//------------------------------// // Chapter 7 // Story: Friendship Is Magic! ... Unless You Are a Human // by Huk //------------------------------// “He did… what?!” Twilight said, her face filled with terror. “But that’s—” “Shocking, I know,” Celestia let out a deep sigh. “Trust me, you are not the only one caught by surprise here, but it happened, and now we have to deal with the situation at hoof.” The unconscious human dressed in a hospital gown was lying on the nearby bed – his breath slow and raspy. The massive scar on the right side of his neck and a bandage around his eyes and forehead were the only reminders of the gruesome scene that transpired less than an hour ago. Glancing between bloodied armor and clothes lying next to the bed and the motionless body, Twilight shook her head. “Well, we do have a mental ward in the Ponyville hospital. From what I… heard, they are very good.” “He is not a pony, Twilight. If he feels alienated now, locking him up is the worst thing we can do. Frankly, if there is anyone who can help him get through this, it is James… and you.” Twilight cocked her head in surprise. “Me? I’m not a psychiatrist.” Celestia smiled gently. “He does not need a doctor – he needs a friend, and that is your field of expertise.” Once again, Twilight glanced at the unconscious human, scanning him from top to bottom, with a doubtful expression on her face. “I don’t know about this,” she said, turning back to Celestia. “Are you sure?” “Yes, I believe that by spending time with you and your friends, John should be able to recover from his… predicament. Besides, there is also a matter of the earlier misunderstanding that needs to be handled properly, and who do the Ponyville residents respect the most?” Celestia nudged her gently, forcing some involuntary blush on Twilight’s face. “I realize I am asking a lot, but you are the best Equestria has to offer—” Before Twilight could say anything, a loud groan caught their attention… *** John woke up, with searing pain radiating from his neck. He tried putting his hands up only to have them snapped back by some elastic cord. His efforts to shift position, also proven futile. “Hey, what’s going on?” He said, his voice hoarse and weak. Celestia wrapped him with her magic, adjusting the restrains. “Please remain calm. You are in Twilight’s castle; you are safe now.” “I don’t believe it…” John let out a dark chuckle. “How did you… Wait, why’s there a bandage on my eyes?” Celestia sighed. “I apologize, but you were bleeding out right in front of me, and I had to act quickly. I used my magic to close the wound you inflicted, but… that left you with a nasty scar and affected your eyesight—” “You blinded me?!” “Calm down, please. The blindness should be temporary. The important part is that you are well, and—” A sound of a door bursting open cut her off. She turned to see James approaching fast with an angry scowl on his face. “He won’t be well for much longer!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “About time mister… I sent you a message half an hour ago, where were you?” “Someone has to feed Fluttershy’s animals until she gets back you know…” “That usually takes you no more than fifteen minutes.” James arched his eyebrow. “You’ve been keeping tabs on me? Interesting… If you must know… Angel, has been giving me a hard time.” “You can’t handle one little bunny, really?” “Hey, don’t give me that! To quote the classic, that thing is the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. He’s got huge, sharp… he can leap about… look at the bones!” “What bones?” James paused and blinked a few times. “Good lord, how can you not know that reference? You told me you were into human classics.” “I am! I read Plato, Homer, Victor Hugo, Shakespeare—” “Ugh! Quick, God, smite the evil witch!” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Those are all giants of human literature!” James opened his arms in a dramatic matter and glanced up. “God, why have you forsaken me?! … Celestia, you are the closest thing to a god here, blast her to the moon or something, before it spreads!” Celestia arched her eyebrow, the expression on her face remaining blank. “No? Fine! Twilight… what about the movies I gave you?” “I prefer books.” James facepalm in defeat. “’I prefer books’ … I bet you say that to every stallion that hits on you—” “Hey!” Celestia let out a gentle chuckle. “Maybe I should send you some guards that like books as well? Then, you could read them together,” she finished with a wink. Twilight rolled her eyes. “You too… really? Perhaps we should get back to the matter at hoof?!” “You’re right Twi, we don’t want to keep captain suicidal waiting, now do we?” James said, clearing his throat and turning to John. “Johnny, would you kindly explain… What the fuck, were you thinking?!” James hit the nearby medical table, launching the content in the air. “What if somepony found you dangling from that tree you fucking idiot, huh?” John let out a dark chuckle. “How thoughtless of me not to consider it. How about a death sentence as a punishment?” “Sorry Johnny, but that low-brow humor of yours needs some working on.” “Says Mr. Walking one-liner!” “Hrmph, fuck you! My one-liners are acts of art, and they are funny!” “Sure… nothing more hilarious than shooting the guy’s head off and then say ‘He looks better without a head anyway!’” “Hey—” “Or yelling ‘liar, liar, face on fire!’ after using a flamethrower!” Twilight interjected. “H-hey!” “Or jumping at the mob of enemies with an ‘I just dropped by to say f… you!’ “Hey! As I recall, when that happened, I was trying to save that lovely butt of yours, Celestia!” Celestia bit her lip. “… touché. Perhaps we should discuss what should we do now?” “I have a suggestion,” John said. “Give me back my gun and leave for a minute—” “This really isn’t funny,” Twilight interjected. “How can you be acting like this, after… what happened?” John let out a deep, loud sigh. “That dork and I spent last ten years fighting… During that time we saw things that… would make your skin crawl, blood run cold, and hair stand – all at the same time… As much as I hate to admit it, dark humor has a way to relive the stress, keep you sane and improve the mood – which’s what James is trying to do… but it won’t work. Not this time. He turned to Celestia. “I got a better question – what the hell do you want from me?! I don’t want to be here, you don’t need me here, and I’m not one of you. So, why? Why did you save me?” Celestia let out a deep, slow sigh. “I will not pretend to know how you feel right now, but for better or worse this is your new home—” “Bullshit! My real home is gone!” “Maybe… But you can rebuild your life here—” “Didn’t you hear what I said?! I don’t want to live in this place!” Gritting his teeth, John tried fighting with the restraints again, but to no avail. “Ugh! Goddamnit! You don’t have the right to do this!” “All I want is to help you, nothing more.” John stopped struggling, and for a moment his labored breaths were the only sounds in the room until he let out a crazy chuckle. “You may change your mind when I tell you I almost killed one of yours!” “I already know, Applejack told me everything—” “Wait, what? He tried to kill Applejack?!” Twilight turned to Celestia, her eyes wide in horror. “Why didn’t you say anything?” “Because it was… irrelevant.” “Irrelevant?! You are asking me to let him stay at my castle! Seems pretty relevant to me!” “He didn’t attack her just like that – he was hungry…” James said. Twilight arched her eyebrow. “That’s supposed to make me feel safer?” A sinister smiled filled John’s face. “Hmm, it’s been a while since I cooked some horse meat…” Twilight bit her lip and stepped backward, her brain too confused to say anything. “I bet you’re gonna taste good—” “Oh, cut the crap…” James interjected, rolling his eyes. “That lame attempt at intimidating isn’t going to work on anyone.” “It’s working on me… a little.” Twilight interjected. “Don’t worry Twi, that idiot is just playing, he wouldn’t hurt a fly for no reason. Besides… you ponies are too sweet.” John sighed in irritation. “Yes… I’m sure they are all fluffy, wuffy and adorable.” “No, no, I meant the meat – it’s just too sweet, like beef mixed with sugar.” John winced in disgust. “Ugh, that’s fairly revolting, but… how the hell would you know how pony meat taste?” “That is the question I would really like an answer to as well,” Celestia said piercing James with her gaze. James bit his lip, smiling sheepishly. “He, he… let’s um… not dwell on such minutiae. The point is… John is not going to hurt… or eat anyone. Right buddy?” Instead of an immediate response, John choose to quietly lay in bed, almost lost in thought. His slow, labored breaths filled the air, as everyone awaited his response. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he slowly shook his head and let out one more deep, slow sigh. “I’m sorry for what happened earlier… If I knew back then what I do now, I would never attack your friend. But that only proves how much I don’t belong here.” “This can still be fixed, John,” Celestia said. “That pony I attacked made it pretty clear that she hates me, and won’t forgive me anytime soon, if ever. Not that I can blame her…” “That doesn’t sound like Applejack,” Twilight said. “Well, she called me a monster in front of everybody – It makes conversation a bit tricky… Besides, if the reaction you had a moment ago is any indication the best I can hope for is a life of an outcast.” “We could move you to another town,” Celestia said. “So I can be a freak over there? Living the rest of my life alone, as some leper? Thanks, but no thanks… Please, just let