“C’mon, Granny! We’re runnin’ late!” Normally we’d be a few blocks ahead on our deliveries, but Big Mac was stuck in bed with a sprained hoof and Granny Smith wouldn’t take No for an answer, “I told ya’ I could manage on my own, Granny. I’ve gone it alone before!” I lied, carrying most of the delivery in my cart.
“Fittlestsicks! ‘Ah might be a ‘ol crab apple but these here hooves can still pull their weight.” she elbowed me in the side, “An’ yer’ gonna’ be in worse shape than Big Macintosh if ya’ keep bitin’ off more than you can chew!” I sighed, and she stole a another bushel of apples from my cart and threw them into her’s, “Just seven more houses!”
“Of course, Granny...” My pride always managed to get the better of me, something I always had trouble keeping nailed down. The last thing I wanted was for Granny Smith to get hurt at her age doing the farm’s work, but she was still right.
“‘Ah’ wonder how ma’ li’l Sugarcube’s doin..” we strolled past the School of Friendship on our way to the next stop, “Ya’ think Applebloom’s had her lunch yet?”
“She probably has, Granny. It’s half past twelve..” I honestly had no idea when Applebloom’s school lunchtime was, but I figured I’d spare my little sis the embarrassment.
A piercing shriek froze our hooves to the ground, followed by a calamity of screams.
“What the devil!?” Granny cried, “I-It sounded like it came from the school!”
An awful feeling fell to the pit of my gut, “S-Stay here, Granny, I’ll check on ‘em.” and I took off for the marble staircase.
I'd never heard such a racket, especially not from our school, not even since that one time Queen Chrysalis tried to take over Ponyville did I hear that kind of hollering. It sounded scarier than a rattlesnake in a hen house and by heck, it wasn't even lunch time yet.
I spat out a wad of chewin’ grass, and almost lost my hat stampeding up the stairs. I kicked the front door open and dashed in without a thought. Everywhere I looked, students were scurrying for their lives. “What in tarnation is going on?” I cried out, but not a single one of em had an answer past the terror in their eyes. Another door flew open, nearly taking my head clean off from the fillies bouncing off the back of it.
“Run! Run for yer’ lives!” with a thud, I was tackled by the smallest apple in Ponyville, “Oof!”
“Applebloom!” I nearly hugged the life out of the little filly, “Golly, am I glad you’re okay. What the hay’s goin’ on?” but she was a mess for words.
She stammered, trying to compose herself, “A-Ah’ don’t know! It just came into class! And it just-”
The thud in my gut came around for seconds, “Granny’s outside, go wait with her! I’ll be right back-!”
“No! You can’t go! You don’t know what-!”
“I said Git!” I gave her another hug and a kiss over her little red bow, “Don’t you worry about me, I’ll be fine. Just make sure Granny’s safe, will ya’?” and I took off, dodging students left and right. I immediately regretted leaving her, but I just knew the girls were gonna’ need my help. This just wasn’t normal.
Rainbow Dash’s class was my first stop. If anything had come looking for trouble, she’d be the first to deal with them. I opened the door, and a handful of pale-faced fillies spilled out. I was getting the creeps as the minutes went by, “Dash? Dash, you in there?” but all I heard was silence, and a small bundle of blue feathers floating down to my hooves. I seized up, not knowing what to make of it, “R-Rainbow..?” What was at the foot of the class was even less unsettling.
I couldn't give you a proper accounting of what it was. Only that it looked like a pile of worms slipping into thin air past the most ghoulish gurgle I'd ever heard.
I was fell back against the wall, at a loss for words, searching for something, anything to make sense, “Dash? Dash, please, this ain’t funny! Where are you?” but the classroom was still empty, even the ceiling. Did she fly out with the students? I saw an open window towards the back. Did she fly outside?
I couldn’t bare it. I didn’t like where my mind was wandering, and I definitely didn’t like being left out in the dark like this. There just had to be some sense around here somewhere, “Where’s Twi?” if anypony was keen, it’d be her.
I ran as fast as my hooves could take me, and nearly kicked the doors down to the dean's office, “Twi-!” there she was, with a face I'd only seen when things were bad, Starlight Glimmer floating in the air like a pegasus that'd had a bit too much cider, and an unholy abomination before the two of them. It must've stood ten ponies tall, lumbering like a twisted cloud of filled with critters all sewed together and turned inside out a the same time. Grumbling and moaning as if it couldn't tell the difference between pain and pleasure. I'd never felt so uneasy in all my life.
