"It'll all be worth it in the end, dear Gustave", he whispered to himself as he pushed a cartload of eclairs through the sweltering summer sun.
Beads of sweat rolled down his face, and he wished he could go back in time and smack his innocent, past self upside the head. It seemed like a good idea at the time; Gustave le Grand, le Grand Caterer!
Gustave will cater anywhere!
Gustave will cater anyone!
For any reason!*
*legallyquestionablereasonsrequire500%premium
It was a bold advertisement; he'd proclaimed his craft could be called upon anywhere in the world. For a while, it even brought up more business, but all too soon he'd realized his plan had backfired when a tiny grey pony called upon his services to cater an archeological expedition.
While the context of the catering job was odd, it wasn't the occasion that made Gustave curse his pride, it was the location.
Gustave le Grand was catering in the Dragonlands.
He'd almost considered rescinding his offer when his client told him where the dig site was, but his cursed pride had been his undoing. When Gustave said he would cater anywhere, for anyone, for any reason*, he meant it.
With a final heave, he finally pushed the cart of eclairs next to the grand assortment of other confectionaries he'd whipped up, with no help from his apprentice.
Speaking of, where was she? The earth pony had made herself scarce the instant he’d began to unpack his creations, but as mysterious sounds began to flow out from the tent of his mobile bakery, he realized the answer.
Turned around, he stomped over to the tent, throwing one flap aside to find his apprentice just finishing a batch of orange cupcakes.
“Golden Harvest!” Gustave bellowed. “What is this?”
Golden Harvest looked up from her craft, realizing she’d been caught. She gave her teacher a disarming smile, and offered one of the cupcakes to him.
Gustave snatched it out of her hoof, inspecting it. It looked presentable enough; Golden Harvest had caught on to the basics rather quickly, it was just the other areas she needed work.
He took a hesitant bite. Decent fluffiness. Presentable texture. Admittedly excellent sprinkling. And-
Gustave’s eyes went wide as a tangy foreign flavor hit his tongue, and he spat out the context, brushing off his tongue.
“Yech!” he screamed. “Golden Harvest! How many times do I have to tell you? No carrots!”
His apprentice looked down to the floor in shame, but nodded her head in understanding.
Gustave grunted. “Well, seeing as how you disappeared while I slaved setting up the tables, the very least you could do is make yourself useful in here. Make another batch of sugar cookies, we’re already running low there.”
She nodded, and immediately set to work.
Satisfied with her penance, Gustave harrumphed and exited the tent, walking back over to the dig site.
Ponies of all stripes labored as his client inspected the excavated material on a desk set up in the middle of the dig site.
Gustave walked up to the desk, looking down on the frail unicorn. “You know Stygian, I never did ask what this whole...experience is for.”
Stygian looked up from some of the clumped dirt. “Oh! Uh, well...a long time ago, I once read about a powerful artifact buried in the Dragonlands. I’d always meant to look into it, but me and the other Pillars were just too busy. But now, I’ve finally been able to get together enough resources to fund an expedition!”
Artifact? This intrigued Gustave.
“Artifact? This intrigues Gustave.”
Stygian picked up another clod of dirt, leaning in with his special eyeglass. “I’m pretty sure this is the site, but I don’t know what we’ll find. The records just say it was something really powerful powered by...well, I couldn’t translate the rest.”
“Do you actually think you’ll find it?”
Styigian chuckled. “Pieces of it, maybe. This artifact would be old. Far older than even-”
“Stygian!” a voice called out from one of the digger tunnels. A heavily-armored pegasus flew out of the entrance, landing next to Stygian with a heavy clank. It was Flash Magnus, a pegasus Gustave understood had some history with Stygian, and was the unofficial head of security for the operation.
“Stygian,” Flash Magnus repeated, “I think we’ve found something!”
The unicorn’s eyes went bright. “Oooh! A shard of the artifact?”
Flash Magnus looked over to the tunnel he’d flown out of, then back to his friend. “A bit bigger than that! Come on!”
Flash lifted off and flew back into the tunnel. Stygian dropped everything and ran after him, and many of the workers noticed their sudden departure, and many of them dropped their pickaxes and filled into the tunnel as well.