me go… It’ll be better for everybody.” Everyone looked at each other thinking about how to respond. With her thousand plus years of knowledge and experience, Celestia knew that to have any hope of success, she had to be gentle. She was still in the process of thinking what to say, when Twilight cleared her throat and stepped forward. “I realize it must be hard for you right now, but… suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem—” Twilight was interrupted by an audible slap-sound coming from Celestia and James, as they both facepalmed in unison. “Did I say something wrong?” “Twilight…” Celestia shook her head, lost for words, but chuckled bitterly a second later. “No… it just - you forgot to say that it is selfish.” “Oh, and don’t forget it’s a coward’s way out, and some people are much worse than John, and he is just depressed, and… Hold on, I’m going to check my database for more moronic reasons not to kill yourself.” As Twilight tried to process their remarks, John let out a chuckle. “Not the sharpest tool in the shed is she?” “Actually she is one of the sharpest… most of the time.” “I don’t understand,” Twilight said, with confusion in her voice. “Those are all valid reasons.” “Valid reasons…” John shook his head. “Tell me, do I look like a little girl?” Twilight cocked her head. “Pardon?” “Do I look like a little girl… or a boy, or whatever?” “Um, no…?” “Then why the hell, are you treating me like one?! This whole ‘permanent solution to a temporary problem’ BS is what they keep telling teenagers! Jesus Christ! I’m not suicidal because I got bad grade or my daddy didn’t buy me an iPhone! I want to end this goddamn nightmare because I lost everything! Do you have any idea how that feels?!” “Johnny, I think she gets the point—” “Lose your wife, kid, family, and all your friends along with your world, dreams, and aspiration and then tell me it’s a ‘temporary problem,’ you stupid bitch!” Biting her lip Twilight took a step back, but couldn’t prevent her eyes from tearing up. “Hey, pipe it, man! She’s just trying to help.” “If she wants to help, she should give me back my goddamn gun! And you… I don’t believe that after all, we’ve been through you are letting them do that to me! You promised, you son of a bitch!” James cocked his head in confusion. “… you can’t be serious. I promised to finish you off in case we were about to be captured by some sadistic bastard that would skin us alive or something. I don’t see anyone here torturing you.” John paused again, to let out a bitter chuckle a second later. “The only thing that kept me going during the war was the hope that one day I will get back home and life will be normal again, you know? Having barbeques with friends, playing with my dog, teaching my daughter how to draw—” “Cursing at the price of gas?” “Yeah, that too, boss… Instead, I have been thrown over time and space, and the best I can hope for is to spend the rest of my days on some god-forbidden world knowing that I will never see my wife, or hug my little girl or play with my dog ever again. John let out a deep sigh. “You never had a family, so maybe you just don’t understand how it feels to lose one, but for me, knowing that they are dead, knowing that I’m forever alone it’s like a stab to the heart. This is a nightmare, and I want to wake up…” “John, contrary to what you are saying, you are not alone – or at least do not have to be,” Celestia said, “please let us help you.” “You haven’t been listening—” “I have, and I heard a lot of pain and anger. Believe it or not, but those will pass… if you let them.” “This would only work if I would let go of the memories of my family – and that is NOT happening!” “I see… Let me ask you this – do you believe your wife or daughter would approve of what you want to do?” “W-what kind of question is that?!” “A simple one, you should answer honestly… Would they approve or not?” “I… I don’t know…” “You do not know, or you do not want to think about it?” “I don’t know!” “Oh, I think you do – you just do not like the answer—” “Enough! I have had it with this bullshit!” John shouted, trying to break his restraints yet again. “Argh… Either finish me off or let me be so I can do it myself!” “As long as you are in that negative frame of mind, I will not.” “Then what do you propose?! Locking me up until I die of old age? Because that’s what it’s going to take!” Celesta shook her head, this wasn’t going well at all. She glanced at both James and Twilight, but neither seemed to have any ideas. For a moment they just kept watching as John struggled in his restrains, getting more angry and desperate with every passing second. “How about a compromise?” James said, snapping them all back to reality. “What sort of compromise, you bastard?” John said, gritting his teeth. “With our help, you’ll give Equestria some time, say… a