“Help! I-I don't know what it's doing! It won't let... me...” Starlight leaned in and her eyes started drifting, along with the color of her mane.
“Starlight!!” Twilight tried to rangle her back down to Earth with her horn, but it was almost like her magic was being downright ignored. “Let her go!” She even fired off a few shots of her horn at the thing, but it didn’t even flinch. Twilight’s laser blasts flew right past it like Rarity running past fertilizer, and hit the wall behind it.
“Twilight! What is that thing?!” but all she did was turn to me with a face covered in tears, “Applejack, I-I'm so sorry..! I-!” That deflated look in her eyes, like she’d already thrown in the towel, was the last thing I saw before a bright flash stole the room out from under my hooves.
That nostalgic scent of pinewood was long gone, and in a manehattan minute, I was hit by a whiff of old steel, gas and excrement. Those would probably have felt just as nostalgic, had I not been nose-diving towards planet Earth, “Whaa!!” I only had a few seconds to panic before my hoof caught a clothesline, but by heck I kept going. “Oof-!” I bounced hard off of an awning, but thankfully I had some trash to catch my fall, “Ouch!”
I found myself put up for sale square in a cardboard box. Fitting I guessed, given the trip, “T-Twi..? Twilight!? Where are ya’?” a better question was, where was I?
I had to adjust my hat, the sun was being extra friendly. A tumbleweed waved just the same as it rolled past. The weather was dry and muggy, not my favorite, but I’d kicked apple trees in far worse conditions. My hooves were wobbly, but I managed to rise out of my cardboard fort. I took an estimate of my surroundings, looking for any answer at all. It looked like some old country drugstore that I almost careened through. Seemed abandoned though, that is until a big shadow caught me by surprised, “Oh! Uh, why hey there, partner. W-Would you mind tellin’ me where-”
“Applejack-!!” Twilight told us about humans from her adventures with Sunset Shimmer, but this was ridiculous, “Oh my gosh! After so many years, my pony tulpa finally appeared! It’s really you! And in a cardboard box just like in My Little Dashie posted by Rob Cakerran Fiftythree on October 25, 2011.” He grabbed me a little too hard, “I’ve always dreamed of having my own little pony, just like in My Little Pony Friendship is Magic!” He was louder than a rattlesnake wearing clown shoes.
I struggled for dear life, “E-Excuse me, Sir,” I tried to emphasize the word, sir, “b-but I really need to get-”
“Don’t worry, I’m going to take care of you and make sure you’re happy just like in My Little Dashie until Princess Celestia and Princess Luna come to take you back home!”
What in blazes? Who was this guy? “L-Luna? Celestia? How do you know about-” I had a few dozen more questions, but he was holding me a little too tightly against his barrel of a gut, and the smell was enough for me to plum keel over.
Thankfully his lair wasn’t too far. I was actually impressed how fast a big lug like him could move wearing clothes that barely fit him, “I’ll be in my room, mom! Love you!”
“Okay, Charlie! Love you too, sweetie!” I heard from the kitchen. Whatever she was bakin' sure as heck gave me a breather, that is until he dragged me down into his dungeon.
“Listen, mister, I-I really need to be on my way...” I pleaded while being being carried under his arm like a log, but it was no use. He was in another world, and now so was I.
He flipped a switch. It took a few seconds, but the lights eventually flickered on to an honest to apples museum of me and my best friends, “What in the world..?” Everywhere I looked, there were either tiny ponies figurines or a pairs of trousers covered in skid marks. It was the dirtiest museum you’d ever seen, but at least the parts about us were half passable.
I forgave the dust over the attention to color coordination and size. All of the Twilight’s and Rarity’s each had their spots, same for the Pinkie Pie’s and an generous shrine for your's truly, which to be frank gave me the creeps. Oddly enough, there weren’t a whole lot of Fluttershy’s. Poor Fluttershy always was a wallflower. His favorite must’ve been Rainbow Dash. There was at least a couple dozen Dash’s all under a big banner of the ol’ girl hunched over with her front hooves stretched out with a suspect look in her eye like some kind of harlot. “Okay, that’s just gross.” Honest, I was trying to be diplomatic, but that was awful.
