"What!?"
Spike winced as Pinkie Pie's stentorian expression of disbelief struck his eardrums. "I know, right? How naïve can you get!"
The party pony sank weakly into the chair opposite his. Spike was sat, tuck away in a secluded booth, in Sugarcube Corner, having fled there as soon as possible following his recent, and intensely awkward, conversation with Twilight. Originally intending to keep the entire episode to himself, it hadn't taken long before Pinkie had wheedled the story out of him.
And how gratifying her reaction was! "B-but," she stammered, "But Twilight knows everything!"
Spike nodded. "I know - weird, isn't it? I reckon Celestia was too embarrassed to teach her. Just think, there could be hundreds of gifted unicorns out there, none of them with any idea what's going on. . . down there."
"And you had to teach her everything?" Pinkie Pie was still having difficulty grasping the level of ineptitude shown by the absent alicorn.
"Yup! Even had to teach her all the proper names, and all that sort of thing. She was still calling them 'filly parts', can you believe! In a non-ironic way," he amended hastily, as Pinkie seemed about to object.
The pink pony raised an eyebrow. "Wow. That's. . . wow. Oh, I know!" she exclaimed suddenly, pronking seven feet into the air, apparently having been struck by a plan so incredibly awesome that it couldn't possibly be explained whilst seated, "I'll throw Twilight a 'Congratulations on having finally completed sex-ed' party!"
For the umpteenth time that day, Spike facepalmed. "That's a lovely thought, Pinkie, really it is," he reassured her, not wanting to put too much of a damper on her infectious enthusiasm, "But I'm quite sure Twilight's going to realise pretty soon just how weird it is to have to be taught that sort of thing by a much younger dragon - especially one whom she sees as her adopted brother."
"Hmm." Pinkie Pie considered this point carefully, turning it over thoroughly in her mind so as to think about it from every angle. "Well, I see what you mean. I suppose. . ."
Hearing how disappointed the pony sounded, Spike suggested tactfully, "Of course, you could still throw her a party, if you wanted. Just don't make that the theme, 'kay?"
Immediately, Pinkie was all smiles again. "Okie-dokie-lokie! I'm off to do some planning, bye Spike!"
"Bye, then. . ." The dragon trailed off, realising he was bidding farewell to nopony but himself, Pinkie having fled the scene within milliseconds of finishing her sentence - and creating such an updraft in so doing that Spike had to catch a potted plant from falling off the windowsill.
He smiled, and began to eat a large raspberry sundae with extra gems, his refreshment of choice.
The following day, Pinkie Pie was galumphing joyously through. . . well, she wasn't quite sure where, but she knew that if she galumphed backwards for an hour or so she'd end up back in Ponyville, so all was well. Anyway - she was out and about somewhere near the town, enjoying the sights, sounds and smells of nature in the springtime all around her, laughing at a private joke every now and again, and generally having a whale of time, when who should appear above her but Rainbow Dash.
"Yo, Pinkie Pie!" called the cyan mare, catapulting herself down from on high, catching her rapid descent through the cloudless sky just in time to land with the merest 'thump' next to Pinkie Pie. "Hey, Pinks!"
"Oh hi, Rainbow! What're you doing?"
"I'm just out enjoying the sun while it lasts - you know the weather patrol have got a storm planned for next week?" she asked.
Pinkie Pie, who had, in fact, not been aware of this, shook her head, her perpetually frizzy fuchsia mane waving wildly to and fro. "Nope! Thanks for the warning, Rainbow!"
Smiling at her friend's bouncy demeanour, the pegasus asked, "So, what're you up to then, Pinks?"
Pinkie Pie breathed in deeply through her muzzle, sighing happily before replying. "I'm just out enjoyed the day - so many things to see, so much nature to enjoy-"
Her explanation was halted abruptly as the actions of a pair of deer, over in a distant meadow but still within eyeshot for both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow, both of whom had excellent vision, caught her eye. She turned away, glancing at Rainbow, who chuckled awkwardly in reply. They turned as one and began walking rapidly in the opposite direction.