month and—” “Fuck you, boss!” “James is correct,” Celestia said. “I am willing to do everything in my power to help you adapt—” “Both of you go fuck yourselves! You can stick that big horn of yours, up his ass or something!” James glanced at – surprisingly calm – Celestia and took a step back, placing his butt firmly against the wall. “H-hey, man stop giving her kinky ideas…” “My tolerance of your… humor has a limit mister,” Celestia said, to James - arching her eyebrow. “Humor? Shall I remind you who dreamed of doing what a few weeks ago?” James said, making Celestia bit her lip. “You’re lucky that comrade Glim-Glam taught Twilight that memory wiping spell, so almost no one remembers that… incident. But, even if we wipe that off the board, there are other rumors about you…” “You know what they say about rumors…” “Yes… that they are usually true,” Celestia gave him a glare as he turned to John again. “Anyway, you didn’t let me finish, man… Give Equestria a chance, say… thirty days – after that, if you’ll still want to go… I’ll help you—” “Are you insane?!” Celestia interjected angrily. “I will never agree to that!” John smiled sarcastically. “I see that Mrs. Big Butt here is holding your balls in a tight grip, man.” Celestia snorted loudly, turning to James. “You and me outside… NOW!” John chuckled. “Going for a quickie?” “Dear sir, the part about limited tolerance applies to you as well.” “I certainly hope so.” James shook his head. “Thanks a lot, Johnny, now she’s going to take it out on me… You think it over in the meantime.” *** They walked outside, shutting the door behind them. The momentary silence was cut short, by a loud grumble coming from Celestia. “May I ask what were you thinking to make an offer like that?” She said, her face stoic and regal. “Hmm, what was I thinking giving him an offer he may actually accept? That’s a tough one, you need to give me a minute…” Celestia frowned. “He may accept it, but I will not! Do you seriously believe, I will allow you to kill him?” “Oh, don’t worry, I will teleport outside Equestria’s border first, you will be covered—” “That is not the point! You are talking about killing an innocent human being… just like that!” Shaking his head, James turned around and walked up to the nearby window. Outside, blissfully unaware of the drama, ponies were shopping, playing and doing their usual business. The view made him smile. “What’s so funny?” Twilight said. “Nothing… It’s just… Celestia must really take me for some sick bastard.” He turned to Celestia and let out a bitter chuckle. “He’s one of a few people I would consider true friends. I don’t want him dead, believe it or not…” Celestia sighed. “I apologize, I am just… trying to understand why would you even consider such a… drastic measure when there are still other options.” “Other options? Like what? Mental hospital? We both know that won’t work—” “Why not?” Twilight interjected. “Depression is just like any other disease, I don’t understand why shouldn’t we try?” “Yes! Let’s pump him full of drugs, lock him up and send him to therapy – I’m sure that will help…” James smiled sarcastically and snapped his fingers. “Or better yet! When is comrade Glimmer coming back? She can just brainwash him – problem solved!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “I’m serious, why would you object?” “Because John’s reasons for depression are neither trivial nor easily fixable, Twilight,” Celestia said. “The only way he can start healing is after he accepts his predicament and let go. Locking him up will not help.” “With all due respect, you don’t know that.” Celestia smiled gently. “Am I one hundred percent sure? Of course not, however… my own personal experience tells me that the chances of success are slim at best.” For a moment, Twilight froze with a bewildered expression on her face. She wasn’t blinking, moving or even breathing – instead, she stared at her former mentor in disbelief, until the urge to breath snapped her back to reality. But before she could say anything, Celestia cut her off. “It happened shortly after I banished Luna. Without her protection, my dreams had become nightmares… Every time I closed my eyes, some horror was there to haunt me. It was not long until I stopped sleeping altogether. “Of course, the proud fool that I was, I thought nothing of it,” She smirked bitterly. “Alicorns are tough! Sleep is for the weak! I said… Oh, how naive... After a few days, everyone saw something was wrong – the way I walked, how I talked, how I became easily irritable…” She let out a quiet chuckle. “Everyone saw it… except me.” “Haven’t anypony suggested you needed help?” Twilight asked, with a mix of curiosity and fear on her face. “Of course they have, and at one point, I accepted it. I got admitted to the best mental facility, we had at the time, but It only