Chapter Thirty-Four: Stiff As A Board
✧❖☬❖✧
“Wakey, wakey, pet. It’s time for you to entertain me~” The Queen of Hell sang from above my prone form.
I groaned and sat up, looking up at the giantess after wiping some blood from my eyes. “Ugh… Why did you throw me?”
“It seemed like fun and it kind of was.”
“Ah.”
“Ah indeed. Now, Alistair, what are you going to do to make time pass?”
I looked up at the giant woman and squinted. “... Wanna watch me make tea?”
“Oh, I would love a cuppa! Good idea!”
“Glad to hear that you approve. Pick a flavour and I’ll make it for you.”
Queen Satan shrank down to my size and joined me on the arm of her throne. “Why, Mr. Alistair! If I chose the tea, then I would miss out on having such a cute Halfie choose for me~ You wouldn’t want me to miss out, would you?”
“That depends on what you’re missing out on. I don’t think it’s that much, but I will choose if you’d like.”
“Of course you will! Did you think you had a choice?” Her smile was stiffening to say the least, but the cruelty behind it tempered the sight by a good margin.
“Of course I have a choice. Either play your game and suffer humiliation in varying degrees or disobey you and not enjoy the consequences. There’s always a choice.”
“Wise, aren’t we?”
“Well, I’m old as shit and ready to die for good, so…”
She gave me a smaller, more genuine smile. “You know that you have a good long time before you’re allowed to move on, right?”
I took her pity for what it was and tried not to be mad that she was giving it to me. “However long you decide to keep me alive doesn’t matter. I’ve lived through plenty of things, and serving a beautiful Queen her tea is one of the more pleasant experiences I’d be willing to go through.”
“Aww, how sweet! Next you’ll tell me that I’m an absolute Sexual Empress and that your love for me runs deep, no?”
I gave her the oddest look I could fathom making because she’d said something weird. “I neither love you nor believe that you leave enough people alive after you have sex with them to build an empire of any kind with the survivors.”
She blinked. “... Oh.”
I nodded. “Where can we go to make tea?”
“We’ll address that in a few moments. Did you just say that you didn't want to lay me?”
My head tilted to the side and tried to pool whatever amount of Female Logic I had in my brain together so I could try to understand why she cared. “I would if you asked. I just have a wife.”
“Is she dead or alive?”
“She lives.”
“Then she’s not here, is she?”
“No, but-”
“What happens in Hell stays in Hell~”
“What happens to my cock is transmitted directly to my wife.”
“Ah, so your wife…” Satan trailed off.
“What about her?”
“What’s her name?”
I stared at her. “Does she have to have a name?”
“Most people do, Alistair.”
“Why?”
She gave me a triumphant look. “You don’t even remember your wife’s name, so she’s obviously not that important to you. She’s probably forgotten all about you while she’s been in Heaven-”
“So she’s waiting for me in Heaven. Thanks, Satan.”
The Queen’s expression turned dark and she glared at me. “Now you’re testing my patience.”
“I’m not really sorry, but I will apologize.”
Her eyes went from a pale, pure white to an inky black in the span of three seconds; long enough for her to take a deep breath and slap me from five feet away. “Mouthy slaves don’t stay untortured long.”
I rubbed my cheek and blinked at her. “I thought I was a pet? Mouthy pets are amusing.”
“... Hmm… That is true. I suppose I can just beat you from time to time to see if I can cull that tongue of yours.”
“My tongue is perfectly culled, thank you very much. It’s just that I have a habit of annoying beautiful women until they love me.”
“Mhmm. I suggest you start finding me less attractive if you’re not going to put out.”
“What happens if I follow the plan of celibacy?”
“I make you a eunuch for the rest of your time in Hell.”
“That seems a little unfair.”
“I’m Satan.”
“You have the option of being nicer than that.”
“I’m Satan.”
“You punish sinners. My sins have already been accounted for by now, which is why I’m ready to die.”
“I’ll punish whomsoever I please, thank you very much.” Queen Satan huffed.
“Can you punish me by not having sex with me? Fucking the Devil herself is more of an accolade than being punished by her.”
She gave me a flat look. “Take your pants off.”
I looked at my trousers. “I don’t even know if I’m wearing pants.”
“Trousers, you fool.”
I shed my trousers without another word and swung my hips from side to side, smacking myself on either leg with my tip. “Does this work?”
She made a face of approval. “Bigger than average, but not too thick. I always have been more of a length kind of woman.”
“Glad to know that my sausage suits your fancy.”
“Good. Now stroke it until I tell you to stop.”
I looked at my cock. Then I held my claws up and looked at those. Looking back to my cock, I said, “Can I ask for a raincheck?”
“No.”
With a shrug, I used my middle and index claws to touch myself as carefully as I could with thje Queen of Hell watching on in mild interest. “... So…”
“How does it feel?”
“Like an eagle is intimidating me in the most effective way possible.”
“Good. Put your pants back on and follow me.” She turned around and waited for me to replace my trousers, so I did that and walked up behind her, stopping just out of reach. Satan looked behind her and frowned, backing up until her bottom bumped my package. “Better.”
I stepped back, which made her step back. “... Do you want me to dry hump you or something?”
“When you put it like that it sounds so ugly.” She scoffed.
I rested myself against her and gave her what she wanted, growing stiff against my better judgement. “Is this all?”
Satan turned around and grabbed my wrist, giving me a wink. “For now. You know, you’re really not as smart as you think you are.”
“I know, but how smart do I really think I am is the question. I could be only a little less smart than I think I am, and that could still be plenty of intelligence to go ‘round.”
She leaned in with a smile dancing across her lips, a secret to be shared in but a moment. “I know you’ve lied to me about something.”
My heart froze into a block of ice in my throat. “And that would be…?”
Satan laced her arms around my neck for a second before she stroked my cheek. She circumnavigated me a few times, pinching and poking at places that were both private and public at her leisure. I wasn’t sure of what she could possibly think I was lying about, but then she stopped in front of me with another little grin. I looked at her as calmly as I could, which is to say that I was like an ice cube with the middle unfrozen. The surface of my facade was solid and unshakable, but on the inside I was feeling cold and uncertain, quite sure that my luck had finally run out after spending so long in Hell while not being tortured. Queen Satan knew how to make a mortal sweat, and even beyond that she knew how to make those who tortured for a living fear her. Second in power only to Kauku as far as I knew, it seemed unwise to make a move while she was figuring out a way to make me break without saying a word.
After a few minutes (Or hours) of agonizing silence, Satan finally said, “I think I know who you really are, my little Halfie~ Maybe if you play nice, I won’t tell on you. All you have to do is swear fealty to me and all will be right in the world~”
I stared at her. “I’d rather find out who I really am, thank you.”
“Dammit! I thought I had you there, Garrison.”
I tilted my head to the side. “Like a muster?”
