shortly after that, he got disowned by his mother for practicing Magic, despite God being cool with it. The whole debacle was unnecessary, and most people would have thought so, but Jay just put up with it because there was little to do about it. After Jay got disowned, Garrison’s little sister decided to come back into the picture via a dream that shortly turned into reality, though he didn’t know why someone was messing with him or why they would be. Neither was of much concern since Gauche was just glad to see his sister healthy and happy. Kauku, on the other hand, was going batshit crazy and couldn’t be trusted to hold a fart in a flame filled room.
Garrison quickly learned that Aria’s reasoning for being on Equis and specifically in Equestria was so that she could be Celestia’s daughter, with Garrison and Celestia herself seeing flaws in the plan before it was even fully hatched. For one, Garrison and Celestia were pretty disdainful of each other to put it mildly, though they did manage to talk through some of their differences as Celestia reminded him that he needed to go to Minosia at some point. Naming Jay and Ladesa as his partners, Garrison set out to kill a king. After he got lost in the Everfree. In Jay’s neck of the woods, he was mostly fucking around with Black Magic, but at a slower pace than before. Twilight wanted some of his sweet caramel and Fluttershy was willing to share, but Jay was a little iffy about dating a different version of a woman he’d just sent to Hell with his very own minion.
Having [caught up to myself because doing a summary of my own writing is harder than I thought] been tortured out of his body, Jay’s outlook on life was pretty bleak. The runes he’d made with Grogar should nearly have been able to contain Lujei, and if he’d been able to get the Absorption Rune put together in time, he would have been able to siphon off her Magic and store it in his ring and Amulet, basically giving him the power to do whatever he damn-well pleased magically. Sadly, what he didn’t realize was that he’d created a simulacrum of a rune that Lujei herself had made in order to create a Philosopher’s Philter; the potion that turned her into the ultra-powerful being that she was. The shape of the rune, as dictated by Grogar, would have resulted in a Bastard Philter that would have amplified the Magic of the drinker by as much as their body could handle, and the plan was to have Jay’s Artifacts drain the excess Magic for a never-ending supply. The actual wording of the rune, as dictated by Jay, was to summon, bind, and absorb, which it would have done if he’d completed it. The real devil was that Lujei was too observant to the chatter in the Ether, which wouldn’t have been a problem in a place outside of the Necromancy Capital of Tartarus.
After successfully relieving Jay of his body and making him pretty damn miserable, she spat him out right around the time Garrison needed him to go to Minosia. It was convenient timing, but then Aria tried to ask for Jay’s butt and Garrison also wanted Jay’s butt because he was wearing a Mary suit, but neither of them were getting the butt because Jay was neither gay nor a lesbian. At this point in the story, there are three voices chiming in on the events as told by Jay and Garrison, and that voice is Vivi, who is actually a reincarnated form of Lujei.
[Confused yet?
Thought I’d stop at thirteen?
Made through 32, this is 36 chapters
We ain’t third of the way through
Damn Shon, it’s weird!
To who? You? Spin your mind a time or two
See what shakes loose]
Once Ladesa, Garrison, and Jay were all together, they rested for a night before their departure. The dreams of their slumber turned into nightmares as the Dream Lord who’d once falsified Garrison’s memories interfered with the dreams of all three heroes. However, Jay was well versed in Lucid dreaming, so he staved off his portion of the horde with frightening ease. Ladesa herself was born of Godflesh, so she was unable to fully enter the dream realm anyway, but Garrison, however, had a chance to murder the fuck out of plenty of things that came in his way by courtesy of Hyprades. However, Ithaca, the fellow who showed up to give Gauche a little warning, didn’t actually warn him of the fact that the High Council of Gods, a Secret Society of the Terran gods themselves consisting of Amelemme (Love), Hypraedes (Dreams and Reality), Panui (Life and Order), Trike (Honor and Glory), and Lewwy (Sun). Their purpose was to eliminate Garrison as a Candidate, as well as secure their own Candidate so that the next God of Universe One would spare them in the Cataclysm that would ensue with the passing of the torch.
What the High Council didn’t plan on was Dissida and Furladra teaming up to assist Garrison and get him out of that particular pickle, but that still doesn’t answer who Ithaca was. As it would happen, Ithaca is Panui, the God of Life and Order. Rather, Ithaca is the ugly side of creation while Panui is the pretty parts. As a part of the Secret Society that’s trying to kill Garrison, Ithaca begins a deal with Dissida to keep the natural heir alive while the gods begin to wage war over their own ‘Chosen’.
Back on Equis, Gauche, Jay, and Ladesa make their way to Minosia and sort out two easy objectives: Free some captive Bite-Backers that can help kill Herodotus and then kill Herodotus himself. Sadly, Ladesa was betrayed by a fledgling thief she was helping and found herself locked up while Garrison and Jay fucked around, not getting themselves caught by the law. After it was discovered that Ladesa had been sold out and that the mission still needed to go on, Garrison and Jay ‘agreed’ to split up, though it wasn’t much of an agreement. Jay didn’t want to pretend to be Maud’s glorified maid, and Garrison would have much rather been planning an assassination than a jailbreak, but neither of them really cared as long as no one they cared about died.
Unfortunately for Garrison and Ladesa, the Demi-Goddess nearly ate the dirt while being starved and dehydrated in her cell back in the Ironclad Keep. As luck would have it, the guy who went around killing everyone and making gore-sculptures with the remains just so happened to be none other than Odysseus, a personal pet of Herodotus’. It was supposed to be revealed that Odysseus was actually under Herodotus’ control, even while alive, but I just never got around to it. Garrison struggled to even so much as damage Odysseus, but the Minotaur had no qualms with trying to hunt down his adopted son for a nibble on his tasty cakes. Garrison, not being one to die without being tired, grabbed Ladesa and bolted after setting everything on fire. The roof, the roof, the roof eventually caught fire, but the structure didn’t collapse and Odysseus’s bones stayed animated until Garrison joined Jay in a desperate attempt to kill Herodotus.
Actually, let’s rewind a sec. While Garrison was making a mess of his Rescue Op, Jay and Maud were learning just why Herodotus was known as ‘The Dark Tyrant’, and it wasn’t because he dressed in all black. No, Herodotus used raw, pure unsane insanity to kill people to death, but what he hadn’t planned on was someone who was Super Sane being there. Having a natural connection with the Insani-Force gave Jay the control over the force that he needed to quell it, but in the meantime, he had to deal with Herodotus who was a lot more powerful magically, physically, and to a point, mentally. Jay’s only benefits were his own agility, creativity, and Herodotus’ immense arrogance. Thankfully Garrison showed up before Jay could get himself killed, though Garrison’s best shot was useless against the Dark Tyrant. Jay’s little friend, i.e. the Bunker Buster that Max had given him, was more than effective in dispatching the fellow.
