I sat in the library, reading a history book. There seemed to be a surplus of these in the kingdom. I had already read through several in Golden Oaks before. I couldn’t believe there were so many different accounts of the same events. I normally would have thought the repetition useless, but each book had unique details to different sections. The more histories I read, the more the picture filled in. Equestria had a long, rich history!
I was doing my best to go in chronological order. The only problem with this approach was that it appeared that most accounts of the early days were identical. Everypony wrote about the hard times, the unification, and Celestia and Luna being crowned. After that there was only a hoofull of entries that ranged over the initial years. Apparently once the sisters moved to Canterlot there was a much more thorough record kept.
I dipped through the pages of several volumes at once. How odd... There were considerable gaps in the early years of Equestria. The first year of unity was documented in great detail, but after that there was very little until Discord’s reign. That left nearly twenty years unaccounted for. What had happened in the early days of Celestia and Luna? In fact...what had happened to them before becoming royalty?
My head swam with questions as I closed each book. For how long the sisters had been in power, there wasn’t anything too personal written about them. I shook my head to clear it. I hated when my old habits took control. I had started with a novel earlier and slowly moved into ‘gathering enemy secrets’ territory. Why did I need to know every last bit of information? It wasn’t necessary anymore.
As I placed the books back on the shelf, the door opened behind me. I listened to the hoofsteps. The guards were heavy-hoofed. These steps were soft and graceful.
“Hello Celestia.”
I turned around, confirming my guess. The princess stood just inside the doorway. She nodded to the guards behind her and they closed the door, leaving us alone.
“How are you Shade?”
“Given the circumstances? I could be worse.”
Celestia glanced at the bookshelves.
“Did you...reorganize the books?”
“Alphabetical by Author. The same way Twilight kept Golden Oaks.”
“I don’t make it in here very often. I’m not surprised things were a little disorderly.”
“So what brings you here?”
She sat down.
“I’ve checked with a few sources to confirm your story and character. And I felt satisfied once I spoke to Twilight.”
“She's back in Ponyville already?”
“Well it has been four days since you arrived. The girls were happy to know you weren’t lost again.”
Four days? Had it really been that long? Then again, I’d nearly read through every book in the room. I shouldn’t be too surprised.
“Good. I wouldn’t want them to worry.”
“It seemed Twilight and Rarity were especially worried about you.”
“Really?”
“It seems you’ve made some good friends since arriving in Ponyville.”
I smiled.
“Yeah. I have. So....what happens now?”
“I thought we’d go for a walk.”
She stood up and turned to the door.
“If you’re up for it?”
I stretched my legs, feeling my muscles ache from sitting all day.
“That sounds perfect.”
She opened the door and led the way out. I passed the guards without hesitation. They were probably watching me, but I didn’t care at the moment. I was out!
I followed Celestia down the hallway.
“So. How’s Equestria holding up?”
She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye.
“Are you actually asking me? Or are you trying to be polite?”
A nervous grin crossed my face.
“In all honesty I don’t know what to ask about.”
“I’ll start then. How was your reading?”
I perked up at that question.
“Really good! I’ve gotten a grasp of Equestrian history, read most of the classic novels, and even studied some magic theory.”
“Did you read everything in the library?”
“Close. I’m pretty sure I skipped over the dictionary and thesaurus.”
She giggled at that. I was shocked! Had I actually made Celestia laugh?
We came to a door that led out to the gardens. The grounds were amazing! There were so many colors that I wondered if my eyes were even processing all of them. I leaned over and sniffed some of the flowers. Celestia watched me, smiling as I took in more of the gardens.
“You really are different from any changeling we’ve seen before.”
“Thank you. I always felt I was different, but Chrysalis made sure to crush that idea as often as she could.”
“I’m glad you have better influences in your life.”
We continued around the gardens until we came to a path that led under a canopy of flowers. It was a tunnel of petals and stems. Celestia led the way down the path. I followed, looking all around at the walls of flora. I almost missed when Celestia made a sharp turn into the side of the tunnel. I looked down in time to see her her back half disappear into the greenery.
I stepped forward and reached out. My hoof fell through the wall, a slight aura blossoming around it. It seemed this particular section of the tunnel was an illusion. One that Celestia knew well since she’d gone through without hesitation. I pushed through the barrier and found myself in a small clearing. There was a covered platform with cushions on it. Celestia was already sitting down.
“Join me.”