“What?”
“The garrison and the muster.”
“I have- Oh, no you fool. Nevermind.” She sighed, shaking her head. “How old are you, anyway?”
“A little over a thousand years, I believe.”
“Oh, then there’s no way in this place that you could be Garrison. He’s mortal, and he’d probably look to be about seven times your age given how long ago he died.”
“Ah. So what’s with the whole ‘Chosen’ thing?”
“It’s just the line of succession. I’m sure you’ll care less when you meet Kauku. If she ever stops her damn war, that is.”
“Warmongers aren’t exactly my favourite people.”
“What exactly did you do down here?”
“I dunno, torture people? Pee in the lake of fire?”
“Aww fu- Don’t tell me you actually did that!” She groaned.
“Torture people?”
“No! I mean piddle in the lake, you doofus!”
“Wouldn’t you paddle in a lake? For that matter, why aren’t there any boats to sail the lake of fire? I think it would make for a nice vacation, seeing the sights for the less powerful Demons.”
“It’s been discussed, but did you pee in the bloody lake!?”
“If I say yes, am I in trouble?”
“No, it’s just funny.”
“Damn, then I wish I had.”
She cursed and snapped her fingers. “Damn, I was hoping that you had. I get to fuck you if you do.”
“Do you really now?”
“I can’t fuck you any other way unless you give me permission, dummy. Rape is disallowed down here, and it has been since before I was even put in place as Queen of Hell.”
“I kinda forgot. Didn’t someone end up raping Dissida?”
Satan blinked. “... Say again?”
“I heard a rumor of someone with a name similar to the one you said earlier getting raped. I thought you might have done it for some reason.”
She smiled and crept closer to me, as little space as there was between us. “Oh no, now you’re lying~”
“Through my teeth.” I nodded.
There was no time to react as Satan grabbed me by my far-too-long hair and wrenched my head back, her stature allowing her to look down on me since she was a little taller than I, even when I wasn’t leaning backwards. “Gary~”
“Name’s Gauche.” I grunted.
She blinked, her smile falling. “... That’s not a lie… That’s not a lie at all.” Before I knew it, I was unbalanced and her hand had gone from the back of my head to the top. Satans’ knee drove itself into my chest and left me with little in the way of breathing room, though I did learn that I didn't need to breathe from the experience. “... Who are you, Gauche? Who are you really?”
“Just an unlucky or very lucky Halfie with a penchant for pissing women off.” I grunted, feeling a little miserable as the pressure increased.
She held a finger against my cheek and cut me with one of her own claws, though hers were just especially sharp, somewhat long nails that cut through my flesh like a freshly sharpened blade. Once Satan tasted my blood, her eyes became cloudy and she seemed to focus on my face with more intensity for a few more seconds. It seemed as though there were only two people in Hell at the moment; only two people in existence, and it was the King of Dumb-Luck and the Queen of Suffering and Damnation. My dumb, retarded luck seemed to be fizzling out as my captor’s eyes cleared, and my chances of survival seemed fittest before I’d left the pit. There was little that I could do to save myself; the only solace I had left was knowing that my choice had saved at least two lives.
The silence built as Satan dragged her finger down my chest and severed the threads that were holding my dingy, ancient shirt together, her hand resting on my right breast. “... Maud. Maud Pie. You’re married to Maud Pie.”
“... So that’s her name…”
“A follower of Vio…”
“Truth, Lies, and Balance, yes.”
“... Garrison Varas. You nearly eluded your punishment.”
“I thought we established-” She cut my cheek again and collected another smear of blood.
“Hemoglobin doesn’t lie. You’re not even half-Demon.”
“So?”
“You’re only one-quarter Demon, and you were turned. Someone took a microscopic amount of pity on you, and that someone was Kauku.”
“I’m only-”
“Stop playing dumb.” Satan snapped, her white hair flourishing, flashing out into what seemed to be a Denosian afro, but with non-curly hair.
“But I am dumb.”
“You’re also cute and innocent of the sins Kauku’s levying against you. I suggest you learn when to show your face, you poor bastard.”
My heart didn’t give me any indications of how it was feeling, and my gut wasn’t saying anything either. I was just fucked. There was no point in warning me about anything because I was already under Satan’s thumb, and there wasn’t a soul in Hell who cared enough about me to go up against her, which even I didn’t really want to do. I stared up at the Ultimate Warden and she just looked back down to me, more pity in her gaze than I cared to see. We both knew that she wasn’t letting me go any time soon, and we both knew that even if she was allowed to, she wouldn’t sim-ply for the fact that I was a rare specimen. The trophy hunter had herself a significant trophy, but the look on her face told me that she wasn’t proud to have claimed me as another wall-mount for her study. To the contrary, it seemed as though she’d been shooting for a lion and had hit its cub by accident, though I didn’t understand why the Queen of Misery gave a damn about me.
Satan stopped holding my arms above my head, but she still held me in place while she caressed my cheek. “My poor little puppy… I’m… Well, it’s been a very long time since I’ve said this, but I’m sorry for your fate.”
I shrugged. “What can ya do? It is what it is.”
She bit her lip and looked around. “... Kauku is busy,” she murmured to herself.
“I assume she is if she’s waging war.”
“Aye, she’s preoccupied. Too preoccupied to notice that you even died, evidently.”
“... Really now?”
Satan cracked a pointy grin. “How about we make a little deal?”
“A deal with the Devil? One that I’m not dictating? Sounds like a last resort.”
“My palace is like a resort, and it’s likely the last building you’ll ever see.”
“Fair enough. Lay it on me, beautiful.”
“Become my pet. Wear a collar, and I will protect you from Kauku’s gaze. Take the collar off and I’ll torture you myself and act like we never met in the first place.”
“What’s the catch?”
She smiled widely, her teeth practically glowing with malice that had replaced pity by killing it with cleated boots. “Why, there’s just one teensy tiny little thing~”
“... You get to do whatever you want to me anyways, don’t you?”
“You either get tortured or humiliated. It’s up to you.” She lifted a hand and snapped her fingers, a studded green collar appearing in her hands. “This time there’s no third option, cutie pie. Everything’s on the table.”
As little as I liked to admit it, her words were as true as the sky was blue, which is to say that there was no other option. I sighed and propped myself up, allowing her to place the inner studs of the collar against my neck, the metal chilling to the point of being painful as she fastened the buckle. As degrading as that was in and of itself, having the Queen grasp my hair and drag her tongue from my collarbone to the space just beneath my eye made me feel sickeningly aroused. I didn’t like the feeling at all, but even as Satan pushed me away from her, I felt my loins tingle with a shameful energy, one that revelled in being treated as a toy. I knew in my core that the feelings were false; that either the collar or Satan herself was trying to making me more submissive or malleable to whatever she wanted, and that just wasn’t in my wheelhouse.
It didn’t matter...