Due to some screwy law that Jay liked less and less the more he was reminded of it, he was slated to become Queen of Minosia, though it wasn’t like he could’ve gone back to Equestria anyway after he’d summoned Cain (The Bible guy) and almost got tortured for as close to eternity as you can get. With Jayne, as Cain named her, stuck in Minosia for the time being, Garrison went back to Equestria to let Celestia know that he’d succeeded and to tell Applejack that her lover was resting in the stars. Applejack took the news hard and Garrison took the news that she and Ladesa were lovers nearly as badly. It probably wouldn’t have been so bad if Kauku hadn’t punished him for nearly failing the mission, but Demon claws are pretty cool anyway. Guilt ate at him as he found his way to Jolly Junction since he was supposed to be there anyway, eventually finding Maud in his hotel room. Once they reunited, the following month or so was spent avoiding everyone and fucking Maud senseless.
Queen Jayne had her hands full with a bunch of tedious court related bullshit, but there was also the fact that Jayne was a little freaky and started a whole Mommy-Dom thing with Herodotus’ widow, Hermione. The ancient Alicorn was older than Celestia, it was just that she was undead and tended to do things her way, which is why she was the Queen of Cragspire while she let her husband run his side of business. With Hermione’s help, Jayne opened up another avenue for herself to gain power by way of trading her Humanity for the soul of a demon, which was super dope, and it wasn’t actually a Demon. Yokai differ from Demons by way of inherent evilness, or rather, the natural love of sadism. After some troubles with the Naga and a conference with the Cats and Dogs, Jayne cemented her place as a powerhouse in the East while Garrison was building the Thieves’ Guild all over again with plenty of success. However, when he was sent to Serpest for a second mission, he chose to bring along a woman who’d almost mutilated his penis and a lizard man that didn’t like him. Flash Frost had plenty of reasons to bail on the mission and did so without fail, but Amaretta had to do the mission on orders of the crown, despite Garrison practically bullying Celestia around using Jay.
[Now… Now this is where the fun starts, my readers. Save your spot here and come back later or gear up for the summary of your fucking life.]
As Garrison and Amaretta made their way to Serpest, Jayne was sorting out the fine mess she’d made in Minosia, sourced from being lazy and making evil decisions because they were the easiest. At this point in time, Jayne could have fingerfucked Lujei’s eye-sockets. She could have gone back in time and gotten her original body back. She could have stopped Max from dying. Jayne was God, she just didn’t know it because the rules were broken through the floor and back because of Twilight and her setting forth the Grand Finale, the end of the show, the Greatest Curtain Call: The Ragnarall. By forcing an innocent person to serve literally any amount of time in Hell that they didn’t accrue themselves, or otherwise offer to accept, Kauku/Diliculum broke the same set of rules that prevented Max from just up and naming Garrison as his successor. It gets more complicated and convoluted from here, so buckle up.
With Jayne being God of Universe one and Garrison having served more time in Hell than anyone has ever had any right to, Kauku’s war was nearing an end and only three hundred of the original Triple Sixers where still standing when the radioactive cloud cleared. Kauku, having been slain by the Gods in the final battle, phased back into being Twilight/Diliculum rather than the warmonger she had grown to be. After Garrison resurrected and came back from his sabbatical in Hell, he was a changed man, far more appreciative of the smaller things in life while simultaneously being godly in his own right. However, where Jayne was God, Gauche had become the Devil himself, though neither knew at that point. Once Garrison returned to Ynuntu with a vial of Basilisk venom, she then offered to marry him and tried her hardest to capture him. Ynuntu succeeded in making Garrison stay for a couple more days, but he ultimately left, leaving an old woman mad with loneliness. Garrison and Diane were to arrive in Equestria within days of each other, but during the Dripping Daisy Festival (Hallowed Orchid thing), the news that Ynuntu the Youthful has been slain breaks out and Garrison is immediately placed under suspicion by the Naga. Celestia, seeing an opportunity to make a friend in a troubled time, announces that Garrison is officially a fugitive and attempts to capture both him and Maud so that they can be sent to Serpest for their executions.
Diane decides to partner up with Maud to go off the radar while Garrison starts hearing echoes of Hell and the screams of the damned, some of which warn him against falling into their very same fate. Even more accurate than his usual gut feelings, Garrison is able to grow the Thieves’ Guild like never before using the Devil’s Silver Tongue while working in tandem with Jayne to start and finish a war with Equestria that would end with Luna in charge and Celestia being a relic of the past. However, before all that can go down, Aria is lead to Garrison by Amelemme and she pleads with him for his return to Canterlot, but Gauche is quickly running out of empathy, his soul having been tortured beyond repair. In one fell swoop, he slays Aria and sacrifices her to Dissida, which sparked conflict in Godsholm like there had never been seen before. Dissida, Vio (Truth), Furladra, Luxus (Moon), and Stelor fought against the High Council and lost, but when Dissida evoked the bond between herself and Garrison, he came calling with a vengeance and laid waste to Godsholm, leveling the city into flames and ashes. Only the forests and a few temples were left behind, but there was no mistaking that Garrison was now Satan incarnate.
On the flip side, Jayne was slowly becoming more and more picky about how she dealt with things, slowly becoming annoyed with how things just didn’t seem to be natural. Diane heavily dropped hints as much as she could during Jayne’s realization period, but the poor gal just didn’t understand how she was God since she’d never technically died. Diane laid it out for her as plainly as she could get it: Max knew Twilight was going to pull some bullshit, so he thought ahead and planted a seed in the realm beyond the universes. Once the seed grew, Twilight unwittingly placed the soil on top of it and called her craft macaroni, when it was in fact rigatoni made by another. Since Max had never technically stopped being the Omnium, Twilight was doomed to die. Point blank, no afterlife. After all, she’d given her time in Hell to someone else and damned herself to nonexistence, causing anyone who’d ever known her to slowly forget about her. Jayne still didn’t understand what that had to do with her becoming God, so Diane laid it out thusly: “Twilight kill Max, but not really. When Max kill, Max make himself live. When Roxy kill, Twilight fuse with. When Twilight kill Roxy, she also kill Twilight, make Twixy. Twixy kill Diliculum/Kauku. Max come back, less power, more Human. Now no God One. You now God One.”
Jayne was confused, but she did finally get it well enough to access her omniscience and separate herself from Mari, reclaiming the form of Jameson while simultaneously freeing Mari from the shackles of her own shell. There’s only one problem.
Mari is God, Jay is God, and thus their powers are almost completely codependent. However, after the separation, they agree to let the universe do as it will and simply agree to not ask the other to use their power. As such, Jay was much less powerful, but still rivaled the most powerful beings on Equus, his sheer magical aura being enough to knock a Dog or Cat out. Meanwhile Garrison was trying to balance his sadistic ways with his morals and succeeded without question, the guilt in his heart from killing Aria being the wake up call he needed to turn the Crown of Nails into a blessing rather than a curse. Sadly, being the Ultimate Punisher meant that Garrison felt a certain ambition, and that ambition was to conquer the worst corners of every hellhole and turn them into liveable, decent places that wouldn’t make you want to kill yourself within seconds of entry.
Enter Empress Drauhl.
