Doctor Whooves walks around and saw Applejack working at Sweet Apple Acres, she was planting crops for the spring season,
"Yee-haw!" Applejack said as she bucked trees,
"Come on, Applejack, help me and Apple Bloom plant the corn while Big Mac makes the scarecrows." Granny Smith said, and Applejack does, Doctor Whooves sighs and continues heading home, he sits and waits for his next patient, he hears walking and his patient comes in, it was a male earth pony, he had a light orange coat, shoulder length mane and a moderately long tail, they were yellow, his eyes were green, he was wearing a dark yellow straw hat, blue denim overalls that also doubled as pants, they had two gold buttons on them to hold the straps on, he had no shoes on, and his cutie mark could not be seen, his teeth were all crooked, and he had a piece of straw in his mouth. Doctor Whooves looks at him with surprise while he sat across from him,
"Howdy, pardner." the earth pony said,
"State your name and occupation." Doctor Whooves said,
"Mah name's Hillbilly, and um, Ah don't know what mah job is called, but's kinda like raisin' food and vegetables." the earth pony replied,
"I believe you mean farmer." Doctor Whooves said,
"That's it, there we go, Ah ain't good with them fancy words." Hillbilly said,
"Well, let's get started, we're already running late." Doctor Whooves replied, and Hillbilly begins his tale.
Hillbilly was a poor country pony who lived on a farm with his paternal uncle, who was his father's older brother. Hillbilly was an only child and his parents passed away from trying to drink water straight out of the soil, believing it would be safe to drink unfiltered since they used the same water for their sink in the house through a well. Hillbilly was harvesting crops to sell and was not having a good year, and his uncle never helped, since he had lumbago, and could not work, so Hillbilly did everything.
Hillbilly heads into his house and saw his uncle sitting in a chair, he had somewhat dark brown coat, blue eyes, a white tail, beard, and moustache that were connected and grown out, he was bald on the top of his head, he wore a dirty brown hat with a black crown since he only had his mane on the sides and back of his head, he also wore an orange button-up long-sleeve shirt that was unbuttoned from his chest to the top, he also had on gray pants, beige suspenders to hold up his pants, and black knee-length boots on all four of his legs, his shirt and pants were tucked into them,
"We ain't doin' good with the crops dis year, uncle." Hillbilly said,
"What'cha mean we ain't doin' good?" Hillbilly's uncle asked,
"Food ain't growin', and we ain't got any good enough to sell." Hillbilly replied,
"Well, don't cha got dat little scarecrow competition comin' up?" Hillbilly's uncle asked,
"There's no way Ah'll win with da scarecrow Ah have now." Hillbilly replied, the scarecrow was made from straw and falling apart, and its head was hanging off, it was in the shed to the left of the house,
"It would help if ya helped me, uncle." Hillbilly said,
"Ah would, but Ah got dis dang ol' lumbago, and Ah can barely move." Hillbilly's uncle replied,
"Hold on, uncle, Ah'll make ya some dinner." Hillbilly said, and he goes to the kitchen.
"Hold on, before we go on, does your uncle really have lumbago?" Doctor Whooves asked,
"Yes." Hillbilly replied,
"Alright, continue on." Doctor Whooves said, and Hillbilly does.
Hillbilly makes a meal for his uncle and brings it to him, he eats it and Hillbilly also brought a jug of cider for him,
"Thanks, Hillbilly, you were always the one who did da most work." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Yeah, you did more than me 'fore you got lumbago." Hillbilly replied, his uncle chuckled,
"Well, ya should rest, it's late." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Alright, Ah'm goin' to da store tomorrow, see ya in the mornin', uncle." Hillbilly replied, and he went to bed.