✮ Hey man, we don’t have to talk about this shit anymore. Vivi isn’t here to force this shit out, Garrison. ✮
Ω That’s right, but if you need to talk… Ω
… Yeah. I need to tell someone about this.
✮ Had plenty of time to tell me that you met Lucy. ✮
… It’s not personal, Jayne. We just… We just weren’t that kind of close at the time, you know?
✮ … Sorry I wasn’t a better friend. ✮
Ω Sorry I chose you. Ω
… It’s… The past is the past. We’ll just skip over it-
Ω Nah. ✮
… Thought I didn’t have to spill if I didn't want to.
Ω I might have scattered memories, but let me preface this by saying that I know that I’m a monster. That much is clear. That being said, the look in your eyes when you said ‘skip’ was the same look I remember seeing when I was a kid. She raped you, didn’t she? Ω
…
✮ It wasn’t just once, was it? ✮
… I don’t know.
Ω … How could you not? Ω
✮ What else did she do, Garrison? ✮
… I don’t want to talk anymore.
Ω Oi! Miss waitress! Can I get six a’ whatever’s strongest? Liquor too, in pint glasses! Ω
The fuck are you- Jayne, where did you-
✮ Just puff on it a few times before the drinks get here, fam-o. ✮
O-kay… ACK! Dear Gods!
Ω Just hit that a couple more times, yeah? Ω
Fuggin’... Okay.
✮ Ay, it’s that shit, man. Go ahead and start sippin’. ✮
Aren’t you two gonna- Nevermind. What were we talking about?
Ω Just some of the shit Queen Satan put you through. Not terribly important. Ω
Not important!? That cunt fucked every hole I have! Literally!
Ω … What? ✮
She fucked my ass, split my cock so she could fuck it, fucked my nostrils, pierced my ear holes, gouged out my eyes so she could skull fuck me, and shoved that disgusting rod of hers down my throat more times than I could count! Not to mention she made me eat literal shit off the fucking floor! Not fuh-cking important!?! That’s not even the fucking half of it! The shit she made me do… Did to me…
Ω … Garrison? That’s not beer. Ω
✮ Hey, save some weed for… Nevermind. Wind Magic means big lungs, I guess. ✮
An’ another fuckin’ thing! The only fuggin’ reason I got out of that Hellhole was because a’ some g-HIC! G-HIC! Giant fuckin’ ugly fucker that dragged me out!
Ω Wait, what? ✮
✮ Okthus saved you? ✮
Ω … That… Thing, did something good? Ω
Yeah! In the middle of another arse raping, Okthus came in and snatched me off of Satans cock, scoldin’ her for using his stuff. He’s the one who took that damned collar off of me, and he’s the reason I got permanently banned from Hell.
Ω Holy shit. Ω
✮ … I should punish him for doing that, but he broke the rule to save you, so… ✮
Yeah, I owe him a solid favour, and I’ll thank you to let me repay it.
Ω He’s not worth it. ✮
Haven't people said that about everyone at this table?
Ω … We aren’t torturous rapists. Ω
I tortured and just barely avoided raping Dissida. I know you’ve just said that you were a monster, so I believe that your crimes could probably equal out to a rape or two in severity. As for you, Jayne, I know you’re a proliferate mind-rapist, so shut the fuck up.
✮ Dayum. ✮
Ω Fucking healing factor, making you sober up too fast. Ω
Anyway, I’ll just pick up where I left off, which was being thrown out of and subsequently banished from Hell while Okthus and ‘Lucy’ fought a battle that I didn’t care about. I was so far gone after so many eons that I didn’t even recognize the fact that I was cold until I realized that I had eyelids again. To explain, they’d previously been cut off to make me watch every excruciating detail of my torture at the hands of Queen Satan, so imagine my surprise when I blinked. I did it fast and frequently as my memories shuffled around in my head as it was being lifted and placed on two things that were touching each other. Both of the things were firm and hard, feeling like scales beneath my head as I tried to comprehend the world of grey around me. After having spent so long in the company of blue, purple, black, and my own blood, I was unused to there being no colour in an area, especially since I was forced to witness many colourful events.
I twitched and spasmed against my will on whatever I’d been placed upon, though the song that warbled into my ears sounded familiar and calmed my frenzied heart. It didn’t sound like Hell, and that was odd to me. I knew the voice, but even as I regained my senses and control over myself, I couldn't remember who it could have possibly been. The being singing stroked my cheeks with red talons that made me wonder if a strange, kindly Demon had taken me into their realm since I wasn’t fully aware of anything at the moment. I did, however, eventually look up and see a red face streaked with pink tears and a repulsive appearance in general.
My first thought, with my unsteady hands, was to clear its tears because I knew that crying meant it was in pain, and I knew what it was like to be in pain. I didn’t want it to cry anymore, but I didn’t know how to tell it that, so I said, “I love you. Don’t…”
The thing let me wipe it’s tears away, holding my hands to its face. “... Do you even know who I am?”
While I’d forgotten how to speak multiple times over my enslavement to the Queen, I knew how to converse in a way. Sadly, Vulpha was the only thing that really stuck in my mind, so I had to answer in that. “[Should I?]”
“... My name is Dissida. My name is
Dissida, and it’s time I sacrificed my pride.” It replied, sliding my head off of its trunk-like legs to stand up. I had a good look at its nether regions and I was more confused than impressed, but at least I knew it was a she.
“[Why are you sacrificing your pride?]”
She looked down at me and sighed. “Because love is hard, Gary Bear. I love you too.”
With that, she disappeared into the air and I was left on the floor of what I remembered to be a forest, except I remembered forests as being green and brown. For all of five seconds, that is. I recognized the place when I sat up, naming it as The Grey and claiming it as a sign that I was well and truly safe, despite the dull aches telling me that themselves. If they’d been sharper, or rather, if I hadn’t been able to close my eyes to focus on them because eyelids, I might not have believed that being okay was a possibility. And I was in familiar territory!
After I’d sat up, I just got up and looked around some more, spotting a rocky patch on the ground that seemed to lead down into a den-like cave of some kind. I scratched my head and bled for my troubles, making me realize that I could move my hands, which were slowly turning into claws. I watched them until the transformation was complete and wondered why my hands had been fine up until that moment. It was certainly a curiosity to be explored, so I rubbed my chin with my index claw for a while until I noticed something else: I was scratching myself with my fingernails.
I looked at my hands again and lo’ and behold, they were normal hands other than the fact that my flesh was ghostly white and the appendages were an oily black, gleaming green when the light caught them. The only problem was that there wasn’t a discernible source of illumination coming from anywhere in the forest, and the cave only seemed as though it grew darker for a short while since I could see glimmers of things beyond the mouth. It was odd to say the least, but I honestly found the hoarse, worn out bark of some old mutt to be more compelling than finding the source of light. Looking at the forest itself showed me that there were hounds all ‘round. Many of them were even further gone than being half rotten, and though the ones that didn’t wear the same level of decay didn't seem to have the notable ambulatory issues, they still had their own problems.