But this moment had reminded Pinkie Pie of something Spike had told her yesterday. . . now, what was it? "Oh yes, I remember!" she burst out.
"Remember what?" Rainbow enquired, as they trotted companionably along a winding gravel track which led, eventually, up onto the moors surrounding Ponyville.
"I've remembered something really funny Spike was telling me yesterday!" Pinkie giggled again, but said nothing else.
Rainbow waited almost a whole minute before it became absolutely clear that Pinkie was not, in fact, going to be explaining what she was on about. "Come on Pinkie! You can't just leave me hanging!"
"Oh, sorry, Rainbow!" the party pony apologised, still laughing internally. "You see, Spike was going for a walk with Twilight yesterday, just like how we are now, and they saw a couple of - I think they were squirrels. Squirrels or badgers. . . Well anyway, they saw a couple of animals 'getting it on', and Spike was like, 'I think we should go', but Twilight didn't understand what was going on, so Spike had to explain it all to her!"
Rainbow raised a confused eyebrow. "What? Spike had to explain. . . but surely -"
"I know! Isn't that funny!"
"So Twilight had no idea how sex works?"
"Nope, none at all! Silly Twilight!"
There was a short pause, in which Pinkie Pie started laughing to herself again, and Rainbow frowned, still trying to piece together exactly what had happened. Then:-
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Twilight didn't - and Spike had to - bwa-ha-ha!"
Pinkie Pie joined in with Rainbow's laughter with gusto, and together the two of them chuckled their way over the hills, coming back in the evening thoroughly worn out after their long walk, and having gone over the matter so many times that it was becoming hard to separate what they had made up from what had actually happened.
"So then Twilight was like, 'I wanna stay and watch,' and Spike was like, 'No Twilight, that's rude,' and then he had to tell her why it was rude to watch, and-"
Applejack cut her off. "You mean to tell me," she began disbelievingly, "That Twilight - Princess Twilight, eternal Princess of Friendship - wanted to watch two animals having - getting frisky?"
"That's about the size of it!" Rainbow chuckled.
It was the following afternoon, and the pegasus had gone round to the Apple farm to help Ponyville's resident orchardiers with the pruning of their trees prior to the big storm which was scheduled for next week. And, naturally, with such a juicy titbit to divulge, Rainbow had steered the conversation towards the subject that she and Pinkie Pie had been discussing the day before.
"But that's - that's just im-po-lite," stressed Applejack, frowning disapprovingly. "That's not like Twilight."
"Nope!" The fact that it might be somewhat out of character for Twilight to deliberately watch other animals during their copulative activities didn't seem to bother, or even have occurred to, Rainbow Dash, who was merely enjoying the thought of how intensely awkward Spike must've felt whilst explaining everything.
"So then what happened?" the farm pony asked.
"Well - I don't quite remember. I think Spike had to show Twilight how it all works, y'know - sex. . ."
The two mares shared a somewhat strained glance. "Show her?" Applejack repeated.
"Yeah. . . that doesn't sound right." Even the usually so self-assured pegaus was sounding somewhat uncertain now, and she admitted, "Well, maybe not. Perhaps he just showed her in a book, or something. You know how she loves books!"
Applejack grinned - this odd aberration of Twilight aside, the whole story was rather amusing. A book - that was probably it. Either way, she was looking forward to passing on this interesting bit of gossip when she next saw her entirely platonic friend Rarity.
"Oh, darling, that was amazing!" Rarity murmured, nuzzling Applejack's cheek lovingly in an entirely platonic way. "Hmm. . ."
The two mares were lying curled up together on top of the enormous haystack in the Apple family's barn, enjoying the warmth, the peaceful humming of lazily buzzing bees in the blossom on the trees, and each other's company. They hadn't yet told any of their friends about their relationship - though Big Mac had found out for himself one awkward afternoon, when he had returned early from a trip to purchase farm supplies and come back to find them canoodling on the living-room sofa - and for now were content to make the most of the few private moments alone they were able to squeeze in amongst their busy schedules.