Hillbilly woke up early and has corn for breakfast, he saw his uncle was still asleep, so he went to the store. Hillbilly heads to the store and saw a unicorn selling a green drink in a dark green plastic bottle, Hillbilly did not recognize him, so he went to him. Hillbilly goes to the unicorn and saw he had a whitish blue coat, a short bright blue mane and tail, and purple eyes, his cutie mark was a fox's head with black eyes, and orange and white fur,
"Hi there. Would you like to try my new soda?" the unicorn asked,
"Ah've never seen ya 'round here before, pardner, what's yer name?" Hillbilly asked,
"Name's Joker, I'm a traveler across Equestria." the unicorn replied,
"What'cha doin' all da way out here?" Hillbilly asked,
"I'm making money by selling this carbonated drink of mine, it drinks like a soda, and kicks like an energy drink." Joker replied,
"Sorry, pardner, but dis don't sound appetizin'." Hillbilly said,
"Really? You won't know until you actually try it." Joker replied,
"It's fine, Ah don't think Ah'll be needin' it." Hillbilly said,
"I'll be giving everypony a free first sample, once when you drink it, you will come back for more." Joker replied,
"And how do ya know that'll happen?" Hillbilly asked,
"One taste, and you'll know." Joker replied, Hillbilly thought about it,
"Alright, Ah'll take one, but only cause it's free." Hillbilly said, and Joker gives him one,
"Here you go." Joker replied, and Hillbilly takes it, he walks away while Joker watches him with a smile on his face.
"So you've met Joker, too." Doctor Whooves said,
"Ya know him?" Hillbilly asked,
"Yes, he's one of my previous patients." Doctor Whooves replied,
"What did ya think of him?" Hillbilly asked,
"I enjoyed him, I thought he was funny." Doctor Whooves said,
"Oh, well, continuin' on." Hillbilly said, and he continues.
Hillbilly arrives home while holding the drink in his front left hoof,
"Ya got the groceries?" Hillbilly's uncle asked,
"Yup, Ah also got this for free." Hillbilly replied,
"What is that? Looks like some kind of new drink made by Princess Luna to make us have dreams about a smilin' sun, and hills with eyes and smileys, and the ground movin' up n down." Hillbilly's uncle said, Hillbilly smiled, trying not to laugh,
"Ah'll be puttin' the groceries in the fridge now, uncle." Hillbilly said,
"Alright, can ya get me a root beer as well?" Hillbilly's uncle asked, and Hillbilly went to the kitchen. Hillbilly put apples, oranges, broccoli, cauliflower, and blueberries, there was also corn, peppers, squash, carrots, pumpkins, and radishes in the refrigerator, Hillbilly and his family grew them in the fields around the home, he finishes and gets a root beer for his uncle. Hillbilly goes to his uncle and gives him his root beer,
"Thanks, Hillbilly, mah next doctor's appointment is a week from now, dey're plannin' to give me medicine for mah lumbago." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Good for ya, uncle, Ah'm gonna go attend to da crops now." Hillbilly replied, and he went outside. Hillbilly works outside in the blazing sun and was planting seeds to grow vegetables, this year's harvest was not sprouting, and it was getting worse every year,
"Whew, man, it's hot today." Hillbilly said, and he went to get the drink he bought from Joker and drinks it, it tasted like a lemon and lime carbonated soft drink, Hillbilly feels intelligent all of a sudden and his pupils grow bigger and he has sees strange things in his vision. Hillbilly sees nutrients being drained out of the soil because he and his family have been planting the same food in the same soils for years, and had to switch them around, Hillbilly then came back to reality,
"Whoa." Hillbilly said, he was in awe at what the drink did, he also liked the taste, and he got back to work. Hillbilly begins to plant the food in different areas to mix up the soil, he was not thirsty for the rest of the day, which confused Hillbilly, but he was happy to be done working, he had lunch and then went back outside to switch the food more, he had dinner and then went to bed. Hillbilly sleeps and woke up early, he yawns and was craving more of the drink, he drinks it from the refrigerator and he begins to see things more clearly again, he saw that his uncle's lumbago could be cured if he drank the drink, he runs to him and saw he was awake,
"Uncle!" Hillbilly said, his uncle looks at him,
"Ya gotta drink dis! It's gonna cure yer lumbago!" Hillbilly said,
"Now, where in tarnation did ya get dat idea from?" Hillbilly's uncle asked,
"Ya just gotta drink dis, uncle, it'll cure ya." Hillbilly replied,
"Oh no, Ah ain't drinkin' dat new Equestrian stuff, Ah'll stick to mah good ol' water and cider." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Come on, uncle, Ah'm serious, dis'll cure ya if ya drink it." Hillbilly said,
"No, Hillbilly, dat ain't gonna convince me, you'll need more than just a claim to prove it to me." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Ah tried it, uncle, it enlightened me." Hillbilly replied,
"Well, ya go on and continue drinkin' it, Ah ain't puttin' mah lips on it." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Oh come on, uncle, it's enlightenment." Hillbilly replied,
"No, it ain't, it's just a new drink you like, now tend to the crops." Hillbilly's uncle said, Hillbilly felt sad but went outside to tend to the crops. Hillbilly tends to the crops and began switching the plants around on where they grew, he drinks the carbonated drink again and he has another vision, he saw the crops will grow if he poured the drink into the soil, he decides to try it and one corn he just planted fully grew completely, much to Hillbilly's surprise, he gets his bits and runs to find Joker.