made matters worse… much worse,” Celestia shook her head, as the unpleasant flashback hit her hard. “Do not misunderstand, the doctors, and the staff was all trying their best to help, but instead, they made me feel… alienated, an outcast. I never felt more lonely in my life. " “I don’t understand… How come you felt alienated…” Celestia sighed. “If there is one thing that humans and alicorns have in common, is that in Equestria we are… rare and special, and back then, we were considered even more god-like than now. I quickly became a curiosity… a zoo specimen that everyone wanted to see, but no one could understand. That continued until I snapped completely and…” Twilight bit her lip, pressed her head to Celestia’s side. “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.” “It is all right, this was a bad time… With Luna gone, I was lonely and broken – suddenly in the eyes of the hospital staff I was no longer their champion, but something else… something they did not know how to handle, something… they feared.” “So… how did you get over it?” Celestia let out a chuckle. “Would you be surprised if I tell you that friendship was the answer? All it took was one… very special pony. He made me realize I needed to let go, even if it hurt.” “I don’t recall reading about any of this in any history books…” “This is one of those things I try to keep to myself,” Celestia said, turning to James, “and I would appreciate if it stayed that way.” “Got it.” Celestia cocked her head. “Hmm, no puns or silly jokes? Are you feeling all right?” James rolled his eyes. “The fact that you are a crazy horse is nothing new to me – the point is that we all agree this won’t help John,” Twilight twitched shaking her head, “or do we?” “While I understand what you both are saying, I still think we should at least try the therapy – a lot has changed during that time.” “Twilight it’s not… OK, let me try something else,” he turns to Celestia, “If you were to describe me, what words would you use?” “… brave, honest, impartial—” James smiled sarcastically. “Am I blushing? Don’t sugarcoat me, please… What do you really think? Go on, I can take it.” “As you wish…” Celestia cleared her throat. “Grumpy, sarcastic, stubborn, pessimistic—” “OK…” “—vulgar, impulsive, impatient—” “OK! I got it!” “Let’s not forget sexist,” Twilight interjected. “Hrmph! Says one of the rulers of a country lead by females only!” “You are forgetting prince Blueblood,” Celestia said. James arched his eyebrow, giving Celestia a cold look. “Like I said, females only… Anyway, the word I was looking for was a loner. Even after three hundred years, I don’t like socializing very much.” “I thought, all humans were like that.” “Negative, most were like you – just making friends, hanging out and so on… And John was one of them. Hell, Applejack always reminded me of his attitude, the irony is a bitch, huh?” Twilight put on a confused expression on her face. “But, if he is like that then frankly, he should like it here.” “Yes, you’re finally getting it! I hope that if everything goes well, in thirty days, he won’t be suicidal anymore, and… I will finally have someone to drink with…” Celestia frowned. “Oh, don’t give me that face – that’s your fault!” “Of course it is.” “Well, who should I blame for the fact that your ponies can’t really drink, huh? I mean… OK, some earth ponies can, but only a few – because of that I’m forced to usually drink alone… What about alicorns, can you guys drink?” “I am afraid I do not know.” James grinned. “Any of you would like to test what those magical livers can do?” “No.” “Oh, come on…” He turned to Twilight. “How about you?” “No!” “For science!” “I… no.” “You are both so… negative, sometimes – seriously, you need to relax,” he snapped his fingers. “I know, from now on, I will make it my life’s goal to get you drunk, starting with you, Celestia.” Celestia rolled her eyes. “Everybody needs a hobby, I guess… It may take a while to accomplish though…” James put on a grin. “So you’re saying it IS possible?! Ha! I knew it… how long will It take?” “Eternity.” “I got time…” “Perhaps we should get back to the matter at hoof?” Twilight interjected. “Do you have to be such a party pooper? Even if he somehow gets out of restraints, I’m sure somewhat as experienced as Celestia removed all sharp objects from the room, and locked his powered armor and guns somewhere… Right?” Celestia bit her lip and smiled sheepishly. “Seriously?! Come on!” *** They entered the room to find John struggling with his restraints – one hand already free. “Damn it, I really hoped it would take longer,” he said, letting out a sigh of disappointment. “So, where did it go?” James winced putting a hand on his butt. