//------------------------------// // Entry 1: Big Wooden Woof-Woof // Story: Journals of the Royal Alchemist // by Ashfur //------------------------------// May 5, 15 A.N.M. My Princess-boss Celestia is mad at me and I don't know why.  The expedition went off without a hitch! I found so many cool and interesting things to experiment with!  Like, I found these weird blue flowers that made me a mare for a few hours, all I did was test it on the group of guards I was assigned!  But I kept them safe from monsters! I don't think that's what made her upset, though. I think it was the souvenir I brought back… “Did you hear something, sir?”  One of the less decorated members of the guard force dispatched to ‘protect’ Arca (more like protect everything else from him) glanced warily over his shoulder. “Nah, it's probably just the lingering effects of the poison joke.  Keep your eyes peeled, though. My vision is still a little warped from it.” “I don't know, I just feel a little uneasy.  Like we're being watched by… something.” Suddenly, a roar pierced through the forest.  Twigs snapped as a monstrous jumble of wood and leaves crashed through the underbrush, growling and baring its wooden teeth at the group.  The recently discovered species of monster known as the timberwolf stared them down. “Oh shit, run for your lives!”  The guards booked it back towards base camp.  Arcane was left unattended, standing still in shock as the beast stalked closer. “Oh, sweet mother of my princess-boss…”  Arca's eyes went wide as the distance closed between them, it looking more ferocious by the second.  “It can't be… this can't be real…” “PUPPY!” The unicorn tackle-hugged the timberwolf, knocking it backwards onto its back.  “Belly rubs for you! You get all the love and snuggles! Oh my goodness, I love dogs so much!  I didn't expect to find one out here! Are you lost? Do you need ear scritches?” Arca kept pinning the beast, its struggles from being trapped slowing as its instincts told it that it was no longer the alpha.  Finally, it relented, relaxing and allowing Arca to give it affection. “Who's a good boy?  Who's a good boy?! You are!  Yes you are! Do you wanna play fetch the stick?  Wait, you kinda are a stick… wait, I know how to know what you want!  Hold still, this might sting a little.” Arcane hit the timberwolf with a blast of magic combining a language spell with a pacification spell.  He soothed it by rubbing the creature's head gently as the magic wormed its way down into its magical core, changing its behavior for the better... Celestia sat on her throne discussing recent land disputes between earth ponies and unicorns in the local area when a timberwolf crashed through the throne room doors with her royal alchemist being dragged along due to holding onto the leash around its neck.  All the guards sprung to attention, but it was too late, as the beast leapt into the air, pinned their beloved ruler, and… licked her with its big, leafy tongue? “Hey!  Down! Bad dog!  No jumping on other ponies!”  Arca yanked on the leash, pulling the timberwolf off of Celestia.  “Sorry! I'm still training him. I found the poor guy lost in the woods!  Can I keep him?” “Arca… you brought home a TIMBERWOLF?!”  Celestia couldn't believe what she was seeing.  One of the most vicious creatures in the everfree and here it was sitting like some common housepet with minimal prompting! “Oh, is that what breed he is?  I was calling him a wooden woof-woof until now.  Hey, watch this! I implanted a spell to let us know what he's trying to say!  Say hi to the princess, boy! Speak!” From within the timberwolf, a monotone voice echoed out, muffled slightly by the wood that made up the torso of the creature. “WAG WAG WAG.  I AM MISTER SPLINTERS.” “See?!”  Arca beamed at Celestia.  “He's friendly!” The solar monarch paused for a moment.  “Um… Arca, did that… ‘dog’ just say ‘wag wag wag’ instead of wagging its tail?” “I AM MISTER SPLINTERS” “Shush, boy!  I'll get you a treat later, okay?  Now lay down.” The timberwolf, seemingly named Mr. Splinters, complied.  “I AM MISTER SPLINTERS.” Arca nervously shuffled his hooves in front of the throne.  “Okay, so maybe I caused some irreversible damage to its magical core-brain thing and it's about as intelligent as a gecko now.  But he won't hurt anypony and he needs somepony to care for him so can I adopt him please please please?! Meadowbrook never let me have a dog!” Celestia took a deep breath in through her nostrils and sighed a rather large sigh.  “You know what, maybe this will actually teach you some responsibility, Arcane. Keep it fed and don't let it go after anypony and we'll see if it's worth keeping… I guess.” That got Arca's eyes to light up like fireworks.  “For realsies?!” “Yes.  Now please get your new pet out of day court so it doesn't scare my subjects.  Please.” “Okay!  You won't regret this, I promise!  Say thank you to the princess, big guy!” “I AM MISTER SPLINTERS.” “Good boy!” So yeah, I have no idea why she got so upset with me keeping Mister Splinters!  So I may have essentially caused massive brain damage hitting him with the translator spell, but he's not trying to maim anypony anymore!  Regardless, I took him home and made him a nice bed to sleep in out of fresh soil and a few leaves. I set it up where the sun can shine on him to allow for photosynthesis, and he seemed extremely pleased with this, crying out “I AM MISTER SPLINTERS” as enthusiastically as a monotone talking dog-thing can.  He also hasn't howled at the moon, which is nice, and that reminds me that it's nearly been 16 years since she got banished as Nightmare Moon, so Celestia might need some cheerful words. And speaking of THAT, I wonder what Celly thought about my new pal who is demanding walkies. Anything you wanna add to the journal, Mister Splinters? I AM MISTER SPLINTERS -Arca Dear Diary, One would think that after thirty years of knowing him, my royal alchemist would no longer surprise me.  And yet… still, he continues to confound me. He brought home a TIMBERWOLF! It's times like this I wish emotions were allowed to be seen more on royals in public.  You should have seen Lord Spin Dizzy run like a madpony out of the room in terror! -Celestia