Joker was at his stand and business was slow, he hears running and saw Hillbilly coming,
"Ah, you again, what did you think?" Joker asked,
"No time to explain, Ah need all of da drinks Ah can buy with mah bits." Hillbilly replied,
"I told you you'd like it, here you go." Joker said, and he gives Hillbilly about fifteen more bottles of his drink, Hillbilly runs back home,
"Works every time." Joker said as he looked on. Hillbilly puts the bottles of his drink in the refrigerator and took one out with him, he dumps it into the soil to grow food and they all grow completely,
"What in tarnation?" Hillbilly's uncle asked, Hillbilly becomes surprised and runs into the house,
"Dis drink is a fertilizer, uncle, it grows the food fast." Hillbilly said,
"Nuh-uh, Hillbilly, hard work is da best way to go." Hillbilly's uncle replied,
"Well, we got food, and it's almost lunch, so Ah'll pick the crops." Hillbilly said, and he does, he also washes and cleans the vegetables he picked. Hillbilly and his uncle have fruits and vegetables for lunch and Hillbilly's uncle was surprised,
"Wow, this tastes just like regular food." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"How's yer back feelin', uncle?" Hillbilly asked,
"Actually, Hillbilly, mah lumbago feels a bit better." Hillbilly's uncle replied,
"Ah grew dem with dis little drink here." Hillbilly said,
"Ah still ain't drinkin' it." Hillbilly's uncle replied, Hillbilly becomes annoyed and finishes his meal and does the dishes. Hillbilly goes back outside and slams his front left hoof onto the ground since his uncle would still not believe him, he watches the crops and he hears something coming all around the farm. Hillbilly looks and he sees small bipedal creatures coming, they were mostly silver and white in color, they had large, round, glowing orange eyes, large heads, bat-like ears, eagle-like talons on their hands and feet, and needle-like teeth,
"What in tarnation?" Hillbilly asked, the creatures come and they begin eating the crops, Hillbilly runs into his house,
"Uncle, there's some kind of strange creature Ah've never seen eatin' the crops." Hillbilly said,
"Let me see what dey look like." Hillbilly's uncle replied, and Hillbilly pushes his chair outside. Hillbilly's uncle looks around and sees the creatures,
"It's dem hopkinsville goblins, dey come here and eat our crops when we grow 'em too tall and too many, our crops are done for dis year." Hillbilly's uncle said, Hillbilly was determined to keep his crops and ran inside and drank the carbonated drink and has a vision, he saw he had to improve his old scarecrow in the shed, so he went in there. Hillbilly begins working on his scarecrow and knew what to do, flashes of light were seen in the shed while noises of electrical sparks were heard. Hillbilly opens the shed while the goblins ate the crops, a silver robotic scarecrow with round red eyes walked out, it walks forward and the eyes shoot lasers out, the goblins that got hit were disintegrated and disappeared from existence, the scarecrow also shot fire out of its mouth and cooked a goblin, Hillbilly smiled since he thought the scarecrow was perfect for defending the crops.