"You know," Applejack murmured, twirling her hoof through Rarity's long, flowing mane, "Rainbow told me something interesting yesterday. . ."
Rarity snuggled closer to her marefriend, burying her muzzle into Applejack's chest fur. "Hmm?" she hmmed encouragingly.
"Yeah. . . Apparently Twilight didn't know anything about - about this sort of thing," she chuckled self-consciously, "So Spike had to find some animals who were. . . 'busy', and show Twilight how it works."
Rarity's laugh was muffled by Applejack's fur; she lifted her head up to glance directly into her eyes. "Really? That seems awfully uncooth."
"Ah know! Still, ah s'ppose it's better than Twilight finding out the hard way. Ah hate to think how awkward Spike must've felt though. . ."
Rarity considered this for moment, before agreeing wholeheartedly. "Oh, yes! She's like a sister to him - imagine having to explain to your sister how snuggle-time works. . ."
Smiling at this use of their special pet name for the act of copulation, Applejack blushed. "Y'know, Ah had to work it out all by myself. Granny Smith and Big Mac sure weren't going to explain it to me!"
"Well," Rarity batted her eyelids seductively, "I for one think you've done very well at picking it up."
"You're not so bad yourself. . ." Applejack whispered, before leaning forward as their lips met in a kiss.
And seeing as we, dear reader, don't want to be accused of what can now be termed 'Twilightism', I think we'll leave the following half an hour or so in the barn to your imagination.
Rarity groaned pleasurably as, with deft yet powerful movements, Aloe massaged the fashionista's shoulders, working out all of the withheld tension she hadn't even realised she was carrying.
To her left, and with face and eyes similarly covered with a mixture of green glop and slices of cucumber, Fluttershy was enjoying the same treatment - for today was Saturday, the special day both of them always kept set aside for their weekly spa-dates, a tradition which went back some years now, and which the two of them thoroughly enjoyed.
For Fluttershy, who spent her entire life looking after animals, it was a chance to be pampered, to be looked after for a change, rather than always being the one doing the caring; she enjoyed the honesty and forthrightness of her friend Rarity, and valued their times together at the spa as some of her most treasured memories. Rarity herself, for her part, had always had a soft spot for the timid pegasus, and as well as enjoying her company on days like this, felt it her duty to make the oft overlooked pegasus feel valued and appreciated.
Plus, of course, it provided her with the opportunity to pass on a whole lot of juicy gossip, and Fluttershy was such an excellent listener that it was most gratifying being the one to tell her new pieces of information.
Which is what Rarity was doing now. "So then Spike had to take Twilight and show her what sex is like!"
"Oh my!" Fluttershy, always a rather diffident pony, was almost as shocked at Rarity's unbridled use of the word 'sex', especially in front of the spa ponies, Aloe and Lotus, as she was at the subject of discussion.
Rarity nodded emphatically. "I know, darling, I know! What Spike thought of it all I don't know. . . fancy that though, having to be shown how it all works by your little brother!"
Fluttershy blanched, as an uncomfortable thought struck her. "But - but Spike didn't - surely he didn't actually. . ."
"Hmm?" Rarity inquired, "What's that, darling?"
Fluttershy gasped involuntarily, for two reasons - firstly, because Lotus had at that exact moment started pummelling her back with such force that it frankly bordered on the painful (by Fluttershy's standards, anyway), and secondly because the image had just flashed into her mind of Spike and Twilight having s-
"Agh!" the pegasus cried abruptly, leaping up with such gusto that she almost sent Lotus flying into the spa pool. "I have to go!"
So saying, she fled the scene, pausing barely long enough to wipe the green gunge from her face.
"Well!" exclaimed Rarity, peeling back a piece of cucumber to watch the flight of the pegasus through one eye, "That was most unexpected!"