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” Celestia shook her head and enveloped John in her magic. “Your friend is one of those persistent types I presume?” “Almost as stubborn as me...” James said with a chuckle. “That damn… magic tickles! Let go of me, damn it—” “Sure man, in thirty days—” “Hell, that really tickles! Tell her to stop!” John clenched his fist, as he felt a sensation of rope binding his loose arm. “Hey! Don’t you fucking dare tie me up again!” “I will stop if you promise you will not try to break free.” “God damn it! Now it itches! Tell her to stop the damn magic!” John shouted, resuming his struggle. “Stop it, not like he has any way to run to, especial half naked.” “Oh yeah?! Watch me!” “Jeez, man, I was just joking!” He turned to Celestia. “See what you did?” Glancing at the struggling figure of the human Celestia let out a sigh. Here we go again... She turned around towards James and Twilight, biting her lip. “We should… probably wait until he calms down.” “You don’t say…” James shook his head when audible snap filled the air. “Hey, don’t take off the blindfold yet, you moron… Are you listening?!” He said, only to get another f-bomb in reply. “Up yours too, buddy! … we need to wait, his rage usually lasts only for a few minutes at most.” “Do you think he will accept the offer when he calms down?” John grunted, finally freeing himself from both his restraints and blindfold on his head. “I WILL NOT!” “Quiet, adults are talking!” James chuckled. “Yeah, he might, and if not…” He turned to Twilight. “When is Starlight getting back, again?” “Ugh… damn it! My eyes… it’s too bright in here!” John said, stumbling as his eyes started to slowly readjust to the light. Suddenly a loud gasp coming from Celestia filled the air, followed by complete silence. “What the hell is so fluffy and—” John’s eyes readjusted revealing what the silence was all about. James and the alicorns were still there and with their mouths agape and eyes wide opened, they stared in his direction, not even blinking. He, however, had time to blink once, before he realized they were not looking at him, but rather at his hands... Placed firmly on the certain royal rump. He managed to blink one more time, before letting go off Celestia’s fluffy butt and taking a step back. “I… s-swear this wasn’t intentional!” He said, placing his arms in a guard position. Celestia closed her eyes for a moment, letting a loud, but slow breath fill the air… With a hollow regal expression back on her face, she turned around and glanced at John, piercing his shaky figure, her gaze gnawing him to the bone. He closed his eyes and winced. “Fluffy… not fat?” John opened one of his eyes… no, it wasn’t a dream – Twilight and James were still there, all right… so was Celestia, but the hollow expression that filled her face just a second ago was gone – replaced by her usual a gentle smile. “P-pardon?” John stuttered. “My sister says I eat too much cake… so, did it feel fat to you?” John bit his lip and shook his head. “How can you be so calm about this?” Celestia smiled. “Because I believe it was an…” For every step forward she made, John took a step back. “Do you honestly believe I am going to hurt you?” John gulped. “I’m not the only one…” Celestia turned around to see that Twilight and James were both covering behind a medical table. Twilight surrounded by a shield, and James’s suit in full armored mode. “Really? Both of you?” “He, he… Um, it has been just a little… unexpected, I guess…?” Twilight said, putting on a sheepish smile, and lowering the shield. “You are really not going to kill him?” James said. “Of course not!” “I’ll be damned! Do you have any idea what you’ve done!” James shouted demolishing John’s plan to be as inconspicuous as possible. “That… that’s… impossible!” He shook his head viciously. “I got that task at the very bottom of ‘things to do before I die’ list.” “You… WHAT?!” Celestia shouted. “Please…” He dismissed her with a wave of his arm, “half of the stallions in Equestria literally dream about doing that, just ask Luna.” “This… this is… an outrage!” James smiled. “If it’s any consolation, I think so too, but then again, you did that to yourself you know…” “W-what?!” “Well, according to Luna, the number of your… shall we say fans, dropped significantly after you coronated Cadance and Twilight.” “ENOUGH!” Celestia shouted. “We both know I meant your… perverted fantasies!” Suddenly the expression on James’s face turned into a very serious one, as he crossed his arms and risen an eyebrow. “A: that is a long-term plan, not a fantasy, B: like I said, half of Equestria want to do that… and much, MUCH more, and C:” James put on a grin, “… remind me who said ‘There is no wrong way to fantasize’…?” “I said it to Twilight in a… very specific context. How do you even know about that?” James made a motion towards the blushing princess of friendship. “He, he… I um… might have mentioned it to him…” Celestia’s eyebrow