The Broodmother. The First Spawn. The Wolf of Tartarus. Empress Drauhl, one of the last of the legendarily lethal Wolves, learns of Lujei’s death and mourns for her fast friend’s fate, though she’s quick to suss out that Garrison had a hand in the dirty deed. Seeing as how wolves track down people better than horses in most stories, it makes sense for Drauhl to have an easier time catching up to Gauche than Celestia. Garrison and Drauhl duke it out in Jolly Junction, but their fight doesn’t stay limited to one place long. Drauhl, in all her monsterous glory, literally births cannon fodder mid-fight to go attack Garrison, and while Satan himself relishes in the chance to mete out some proper punishment, Garrison weeps over the killing of children, evil as they were. In order to manage to the impossible amount of spawn Drauhl kept releasing, Garrison asked a favor of his old friends the Hellhounds, and they made quick work of their inferior cousins, not having the same qualms as Gauche about killing or feeding from them. Once the horde was managed, Garrison and Drauhl fought a battle with their most advanced Magicks, but in the end it came down fisticuffs for both contestants since there was no one to teach Garrison his true strength. His wounds from the fight were severe when he got them, but within an hour he was more than ready to find Drauhl’s soul in Hell and beat her a little harder. The only thing was that he didn’t know he was Satan and just assumed that he was going mad.
A couple months after Garrison revealed himself to the world and became regarded as a Hero across most countries, Jay managed to talk Celestia down from a total war with the help of Twilight, who’d felt terrible about nearly starting it with her lies in the first place. In an unfortunate turn of events, the day after the peace treaty between Equestria and Minosia is signed, Celestia is assassinated and the finger points most clearly in Jay’s direction due to Celestia vocalizing some aggression toward the ‘new’ King of Minosia. As a blackish man being persecuted for something he didn’t do, Jay had an idea of how to sway the world courts in his favor, but his plan would fall through the second Emperor Yorule, Ruler of Tartarus, stepped through the Grand Court Hall’s door and denounced Jay as both a King and a living being. His claims that Jay was demonic/undead fell through since Jay breathed and his heart did in fact beat, but that wasn’t the important part of the whole situation. The bad thing was the Yorule was Yggragil’s brother and Drauhl’s husband. He already knew that Jay had desecrated his brother’s bones and had therefore summoned his wife’s most annoying friend. And to top it all off, Yorule was under the impression that Jay had killed his wife, even though everyone said it was Garrison.
Literally everyone. Seriously. Even Yorule’s own posse told him that Jay wasn’t Garrison, but the guy was old as fuck and was honestly just mad that his fuckpet died a gruesome, non-rape related death. With that being said, Yorule easily rivaled Jay’s power and then some, which meant that Jay struggled to keep himself alive against a being that could conquer Equus for laughs if he felt the whim arise. The only reason Yorule hadn’t put his name on everything and monopolized life was because he didn’t think things would be as cool that way, and while he was right, it was also that thinking that got his doggy dropped. Unfortunately for Jay, the best shot he had at not dying was to ask for help via Telepathy. The only soul connected to him was Mari since Jay didn’t really have any Mental Magic going for him, but Mari was enough to go and get Garrison to save the day.
When Garrison arrived to Growland, a large icy island to the northeast of Equestria, he found that Jay was clinging onto life as best he could, but Yorule was just handing his ass to him left and right. The Bunker Buster could barely pierce Yorule’s hide, let alone get deep enough for a killshot. Seeing as how that gun was given to Jay by Max, it was pretty much the most powerful attack he had other than scooping out some raw insanity and philandering it somehow. Thankfully Garrison arrived to put a stop to Yorule’s nonsense, but that alone was due to Garrison’s status. Yorule may have been a Lich, one of the demons of the living realm, but Garrison was the King of Demons. The Lord of Death knelt before the guy who just showed up to help a friend out and then was confused. Yorule refused to fight Garrison, but Jay wanted payback for the ass-whooping he’d been handed over the course of the last three days. The problem was that Garrison wasn’t planning on attacking someone who wished him no ill will anytime soon, but then accidentally killed Yorule by gesturing toward him too quickly during the explanation as to why he wasn’t going to kill him. Flung his arm out a little too far and took Yorule’s head clean off, he did. Not with his hand/claw, but with his wing. Garrison bumped his wing with his hand and decapitated the biggest threat to world peace that Equus could think of.
Accidentally.
Jay shot Garrison for making it look so easy, but it didn’t hurt for long since Gauche just healed within a few minutes of the bullet being fired in the first place. With the Grand Court Hall and a good portion of Heulon (The town) destroyed, everyone blamed Jay (again) and Minosia was to be held responsible for the reparations. Jay, not being a pussy, told the World Court that they owed him for killing the biggest threat on the planet, to which they replied with the fact that Garrison had done it. Accidentally. Jay still refused to pay reparations, and with Garrison on his side, there was nothing anyone on the planet could do to either of them, so the World Court cooked up a nasty plot to take them both down in one fell swoop, which is where the whole pot gets screwy again.
Now, Yggragil was the strongest being there had ever been on Equus until Max altered history and inserted Faith. When Faith disappeared after taking down Yggdragil, Yorule ruled for thousands upon thousands of years, but until modern times, that was because he was the strongest. However, when Jay summoned Lujei, she was then the strongest, and she was none too secretive about it. Most of the world’s leaders knew of Lujei one way or another, so when they reached into the deepest depths of society and pulled out their best and worst necromancers, Lujei was their target. Once Lujei was resurrected, Jay felt a disturbance in the force and called Mari back to Minosia to talk strategy. She was of the opinion that they didn't need to team up quite yet, but Jay was doing as much as he could to gear up for the storm everyone, even Garrison, assured him wasn’t coming.
When Lujei came back to life, the effects of the Philosopher’s Philter were still going, but that meant that she basically had to start over. Lujei couldn’t be brought back straight from Hell. No, someone that evil had to be reincarnated, and her vessel just so happened to be a piece of royalty from an ancient bloodline that had fallen from glory. Frieda, also known as Lucretia, as sacrificed in order to reincarnate Lujei, and the power of her bloodline was enough to give the young soul enough juice to take down Garrison some years after conception while he was napping and then subsequently Jameson. Once Satan and God were under control, Lujei, who’d been reincarnated as Vivian (Vivi, the third voice in the middling chapters), basically took over Equestria because the only one standing in her way was Luna, though she also tried barging her way into Hell and Heaven only to be rebuked by The Three Hundred (The remainders of the Triple Sixers) and cursed to only walk the mortal lands, never to see the Afterlife. After a good odd years of captivity, our beloved Max sprung back into action with the aspect he’d created and planted outside of the universal collective.
As Max simultaneously became the first God of the New Collective, he also cut Twixy’s power off and became the last Omnium of the ‘Original’ Collective. However, due to some fuckery on his part, the aspect he’d left behind in the New Collective could operate as a Human and as God without thinking about it, making him much happier with the result than he’d been with any of his previous experiments. In Twixy’s last conscious moments as a God, she holds Max’s hand and gives him a weary smile, seeing that he wasn’t nearly as happy to see her.