Whatever it was, it sounded interesting. He decided to follow, but not before looking back to his tent. Golden Harvest had heard the commotion, and her head was stuck out of the tent, watching ponies run into the tunnel.
Gustave frowned. “Golden, I’m going inside! Those cookies better be ready when I get back!”
Golden Harvest nodded, her head disappearing back into the tent.
He nodded, and with a haughty step, followed the rest into the tunnel, but not before taking a large cupcake off one of confectionary tables with him.
The tunnel smelled of the earth, dry and wet at the same time, a dark square tube cut into the pit they’d dug out of the world. A long string of lanterns hung from the ceiling, the only illumination in the long dirt hallway, and Gustave could see up ahead many ponies clustered around an opening of darkness.
As the baker got closer, he saw the workers were being held back by Flash, using his warrior presence to keep them at bay. Stygian was at the very cusp of the darkness, leaning in and squinting.
“So, what happened?” he asked.
Flash Magnus shrugged. “One of the workers said he put a pickaxe right here and the whole wall just fell down. Nobody’s been in there except me.”
“Did you see anything?”
“I hoofed around; whatever’s in there has a roof, at least.”
Gustave saw the unicorn pick up a rock with his magic and fling it into the darkness. A clatter sounded immediately thereafter, signaling the darkness had a bottom, and it was close.
Hesitantly, Stygian crept down the opening. A soft light began to glow near the entrance, a illuminating spell by the unicorn.
What was this? Gustave wasn’t about to let his client hog all the glory for the find, even if the find had absolutely nothing to do with baking.
He marched forward, looking down on the pegasus. “I demand to be let through! Gustave is the caterer, and essentially, second-in-command!”
Flash Magnus stared him down for a moment, but then simply rolled his eyes and motioned them through. He stood aside only briefly, letting Gustave down in the darkness before resuming his place as guard.
Gustave hesitantly crept down the sloped dirt, seeing Stygian standing on the floor looking at something, light emanating from his horn. Even from the little light he was producing, Gustave could see most of the floor of the cavity they’d discovered was cobbled stone, and he even saw much of the rock had peculiar designs etched on them. This wasn’t a natural hole in the ground, this was a sanctum.
He squinted against the darkness. “Stygian,” he complained, “I do hope you’ll give us more light.”
The unicorn looked up from the etched stone he’d been studying, and his eyes went wide with realization. “Oh! Flash Magnus let you through?”
“Of course.”
“Hm. Let’s see what I can do.”
Closing his eyes, Stygian’s horn pulsed with power, and the magical torch left it, floating up to near the center of the room they were in. Still dim, it glowed like a bright star in the darkness before suddenly growing five times in size, filling the room with light and revealing all.
A wave of murmurs passed through the crowd at the entrance as everyone saw what they’d excavated.
With whole room visible, Gustave could see now that most of it was covered in the same cobblestone bricks, creating intricate patterns all around the room. Some of them even looked familiar; the stones flowed into the shapes of dragons, of moons, of...was that a cake?
But the true find was in the center. Sitting on an immense pedestal of iron with stairs leading to it was something that strained Gustave’s ability to comprehend; if pressed, he would’ve described it as a kind of ponyless carriage, resembling one that belong to two unicorns he’d had an unpleasant run-in with, but remarkably more sophisticated.
The light from Stygian’s light gleamed off the vessel’s surface in a green shine; it looked to be cut entirely from jade, a stylized dragon’s head carved on the front and...there was no doubting it now, pictures of various sweets and confections all over it.
In a way, it made Gustave proud. Truly, some professions were eternal.
Stygian had already begun walking his way up the metal staircase, and Gustave followed.
“What...is it?” Gustave asked.
Stygian paused. “You know, I honestly have no idea. This whole place is like a tomb.”
“Or a prison.”
Stygian looked to Gustave with a serious frown. “Believe me, I know a thing or two about ancient prisons. This isn’t one.”
Gustave shrugged, continuing to follow Stygian until they had reached the top of the pedestal. The contraption, whatever it was, was relatively larger than the carriage he’d seen elsewhere, and even had what appeared to be seats.
Stygian began to walk around the vessel, inspecting every nook and cranny. “The precision in these details is amazing. I’ve never seen anything like this.”