It didn’t really fuckin’ matter since there was an entire pack and they were fucking massive.
That being said, I wasn’t scared of them, and it’s not because of any sense of bravery: that had been stripped from me long ago. I just knew that they couldn’t hurt me enough to phase me like Satan had; couldn’t degrade me any further than I’d already been degraded, couldn’t dig a hole deep enough to bring me any lower than I was. There was a peace born from being beneath rock bottom, battling basalt for elbow room; a certain strength born from knowing that few truly have it. I waved at the Hellhounds as they approached me, but I had a feeling that I was waiting for one in particular to show its face so it could pass judgement. An elder hound from the pack stepped forward, the orange light in its chest flickering between bright and dim with every step. In contrast, every other Hellhound in attendance had a steady glow emanating from their abdomen, so I assumed that the elder was coming for something important. As it came, I knelt, meeting eye to eye with a being I then recognized as one of my most loyal friends.
“[I greet you, friend,]” I said politely.
“[And I you, Emissary.]”
I gave him a gentle, closed-mouth grin that he licked off of my face. That left me a little miffed. “Well, thanks.”
“[You are a warrior. Act like it.]” The authority in his voice was unmistakable, but there was something stopping me from caring.
Thus I slapped him. “You don’t tell me shit, bitch. Only Mistress commands me.”
He went to nip at me, (Or just bite me. He’s a fucking wolf.) so I shoved my fist down his throat before I could close my eyes and accidentally turned my hand into a claw while it was still inside of him, making the scraping I was going to do a little more bloody. He whimpered at the pain and muttered some impolite things about me, but he still said, “[I knew there was a piece of you left. Hold onto that, Garrison.]”
I gave him a look. “[What did I just tell you?]”
The unnamed Hellhound barked out a couple chuckles and wheezed. “[Fair enough. Would you do something if I asked?]”
“[Sure. I’m reasonable.]” At least I thought I was. Kinda.
“[Take my heart and eat it. Give me peace and nourish your soul, Garrison.]”
That was an odd request, but I’d done odder things in the recent past. “[Okay. Do you have a name?]”
“[You once called me Mark, though my name is Sieg.]”
“[Mark, then. Thank you for the meal and the advice, I guess.]”
He laid down and rolled over onto his back. “[Anytime, old pal.]”
Without really comprehending what I was doing… Without… Without really even knowing who I was killing… I put down one of the most loyal creatures I knew and ate his heart. He didn’t cry. I didn't know why I was crying, but I knew that I was hurting because of it. That didn’t stop me from savouring every last drop of Sieg’s lifeforce as it passed my lips, and it didn’t stop me from appreciating what he’d done, even if I didn’t yet know the full story behind it yet. When I swallowed the last piece of his tender, pulsating flesh, an innate desire to howl overtook me, joined by the rest of the pack. The end of an era had been coming in The Grey ever since I’d come there the first time, but even before I lost most of my mind I’d been unsure of what the result would be.
As Mark lay lifeless before me, the pack closed in silently and sat nearby in various positions, all of them holding vigil for the most respected among their community. Tears streamed down my face as flashes of time I’d spent with the fellow I’d just eaten surfaced and the weight of the act settled on my shoulders, even though it had been accepted by the community around me. I’d been a part of something that was supposed to happen, but only then did I learn to regret all over again. The grief I felt was muddled by the fact that Mark hadn’t cried at all, meaning (To my addled mind) that he’d been fine with me consuming his heart. Still, even if Mark had eaten me a thousand times in the past, we’d moved on since then and I’d forgiven him for doing his duty as a watcher of Terra’s own Hell.
I was distraught, frightened of how Dissida would react when she returned to find that her favourite animal was officially in my stomach when I started remembering more about her too. Things that I’d even forgotten about after returning to Equis surfaced in my mind, flooding me with with memories and thoughts I’d had over the thousand years I’d spent in The Grey. Magic welled up in my breast and I finally understood, after hours of confusion and distress, that Mark had given his life to both pass the torch to me and return my memories to a degree. My supposition was that he’d used his faltering Magic to link to the previous Hellbeast hearts I’d eaten, returning my mind to that point in time.
In other words, my main mutt did me a huge favour and committed dying to death so he could jog my memory.
Guilt wracked my heart for the rest of the remaining time it took for Dissida to return, her head hung low, her shoulders hunched, and her aura gloomy at best. When our eyes met, she looked away for what I assumed to be the same reason that I did: Shame. I had a feeling that her sacrifice had been in vein, and I knew that I was officially lower than before, having betrayed one of my closest friends for something that may have come back in time. However, apathy soon came over me as I looked back on my tenure with the Queen because I knew that I’d felt worse. After brushing off the loss of a good friend by thanking him one last time for his gift, I approached Dissida, coming within arm’s reach to speak to her.
“So? What did you leave for?”
“... I tried talking to Kauku,” Dissida confessed.
“And that is?”
“... A woman who wants you back in Hell right now.”
I scoffed. “Bring her here and tell her to fuck off.”
Dissida winced and turned away from me further, cowering from me. I checked my six because I felt like it and did a double take when I saw a purple woman glaring at me like I’d stolen her fucking sweet roll or something. I didn’t like the way her aura felt since it made me want to sock her, so I spit in her face and said, “Fuck. Off.”
The anger in her eyes melted away and was replaced by shock as she snapped her fingers, my loogie flying back at me too slow to actually make contact. “I beg your- Wait, I beg your pardon?”
“I don’t know who the fuck you are, but I’m not going back to Hell. I didn’t deserve to be there in the first place, so why don’t you just fuck right off and go get tortured by Satan yourself, no? Truly, and I do mean this from the bottom of my heart; KILL YOURSELF. YOU WASTE. OF FLESH. Telling people to go to Hell. Tch. Have you ever been raped? I hope you get raped. You should get raped. I’ll rape you right here, right now.”
And so I damn near did.
I’d just torn the front of Kauku’s dress and exposed her breasts when she teleported away, covering herself before she outright fixed the mess. “... What the fuck.”
My inner hunter took over and I sprinted after her. Apparently she didn't like the idea of someone getting their meatstick in her tripe-trap, so Kauku started running. I’d glimpsed the whites of her eyes just before the true panic struck her and she took off, which pissed me off enough to make me ignore the fact that I was running on air to gain on her. When I finally caught up, I slammed Kauku into a tree and-
Ω Hold the fuck up! Ω
✮ Dude, what the fuck!? ✮
Let me tell my damn story!
Ω Since when are you a rapist!? Ω
When’s the last time you went to Hell?
Ω Not that long ago! Ω
How much of it do you remember?