Her last words to her husband were, “I’m glad I got to love you, Max. I’m glad I still do.”
His last words to his wife were, “Then that’s a shame, Love.”
The reasoning for his cold, final goodbye to the woman he’d loved for so long was that he’d revered and treasured her for so many lifetimes that he’d seen the disingenuine nature of her smile and heard the words she hadn’t meant to say. What those words were, no living being will ever know, but it was enough to make Max feel the peace he’d sought for so long. Kaid Gadai’s grand finale was intended to be brief like a supernova to a God, but things didn’t quite go as planned with the rescue of Jay and Garrison. Max’s aspect was supposed to simply get rid of Vivi via murdereding her to unlife enough to die to death, but he ended up cannibalizing Vivi’s Magic and getting a soul for himself outside of Max’s whole, basically meaning that there were three Maxs that all looked, sounded, and acted the same for the most part, but none of them could ever possibly meet. After Max freed Jay and Garrison, they caught him up on the things that had been going down to date. After their extended talk dies down, Jay takes Max to Minosia to help him with a cult leader that had been gaining quite the follower in the Middle East/Eastern areas. The cult was of Sodomy and Hedonism and general; all about living life to the fullest and throwing caution to the wind. It wasn’t rare for the cult to party for days on end and leave bodies in their wake with the intake of a dangerous herb known as Jocobee, which wasn’t really a problem until they started kidnapping people to make them party to death.
While Jay and Max handled that, Garrison headed back to Ponyville to see Twilight for a little bit and to check up on Amaretta, who was AWOL as far as Equestria was concerned. Twilight was still mourning the loss of her mentor and surrogate mother while Garrison made it clear that he was rather ambivalent about it. When prompted about his cold demeanor toward the death of Celestia, Garrison could only say that he didn't like her enough to feel bad that she got killed. Seeing as how it didn’t really matter to him, Garrison lost no sleep from the look on Twilight’s face when he said that he didn’t really care about Celestia’s death, but the harsh accusation that he didn’t even care about Aria’s disappearance was enough to elicit a response from Gauche. It was mostly saliva, but it was a response as well. Before Twilight could finish wiping the loogie off of her face, Garrison was flying back to the Guild’s Headquarters to see if they’d earned a presence in Zebnon, the final country on Equus without a Guild HQ. There were Guild members there to be sure, but not a place for them to store swag that wouldn’t get rolled.
Getting back to Jay and Max, Jay himself would be busy managing the politics of Minosian Court and the impending war with the Naga while Max investigated the Cult of Sunshine. The Sunny Boys invited Max to join them for a party while he was still just gathering information, letting the former thief and ex-Prince know that he’d been made. Whether he was out of practice or the cult was that observant, he didn’t know. He was well aware of the fact that it would be his last party should he choose to accept, so Max accepted and allowed them to get him away from public view. Then, by being fast and nimble, Maximus scaled a wall and got away from the Earth Pony and Cat without much trouble. Once he managed to get back to the Ironclad Castle, he let Jay know that the Sunny Boys were onto them and that they needed to find another order of operation. They nearly called Garrison in until they realized that Jay still had the full support of Bite-Back, and it seemed like it was about time to call in the calvary. With the assistance of the rebel group, Jay managed to push the Naga-born cult back to its homeland after executing its leader, Saint Yobbo. Although learning that the cult had been started by one of Ynuntu’s daughters had been no surprise to Jay, he still wanted his pound of flesh for the trouble he’d been put through. Thus began the Minosian-Serpestian war.
With pride comparable to that of even the most ancient of Dragons, the citizens of both Minosia and Serpest called for the war to be fought with only natives of each country, and for Serpest, that wasn’t a problem. With frequent mating seasons and laying eggs in broods, the Naga population was one of the largest on the planet. The Minosians by comparison rarely even had twins, and when they were born, most people took it as a sign of a Cow double-dipping. With the Minosian population being so much smaller than the Naga population and so much of the battlefield being either swamp or marshland, it was a losing battle from the start for the Minotaurs. Sadly for the Naga, Max was alive and well, and boy was he ever feeling useless for not being able to help with the Cult of Sunshine. After countless skirmishes, battles, and ambushes to pad his portfolio of war, Max was the prime candidate to lead Minosia into battle, and lead he did.
While Max was battling it out with Snake Homies, Garrison was having fun with Prince Blueblood as a favor to Luna. Fun may be the wrong word, but Gauche certainly was with Blueblood, and he could have sworn that the Stallion acted like a grown child who’d had his candy stolen. Little did Garrison know that Blueblood’s latest flights of fancy and tendency toward outrage was due to the lack of a certain drug that Celestia had been feeding him since he was an infant in order to prevent the second coming of Yggdragil, which would have been all well and good if Celestia had been alive long enough to see Blueblood’s death. Instead, Garrison was witness to Blueblood’s transformation from a pretty good looking Pony to a thing that probably shouldn’t have been on two walking sticks for its own safety. After the initial possession, Yggdragil fixed his body and made a deal with Garrison; peace for peace. As it turned out, Yggdragil’s original goal, back before Equestria was even Equestria, was to unite all nations under one flag and to create a Council/Senate made up of representatives from certain areas to dictate what was right for each part of the One Nation. Faith, being the victor, wrote history so that Yggdragil’s plan was for the Alicorns to rule the world. As little as God Max liked to do it at the time, Max had slain Yggdragil to quell his brother’s own plots and to bring a temporary peace around that would result in the world actually surviving through that period in time.
With the Ultimate Peacekeeper back to life through nefarious means, Yggdragil went to go talk to Luna about getting everyone together for a nice chat, which is right around the time when Garrison tells him that Old God and New God are currently fighting a war way beneath their statures for some odd reason he’s not sure of. Yggdragil takes the news pretty hard and pretty much gives up right then and there, So Garrison and Luna cheer him up by saying that they’ll start working on getting the leaders of the world together for a treaty, as unlikely as success may have been. Back in Jay’s neck of the woods, Max and his Deathsquad had earned the moniker ‘The Dirge’, due to the popular and completely true rumor that if you heard them, you wouldn’t hear them again. They single handedly turned the tide of the war so that losses were being matched by the enemy, but Minosia was still losing. Not being one to let a good thing go to waste, Jameson looked at all the good things he had, made some more, and strapped them to himself on a march to a battlefield. He took ten Bulls as witnesses, and not a single one of them had to draw their blade. Jay had made a gatling gun with a belt-mag that could be fed into the dirt, using stones and compressed soil as ammunition to mow down the Naga that were swarming through the trees. By the time Jay himself had fought his own part of the war, twelve hundred Naga lay dead in the No Man’s Land between Serpest and Minosia. As a reply for the Massacre of Bog Reach, the Naga sent in extra-Naga mercenaries and target the three largest orphanages in Minosia. What Ghena, the current Queen of Serpest, hadn’t counted on was that Jay was easily the most creative and capable custodian in the East. Her mercenaries may have been tough mentally and physically, but under Jay’s Artifact Trasconversion Device, none of them stood so much as a chance of keeping a kiss with a cousin secret, let alone the true identity of their employer.