I climbed onto the platform and selected a pillow. As I settled down, a sigh escaped me. I felt like I was back in my bed in Golden Oaks. One of the first comforts I’d ever had in my life. A fleeting moment of sadness hit me as I remembered that that was gone now. I took a deep breath and pushed that feeling back. I met Celestia’s gaze.
“I take it you want to talk more openly?”
“And what makes you think that?”
“A hidden spot in the middle of the gardens? I take it nopony knows about this place. Perfect for speaking openly about touchy subjects.”
“Touchy subjects?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Don’t kid with me Princess.”
Her smile slowly faded.
“You’re right. I want to talk about Chrysalis.”
“I could have guessed that.”
“Have you had any contact with her since you were separated?”
“None at all. And I hope I don’t have to see her ever again.”
“You have a strong dislike of her.”
“Dislike is too nice a word. I hate her.”
She flinched in surprise.
“You said that with a straight face. No anger in your voice at all. Are you so set in your feelings?”
“For Chrysalis? Yes.”
“Why?”
I sighed and held a hoof to my temple.
“She abandoned me.”
“I know that. But what else?”
“Do I really need another reason?”
“No. But I can tell that you have one.”
I glared at the alicorn.
“Well wouldn’t you hate the creature that looked down on you like you were less than dirt? That told you you had no purpose other than to bow down and kiss her hoof? I hate her because she made me believe that I was less than any other creature in the world. That I wasn’t worthy of anything good in my life.”
“You’ve felt like this for a long time.”
“Longer than I care to admit.”
“Before your time in Everfree?”
I took a deep breath.
“Yeah.”
“And yet you never thought to leave?”
My bad leg was beginning to spasm. I shifted my body into a more comfortable position, letting the leg lay out.
“Changelings don’t just leave. Not easily anyways.”
“You tried?”
“Only once. But just as I had my escape planned, Chrysalis gave me my most important mission.”
“And that made you feel important.”
I nodded.
“Did Twilight tell you what I did back then?”
“You spied for Chrysalis.”
I sighed again and stood up, beginning to pace.
“I’ve seen many parts of the world Princess. Chrysalis considers everyone an enemy. I’ve been to the Far East of the Dragon Lands. I’ve been to the Stormy Seas of the South. I’ve seen almost every corner of Equestria, though I couldn’t tell you anything about it now. I never stopped to take in the world around me. It was always the mission. It consumed me. I had to find out everything I could about our enemies. I had to please her.”
“So you spied in hopes of earning her approval?”
I stopped pacing.
“If you were shown the briefest kindness, no matter how false it was, wouldn’t you do anything to replicate it?”
“I couldn’t say.”
“I just...wanted her to think of me as...more.”
“More than the other changelings?”
“Yeah.”
“Were there no others that had similar agendas?”
“No. None of the others questioned their place. They knew exactly what they were meant to be from birth.”
“But you thought you were meant for more?”
“I had hoped.”
“Don’t you think you’re already fulfilling that hope?”
I smiled.
“I suppose you’re right. And I’m doing it without her approval.”
“I can understand you wanting to please your Queen, but it seems like you tried more than most. Why would you feel the need to try so hard?”
“I’ve been like that since birth I think. I was never sure what I was meant to be. Logic told me one thing, but Chrysalis told me otherwise.”
“Didn’t you have any help growing up?”
“Changelings fend for themselves.”
“So you were alone amongst hundreds?”
“Well... I guess there were the Elders. They were the changelings that were alive from before Chrysalis took the throne. They sometimes fed me and played with me when I was a new hatchling. I have faint memories of that time. Most of them died in battle by the time I was ten.”
“So they took care of you. Were your parents among these Elders?”
I shook my head.
“No. At least as far as I knew.”
“Do you remember them?”
“I only have a few moments I can think of. I never actually knew my father. Since hatchlings fight their own battles, we didn’t have anyone to protect us.”
“And your mother?”
“Strangely enough I only have one good memory of her. And it was from right after I hatched.”
“You can remember that?”
“You’re talking to the changeling that just read through a small library. My memory is better then most. But again, I can only recall the one good memory.”
“May I ask what it is?”
I thought back to that day. So many decades ago...
“She picked me up after I hatched. She held me close and kissed my head. And I remember her smiling.”
“It sounds like she loved you.”
“I never saw that smile again.”
“Oh... I’m sorry.... So as far as you know, they’re both gone?”
“I was never close to them Princess. It’s no concern to me.”
“They were your parents though.”