Ω ... Ω
✮ … Fuck it. That cunt sent you to Hell for her own sins. She deserved it. ✮
If you’d have let me just continue the story, then you’d know I only made it as far as ripping her panties off before she remembered that she was God and I was just a mortal fuck with less Magic than might, and even my might was lacking. When she whirled around and grabbed me by the throat, I crammed three fingers into her quim and bore my teeth at her. My fingers were promptly melted out of her and the daylights were sufficiently slapped out of me before everything came back to me, and I do mean everything. For the first time in my entire life, I remembered seeing my parent’s faces, and in all honesty, Aria looks just like our Mum did. I wasn’t old enough to really remember watching her die by the hand of some Thesuvian Prowlers, but Kauku made sure my face ached with the resounding feeling of losing everything I’d ever had.
“... Oh,” I said softly, my head bobbing around as I looked about, dazed and a little bleary for a few moments. “Hi, Kauku.”
The woman I was looking at wasn’t Kauku.
“... Hi, Kaid…” The strange woman said, letting me go.
“So… You’re not the one who sent me to Hell.”
“I… I’m sorry. I’m not her, but I can protect you from her if you just do one last thing for me. I’ll even forgive you for… For that.” She oathed.
“Hmm… What do you want?”
“The Nectar of the Hallowed Orchids. Just enough for a mouthful. It won’t even be that hard to get, I promise.” She gave me a minute smile.
“And Kauku?”
“... I’ll make sure she gets what she deserves. It won’t be swift, but it will be worth the wait, Kaid. I promise you that.” The smaller woman backed away and straightened her magically mended as she faded out of the realm.
I was left with a Why Boner that seemed to want to stick around for longer than it was intended to, which is what I assumed was making my heart pound like a bass drum. When the willy started getting wiggly rather than stiff, I noticed that it was getting really hard to breathe, which was incredibly queer since I didn’t know I was breathing since I’d not had to do it in a great many years. My vision slowly faded into darkness, causing me to panic slightly, though there were worse experiences to be had. I knew because I’d had them in what felt like less than twenty-four hours time.
As I sank to my knees, my eyes felt leaden, closing against my will, my strength leaving me rapidly. It felt as though I was being poisoned. Little did I know it was because I was.
₪ღ✮ღ₪
Daaamn that was a fuckin’ cliffhanger! Fuck you, Garrison.
Ω Don’t you already know what happens next? Ω
No! That’s what sucks!
☬ Your story is interesting too, Gingy. ☬
Fuck you. Anyway, as I was revelling in my loneliness, I passed out while dreading the probability of having to wear… Panties, again in the morning, which would likely persist all day. If I’d had to put them on in the first place, then I doubted the fuck out of whether or not I’d have to wear them all day. It’s not even that girl shit is uncomfortable; I just don’t like it. Flat out. That’s probably why I woke up in a shitty mood, or it might have been because I was making one of the people I love most in the world so miserable that I had to literally warp her mind to make her okay with my everyday moves, let alone the actual evil shit I occasionally did. That could have been a factor.
I sat up in bed and Hermione looked at me from her pillow. “Sleep well?”
“No. Thanks,” I growled.
“Excuse you?”
“... Sorry, Mommy,” I uttered.
“I think you could use a reminder of who’s in charge here.” Hermione deadpanned.
I levelled a cool look at her. “I’m taking this shit off, and you’d better be either out of this room or on your knees before the panties hit the ground.”
She casually slapped me. “You’re grounded.”
“Yes Mommy…”
“Your dress is going to be pink today.”
“... Yes-”
“And you’ll be wearing special panties, just for that little mouth of yours. Am I clear?”
“Okay…” I murmured.
“Don’t forget that you have braziers now. Wear them.”
My eyes grew hot. “Y-Yes, Mommy…”
She looked at me for a few more seconds before nodding. “Good. Take care of Diane when she wakes up, Carnation.”
“... Of course.”
With that, Hermione got out of bed and shed her nightclothes so she could change into something more appropriate for the day, but I stayed on the bed and fingered the hem of my nightgown. Once she noticed that I wasn’t moving, she said, “You can’t stay in bed all day.”
“I know…”
“Then get out of it.” I didn’t answer and dragged myself out of bed, which wasn’t fast enough. “I mean sometime today, Jayne. Hurry and get dressed before you earn yourself a spanking.”
With a heavy heart, I moved to do as she said, and with her harsh tongue guiding me, I latched on a bra and stepped into a pair of lacy pink panties with a vibrator that sat right against my clit in the worst of ways. I felt it as I put my dress on and it was already distracting. Tears formed in my eyes, but I tried not to let them fall at the humiliation of being made to crossdress and the likely prospect of being made to cum against my will sometime in the day. The very thought of it nearly got those tears to fall, but then Hermione ordered me out of my own room and made me face the day with a straight face, despite my eyes being pretty fuckin’ red. I wasn’t even allowed to smoke since Hermione wanted it to be clear that she was punishing me for bending Diane’s mind to my will, but I didn’t even get why she cared since she was supposed to be evil too.
On my way to the Courtroom, I was redirected to the Dining Hall because I couldn't avoid Hermione. Even when I tried to ignore the summons given by the butler, she just turned the vibrator on and made me find a quiet place to translocate without breaking the rules. Once I appeared in the Dining Hall, my face wet and my hands gripping my dress, Hermione just looked at me.
“Learn your lesson?”
“... Y-Yes,”I sniffled.
Hermione pursed her lips and turned her gaze to the wall in front of her. “Then eat.” I moved to do as she asked and she cleared her throat. “Forgetting something?”
“... Yes, Mommy.”
“That’s what I thought.”
Fears of the device in my underwear made me get to my seat quickly, but I couldn’t eat. I just wasn’t hungry, and I had plenty of reasons why. I pushed food around my plate for awhile until Hermione turned the vibrator back on, but then I just couldn’t take it anymore. I closed my legs as tight as they would go and just bawled, covering my face and weeping. Midas was by my side in seconds, having assumed that I was going to go to the Dining Hall in the first place, but I couldn’t tell him that I was cumming where I sat because I was choking on shame and disgust, making it hard to breathe. He let me cry on his shoulder until Hermione decided that I’d had enough, and even then my exhausted sobs still almost sounded like moans. My panties were soaked and so was a good portion of my crotch area in general, but the worst feeling was having my juices run down the crack of my ass. It really was unpleasant.
“Daughter? Are you well?” Hermione asked aloofly.
“I would say not, Your Majesty.” Midas answered for me.
“Did I ask you, Bull?”
“No, Your Majesty. My apologies.”
I don’t know why Hermione waited to ask, “Well? Are you going to answer my question?”
I cried a little harder because of that.
Midas took my head from his shoulder and placed it on his chest. “Your Radicoolness?”
“Hmph. Leave her. If she wants to act like a child, then I can surely treat her like one.”