He tossed me onto his bed, which somehow smelled worse than he did, not to mention I could feel the sheets crunchin' under my hooves, "E'yuck..." He was obviously a few shotguns short of a wedding, but I needed to be cordial, “Listen, I know we’ve saved the world and all, and you’re our biggest fan, but my friends need me. Twilight needs me. You know, the Princess Twilight? From Ponyville?”
“Ugh, I know! She was so much better before the wings! Magical Mystery Cure is an abomination.” I could hear the cracks coming out of his chair as he threw himself onto it, turning about and firing up some sort of machine. Some kind of big window lit up and a bunch of words flickered across it. He clicked his fingers over another flat doo hickey, and adjusted a little thingamabob with an eye on it.
“Wait a cotton pickin’ minute, excuse me?!” I was still stuck on the bit over the wings. “Twilight Sparkle’s my friend and she’s a great Princess! She’s saved the world at least a dozen times! By golly, if it wasn’t for her, we’d all be slaves at best!” but no matter what I said, that device had his full attention.
"Heh-llo~! Fillies and Gentlecolts, welcome to this week's Minute in Ponyville!. I'm your host, CrimsonAlicornBladeX95 and today I have an extremely special announcement!" I was completely lost. He was talkin' into the window like he was talkin' to an audience, "I've done it! I've finally done it! After years of focus and deep meditation, I've finally done-! Hey shut up!" He suddenly slammed his fist against a desk, as if someone had just spat in his eye, "Shut the hell up about my virginity! I am not a virgin, you haters!" He shouted with a stutter, "What I've done, is create my very own tulpa!" Charlie cackled like a schoolgirl.
"Just who in the world are you talkin' to?"
"Hey-!" his laughter cut short. "I'm not full of-! She's right here!"
"Woah-!" the big galoot grabbed me by the hoof and yanked me over, "C-Cut it out! let'go of me!" I caught a glimpse of the window he was talkin' into. All of a sudden, hundreds sentences and little tiny pictures were flying up faster than I could read 'em. It almost looked like whatever sorcery he was practicin' was startin' to seize up, but I'd had enough already. "You've got some nerve!" I slapped away his hand, "I told ya' that I need my friends need me! I don't have time for yer' games. Twilight's in trouble and I need to get back to Ponyville, pronto!"
"See, guys? She's the real thing! She talks and everything!" he brushed my mane with his greasy fingers, "She's so soft and kawaii~!"
"Knock it off!" I shoved him away, "Aren't you listenin'! There was a monster at the School and Twilight needs my help! Now!" I grabbed him by the collar, but he wasn't taking me seriously one bit. The lummox just grabbed me and started rockin' me back and forth like a filly, "Guh, why you-!"
"Shut the buck up!" he startled me, "I am not going to rape her, you cyberbullies!" Oh, he was just yellin' at the window again, phew. "You're just jealous because I have a real pony waifu to play with and you're just a bunch of 4chan losers!"
"I still don't know who yer' talkin' to, mister..."
"Oh, don't you worry, Applejack. They're just a bunch of haters."
If I hadn't thought he was off his rocker before, I certainly did now, "Who..?" He had the nerve to remove my desperado, "H-Hey!" and even more nerve to start runnin' his fat fingers through my mane. I would've knocked him silly had he not thrown me back onto the bed behind him. Wasn't quite sure if I was any safer there, but at least I still had my dignity.
Charlie spun back around to his apparatus, "Anyway! Since you're all being so goshdarn rude to me, I'm ending the stream. You all can go buck yourselves!" he made a few clicks with some artifact under his hand, but if I was seein' straight, the window didn't seem to change much. Words were still flyin' faster than an apple fritter in July, that is until the window swapped to what looked like another page. A gray background and in the corner I picked out a rainbow with the words Fim Fiction next to it.
“Check it out, I’m working on my own fan fiction. It’s just like My Little Dashie but it’s about you instead!” With an awful lisp, the galoot began rambling on about Celestia knows what, knowing way too much about Sweet Apple Acres next to things that were downright malarkey.
The idgit made a few more clicks and a picture appeared on the screen that nearly made me lose my apples, “My favorite part so far is in chapter twelve when you, me, and Princess Molestia-”
“That’s disgustin’! I would never do anything like that, ya’ weirdo!” I stood up on the bed, stains be damned, ready to defend Celestia’s name along with my sex life.