Gustave took a bite out of his cupcake. He savored every morsel, taking the time to appreciate his own craft.
“What does it do?” the baker asked with his mouth full.
Stygian poked it. “Transportation? War machine? Worshiped as deity? The stones in this room might tell us something, but it’d take me years to make sense of them. I’ll have to get a whole team of scholars here.”
Gustave snorted. “Hmph. Sounds like you’ll be needing my services for a while, then.”
“Looks that way.”
Stygian stopped at the base of the vessel, near where the ‘seats’ were. He leaned up, trying to pull his small frame onto the machine, but his stature worked against him. He looked to Gustave with a smile.
“Little help?”
Gustave huffed. He placed his half-eaten cupcake in the dragon’s mouth and walked over to Stygian. He picked the unicorn up by the collar, allowing him to scramble on to the seat section.
Once Stygian was aboard, Gustave stepped back, looking up to Stygian.
In the jade cockpit, Stygian admired something before him. “Amazing. There’s an entire control panel here.”
“A control panel?”
“Well, not a real one. It’s all cut from jade, like everything else. I don’t even think these buttons can be pressed.”
He pushed one, and Gustave flinched. When nothing happened, Stygian shrugged. “See? It didn’t even budge. I don’t even think the wheels on this thing can turn.”
“So it’s, what, a decoration?”
“Seems like it. Oh, and there’s more of those baking designs! Come up here, you should see this!”
Gustave felt like Stygian was going to call out every symbol of his craft on the vessel until he acknowledged them, and with a sigh, he decided to join Stygian, but not before retrieving his cupcake.
When he walked over to the roaring dragon’s head, he did a double-take when he saw his treat was gone.
Stygian saw his confusion and called out. “What’s wrong?”
Gustave huffed. “My cupcake’s gone.”
“Maybe it's somewhere else?”
“Gustave does not forget where he puts his cupcakes!”
“Well maybe it-”
They were interrupted by a rumble. The entire room shook as the machine suddenly began to hum with arcane energy, the iron pedestal rattling under its power.
Its ancient wheels creaked, its frame screeched. Stygian cried out, prompting Gustave to fly up and attempt to retrieve him. Just as he was upon the unicorn, a blue barrier of energy surrounded the cockpit, blocking his path and sealing the unicorn inside.
Stygian banged on the barrier. “What’s happening?!” he screamed.
“How would I know? I’m a baker!” Gustave screamed back.
The room was shaking so violently that many of the stones on the roof began to fall, dust and rock raining from the ceiling.
Stygian banged at the controls for some hope of a response, but they nothing to control the machine. A hiss rose from the front, and Gustave looked down to see the jade dragon head’s eyes had begun to glow red.
The machine suddenly lurched forward with a groan, its frame barreling down the metal steps and towards the entrance with surprising speed. The workers at the entrance fled in terrified yelps, and Gustave was left behind as the machine simply crashed through the hole, digging an even wider tunnel as it barreled through the earth.
In nearly no time at all, the machine had cleared the tunnel and burst out into the open excavation site, sending the remaining workers fleeing for safety.
Gustave flew after it. Once he’d caught up with it, he spotted Flash Magnus clinging to the side of the machine, repeatedly ramming it with his thick helmet.
“Flash!” Stygian yelled, “that’s not working!”
“I’m open to suggestions!”
“You’re never going to breach the barrier! Find a way to stop this thing!”
Realizing he’d be no help, Gustave landed. He was a warrior, but a warrior of sweets, not...actual war.
As the machine raced circles around the dig site, Gustave realized his confections were in danger. He swiveled his head toward the catering tables, and saw the machine already on a path toward it. He flew over to them with haste, dragging a few out of the way before the machine came too close, forcing him to abandon the cake with the sweet tarts. As the machine drew near, the tarts were sucked into the dragon’s mouth, and glow in its eyes pulsed.
Two new jade dragon heads grew out of the machine’s jade structure next to the old one, their eyes also glowing red with power. Like the main head, they too began to suck up the catering, Gustave being forced to again abandon another table as all the chocolate chip cookies he’d so painstakingly baked disappeared in the machine’s mouths.