"Whoa there, Flutters, whoa!" murmured Starlight, grasping the shaking Fluttershy by both shoulders, "Calm down! It's alright, I've got you. You're safe. Shh. . ."
As the spooked pegasus looked into Starlight's eyes, her breathing slowly returned to normal, and eventually she was able to take a deep, long breath, letting it out again carefully. After she seemed to have calmed down somewhat, Starlight inquired, "Can you tell me what's wrong?"
Starlight had been minding her own business reading one of Spike's comics he'd left in the library, when all of sudden her peace had been shattered by the very breathless arrival of a pony usually so quiet even a mouse would have difficulty knowing if she was there or not. Not so on this occasion, as something terrible indeed seemed to be on Fluttershy's mind.
The yellow pegasus nodded uncertainly, and allowed herself to be pushed gently back into an armchair; Starlight sat herself down in one opposite. After a moment, Fluttershy nodded. "Okay - I think I'm alright," she whispered.
Starlight smiled encouragingly. "Right then - can you tell me what's going on?"
Fluttershy gulped. "Rarity says that Spike and Twilight are - that they're - they - she says that they're in a relationship! A sexual relationship!"
Rather than being astounded, outraged, or even just concerned, Starlight merely raised an eyebrow in mild confusion. "Spike and Twilight are in a sexual relationship," she repeated, as though checking she'd heard correctly.
"Well - that's what Rarity said. I think," Fluttershy murmured, suddenly feeling less certain of the facts.
Starlight sighed. It sounded to her like some prank somepony had played on her rather gullible pegasus friend, perhaps not realising it would be taken seriously. There was only one thing to do. "Come on, Fluttershy," she announced, getting up. "We're going have a chat with our resident dragon. . ."
Despite her misgivings, Fluttershy acquiesced, standing up reluctantly and following Starlight out from the library.
Fortunately, it being Saturday, Starlight knew that Spike would be in, probably in his room, and almost certainly reading comics of various sorts. (Since gaining his wings Spike had become noticeably more interested in the perusing of publications which contained pictures of female dragons; he was, of course, entirely unaware that Starlight had found and quickly flicked through the latest of these. . . 'comics', left in the library, out of curiosity, before putting it down again hurriedly.)
After some minutes - the castle always seemed to take an absolute age to walk through, especially whenever one was in a hurry - they arrived outside Spike's room, and Starlight, winking at the now trembling again Fluttershy in a 'well, let's get this over with' sort of way, knocked on the door.
"Come in!" came the instant reply, and the two ponies pushed the door open - Fluttershy lagging noticeably behind - and went inside.
"Hey Starlight," Spike greeted her, putting down the book he had been reading, and adding, "And Fluttershy! Welcome to my humble abode!"
He had been about to say something more, but seeing the worried expression on the pegasus' face, he instead turned to look questioningly at Starlight, who informed him, "There's something very important we need to ask you, Spike."
Beginning to feel rather anxious himself now, he nodded, saying, "Okay. . . what's up?"
Starlight walked softly over to the window, and looked out. "It's like this," she began. "I'll get right to the point. Have you and Twilight been - y'know - getting it on?"
"What!?" Spike stood up, wings open wide in amazement. "What did you say?"
"Well," continued Starlight, feeling all the more certain now that Fluttershy's concerns were nothing more than spurious rumour, "Fluttershy tells me that Rarity told her that you and Twilight are - intimate."
She blushed, realising the stupidity of this statement, as Spike facepalmed yet again. Dear, sweet Celestia, he thought. What have I started? "No, of course not!" he added, aloud. "What in Equestria has made Rarity think that?"
Fluttershy, who had been hovering in the doorway as though in readiness to flee, spoke up for the first time. "Well. . . I don't remember. She just seemed so sure, and it was so all surprising, that I flew all the way over here as quickly as I could. . ."
She trailed off, and Spike groaned, turning to flump face-first onto his pillow.
I am never, EVER telling Pinkie Pie anything personal again!