He shrieked, and sprang up out of his chair like a bull in a tomato patch, “I’m not a weirdo!”
My confidence stuttered just a tad, “N-Now calm down there, Applecrisp. No need to get angry.” I tried my hoof at a chuckle to somehow save the mood, but the ship was sinking mighty quick.
Huffin' up a storm, he lumbered over me, “I’m not a weirdo... And you’re not going to ruin this for me. We’re going to reenact my fan fiction just the way I wrote it in chapter twelve, act four. You’re going to be My’ Little Jackie, and I don’t care if someone’s already used that title before! This is my fan fiction! Those trolls on Fim can kiss my flank!” he made another shriek and tackled me against the bed.
“Woah! Get off’a me! Let go!!” I aimed a kick, but his big burly hands went straight for my back legs, “S-Stop it!” I crawled for dear life, but he dragged me towards him. “Yee-haw!” Is the opposite of what I would’ve said, ‘cause this was no good.
The brute grabbed me by the chin, and met me eye to eye, “You can be Applejack, of course, and I’ll be your Anon~!” he closed his eyes and puckered up.
My hooves acted on their own, “I said, GIT-OFF!” I broke loose and kicked him as hard as I could square in the apples. He flew across the room like a bail of hay and smacked against a bookcase full of tiny figurines and books. They scattered across the room like the ruffage of one of Pinkie Pie’s confetti bombs.
“Ung-!” I heard a wet crack, and he was out like a light.
My heart somehow skipped another beat, “Is everything alright down there, sweetie?” It must've been mama bear from up the staircase.
Honestly, I panicked, “Uh, I’m alright, mom!” I did my best lisp and pretended to be fat.
There was a pause that lasted a week.
“...Okay, sweetie!”
I forgot how to breath for a good second. Thankfully, a book across the bed had caught my attention. “Now what’s this..?” Against a Rainbow and right over a picture of myself, Twilight and Rainbow Dash, My Little Pony - Friendship is Magic Official Guidebook by Lauren Faust. How strange, I thought. I knew we were famous, but a guidebook?
I hoofed it open and began darting across each page, “This ain’t just us, it ain't even just our adventures, it’s... everything.” Every little detail, starting from the fallout between the Princess sisters and Princess Luna being banished to the moon, Twilight’s first Winter-Wrapup, the Grand Galloping Gala, confrontin' Discord, the Crystal wedding at Canterlot, Applebloom and her friends gettin' their cutie marks, even Cranky and Matilda’s wedding - The whole dang deal. It was weirder than a rattlesnake inside of another rattlesnake.
I jumped out of bed, tryin' my best to decontaminate my coat. I made my way all the flickerin' appliances on his desk. Some kind of space age typewriter that didn't need any paper and a string attached to a rock that Rarity would've cracked open in a heartbeat. I tried clickin' it the same way Charlie had done, and the window switches pages again.
It was the same page he was on before. It was bizarre, like a fuzzy mirror with all sorts of colors, dancin' ponies and words flyin' past my reflection. The closer I got the faster they flew, "Buncha' witchcraft," I thought out loud.
I kept on with my tour and took a gander out of the window. It was a totally different world out there, and I was on my own this time. What I needed to figure out was how to get back home. I looked back at the book I'd found, “Lauren Faust...” I turned over the book and closed it, bouncin' that name back and forth in my noggin, “I’d never heard of a Ms. Faust before, but if she knows so much about me, then she’s just gotta’ know about how I can get back home and save my friends.” It might just end up being a wild goose chase, but otherwise I was up a creek without a canoe.
I grabbed my hat and dusted the germs off of it. I picked up the world’s longest belt and tripled it up, fastenin' the guidebook around my waist along with a few nicknacks I told myself I was going to borrow. There was a map of a place called California, that packed away too. Despite the peculiar blue trains with human faces all over it, the map appeared reasonable. Out of spite, I snatched that tiny Applejack Charlie was playin' dress up with. I admit, I probably wasn't going to give that one back if I'd had the chance, "...Creep."
I stepped over fat mountain, “Get out of my way, door!” I suggested to the door. Twilight, and probably all of Equestria needed my help, “Just hang on tight, Twi.”