Jay took his evidence to the World Court, but even Luna had a hard time siding with him. A tortured man would say anything, and Cats were notoriously quick to lie, so Jameson confessed to one thing. Jameson said that there was only one thing he could never forgive, and that was the murder of a child. It took seven shots from his Glock Twenty before anyone so much as made a move for exit, and even then it was made clear that Jameson wasn’t done. In front of every leader in the world, Jay executed Ghena, cut her head off, and drove it onto one of the pointy bits of his chair. Covered in blood and shaking with fury, Jameson made one thing very clear, and that was the simple fact that children were not to be abused mentally, physically, or sexually on his lands. The result would be a death similar to Ghena’s and heads would be mounted. The Dogs of the Grand Council were too afraid to act. Bast, while not brainwashed by Jay anymore, knew that he wouldn’t have acted unless it was necessary. High King Azyre, for the first time in recorded history, laughed as the dust settled and pledged loyalty to Jay for loyalty in turn. Luna couldn’t find a reason to be on the opposite side of a being who’d gone toe-to-toe with Yorule for days on end and the eldest being she could find on a consistent basis, so she sided with Jay and pledged loyalty. Many of the lesser clans and minor countries either sided with Jay or against him, some abstained from voting at all. At the end of the day, it was decided that the Naga had broken the rules of engagement and would have to pay reparations to date, but the next leader for the Naga, Ynuntu’s son Harnut, Fought valiantly against the charges being levelled against his nation. It was looking like a world war was about to break out since the mediators and most of the ruling parties had lost all semblance of composure.
There really wasn’t a better time for The Hero of Equus to arrive with The Scourge of Equus. Nor was there better comedic timing since someone threw a donut and it landed perfectly on Yggdragil’s horn. Thoroughly embarrassed, the ancient being made a case for global unity and it seemed to go over pretty well with the vast majority of people until King Heinrich of the Griffins asked who the man behind the plan was. Once Yggdragil learned just how ruined his name was via fire-breath from Azyre, Garrison backed him up and advocated for peace himself. Jay then through his hat into the ring, saying that Gauche was a friend to beat all others. With many scraps and challenges behind them, Jay and Gauche lead the charge and threaten worldwide anarchy if they don’t get their way via Bite-Back and The Guild, both of which the men had risen to prominent honorary ranks. Their oath was not idle, and thus began the Pax Humana.
In other words, Garrison and Jay had fallen right into God Max’s trap, which was to bring peace to Equus without wiping out the Pantheon. The Terran Pantheon was already in pieces, but the Equestrian Pantheon was none too fond about two people that weren’t even from their planet coming in and changing things. In an attempt to wrest control away from Jay and Mari, the majority of the Equestrian Pantheon agreed to kidnap Mari and force Jay to kill himself to save her. The only thing was that they couldn’t actually cause harm to Mari without immediately being flagged across the collective as Insubordinates, so they did the best they could and had Discord work his Magic on her mind so that she would walk into a trap rather than being caught with a burlap sack. When Mari left Equus’ Mortal Plane, Jay felt it, but didn’t feel like dealing with it since he knew it was about to be a whole kerfuffle.
Garrison, happily retired and slowly learning about being Satan, got another call from Jay to help clean up a mess that he didn’t really want to answer, but a friend in need is a friend indeed, so Gauche parted with his lovely, horny wife and made Jameson get off his lazy ass to help find her. Max offered to go along for shits and giggles, and with Diane holding the fort for Jay, the band was back together and they were prepping for something big. The journey to Equestria’s Heaven wasn’t arduous at all, but Max did technically die a time or two during the ascension, which made him stronger due to the scarring of his soul. It didn’t make sense to anyone other than Jay, and Jay was crazier than a rabid fox on pcp.
The trio entered heaven with little in the way of expectations, but they were soon greeted by six very familiar faces that were… Um… Shit bruh, nobody knew how to feel. On one hand, Milf Twilight, Milf Applejack, and Milf Rainbow Dash all wanted to just let things be, but Milf Pinkie was out for blood and Milf Rarity wanted to wash her hands of the whole ordeal and call the other lowercase G gods to gang up on Max, Jay, and Garrison. Gauche, being the literal Devil, had his tongue dipped in silver upon coronation (Literally. Tasted like a peppermint patty) and talked his way into the good graces of a group of girls in an alternate realm.
[I just now realized that bullshit worked twice and I’m the one who wrote it, but it does tickle me fuckin’ pink.]
With the Godly Gals, it was all or nothing, and the majority of them wanted the boys alive. Pinkie wasn’t happy about it and nearly went whining to the CoATiP (Council of All That is Pink) before Diane caught her on her travels and cannibalized her in secret, regaining her Pinkie Powers, just not the crazy hair. With Diane taking New Pinkie’s place and no one noticing the switch besides Jay, it was smooth sailing. The search for Mari was over quickly, but the powerhouse trio had defaulted to doing things the stealthy way when they actually wanted to bust the doors down guns blazing. Jameson had a few guns to blaze and Garrison had one for himself, but Max had never actually held a pistol and nearly shot himself in the foot before Jay took the danger away from him. Once the fighting force of the Equestrian gods gathered, Max and Jay hit the deck so Garrison could loose one of his most devastating area-of-effect attacks; the Obsidian Ossuary. A flap of his wings sent feathers as sharp as shards of obsidian into the gods and outright killed a good number of them. Jay then unleashed his latest machination, the Lil Mac Hori. It spat faster than Twista and was twice as lethal with his flow, finishing off the stragglers that Garrison had left behind. The ones who’d had time to give up were spared and Mari was freed long enough to give Jay a hug as thanks and to look Garrison in the eye before imploding, taking Jay’s left arm and leg along with her.
The effect was immediate. Jay disappeared to go be trained as God and Gauche had some punishing to do. Max was invited into Hell, but declined to go since his last trip had been pretty awful and would no doubt bring up bad memories. On the plus side, Max siphoned off plenty of Magic from dead gods, so he himself was a lowercase g again. However, instead of just keeping the power, Max convinced himself that he was no longer needed and did all he could do with his power. In one massive spectacle of Magical Fission, Max gave life to a new race on Equus that could brave the harsh lands of the poles and tundras, naming them the Kincaidas. Garrison had no idea what had happened, but Jay felt the new race being born from his classroom, which was oddly enough being led by Gary Coleman. Then Dwayne Johnson. And Helen Mirren. That’s not even mentioning that Doris Day somehow got mixed in there, but the result was the same; Max had finally died. Dedded. The closest thing to Max was and forever will be kaput. The Max that exists in the pocket world Diliculum created acts very similarly to Max, but cannot kill.