With the new sweets in its system, it stopped and began to rumble. Gustave took the opportunity to pull away the tables with strength he didn’t even know he had, getting them as far away from the machine was possible.
Pushing the tables to the other side of the dig site, he looked back in the machine and saw the rumbling had stopped.
And then the dragon heads began to move. They came alive, their red eyes now filled with purpose as the machine suddenly grew two wide pods suspended on jade stalks on the roof, which began to fire lasers in every direction.
“Sacrebleu!” Gustave cried, “It’s a war machine powered by sweets!”
The jade dragon heads turned their attention to Gustave, and his remaining confections.
“Gustave!” Flash Magnus called out from the machine, “do not let this thing eat more of your treats!”
The machine sucked up a spare doughnut on the ground, and grew a jade boxing glove that sprung out from the machine and hit Flash Magnus square in the jaw, sending him tumbling down to the ground in a heap.
The machine slowly turned on its path, headed straight for Gustave. The baker thought fast, scooping up the remaining confections in the cloths on the tables, and flying up out of the machine’s reach. But one of the laser pods’ aim was true, and with a precise shot, shot a hole in one of the cloth sacks allowing Gustave’s prize-winning Turkish delights to tumble downward into the machine’s open mouths.
The dragon heads greedily swallowed the treats, the machine growing a wide variety of other deadly instruments, including new laser pods, buzz saws, missile racks, and a giant scaly arm wielding a baseball bat with a nail in it.
The machine left total destruction in its wake as it chased Gustave, looking to gain the last of his creations.
Gustave weaved through the air as best he could, but one of the missiles finally exploded too close and he tumbled out of the sky, only barely able to slow his descent as he hit the slope of the dig site, rolling down until he came to rest in the dirt.
The war machine advanced up upon him, the dragon heads ready to devour his confections, and possibly him.
Gustave held the remaining cloths full of sweets away from the heads, defiant to the last, until he heard a whistle to his right. Both he and the dragon heads looked over to see Golden Harvest, carrying a steaming tray of fresh muffins.
He blinked. “Golden Harvest? What are you doing!?”
Without a word, she set down the tray and sprinkled her creations with Gustave’s best, expensive sprinkles. Gustave opened his mouth in protest before he saw the creamy orange tops of the muffins. He realized his apprentice’s intentions, and looked to the machines heads with a grin, motioning to the tray.
“Fresh out the oven,” he declared. “Can’t get better than that.”
The dragons kept their gaze on the fresh creations of Golden Harvest. Licking their jade lips, the machine changed course to head right toward them.
On them in a second, the jade heads of the war machine gobbled up the muffins in an instant, swallowing them without even chewing.
The heads seemed to enjoy them.
For a moment.
But that moment ended, and suddenly a look of disgust came upon the central head’s face as its glowing red eyes slanted in shock. It began to cough and hack, and the other two heads watched it in confusion before disgust filled their faces as well and they joined the main head in on its whooping coughs, attempting to force out what they’d just eaten.
Soon their coughs became cries, then gurgles, then screams as beams of light began to flow out from the machine, growing in number as the heads became more and more agonized. With a final crescendo of light, the blue barrier trapping Stygian lifted and he managed to jump out just in time as the entire war machine exploded.
Gustave launched himself into the air and caught Stygian, lowering him to the ground. Small, now-still pieces of the war machine began to rain down all across the dig site, littering it with green trash.
The shower of jade continued for some time before tapering off, and Flash Magnus regained consciousness, woozily riding to his legs just in time for one final jade piece to clink off his helmet.
“Uggggh,” he moaned. “What happened?”
He saw the jade scattered around him, and rubbed his head. “I guess we won? How?”
Golden Harvest, head held high, trotted through the battlefield, munching on one of her orange muffins with another fresh tray on her saddled back. She came up to Flash Magnus, giving him one before walking over to her teacher and Stygian and offering them as well.
As Flash Magnus walked over to join them, Gustave puffed his chest out with pride as he gratefully took one of her muffins, as did Stygian. “We have the great work of Golden Harvest to thank! After all, she has a great teacher!”
They all took a bite of their muffins. Stygian and Flash Magnus immediately spat them out, but Gustave continued to chew along with his apprentice, tears in his eyes.
Tears of pride.
But mostly pain.