“Oh, I was unaware that your molested children. I’ll be sure to tell the wards.” Midas answered coldly.
I looked at him like he’d just lost his damn mind because it must have taken some magically reinforced stones to say that. “... I beg your pardon, cattle?”
“You, Your Majesty, would name Queen Jayne as your daughter. Do you not?”
“That has nothing to do with-”
“A Minotaurs sense of smell?”
I buried my face in my hands and drew my knees up to my chest as Hermione said, “You will not mention this to a single soul. Are we clear?”
Midas held me tighter. “I will not allow you to do as you please to the Hero of Minosia, annoying as she may be.”
“I believe I-”
“I believe the Castle will dictate how our Queen is treated.”
Hermione made a curious noise. “Hmm. Left testicle, or right? Carnation, you decide.”
I froze.
“Well? I’m waiting.”
“You are not subject to her will,” Midas whispered to me. “Queen Jayne backs down to no foe.”
I looked up at him from in between my fingers as a butter-knife lodged itself into the base of one of his horns. I whipped my head around and glared at Hermione, which was all it took for her to get shoved out of reality. The only problem was that I had to bring her back, and the longer I waited to do it, the madder she would be. I decided to wait until she learned who was really boss around the Ironclad Castle, which also happened to correlate with whenever I felt like ending our little ‘Mommy-Daughter’ game. I didn’t feel like ending it at the moment, so instead of being a little bitch about it, I gave Midas a hug for being a real trooper and fucked off to my room to go change into something a little less gay.
It wasn’t like I couldn't just have new stuff made, but nooo, Hermione just had to burn all of my old clothes so that I wouldn’t go back to wearing them. It was what it was for the day, but I was pretty unhappy about having to still wear panties when Hermione wasn’t even around. It was also beyond gay, but I had to take my licks where they came, otherwise I was going to just be fucking sad all day. With that in mind, I got rid of the special panties and put on some rather unremarkable normal ones, but I still had to wear a dress, and I had to wear a bra with it, otherwise my nipples got itchy. It was the very definition of unfair, but then again, I was kinda evil anyway.
In any case, I took my time in getting to the Courtroom because I could, and when I got there, Diane was waiting for me with a smile on her face and a box of candy in her hands. “Heeey~ I got some sweets for my sweet!”
‘
I sighed and gave her the most genuine smile I could as I walked up the dais. “It’s really good to see you, Diane. It’s been crazy since I got back from Niple.”
“Heh-heh, you said back!”
“I sure did. What’s with the candy?”
“Oh, I figured I’d just be nice for a little bit before I started my evil streak!”
I stopped walking. “Evil streak?”
“Yeah, might as well since you and Hermione are pretty much kissing sisters right now. I wanna get in on the fun!”
“Actually, Hermione’s kinda gone at the moment. She overstepped some boundaries that were kinda important. And the expression is ‘kissing cousins’ or some Yee-Haw-ass ‘Howdy-der-pardner’ shit.”
“Oh. Well what about you? Do you want to be evil with me?”
“... No. I don’t wanna be evil at all, Diane,” I replied softly.
“Then why do you do evil stuff?”
“... I don’t know. I don’t really want to, either. Just… I’m sorry, Diane. I’m really sorry.”
“For what?”
“For betraying your trust.”
“Oh. I know, but there’s not really much we can do about it now, now is there?”
I looked up at her for a long moment, watching as she shifted around in my throne and made the most of her time up there. I slowly ascended, waiting to say anything until she started to get up. “Nah, sit with me today.”
She smiled coyly and played with a lock of her wonderful hair. “Hmm~ What’s in it for me?”
“Name your price.”
“Hmm… I want to decide what happens to the second person who wastes your time today!”
I nodded. “Sure. That can be arranged.”
“Really!? Oh, that’s super splenderific! I can’t wait to make the hoi polloi think twice about wasting time!”
“Not really the mindset you should be going into this with, but who am I to judge?”
“Well, you’d be Jayne. And the Queen. Duh.”
“That’s right, and as Jayne the Queen, I say that I get to sit on your lap today.”
Diane beamed and opened her arms. “Well? I’m waiting~”
I jogged up the rest of the stairs and had a seat on Diane before she wrapped her arms around me and started sucking on my neck like it was nineteen-ninety and she was trying to get to second base. She did, and she almost stole third before I made her stop so I could focus on getting my game face on for the day. Thankfully Diane wasn’t exactly evil herself, but I did have to tell her to get rid of the inflatable strapon in her pants because shit was mad gay. It ended up taking awhile for someone to run out the timer and waste my time, so I let Diane handle the first one of the day and had her dictate what the guys punishment would be. As it turned out, Diane thinks like Hermione. She had the Bull go and get one of his Cow’s bras and wear it on his head over his horns, which was pretty fucking amusing to watch. Other than that, there was little goiqng on in Court, so Diane and I were pretty much responsible for entertaining each other all day.
Outside of Court, Hermione had found a way out of the Non-place I had sent her and was waiting in the Dining Hall with Diane and I when we met again. She gave me a hard, flinty glare that gave me goosebumps like you wouldn’t believe, and that was even before she started talking about all the things she was going to make me do. That is, up until Diane threatened to shave her all the way and dip her in tar. Hermione calmed down a lot after that and even apologized for what happened earlier in the morning, though Diane had to ask what had gone on and was a little pissed at the result. It didn’t go over well at all and Diane made it very clear that Hermione was no longer welcome in her presence, so the Alicorn avoided a fight with someone who’s power rivaled mine at a point in time.
Once Hermione went back to Cragspire, Diane and I actually sat down and talked in my chambers, which I opened up with, “Diane, you know I warped your mind. I didn’t make you okay with it, so-”
“I’m not okay with it, but I also know that it’s inconsequential. You didn't change a single thing about my personality; just my willingness to watch you do bad stuff. Even then, you’ve had plenty of chances to do bad stuff today, like when Alethia asked you to go down on her, or when Borin grabbed your butt and tried to woo you. I don’t think you’re evil anymore, just lazy,” Diane explained, her words wounding me a little, but being better than most alternatives.
“... You think I’m lazy?”
“You don’t like putting in legwork. You’ve been searching for shortcuts ever since you started trying to recreate bullets and guns, Jayne.”
“... Oh.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty fixable.”
“If you say so…”
“Wanna do it?”
“Do what?” I asked dumbly.
“Sex, silly! You haven’t gotten any since you became a Queen, and I haven’t gotten any since before then!”
I stared at her for a solid ten seconds before I said, “You realize I only know how to sex with a dick, right?”
“Might as well learn, right?”
