Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06


The Hearth's Warming Club

Dear Diary,

Bah, humbug, to this bogus holiday!

How could a break from school turn into a Nightmare before Hearth's Warming!

It all started when I tried singing an annoying a traditional Hearth's Warming carol to piss off show my holiday cheer to everyone but nobody sang along. Wasn't everypony pumped up to sing the entire song last Hearth's Warming? Or was it because Professor Pinkie didn't bring her special eggnog this time?

Anyway, Headmistress Twilight and Professor Rainbow Dash were sending us off for the holidays. Being the only teachers left in the school, I'm guessing that later they're gonna do pony girl things together, singing about how life with magic is fantastic.

At least that would have happened, but somecreature apparently messed up the Hearth's Warming Tree. My friends and I are the only suspects and now we’re stuck doing clean up duty.

So, we nearly get killed by puckwudgies in the beginning of this darn school year, yet messing up a rotting tree is what gets us detention!?! What stupid logic is that?!

Hopefully this is the last time a tree causes me any problems...

I have my suspicions, however, that it's actually because my friends and I didn't kiss her highness’ cunt, with that mistletoe hanging off her tailbone. And now we're stuck cleaning up the female ejaculate she left all over the Hearth’s Warming Tree!

Seriously, why in Equestria would we kiss that? We have actual personalities unlike the rest of the student body. Also, couldn't Spike the Vacuum Cleaner do it, or is this the one time of the year that the Headmistress is nice to her lackey?

While cleaning up the cunt juice, the six of us decided to share each other’s holiday stories and traditions. Hearing them was pretty good. Good for a laugh I mean! Each and every one of their traditions was more ridiculous than the last one.

Let's start with Ocellus. Changeling traditions are absolutely bonkers. It sounded like something that dick Discord would cook up. An upside down tree? Swimming in punch?? Playing hot potato with presents!?! And building a fake fire while singing the most literal carol ever heard!!! You're joking, right? I get that changelings are all about change now, but come on! How do they mess up a list crafted by Headmistress Twilight herself! Unless, of course, they skipped the whole thing because said list only talked about the many ways to fuck before Hearth's Warming.

Yona was next talking about how yak traditions are about smashing shit. No surprise there. I do wonder why they consider it a one time holiday when every time is hammer time for them. Still no clue how their society is still standing if they keep smashing all their resources.

After that, I missed out on Smolder's dragon holiday tradition when I got called to the Bitch Lords' office. But from what I can gather, it's about whoever tells the best story that gives the largest middle claw to Professor Fluttershy. I suspect that the dragons are still salty about how the professor kicked out one their kind from their own home.

When it came my turn, I figure since that they all gave crappy stories about their traditions I'd also give one as well. I succeeded of course.

Then, it was the ditz's turn to tell her holiday story. As usual, she didn't make a lot of sense. The holiday is named the Three Days of Freedom Celebration. A holiday that extended from one to three days after the Storm King's defeat. Hold It! Extended to three days? That implies that the holiday used to be called One Day of Freedom Celebration before his defeat. What an ironic title...

Back on point though, the first day is spent under sea doing lots of "ing"s. Does that by chance involve deepthroat-ing, scissor-ing, and plenty of fuck-ing in that little orgy party?

The second is spent on Harmonizing Heights with sky-dancing and playing the song of storms. No wonder there's that purple storm circling around that damn mountain! Plus it it explains why they couldn't save the world with all those annoying monsters spawning from the storm.

Anyways, the third day is when Queen Novo finally pulls her head out of her ass and is actually generous and gives her subjects gifts. Well, except for Princess Skystar. She's still grounded. Overall, either Silverstream must've fallen on her head when she was born, or that's why the Hippogriffs fell to the Storm King.

By this point, we were fed up with cleaning this shit and the fact that one of us was lying their asses off so we settled with a shouting contest.

BECAUSE SHOUTING ALWAYS HELPS WITH SOLVING PROBLEMS!!!

Turned out that the foolhardy idea somehow worked as Gallus confessed that he was the one that sabotaged the tree. Then Gallus decided to also talked about his griffon holiday celebration since he didn't want to be left out on the holiday exposition express. And by far, the Blue Moon Festival is the most accurate comparison to Hearth's Warming these days.

Family members are forced obliged to meet up for the cold cold holidays. Eating up fattening food then complain about it. Giving worthless gifts that we don't actually want or need. And just barely not yelling at each other. Basically, the same shit we ponies do every year with barely any change because it's "tradition".

Whelp, he's getting lumps of coal for Hearth's Warming this year... Plus he's stuck with Headmistress Twilight for extra "friendship" lessons. Sucks to be him. See you later...

Ha! I'm kidding. The rest of us figured we stay together since every single winter holiday is almost always the same thing. It's not like there'll be any difference next year than this year.

Your grinch of a student,
Sandbar


Dear Headmistress Twilight,

Heard the star for your tree got destroyed. Can I be your replacement?

-Derpy


To Headmistress Twilight,

Why are our representatives being forced to stay in your pony school for the holidays? We demand a reasonable explanation for punishing them so severely. It had better not be because of a rookie prank occurring as that would be very extreme even for school standards.

Signed,
Dragon Lord Ember, King Thorax, Queen Novo, Prince Rutherford and Grampa Gruff


To all dragons,

Don't think that because I'm a nice dragon lord doesn't mean you all can be like Scales and steal my scepter.

By royal DEMAND,
Dragon Lord Ember


Dear Princess Ember,

Whoever said you were nice?

Sincerely,
All Dragons


Dear Gallus,

So according to your story, all griffons pretty much hate each other, and on the best of days, can barely stand each other?

So the friendship mission Pinkie and I went on last year was like, a total fucking waste of time?

Figures. That table doesn't know what the fuck it's talking about. No wonder Discord can screw with it so easily.

Sincerely,
Rainbow Dash