The goblins continue ignoring the scarecrow that Hillbilly controlled with a remote controller and the scarecrow continued zapping the goblins, they soon see the scarecrow and run away when they realize they were being attacked,
"Yeah, and stay off mah property." Hillbilly said,
"Dey'll be back, Hillbilly, dey always come back." Hillbilly's uncle replied,
"And Ah'll be ready for 'em." Hillbilly said,
"Well, come in and have yerself a meal, I think ya earned yerself one." Hillbilly's uncle replied, Hillbilly smiled and he went inside to have lunch while his uncle sat outside and patrolled the front and sides of the farm. Hillbilly has fruits and vegetables for lunch and rested a little, he already felt better, he rested a bit and fell asleep,
"Hillbilly! Dey're back!" Hillbilly's uncle said from outside, Hillbilly wakes up and looks at the clock and saw he slept for five hours, he was satisfied and headed back outside with a bottle of the carbonated drink. Hillbilly looks and sees the goblins were back and eating the crops, but they spread out farther and hid under the plants, he saw the goblins were taking the corn and carrying them underground. Hillbilly drinks the carbonated drink and has a vision on what to do,
"Uncle, where are da grenades at?" Hillbilly asked,
"In da shed, behind yer parents' stuff." Hillbilly's uncle replied, and Hillbilly entered the shed. Hillbilly goes through the gardening tools his parents left in the shed and finds the grenades that his father tried to build on his own many years ago, the grenades had delayed actions as well, Hillbilly takes them and gets out the paint he used to decorate his scarecrows in the past with, he paints the grenades yellow and places them on the corn plants, the goblins take them and burrow underground, the grenades explode and the ground erupted, Hillbilly smirks but he saw the goblins were still alive and charred in black, they glare at him and just walk away afterwards. Hillbilly was happy and he got two mugs of Sweet Apple Acres cider out of the refrigerator, he went outside and gave one to his uncle, the two laugh,
"Ah think you showed 'em, Hillbilly." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Got dat right, dey shouldn't be comin' back after dat." Hillbilly replied, his uncle laughs a bit and the two hit one another's glass and they drink the cider. Hillbilly and his uncle watch happily until they saw the goblins come back, they run to them and begin scratching and biting Hillbilly and his uncle,
"Ow, dat hurt." Hillbilly said,
"Get mah gun from da house, Hillbilly." Hillbilly's uncle said, and Hillbilly ran in after shaking the goblins off and got the rifle, he gave it to his uncle and pulled the goblins off of him and threw them back. Hillbilly's uncle aims the rifle and fires, he hits one goblin and it becomes black and charred again,
"Ah! Ah forgot dis is a blank gun, curse Princess Celestia for outlawin' guns!" Hillbilly's uncle said as he threw the gun onto the ground, he screams and holds onto his lower back with his front hoofs,
"Ah! Mah lumbago!" Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Uncle!" Hillbilly said as he ran to him and carried him into the house. Hillbilly puts his uncle against the wall and he sat,
"Oh, mah lumbago, the recoil from da gun must've agitated it." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Go ahead and rest, uncle, Ah'll fend dem off." Hillbilly replied,
"Good luck, mah nephew, and Ah'll leave da rifle to ya." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Thank ya, uncle." Hillbilly said, and he went back outside. Hillbilly heads outside and saw the goblins taking the crops again, Hillbilly drinks the carbonated drink again and has a vision on his scarecrow again, he saw what he had to do, so he ran into the shed and got to it. Hillbilly adds components to his scarecrow and replaces it's feet with wheels, he uses the remote control to send it out and the scarecrow had two extra arms, the upper left arm shoots shed tools at the goblins, one got hit and flew away from the hit, the scarecrow shot screwdrivers and chisels at the goblins. The scarecrow lifts its lower left arm up and hits the goblin to its left with the back of a digging shovel, the goblin squeaks as it got buried into the ground from the hit. The scarecrow continues going forward and it shoots laser beams out of its eyes, disintegrating a few goblins, and shoots fire out of its mouth, which cooks them, the goblins burrow into the ground and run away,
"Yee-haw!" Hillbilly said as he held his hat in his front right hoof, and he went back into the house. Hillbilly goes to his uncle,
"Dem goblins are gone, uncle." Hillbilly said,
"Heh-heh, Ah knew ya could do it, Hillbilly." Hillbilly's uncle replied, Hillbilly smiled,
"Let's have dinner, Hillbilly, Ah think we've earned it." Hillbilly's uncle said, Hillbilly agreed and the two have fruits and vegetables and they drink cider, the two went to bed three hours later. Hillbilly wakes up the next morning and yawns a bit, he opens the refrigerator and sees there was a hole at the bottom and all of his carbonated drink was gone,
"What in tarnation?!" Hillbilly asked,
"What is it, Hillbilly?" Hillbilly's uncle asked,
"Somethin' ate through da fridge at da bottom and got in." Hillbilly replied,
"Let me see it." Hillbilly's uncle said, and Hillbilly went to his uncle and carried him to the refrigerator,
"What da?" Hillbilly's uncle asked as he looked at the hole at the bottom,
"What'd ya think, uncle?" Hillbilly asked,
"Ah don't know what to think, Hillbilly, Ah've never seen teeth marks like dis before." Hillbilly's uncle replied, Hillbilly becomes nervous and went outside to tend to the crops.