And so I did learn, but I didn’t want to get off. I munched of some Diane’s pie until she gave plenty of reasons to spread my legs for her to have her turn. It was as awkward as I thought it was going to be, but what made it even worse was the fact that I kept feeling stuff inside me and that was wrong. I made Diane stop before I could actually go ahead and throw up, but she still wanted me to get something out of the night other than nausea and discomfort. Since she wanted to do something for me, I just asked her to hold me until I fell asleep, but when I woke up, she was still holding me. It was genuinely touching and more than a little enticing. Being in her arms made me feel safe, warm, and loved, which is why I stayed buried in her chest until she got up to go use the restroom.
Bellony stopped by since Hermione wasn’t around to help me dress myself or sort out my hair, so it didn’t take all that long for me to get ready. Diane, on the other hand, was allowed to wear whatever she wanted, but Bellony wasn’t having any of her ‘I just brushed my hair, it’s fine!’, so after my mane got styled for the day, Diane was up next, and the braid Bellony put into her locks was certainly lovely. My girlfriend was mostly just annoyed that she had to spend time in my cursed chair, but even then she still enjoyed the result of her patience, unlike me. I was feeling more than a little salty about the mini-bun Bellony put in, but it’s not like I could have told her off without hurting her feelings or making her be difficult in the future.
Much to Diane’s dismay, we had to stop by her quarters to get her some apparel only to find that Hermione had done her one last ‘favor’ in ‘upgrading’ her wardrobe to match mine in a way. A lot of Diane’s things were in earth tones that really just didn’t look good on her, so we sorted through the shit with Bellony until we found a passable dress that wasn’t exactly the best. At the very least Diane and I were both clothed, so we had that going for us. Without anything stopping us from heading to breakfast, we went and got some delicious noms for the day before the whole kit and kaboodle started all over again. Life was monotonous in the castle unless shit was popping off one way or the other, and with Midas being unable to get the butter knife out of his horn without permanently damaging it, that was pretty much the highlight of my day. I ended up cutting off the bit of the butter knife that was just hanging from his head and sanding down what I couldn’t remove so that it would be flush with his head, but he still complained about not being able to feel his horn. Why he’d even want to is beyond me. Point blank.
That being said, there was something I had to do while Garrison was in Serpest, and that was attend or send a delegate to the Dripping Daisy festival that was going to be held somewhere in Equestria. The thing about that was that Celestia was probably going to kill whoever I sent, and it wasn’t guaranteed that she wouldn’t try to kill me, so I brokered a deal with Oedipus, Helen, and Ligre to get them all on the same page so they could watch the house for me. It was probably a bad idea to go directly to Celestia’s country right after I’d ripped one of her fingers off, but then again, I also wasn’t supposed to go to Equestria anyway. After some deliberation on the possibility of letting myself not get assraped by Cain, I decided to let Diane go in my stead after I enchanted the fuck out of some tasteful gloves to make her hit harder, a nice pair of lady-shoes to make her run faster (They had straps. Made sure of that one.), sewed some runes into her outfits that would make them cut-resistant, if not cut-proof, and fireproofed all of her everything. Diane thought it was a little much since I was doing it all at the end of the day after making arrangements to go myself. It was like, dawn before I stopped loading things up to give to Diane, but the last gift was probably the most important.
I’d never worked with ceramics as far as Alchemy went, but I knew that Minosian potters were some of the best in the business and that our clay could be… Um…
Ω … Kilned? Ω
Sure. I knew that Minosian clay could be kilned to be both hard and durable, but it took me a few tries to make something that would hold together after a few shots. I had to get the molecular composition right, and I had to reinforce the thing with some extra enchantments anyway since the little Derringer-type deal wasn’t exactly made for anything other than a distraction or a lucky kill. Sadly, I couldn't get into the barrell to make it shoot boolet fassar, but I could enchant all of Diane’s bullets to make them do different things. Some I loaded with Fyre Hexes, a few others got hit with Dark Bolt enchantments, and I gave her one that I covered in runes. There was a Rune Cube to go along with every type of Hex or Spell, but the last bullet I made had a Rune Cube to itself. The cube was enchanted to be sticky if thrown, though it wouldn’t stick to the thrower. Basically, I made a Teleporting bullet that would pierce through about an inch of steel.
Call me crazy or call me pessimistic; I just like to make sure the things I try to kill get deaded.
Once the sun was cracking the horizon wide open with its light, Diane blearily woke up to find me still in the Armory. The guards outside had let her in since there wasn’t another Armorer anywhere in Gray Grotto that would be awake at the moment, and when she came to see what I was doing, she said, “Are you still trying to make that ceramic shooty-thingy?”
I huffed a little as I put the finishing touches on an amulet I’d designed specifically for her. “Working on something more along the lines of a General Health Rune now. It should keep you fit as a fiddle or some shit like that.”
Diane wrapped her arms around me and put her cheek against mine, slightly hindering my fine-tuning. “Well, you know it’s morning, right?”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere.”
“It’s five-thirty here.”
“Shit.”
She giggled and gave me a squeeze. “Looks like we have a long day ahead of us, eh?”
“You can say that again,” I sighed, making a face.
“Looks like we have-”
“Woman.”
“Mhmm! Just checking!”
“Overly literal, pretty-ass twat.”
Diane swatted the back of my head. “Don’t be mean!”
“I can be anything I wanna be! Like a bird flying up in the tree! Like a bird stinging for honey!”
“... Was that a reference?” My girlfriend asked confusedly.
“Yup.”
“It was bad.”
“So is your taste in men, yet here we are.”
“You’re not a man~” Diane sang.
I cracked a smile at that, rueful as it was. “Guess that’s what Hermione kept trying to drill into my head.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure she was just trying to make you understand that you’re not changing back anytime soon,” Diane said more tenderly.
I snorted. “She was afraid that I was going to do the same thing to her that I did to you, except she didn’t even know what I did to you.”
“I know, and I’m not upset.”
“... But how do you feel about it?”
“Are you going to keep doing evil things?”
“... Imma be a lot less lazy, I’ll say that much.”
“So If told you that I planned on bringing Fluttershy back with me and telling her about some of the things you’ve done?” She asked softly.
“Guess I’d have to accept it.” As little as I wanted her to actually go through with that plan, it seemed like she had my best interests at heart with it.
Diane squeezed me again and replied with, “It won’t be as bad as you think it will be. I promise.”
“You only say that because I think the world will implode and we’ll all die horrible, horrible deaths.”
“No, I say that because you’re easily one of the most adaptable, loving people I know, and I don’t doubt for a second that you’ll melt as soon as you lay eyes on the Mare you love most~” She sang, her voice tinged with sadness.
I had a feeling I knew where it was coming from. “She might be the Mare I love most, but you’re the woman I love most, Diane.”
“Hmph! You sure don’t show it! Why, I spent all night wondering when you were going to come to bed and here I find you dawdling away at some chunk of metal!”
I scratched in the last accent mark and handed off the amulet. “Well, when you want me to shower you with gifts, you have to give me time to make them.”
“Oh. Right.”
“So do you know when you’re leaving for the Dripping Daisy Days?”