Now that the last official Omnium was laid to rest, the clock was ticking for the ‘Original’ Universal Collective. Gods were dying in mere septillions of years, burning out faster and faster until their universes fizzled out. Jay and Garrison, however, wanted to get the afterlives that they’d earned and refused to go down without a fight, so with the ambient power that was ebbing and flowing through the Blackness, Jay wrote himself a rune. Garrison, in the meantime, figured out that Hell is eternal. As in Hell was the first Universal Collective, and the shitstorm it turned into? The result of the First War. It took some digging for Satan to find out that he was in charge of beings that had been there when time began, and that doesn’t mean when Universe one reset. That means that when all things were being created, when the Bigness was Banging, they were some of the first ones to realize what had just happened. They may not have been the first created, but a good number of them were damn close. The only reason that they weren’t as powerful as God Max or even Garrison was because they weren’t alive. Stepping foot in Hell means, in all intents and purposes, that you are dead. You cannot step out of Hell without your time being up, God saying you can leave, or Satan kicking you out. The Demons that were older than Max had chosen to remain in Hell since they actually liked it and stuff. It wasn’t all that bad if you weren’t one of the people being tortured, so Garrison went back to Equus and had a long chat with Maud. On one hand, she’d be leaving behind everything she knew and loved. On the other, she’d be living for eternity without suffering in Hell.
In the end, Maud denied Garrison’s offer and left him to return to Jay, hoping that the new rune could save the day. Upon arrival, Gauche quickly learned that Jay’s runes were phonetically similar to Varic, so he helped the guy who made up the language with syntax and diction. It was actually pretty amusing to the two of them and brought some much needed levity to the fact that their scribbles would only save one world out of the innumerable planets in that Parallel alone. With heavy hearts, Jay and Gauche sacrificed their accrued holy/unholy powers to perma-press Equus into the fabric of the universe, essentially creating a ‘divot’ in reality large enough to hide Equus. When Jay and Gauche looked at each other as they’d originally been, they laughed. It was so ridiculous for them to see the other without the aura, without the power, without all the extra majesty that it was just something unbearably funny.
The story ends as such:
✮☬✮☬✮☬✮
Jameson looked at his partner as the rune faded, its ethereal light giving way to the natural glow of the sun. Both men were exhausted mentally and physically; something neither of them had felt in a long time. It took Jay a moment to realize that his vision was foggy: he needed his glasses to see again. Anxiety drummed on his heartstrings, resonating deep within him until Garrison cracked a crooked smile, his eyes green again and his face no longer snow-white. He didn’t need a mirror to know that his own eyes would be the same dookie brown, and that his hair would still be danger-dookie brown. Gauche took a moment to examine his hands, obviously trying to transform them. He seemed to have no luck.
“... Holy shit,” Gauche breathed.
Jay felt for a disturbance in the Rift. There was nothing. “... We’re… We’re alone out here, man.”
They looked at each other and laughed one last time.
“Now who comes to save our arses? Max is dead, Twilight’s dead, and we’re shit out of juice.”
Jameson shook his head, grinning as if he knew something Gauche didn’t. “That’s the thing man. No more Gods. No more Demons. No more worlds… This is it.”
They looked at each other for a few seconds. Then at the rune beneath their feet. 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000Garrison held out a hand. “Then this is it, isn’t it? For now at least.”
Jay snorted. “Please. Imma be botherin’ your pasty ass from across the globe and you know it.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you will. You’ll keep in touch, right?”
Jameson took his hand. “Don’t worry ‘bout me keepin’ in touch, I’m worried about you and your forgetful ass.”
“Oh, ha-ha! You try living this long and keeping shit straight!”
“Whatever Gramps. Take care, alright?”
“Farewell, friend. May no one guide your path.”
“... May no one guide your path.”
Notes: Beginning
A Thief's Tale: The Road To Penance
✮☬
Ω✮
Ω☬
Second: Jay
Right Hand: Ladesa
Left Hand:
Grifter:
Treasurer: Furladra
Ambassador
✯☾Ω☽✯ Max-Blue and Silver
₪ღ✮ღ₪ Jay 1✔
✧❖☬❖✧ Garrison 311
⋬⍦⊛⍦⋭ Twilight ⋬❈⊛❈⋭
Universe One: Equis-One-Dash-Alt-M
Garrison's Powers/EQ:
Shadowmeald
Mind Reading
Accelerated Healing
-
Right Breast: Brand: Wind Magic
Left Breast: Vio tattoo
-
Soldado das Chamas: Soldier of the Flames
Varas Tuuli: The Wind Thief
Quarterstaff: Doug
Lever-Pistol: Pamaus
Pistol Crossbow: Timothy
Bowie Knife: Carey
Stealth Lacquered leather -X- plate mail
Jameson's Powers/EQ:
Super Sane Sight
Nether Vision/Dark Vision
Rune Engraving
Raise Undead (Up to Draugr Herald) _Causes Nausea
Can raise tank -or- horde
Hemokinesis (Blood bullets) _Causes Lightheadedness_ Needs to be used swiftly or cleverly.
Bunker Buster- .60 Cal Hand Cannon (3 Round)
Filthy Jerry- .44 Cal Six Shooter
Glock 20- 10mm 15 rounds
Flitch; Eversharp, Penetrate, Hot-Haunt, (Catherine's Catalyst)
Pentacle ring: Nullifies some magic
Pentacle Pendant: Absorbs and releases magic
Max's picture-changing locket Catalyst
Okthus the Soulbreaker-Cursed Axe
Garrison 'Gauche Suede' Varas from Capersport, Avalesce (Thieves Guild)
-Laspone (Guilda de Ladri)Italian -Fechere (Guilde de Volours)French -Guerma (Daozei Gonghui)Chinese
-Denos/Mothica (Diewe Gilde)Afrikaans -Thesuvia(Diebesgilde)German -Birre'Scha (Yelebochi Budini)Amharic
-Flistis (Gremio de Ladrones)Spanish -Gerritt(Andfangol Frygyld) Old English -Tsuka (Urdd y Lladron)Welsh
Amestris
Gods of Choice:
Furladra: Finnish-Thieves, Merchants, Travelers, Doctors
Amelemme:- French compassion Love.
Fortaleza: Galician=Strength.
Dissida- Portuguese War and Chaos
Zdenek- Death and Peace
Luxus and Lewwy- God Moon and Goddess Sun
Jus- God of (Harvest and Edible Flora)
Xana- Goddess of Happiness and Rage.
Sylphis- God/Goddess Sex and Fertility
Stelor- God of Hunters, Poachers, Trappers, and Beastmasters.
Trike: God of Honor, Glory, Fame, and Fortune
Vio: God of Truth, Lies, Honesty, and Deceit
Lyca: (Gujarati) Goddess of Fauna, tamed/wild.
Igrael: Goddess of Smiths and Artisans.
Rhoa: God of Darkness and Shadows
Hypraedes: God of Dreams and Reality
Panui: Goddess of Life and Order
Vulmega: (Hebrew)
Vulpha: (Hebrew)
Vulta: (Hebrew)
Demi-Gods:
Ladesa
Ki-Aria
The Sun, Equis, Sesa, Duvot, Sigmis, Threshstar; the planets of Solstice Circle
Characters: Equis
Maudileena Daisy Pie
Twilight Sparkle
Diana De Luna
Celestia De Sola
Fluttershy
Applejack
Pinkamena Diane Pie
Schrade: Griffin Ringleader.