Hillbilly tends to the crops and did not see any goblins around, so he just tended to them, he hears a burp in front of the house and he looks, he saw the goblins, and the bottles of his drink, they were open and empty,
"Aw, man, them varmints drank mah brain juice." Hillbilly said, he hears a machine and saw the goblins built a fighting bot out a wagon and several electrical wires from a nearby house. The fighting bot walks forward and Hillbilly quickly got his scarecrow, he begins to use the flamethrower on its mouth to burn the wooden parts, but he saw metallic parts under it, which surprised him. The fighting bot begins to beat up Hillbilly's scarecrow and Hillbilly tries to control the scarecrow,
"C'mon, get up." Hillbilly said as he tried to control it, but it did not respond, so Hillbilly ran to get the rifle, he looks for the goblin controlling the fighting bot and saw it, he fires a blank at it and its face turns black, it got distracted and stopped for a minute, Hillbilly then shot another blank at the fighting bot, it actually damaged the fighting bot and he hit the battery powering it, and the fighting bot shuts down. Hillbilly watches and the goblins begin to take the corn and put it in a machine that was removing the silk and husk easily, Hillbilly runs to his shed and saw the tools were gone, he saw the goblins used the items inside the shed to build the machine, Hillbilly becomes angry and his face contorts and turns red, he runs back outside and grabs the rifle, he runs to the machine and the goblins become scared and run away while Hillbilly fires every blank bullet left in the rifle into the machine and destroys it. Hillbilly pants and walks to the machine, he saw the tool and materials from the shed were destroyed, Hillbilly growled under his breath and went back, he went inside his house,
"Uncle, dem goblins used up da things in our shed." Hillbilly said,
"What?! Dem things were expensive!" Hillbilly's uncle replied,
"Ah know, and dem goblins just used it to build a machine to pick corn." Hillbilly said,
"Where is dis dastardly machine?" Hillbilly's uncle asked,
"Ah already destroyed it." Hillbilly replied,
"Oh, good, come on, Hillbilly, we have to leave, 'fore dem goblins destroy our home." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"No way, uncle, Ah'm defendin' mah property till da very end." Hillbilly replied,
"Quit bein' foolish an' go, ya still have yer whole life ahead of ya." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Oh no, uncle, our family has lived here for generations, Ah ain't givin' it away to some lowlife pests." Hillbilly replied,
"These goblins ain't regular pests, Hillbilly, dis is why we don't grow much crop here, it attracts dem and dey eat 'em, leavin' us with nothing to sell till next year." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Ah ain't gonna let that happen, Ah'm gonna get rid of 'em once an' for all." Hillbilly replied, and he went outside. Hillbilly looks around and saw the goblins missed the old carbonated drink Hillbilly was drinking yesterday,
"Yes." Hillbilly whispered, and he took it, he takes a sip and had a vision on how to build a cart, he goes into the shed and dismantles the scarecrow, he uses the remains of the robotic scarecrow to build a silver metallic cart that only had two wheels, but it worked,
"Alright." Hillbilly said, and he went into his house,
"Uncle, is there anyplace them hopkinsville goblins can't go?" Hillbilly asked,
"Them goblins can't handle bright areas, their eyes are meant for dark places, they ain't good swimmers, either." Hillbilly's uncle replied,
"Come on, uncle, let's lure them to the river." Hillbilly said,
"Now, ya know Ah can't move with mah lumbago." Hillbilly's uncle replied,
"Then drink dis, it'll cure yer back." Hillbilly said,
"We've been through this, Hillbilly, Ah ain't..." Hillbilly's uncle replied, and Hillbilly shoves it into his mouth and forces him to drink it, Hillbilly's uncle has a vision on what to do and his back felt better, he becomes surprised,