Diane sighed heavily. “Yeah, I leave with Leonidas early next week. Speaking of anal people, where’s Gauche?”
“I dunno. Why do you ask?”
“Well, I kinda have a feeling that he’s dead.”
“Damn. That sucks.”
“... And?”
I turned to look at her. “And what?”
“... Are you not sad that your friend might be dead or…?”
“We’re not friends?”
Ω Damn. Ω
☬ Ow. ☬
Shut it, crackas. Anyway, Diane gave me an odd look and asked, “Why not?”
“Because we met under crappy circumstances and our whole relationship is built off of being useful to each other. Not to mention he’s kinda my competition for God, so…”
“Well, yeah, but do you really want Max’s old job? I mean, I kind of watched him turn from a loveable asshole to a bipolar asshole because he became God. That kind of power is just going to make you evil, Jayne.”
“So sure?” I chuckled.
“Positive.” She replied, dead serious. “I don’t mind watching you do evil things, but actually having you believe in the shit you do is going to end this relationship.”
My eyes closed, then they went wide. “... Right. And if I try to keep you on as an advisor or something?”
“So you don’t do all evil, all the time?”
“Wink.” I winked at her.
“... Babe, the only reason I didn’t kill myself when Max died is because I’m mortal now. When I was Pinkie, my mind could handle living forever.”
“What if-”
“Change me again and I’ll just kill you.” She deadpanned, her eyes going a steely gray, like the clouds of a storm at sea.
“Duly noted, doubly avoided. Gosh, there sure is a lot of-”
“It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t cute, and it was really threatening. How would you feel if I went digging through your brain, covering up random things until I thought you were right for me again?”
“Fair point, counterpoint not ensuing. You win this round, you cheeky waffle.”
Diane made a noise of assent. “I better have. I put up with a lot from you, Jayne.”
“... You sure do, don’t you.”
“That wasn’t a question, but I will say yeah, I do.” Her voice couldn’t have been much flatter.
“... I’m sorry…”
“You’d better be kissing ass until the day you die, buster!”
“PRESENT IT THEN!” I boomed.
Diane promptly bent over and I kissed her ass literally because I felt like it. Diane giggled and rose with a blush, her face a little rosy and her smile looking as natural as ever. “Well, I wasn’t expecting you to actually do it!”
“Do what? I just kissed your cheek,” I replied.
It took her all of three seconds to be offended and it only took two more for me to start giggling until she dragged me out of my chair, threw me over her shoulder, and carried me out of the Armory. There wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it since Diane was probably six feet tall and I was all of five-nothing at a hundred and twenty if sopping wet with bricks in my pockets. It just wasn’t fair, but I made sure that I was as dignified as I could be as we passed many of the early shifters and the occasional wandering ward. Most of themgot a smile out of my mild humiliation, so I thought it was worthwhile up until Diane slammed me onto my bed and made me bounce so hard I nearly touched the fucking canopy over it.
With that out of the way, I got bathed (With Diane) and found that Hermione’s altered version of my wardrobe was still there, though there were now a few racks of feminine apparel that just… It wasn’t dresses or skirts, so I wasn’t that mad, but most of the clothes on the racks were semi-formal instead of outright regal, so I ended up donning one of my new pantsuits for the day and Diane decided to copy me, but with pink accents to a grey suit instead of orange and black. Come to think of it, I vaguely remember someone saying that orange is the new black, but that might just be something Mari left inside of me. That sounds gross.
… Anyway…
So Diane and I were as prepared as we ever get to face the day, but from the initial case, it was shaping up to be an even longer day than we’d anticipated. Three Bulls and a Naga all came in with a similar problem: Where do the Naga refugees have the right to lay their heads? I’d addressed the issue already and had even paid off some farmers to move them into the city so the Naga could live on their land for a time, but that evidently wasn’t enough for the Snake-Fish niggas. Nooo, they just had to make me look like a dumbass by spreading crime across the northeastern region of Minosia, and I for one, wasn’t having that shit in my house. I arrested the Naga that had showed up with the three bulls on murder charges because all four of them had stated that a land dispute had taken place and that the Naga had ‘won’. However, the duel was off arena grounds, there was no documentation, and the three Bulls were my own people, so of course I sided with them. It was a landmark case that set precedent across the country, and that wasn’t even the start of it.
More and more similar cases started cropping up. Whether the offending party was native or foreigner, it really didn’t matter since Diane and I mostly sided with the natives and citizens. The Naga were just acting like bandits with pride. In light of the conflict going on in my country, I tightened border security and started outright deproting the Naga who were filling the few cells in the Ironclad Keep that weren’t cursed or haunted to Hell. In fact, there were so many new jobs open to Minotaurs specifically for the sole purpose of sending the Naga back from where they came, the Treasury took a notable dip. Still, it was a worthy cause for the happiness of my people, even if my approval rating was still middling among my natives.
With the headaches of mass deportation came outrage from Ynuntu the Slacking. Her letter was so amusing, I literally committed it to memory. Keep in mind I got this about five days after the first case with the Naga and the Bulls, so it was after the initial wave of Naga were forced back onto their side of the border. It read as such:
You think you have power.
You think you’re the toughest woman on the planet.
I have news for you, Jayne: This injustice, this crime you’ve committed against my people, will certainly not be forgotten. In their time of need, you would spurn them, spurn me. We shall see in the coming days where the tides shall shift, and you will come to understand the true meaning of Don’t Tread On Me.
-Ynuntu the Youthful
Now, I’m no scientist, and I don’t have a Remembrall, but I knew back then as I know now that Ynuntu had no prior interest in where her people were going because I’d reached out to her multiple times over the influx of Naga crossing my borders, so I sent her a little letter back that read like this:
Dear Dumbass
It would seem that someone’s forgotten the six letters I’ve sent regarding the recent emigration of your people. As such, I would say you have no right to complain about how I keep your people alive. The next hateful letter you send me will end in executions. As it is now, you can take your people back and stay the fuck out.
No, perhaps that’s rude of me. Somewhat like failing to address the fact that your people have been committing numerous crimes in my land. The subject of the fifth and sixth letters, if you recall. Perhaps you don’t. You mustn’t have read them, otherwise this conversation wouldn’t be happening. Therefore, let me say this once and once only:
Don’t start shit; won’t be shit. Keep yours on your side, and I’ll keep mine on mine. Keep sending your people over past this brand new one month deadline, and I will PERSONALLY send every woman and child back to your neglectful arms with Curses fit to raise the dead and kill them all over again.
Note This: You have been warned,
Queen Jayne of Minosia
As friendly as my letter to Ynuntu was, I wasn’t expecting a reply anytime soon, so imagine my surprise when she sent a letter back saying that she was going to handle business, one way or the other. In my mind and in my Cabinet’s collective opinion, I’d just stuck my tongue into a war.