Herocul/Steely: Minotaur Prince.
Elfrieda 'Frieda' Fraula: Griffin Lieutenant.
Irone: Minotaur Doorman
Maud: Underboss
Perse: Smith
Metal Frost: Stallion under Perse
Brutal Bash: Small Arms Instructor
Festus: Lead Armorer, Lead Smith when asked.
Kerrick: Griffin Underboss
Odysseus Xysma: Minotaur Quarter Chief
Zggarath: Bite-Back Dragon.
Gopher: Bite-Back Grey Market Merchant.
Gevet: Bite-Back Naga.
Dalia: Bite-Back Griffin
Verdandi: This World's Matron
Shade Rose (Fluttershy's Alternate)
Amaretta
Sunshower
Tecorr (Bite-Back Baboon)
Jay's cabinet
Theseus (Cowardly Ironclad Archiver)
Midas (Honorable Archmage)
Ligre (Basilian Panther)
Oedipus (Minotaur Co-Guard Captain)
Persephone (Minister of Agriculture)
Helio Centra (Weather Mare MAnager)
Jorr (Great Sands Cat MST)
Leonidas (MST)
Epeius (Infrastructure Minister)
Helen (PR Minister)
Characters: Terra
Vex (Varas) 3
Desmond (Varas) 1
Mercer (Varas) 2
Felt (Varas) 4
Flint (Varas Seafarer) 5
Sinthia (Scaphist) (Former Varas)
Aria (Wasted)
Isla (Former Girlfriend)
Rebecca (Former Girlfriend)
Heather (Former Girlfriend)
Stephan: (Garrison's Gadai)
The Guild: Garrison, Luna/Jayne
Maud
Jules (Tom Former-Ranger)
Hedgewick (Male Hippogriff Former-Ranger)
Broad Head (Buffalo Brave Female. Likes to hit Maud.)
Gretel (Mollyhen Former-Ranger. Severe Sweet Tooth like her twin brother.)
Hansel (Tomcock Former-Ranger. Severe sweet tooth.)
Calikat
Teddison (Tomcock from Bite-back)
Guild Affiliates:
The Circuit
Manehattan Markdown Mafia
Fruit Family Mafia
Canterlot Casing Crew
Equestria: Grydrien: Crystal Kingdom
Draconia: Pawsine: Serpest:'
The Great Sands Minosia
Places:
1:Minosia; The Ironclad Keep; King Herodotus
Grey Grotto
The Catacombs
Swamp
2:Grydrien: King Heinrich and Queen Isla
3:The Great Sands- Queen Bast
The Wyld Jungles: The Wyld Lyres
4:Pawsine- The Grand Council
5:Equestria- Celestia, Luna, Cadance, Twilight
6:Draconia- High King Azyre the Voiceless
7:Sepest- Reigning Supreme Ynuntu the Youthful (Female)
[Tartaric Countries]
8:Moudar- Grand Duke Grogar Ponylike/Satyr/Centaur/Cyclops
9:The Black Waste- Archduchess Nytemaire Werewolves/Vampires/Rogue Revenants/Liches
10:Cragspire- Hades and Hermione Red-Skins/Flamers/The Rotten/Frots
11:Sub-Naught- Lady Hroar
12:Eden- Adenneda
13: Homelund- Yorule
[Lesser Nations]
Turkine: Ground Dwelling Fowl
Shadbase: Oceanic National Alliance
Ursur: Bears, Reindeer, Moose
Avian Avenue: City-State only accessible to those who can fly.
Ponies=/= Naga, Dogs, Minotaurs
Dragons=/= Naga, Dogs, Cats, Minotaurs
Griffins/Hippogriffs=/= Dogs
Naga=/= Dragons, Cats, Ponies, Dragons
Dogs=/= Cats, Griffins, Ponies (Admire old Dragons)
Cats=/= Dogs, Naga, Dragons, Minotaurs
Minotaurs=/= Ponies, Dragons, Cats
Types of Extra-Bodily forms
1: Aspect (Gods only)
2: Aetera
3: Astral
4: Enigmal
5: Vettel
6: Anima/Soul
7: Aethereal
8: Ethereal
9: Parlayer
10: Shell+
11: Base Form (Empty)
12: Shell
Bite-Back Syndicate:
Top Dog, Consigliere, Quarter Chief, Under-boss, Division head, Cell Leader, and Lieutenant
Undead Ranks: (Grand Queen Matches Celestia)(Supreme Emperor triples Celestia)
Non-Summon-able+
-1/2
Supreme Empreror- Yorule the Eldritch (Dark Mage Ifrit)
Empress- Drauhl (Moonbourne Werewolf/Pit Bull)
-3/4
Grand Queen- Hermione of Equinis (Two Eras before Equestria)(Lich)
King- Herodotus (Dun dun Dun!!!!!!!!!!!)
-5/6
Archduchess- Nytemaire (Eldritch Vampire)
Charred Archduke- Brom the Blooded (Ancient Vampire)
-7/8/9
Black Duke/Dutchess (Grogar-)
Black Lord/Lady
Ashen Lord/Lady (Chartreuse Grande)
-10
Grey Count/Countess
Greater/Middling/Lesser/Common-> Undead Ranks
Death Lord (Basically Lujei)
Lich (Grand Arcana)
Revenant (Physical Boost+Arcana)
Harbinger/Herald (G/M,L/C)
Priest (Pure Arcana)
Rookshank (Alchemy+Arcana)
Wraith
Banshee/Siren (G/M,L/C)
Spellblade/Spellsword (G/M,L/C)
Knight
Scourge
Necrotite (Undead with full mental capacity, but no recognizable power.)
Squire
Skeleton
-
Types of Undead:
Mortalon (Innate Arcana+Power, Innate Knowledge, Artifact Wielding)
Moudrea (Innate Power+Knowledge of Power)
Minilus (Innate Power)
Monneck (Magically inept, but high ranking Undead)
Summoner
Caster
Golem
Assassin/Knight
Zombiter (Infectious)
Shambler (Murderous)
Zombie (Walking Dead)
Wargs/Warglings (Canine lard-beasts)
Dallos (Feline beings that constantly decay)
Animal Familiar
Slice Mice
Typical Coven Hierarchy:
Master: King/Queen of the Coven; Anyone who can hold the throne.
Council Elder: A Vampire of at least five hundred years
Council Member: A Vampire that has lived over two centuries and isn't an idiot.
Pure Blood: Striker/Defender/Assassin/ Dark\Black\Blood-Caster; Abilities depend on Archetype
Sanctum Guardian: Especially strong Vampires without specialized assignments.
Hunter: An average Vampire, converted with no issues.
Total Convert: Was born with a magically mutagenic gene that reacts to Sanguinis Vampiricus. Causes a special power to arise, MPD,
Thrall: A Half-Vampire with the mental and sensory acuity of a PB. Rarely needs to feed
Peon: A Half-Blooded Vampire with the raw strength, sight, and olfactory sense of a PB. Must feed bi-nightly
Fledgling: Stronger than a Peon in most cases, but with lower than average intelligence and a heightened lust for blood.
