Celestia was alone.
How long she had been alone, she could not say; time had blurred after her discussion in the Black Library, after what scant knowledge the Eldar offered was gifted to her, and the path to Commorragh was a quiet one. The Harlequins had provided escorts, but as was typical of their kind they clung to the shadows just out of sight, never addressing her as she walked towards the Dark City.
So she was alone. For once in the many centuries that she had lived, Celestia was fine with that.
The Webway was much like its creators, hauntingly beautiful yet subtly perverse in its appearance. The path Celestia walked was wide enough to accommodate two Emperor-Class Titans walking abreast, every step she took humming with residual psychic energy left from its construction. Pylons and arches swept upward into nothingness, closing in those walking below while also giving the illusion of a vast, infinite expanse above. Structures that might have once served as sentry towers or even apartments dotted the space between the pylons, shimmering like sunlit water in the low light cast by the Webway’s energy. There was no wind, nothing that would break the stillness beyond the sound of Celestia’s boots on Wraithbone, yet Celestia still fought back a chill on her spine the further she walked.
The Eldar always wanted to intimidate the “lesser” races. Even if one of the “lesser” race’s gods walked among their paths.
Celestia stopped, allowing her power to drift forward through the Webway. Rather than the lashing tides of the Warp, she felt a faint prickling as if a hundred hands were reaching out to touch her. Whispers of long dead Eldar drifted into her mind, their stories and memories mingling with her own for the briefest of instances. Celestia grimaced, pushing the memories out of her mind as she tried to narrow her power and locate Commorragh among the vast expanses of the Webway.
For a hive of debauchery, it is superb at staying hidden from my view.
“You need not search too far for what you seek.” Celestia said nothing as the Harlequin drifted behind her. She recalled her power, turning to face the Eldar as it flickered in her vision. “Those of the Dark City will find you. All that remains is for you to find your prize within.”
“No doubt.” Celestia replied. “You will not follow?”
“No. Our paths do not cross as you approach Commorragh.” the Eldar said before flickering into the shadows. “Though, there are those who might be willing to show you the path ahead.”
“Who are they?” Celestia asked. No sooner had she finished that the air was filled with a familiar musical cue... and the scent of baby oil, but Celestia had already started power-palming her face before the source arrived, so that was more of a non-issue.
Three muscle-bound figures burst from the shadows, their perfectly sculpted bodies glistening as they flew through the air to land at Celestia’s feet. They wore no armor save for their black helmets and some odd plates stapled to the chest of the second of their number. “Oh God, not you three...” Celestia groaned.
“Oh, my Glorious Overlord!” Karstodes said, sliding up to Celestia’s side as he continued. “We have been looking simply everywhere to find you since you left Terra all those years ago.”
“It has been the most daunting task of our careers!” Custodisi added.
“My sculpted glutes burned under the stress of finding you!” Whammudes chirped.
“I did not need your help,” Celestia snapped, finally using some of her +10 strength to remove her hand from her face. “And I still don’t need your help. Did you not remember what I told you when we met at the Imperial Palace?
...
Celestia stared in shock at the half naked Custodes standing before her. Off to her right, Twilight was dealing with a prolific nosebleed. “... Why?”
“It was the only way we could show our devotion to you that everyone could agree on.” the first Custodes said.
“I did not agree to this,” the Captain General of the Custodes said from behind Celestia.
“... Why?”
“The armor can be a might stuffy at times,” the one with the plates said rather sheepishly. “We... just kind of got use to it...”
“But now that you have returned, my Glorious Overlord,” the first said. “We are ever at your command!”
“Uh...” Celestia replied, looking to where Twilight had now passed out from blood loss. Confusion was soon eclipsed by frustration. “You thought the best way to honor my sacrifice was to take your goddamn clothes off?! What kind of idiotic line of thought were you pursuing?! Did you all suddenly snort a whole bunch of Slaanesh infused crack and blow your brains out in the process?!”
“That was an odd Tuesday...” one Custode mumbled.
“I just...” Celestia gave an exasperated sigh. “Just... get out of here. You’re all fired.”
“My lord?”
“You. Are. Fired.” Celestia growled. “You’ve been let go. Your department’s been downsized. You’re part of an out placement. We’re going in a different direction. We’re not picking up your option. How many other ways do I have to say it?!”
“I can think of a few,” the Captain General offered. Celestia was not having it.
“Get out. All three of you. Take your baby oil and go throw yourself on a pyre. I am the Mother-Fucking Empress, and my first order is for you to GET OUT OF MY THRONE ROOM AND OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!” Celestia released a blast of energy at the offending Custodes, not a very powerful one but since they do not subscribe to the idea of “friction” they were sent flying all the same. Once they were gone, Celestia took a few calming breaths, her vision returning to normal soon after.
“... Could someone please help my student before she becomes a vampire or something? No one can lose that much blood and not turn undead afterwards.”
...
“I thought I made it perfectly clear I did not and do not want your help,” Celestia finished.
“Oh, but that was before, my Glorious Overlord,” Karstodes said. “Now that you’ve had a chance to calm down and Kitten isn’t here to bore us all, I am sure you will find us most helpful in your cause.”
“About as helpful as syphilis,” Celestia growled.
“Oh, I know plenty of ways to deal with that!” Wammudes said. Celestia elected to ignore him.
“Just...” Celestia started before giving another deep sigh. “Just try to stay out of my way when we reach Commorragh. The last thing I want those xenos to think is that I’m giving out free rape samples.”
“Do not worry, my Glorious Overlord,” Karstodes chortled. “We will be the model of human achievement among the dark holes of those uncomely Eldar.”
“Please never use the words ‘dark holes’ in my presence again.”
“As you say, my lord,” the three Custodes started off, bounding up into the air as they continued their “seductive” posing. Celestia allowed them to get a few Baneblade lengths away before following after them, keeping her eyes down so she would not catch sight of loincloths in the wind.
You know, the voice of the Dark God whispered behind her. I was on my way to torment you a little more, but it seems that someone beat me to the punch.
If you were not an abomination against all that is good and pure in this universe, I would gladly surrender so you could deal with these freaks instead of me.
Aw, but where’s the fun in that?
Shut up.