arched, her left eye piercing Twilight’s shrinking figure. “H-how was I supposed to know he will take it… like that…?” Celestia rolled her eyes, and sighed deeply, turning to James. “You… dear sir, are a pervert…” “Babe, you are talking to a guy who spent last three hundred years alone, on a dead planet, with only a bottle, porn and his right hand for the company—” “Jesus Christ, boss! We don’t need the details!” “My point is – she can’t really blame me for being a little perverted…” “I can, and I will!” “Hrmph, Toxic femininity!” “Call me babe one more time, and I will show you how toxic I can get!” “Then blast me to the moon again, or throw me into that dungeon I built here and see if I care… honey!” “Oh, I am sure you would like that! You little… masochist!” Twilight opened her mouth, trying to say something, anything – to break this fracas, but at the moment her mind was utterly blank. After scanning the arguing duo from left to right for a hundred time, she took a step back, to where the bewildered John was sitting. “Hey, miss,” John said to Twilight, “shouldn’t we try to… stop this somehow?” “I think… we better let them argue for a while longer. It should be over soon.” “This happens often?” “Um, when James and Celestia are talking… it happens a lot. But it usually doesn’t last longer than a few minutes.” “Wow… I see boss is aiming high over here.” “How about I turn you to stone instead?!” Celestia said. “I heard they could use a new statue in Canterlot garden!” “In that case, I need to get into a proper posture first!” James said, slowly arching his right arm into an Italian salute, his middle finger sticking out of his closed hand. “OK, now I’m ready!” The three-second delay was enough for Celestia to regain some of her composure. Shaking her head, and rolling her eyes, she turned to John. “He is doing that gesture a lot, especially when around nobility – what does it mean?” John bit his lip. “Um, it’s…” Think of something man… “an ancient human… farewell… yeah, a farewell!” Glancing at John, Twilight bit her hoof, knowing all too well what kind of farewell that was. “I see… interesting,” Celestia said, regaining her cool. “And you are smiling… Enjoying our little quarrel?” “… maybe?” “Relax, John. I am just glad you got some humor back. So, how about the offer James made earlier?” John shook his head in confusion. “Look, it took you two minutes to brighten up and believe me, there are better things in Equestria than James and I… arguing. Are thirty days really so much to ask?” “I…” John bit his lip again, and let out a deep sigh. “I give up… Thirty days it is, although I still don’t think this is going to work. So… now what?” “I think it will be best if I leave you in captain’s capable hoofs—” “Hands, Celestia! Hands…” James interjected in an annoyed voice. “But I would still like to know how is he alive after… grabbing the sun? I remember you using me as a hack saw for much less!” Celestia rolled her eyes and turned around. “Your friend is in a state of depression, and I do believe he did that… accidentally. Does that answer your question?” “Hmm, you know, looking at John I’m starting to think that royal cutie marks must have some magical anti-depressive properties… And I’ve been feeling kind of down lately myself…” His face turned to a little sad frown. “Would it be possible for me to… you know?” “No, it would not,” she said with a smile. “You blasted me to the moon for no reason, locked me up for innocence, don’t want to have a drink with me, and now, this…” He shook his head. “That’s not fair…” “Life is rarely fair… But perhaps my nephew could be of assistance?” James cocked his head. “What?” “Prince Blueblood runs a ‘Make a Wish’ foundation. I am sure I could ask him for a little favor… I mean, if you are correct, then probably any royal cutie mark should work.” “Um… You know, now that I think about it… I’m starting to feel much better!” “Oh dear, are you sure?” Her smile widened. “I really could ask him—” “NO! … I mean, um… I wouldn’t want to take him away from his royal… duties.” “As you wish. Please help John get acclimatized.” “First, we need to replace all the blood he lost, I could use your help with that Twi,” Twilight nodded. “Very well. Twilight, please find me after you are done – we have some business to discuss,” Celestia said leaving the room. As soon as the door closed, James turned to his friend with a grin. “OK, she’s gone – tell me, how did it feel!” John bit his lip, glancing at frowning Twilight. “I… don’t think that discussing it would be appropriate, boss.” “I’m sure Twilight would like to hear all about it too!” “What? I’m not into this stuff!” “You are both such party poopers… Although, ‘ancient human farewell’?” James chuckled. “I almost pissed my armor! Even Twilight barely contained herself.” “Hey, I didn’t lie… too much…”