Gulle: The result of a Thrall introducing their blood and venom into a non-Vampire. Named for becoming 'gullible' for their Creator
Familiars
BATS
Swindler: A Non-Vampire with red eyes.
Dunce: An abomination that occurs from Vampires who refuse to feed.
Dervish: An abomination that forms from a Vampire drinking tainted blood. No one knows what exactly the taint is. Highly dangerous and uncontrollable.
Council's Of All That Lives
Red (Pinkies)
Yellow (Ol' Yellers)
Orange (Carnatas)
Green (Foamelites)
Blue (Tealers)
Purple (Violess)
Black (Graylens)
White (Endless Nameless)
Priest/Priestess Ranks
Ao -Rank 7
Su -Rank 6
Ki -Rank 5
Ha -Rank 4
Su-lu -Rank 3
Do -Rank 2
Wa -Rank 1
I watered the seeds of mutiny. Done
I fanned the coals of war. Done.
I drove an old woman mad with loneliness.
I blessed the eldest whore. Martyr
I made a saint into a sinner.
I comforted the darkest evil known
I stole a grown child's candy
I set a trap for all but the worthiest.
Applejack's Lesson: God's plans aren't always going to leave everyone happy.
Have someone kick Twilight.
Furladra sell Gauche's soul to Dissida to return Ladesa to the Heavens.
0-Series: Jumba's test batch, including many household helpers.
1-Series: Civic disturbances.
2-Series: Technological and scientific.
3-Series: Psychological.
4-Series: Military.
5-Series: Elemental manipulators.
6-Series: Battlefield or doomsday experiments with galactic implications and world-ending properties.
One-Zero-Eight: Felsh: Goofy Hero Central
Random Stuff:
Deskit: potent aphrodisiac, not unlike scopolamine
Opus: Morphine-like healing aid
Phedra: Bone mender
Blackspeech;
Orbiting Ding down yes : Conquer Equestria
Dripping Orchids drain deeper yes : Collect the nectar of the Hallowed Orchids
Old living dead yes : Slay Yorule
Must Outplay Life's Death Yes : Prevent Lujei from consuming Ithaca
My Brother’s Keeper
☾✯☾۞☽✯☽
₪ღ✮ღ₪ Jay
✯☾Ω☽✯ Max
✧❖☬❖✧ Garrison
Jameson Maxwell Underwood
Tyler Tiberius Tydeman
Maxronomicon:
The Edict
The Five Absolutes: Rape, Cold Blooded Murder, Blackmail, Slaving, Being Especially Stupid.
MAx is 2 quintillion years old
Ranks:
S Base: 1500
A- [A] A+ AA AAA Base: 500
B- B+ BB Base: 350
C- [C] C+ CC Base: 130
D- [D] D+ DD Base: 70
E- [E] E+ EE Base: 35
[F] FF FFF Base: 15
(G) Worthless.
Jay's 'Hand'
Joker: Affection and affirmation :Gone: 2 turns
Ace: Tender caresses and comforting words :Active
King: Stupid shit :Damaged
Queen: Peaceable negotiations :Active
Jack: Female shit :Severely Damaged
Ten: Silence/Dopey Smile :Active
Two: Shoot everything. :Active
Everyone tastes like liquor.
Armaments of Amity
Twilight (Wine) [Sleipnir] {Insane Princess}
Applejack (Applejack) [Tiger] {Mafia Matriarch}
Fluttershy (Kahlua) [Monster Bat] {Vampire Countess}
Rarity (White Wine) [Nothing] {Monster Hunter/Helsinger}
Rainbow (Blueberry Vodka) [Baboon] {Commando}
Pinkie (Bubblegum Schnopps) {Despair] {Clairvoyant}
Celestia (White Cherry White Lightning) [Ancient Dragon]
Luna (Blue Raspberry Everclear) [Ancient Dragon]
Cadance (Strawberry Daquiri) [Roc]
Shining Armor
Granny Smith
Tea Leaf (Coffee Cup)
Nimbo Stratus (Strats)
Clear Skies
Mrs. Cake
Mr. Cake
Tender Touch
Nurse Redheart
Sweetie Belle
Apple Bloom
Mayor Mary
Fruit Loop
Wrought Iron
Ginger Root
Lily Lilac
Arkaid- Arkaidites:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Medeic ME/IC/MU~ Arcadia-Arcadians:
-Magiville, The Coffee Pot, Cafe Brulee, Sliced Thin, West-to-East, Chateau Foie Gras
-Encantia,
-Dirksdale,
-Aeriopolis,
-Minceton,
-Cali,
Medeic ME/IC~ Zgaria- Zgarians
Mundusiac ME/MU~ Nullord- Nullordites/Nullordians
Mundusiac IC/MU ~ Tsuka- Kasu
Icaric IC/ME~ Hael- Haeledes
Icaric~ Lamuta- Lamutans
Mundusian~ Tenotia~ Tenotites
Medeic~ Argos~ Argons
Dragonic~ D' Arva- Vorats (Slur) D' Arvans
Artificery:
ATD (Artifact Transconversion Device) Artificer's Engraver
Flowbound ATD: Allows full Magic infusion.
Conduce Crystal+Grapht Wood
Modrune: Modifiable runes
Runeset: Like a modrune, but is actually multiple runes. Requires an Open Rune.
Set Rune: A pre-loaded, basic rune.
Reloadable Rune: As the name implies.
Blood Rune: Carved into flesh or painted in blood. Partially Blood Magic, always has consequences.
The Artificer's Handbook: Tips and Tricks
Applied Artificery: Common Runes
The Artificers Curse: The Princess' Armorer: History and Instruction.
Runic Transfusion: Passing Down Legends
Artificery For Dummies: Runes That WILL Come Along
Terms:
C-RAN's: Conventional Runic-Alpha-Numerics (SP/Lu RC's)
RC: Rune Cipher- Not all Runes are Worth the same amount, though ^5-6-8 are better in general. 9 is tricky, but POWERFUL
1 Sola-Phestus; Pioneered By the Sola and Hephaestus Families
2 Lutorah; Pioneered by the Luno Family
3 Equivocoatia: The Alchemical alphabet and language
4 Phulcore; Blood Runes pioneered by Mortals
5 Fraust; Blood Runes pioneered by Vampires
6 Ultima Umbra: Dark Magic Runes
7 Tweek-Speeke; Jay's Super-Sanity based RC
8 Tartaricka; Demonic Runes, generally requiring a life as sacrifice (Circumvented by obvious means)
9 Ædar; Aetherial Runes
10 KaMaT; Kaid, Max, and Twilight's decatillion-year project. The perfect, universally understood written Alphabet
As you can see, there’s a lot of shit I thought of that I didn’t even come close to using in the story, and that’s not even counting the lost shit from Road to Redemption, the page from Redux, or the original shit for Quoth The Wendigo.
As Always,❅Stay Cool, Kids❅
Alright, now go read a real fuicking book you nerd.