“Yeah. And I’m the son that got tossed aside like a cockroach. I didn’t matter to them”
“So that’s why you were always seeking approval from Chrysalis. You wanted to know that you mattered to somebody.”
“And I finally thought I did when she gave me that last mission.”
“What was the mission?”
I locked eyes with Celestia. If I continued, there was no turning back. I’d avoided giving up too much until this point. If I opened my mouth now, I had to be ready for any consequences. I took a deep breath and made my choice. I couldn’t hide forever.
“I was the one who had to find a weak point in Canterlot. I arrived two months before the invasion and began studying the city, the ponies...everything. I crawled through every inch of this city Celestia. I’ve seen every shop, restaurant, and home. I’ve even been through a majority of your castle.”
Her face hadn’t changed. She just stared at me with her pensive eyes. I continued.
“I couldn’t find anything. I thought I had failed. And then...I felt something amazing.”
“Love?”
“Love. An enormous amount like I’d never felt before. All coming from one pony. Your niece.”
“Cadence has always had a huge capacity for love.”
“I don’t doubt it. But what interested me was where the love as directed.”
“Shining Armor?”
I nodded.
“I followed both of them for a week. And with each passing moment, it all came together.”
“What did?”
“The invasion Celestia. Chrysalis may have ordered me to find the weak points so that she could invade. But how the invasion was carried out? That was my part. I was the one who recommended trading places with Cadence. I was the one who set up the tactical positions of the other changelings.”
I could see it in her eyes. She understood.
“You were the mastermind behind the Invasion of Canterlot.”
I slowly nodded.
“And I’m also the fool who missed the most important detail. The fool who left the door open for Twilight to come in and derail my plan.”
I get a shiver run through my body, making my back ache.
“That’s why Chrysalis abandoned me. She didn’t rescue me because it’s my fault that she didn’t take your throne. She decided that I should die rather than rejoin the horde for my mistake.”
I sat down as another shiver ran through me.
“That’s why I hate her Celestia. Because she’s a cruel beast that couldn’t forgive her...second in command..for his one mistake.”
Celestia nodded.
“You have strong feelings surrounding your past Shade. Most of them dark. I hope that, with time, you will be able to release them for good.”
“Release them?”
“I know you may never forgive Chrysalis for what she did, but the anger you have towards her can dissipate. Anger has a way of seeping into other parts of your life if you’re not careful.”
“I’m not angry with anypony else..”
“I know. I’m just warning you of the consequences of keeping that anger inside.”
She stood up and stretched her legs.
“This has been enlightening. I feel that there’s much we can learn from each other.”
I stood up, stretching as well.
“So what do we do now?”
She smiled and began walking toward the exit. I followed after her.
“I thought you might want to see the library. The main library that is.”
“Oh? Are you trying to bribe me with books?”
“Perhaps a little. To be honest with you Shade, I’d feel a lot better if you’d agree to stay in Canterlot for now. As my guest this time.”
We exited the tunnel and emerged in the main part of the gardens again.
“A guest, huh? Still want to keep an eye on me?”
“Can you blame me for still having a few reservations?”
I chuckled.
“I suppose not. But I hope I can prove to you that I’m not your enemy. Not anymore.”
“I look forward to that day.”
“I’d love to stay and satisfy my curiosity, but I’d like to make a request.”
“And what would that be?”
I stopped in my tracks and took a deep breath.
“Please let me go home.”
She stared at me, a little shocked by my bluntness. I looked up at the alicorn, meeting her eyes.
“I know you’d feel more comfortable with me nearby, but I think that Ponyville is just as safe as here. Plus...I miss my friends. I’d like to see them.”
Celestia stood still, never breaking eye contact as she mulled it over. Her eyes finally closed and she sighed.
“You’re right. It would make little difference to have you here right now. And I’m sure Twilight and the others can make sure you...stay out of trouble.”
A smile was creeping into the corner of her mouth. I smiled back and bowed my head.
“Thank you. I appreciate your understanding.”
I lifted my gaze once more.
“I would like to return sometime and take you up on that library offer.”
Celestia nodded, her smile growing.
“I’d be glad to have you return. But you’re right, you should see your friends. I’m sure they’ve missed you a great deal.”
My stomach growled suddenly and I froze. Celestia had to stifle her laughter.
“Would you...care to have lunch...before you go?”
I straightened up.
“What makes you think I’d want lunch?”
She couldn’t hold it back this time and began to laugh.