"Wait a minute." Hillbilly's uncle said, and he stands up and moves around,
"Look at dat, dat really was da cure to mah lumbago, Ah'm sorry for not listenin' to ya, Hillbilly." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Yeah, thank ya, but we got work to do right now, uncle." Hillbilly replied, Hillbilly's uncle nods while smiling,
"Then let's get to it." Hillbilly's uncle said, and they go outside. Hillbilly and his uncle pack up some of the crops and Hillbilly's uncle was having a hard time moving,
"Whoo, movin' after havin' lumbago after a while sure is hard." Hillbilly's uncle said,
"Come on, uncle, let's find where dey're hidin'." Hillbilly said,
"Ah already know where dem goblins go, dey're in dat cave over dere." Hillbilly's uncle replied as he pointed his front right leg to the southwest, Hillbilly did not see it,
"Let's go, uncle." Hillbilly said, and they get in cart after Hillbilly's uncle has trouble and he drives it. Hillbilly drives southwest and sees the cave after a few minutes, he saw the goblins inside, they look and see the squashes, carrots, and radishes he put on the back, he drives away while he watches the goblins, they go back to the farm and watch, the goblins did nothing,
"Maybe we left too fast." Hillbilly said,
"No, dey're plannin' somethin', give 'em time." Hillbilly's uncle replied, they hear loud stomping and see a big mecha coming to the farm,
"What in tarnation?" Hillbilly asked, they see a mecha made from the nearby houses and trees around the area, they see every goblin on it, and one piloting the whole thing,
"Come on, uncle." Hillbilly said,
"Hey, now, Ah just lost mah lumbago." Hillbilly's uncle replied,
"Well, hurry up and get in da cart, 'fore dey step on ya and give ya super lumbago." Hillbilly said, and he entered, Hillbilly turns the cart on and watches the goblins coming, he drives away when they were near. Hillbilly drives the cart to the northeast and watches the goblins come after him for the corn, he keeps driving and enters the stream, he drives quickly and makes it to the other side, the goblins try to cross, but the sun there was too bright for their eyes to handle, and they got distracted, and the stream knocked the mecha over onto its left side. The goblins screech as they are washed down a stream,
"Yee-haw! We did it, uncle!" Hillbilly said,
"We sure did, Hillbilly." Hillbilly's uncle replied,
"What's gonna happen to dem goblins?" Hillbilly asked,
"That stream leads into a town, so dey'll probably find a new home." Hillbilly's uncle replied,
"Let's go home, uncle." Hillbilly said, and he drives home. Hillbilly plays music on a record player while he and his uncle danced and drank cider from Sweet Apple Acres, they have fun until dark and sleep. The next day comes and Hillbilly was getting things packed up on the cart,
"What'cha doin', Hillbilly?" Hillbilly's uncle asked,
"Ah'm gonna go into town and sell our crops, and make some money." Hillbilly replied,
"Alright, good luck." Hillbilly's uncle said, and he went, and he began making money by selling his crops while his uncle tended to the crops that were already grown.
Doctor Whooves and Hillbilly sat across from one another,
"Did you have fun getting rid of those goblins?" Doctor Whooves asked,
"No, of course not, Ah'm glad dat's done." Hillbilly replied,
"How long ago was this?" Doctor Whooves asked,
"About a month ago, and mah uncle got to cancel his lumbago appointments to da doctor." Hillbilly replied,
"Okay, well, I'll admit, I did find your story to be a bit entertaining, price is ten bits." Doctor Whooves said,
"About dat, Ah don't have any money, but Ah've got food Ah can sell ya." Hillbilly replied,
"Sure, I'll take it." Doctor Whooves said, and they went outside and Doctor Whooves bought vegetables from Hillbilly and paid him, and Hillbilly walked around,
"Excuse me, can Ah interest y'all in buying some freshly grown vegetables?" Hillbilly asked, and many ponies came, Applejack was his first customer, and Hillbilly begins selling food in Ponyville.