Chapter 11- Dan Versus Logic
The feast was finally quieting down. Food had been eaten, ponies had danced, children had been sent home to play. The humans had had a long evening of interaction though. Pictures and poses had to be taken. An autograph here and there. And the questions. Those were the worst. Least for Soma.
"What's a human? Why is your hair white? Do you have a special somepony? What do you study in college? Is it true humans' have cutie marks called "tattoos?" How old are you? What do humans like to eat? Why do you smell nice? Dan smells strange compared to-" Soma had kept his eyes closed the whole time, trying be polite with these "Cutie Mark Crusaders." Ergh. They were more annoying than medusas in a clockwork tower.
Fluttershy giggled, seeing at how Soma was being persecuted by the little fillies. She guessed they targeted him because he was the youngest human. An anger wrinkle was starting to form against Soma's forehead. "Now now Crusaders. You shouldn't bother Mr. Cruz like that when we are all eating. It is rude," The Kindness bearer said, moving in to look at them. She Had to make sure she blocked her face from view from Soma to give them "The Stare."
"Uh, ok! We are sorry mister Cruz! We will come again later!" Scootaloo said, her face suddenly forming a 180 and turning from a smile into a frighten gasp. Sweetie Bell nodded furiously, darting off as Applebloom followed. Soma picked up his head and opened his eyes, blinking. What made them stop like that?
"You have a way with children," Soma said, watching the little ones run off.
"Oh, well... Sometimes the Crusaders need to be reminded about manners," Fluttershy said. She had a small smile over her face, trying not to look nervous. She must never let Soma see her do "The Stare." The thought of Soma seeing her use it frightened her. The yellow pegasus had never used it so many times in one day, and Soma may decide not to be her friend. Rainbow Dash once told her that "The Stare" could frighten off anypony.
"Thank you though. I'm afraid I don't know how to handle children," Soma said to look back at his food. Sweet, sweet delicious butter on pancakes. Flapjacks be damned, these were pancakes. He wondered why ponies had fork and knives to begin with. How could they even hold them? While Soma was finishing off his food, the other people in the table had their own conversation.
"So... Dan," Phoenix begun. "You and Pinkie Pie. What's the story?" The former lawyer asked, turning to look at the pink one as she was putting her cooking utensils away.
"Not to be rude, but you are not exactly the patient type. How can you control yourself around her?" Twilight Sparkle asked. She knew Dan the best out of everypony at the table. Dan had been her "roomate" when he had been in Equestria.
"Ya kidding right? I wantta know is, what made Pinkie love ya?" Applejack asked, looking up and down Dan. Her friend could do so much better than a man with a violent temper and avoided showers.
Dan stopped eating, a fork inside his mouth to look at the others. They all were staring at him, expecting answers. Beady green eyes looked left and right, trying to see if there was a way out. Even Soma was paying attention, mouth chewing and all. Rarity was paying extra attention, eyes sparkling, hopeful for a tale of love. Fluttershy was eager for hints. The hints may help her out with a certain young man.
"You are not going to let me eat in peace, are you?" Dan said, retreating the fork from his mouth. "Its none of your business!" He said, slamming his utensils down and narrowing his eyes at everyone.
"Pinkie Pie is our friend! Of course its our business!" Rainbow Dash said, flying to butt heads with Dan. She pushed forward, and Dan pushed back.
"I know its rude to pry Dan, but you don't exactly do things unless you have an agenda..." Twilight Sparkle interjected. "We just don't want to see our friend hurt." Applejack moved her head up to tug on Rainbow's tail and pull her down so Dan had space to talk.
"Fine! But I am only doing this because I have a feeling you won't stop hounding me later," Dan replied, moving to sit straight. He released a sigh, moving both hands to push his plate away from himself. "No interruptions though- If one of you does, I quit!" He added, crossing both arms on his chest. The others nodded in agreement. Dovahkiin decided to push his plate away, resting both arms on the tabletop. Nothing like a good story after a meal. Bard 101.
"So you all know I been to Equestria before, right? An accident with a machine my friend's wife," Dan stopped there, adding an emphasis on "wife" with certain distaste. "Sent me here. I met with the Princess and Twilight. She can fill you in on that part later," Dan said, giving a sigh. That had been a strange day for him. The others turned to look at Twilight, who merely nodded. She decided not to say anything, having promised not to interrupt.
"For some inconceivable notion, Twilight thought it would be a good idea to meet with her friends and learn more about," Dan stopped and rolled his eyes, sticking out his tongue. "Friendship." As if already didn't know about it. In any case, I met Pinkie Pie," Dan said, thinking back to that day. Right on cue, Pinkie was coming up to join the others.
"What's going on?" Pinkie asked, a bit of batter on her apron and her hair.
"Oh, I said no interruptions! I was telling them about how we got engaged," Dan said, turning to look at Pinkie. She immediately gasped, moving her hooves to cover her mouth.
"But the Pinkie Promise!" Pinkie said, moving closer to Dan. She looked worried.
"Its ok. I only made you promise, not me," Dan said. The two had completely ignored the others. Good thing too. Soma was choking on his pancakes. Desperate to save himself, Soma summoned an imp to appear behind him. Soma motion to his back, and the imp got a clue to save his master's life by slapping him. The partially masticated food was spit out and splattered against Phoenix's face. He said nothing though, his brain had been set to "I'm outta here" mode. That is, until he felt the food on his face. It smeared down, eyes the only thing not blocked from view.
Twilight's brain was also suffering, unable to cope with the info. Her face twitched several times, her hair deciding to frazzle slowly. Nate had his mouth open a bit, wondering if he was witnessing bestiality in process. He turned to look at Rarity, who also had her mouth open. Except her chin was resting on the table top. With no help there, Nate turned to look at the others for an explanation.
Applejack was stunned, her eyes the most relaxed than they have ever been in her life. But her mouth was trying to say something, only opening and closing with no sound coming out. Fluttershy tripped over her front hooves, falling forward to the ground. Dovahkiin had his left hand holding his forehead, keeping it from falling down to hit the table. Rainbow Dash... Where was Rainbow Dash?
Nate turned to look around and finally spotted the cyan pegasus. She had moved to land on the ground, frozen still. She had been hovering a moment ago, having just confronted Dan. Nate leaned a bit and poked her with his knife. The Loyal bearer simply did not move. Was she breathing?
"Uh Dan? I think we broke our friends," Pinkie Pie said, turning to look at the others. Dan perked up his right eyebrow, looking at them as well.
"See? This is why I wanted to build up to the point," Dan said, moving his arms out to gesture at the group. He moved to stand and walked over to grab a pitcher of water. He calmly poured a glass of water, and then moved back to the bench. First victim? Rainbow Dash suddenly had water splashed against her face, courtesy of Dan.
Not bothering to wait for her reaction, Dan went one by one to inspect the others. Applejack? Splash. Rarity? Splash. He stopped to look at Nate, who seemed to be ok. Splash for Nate too. Twilight got a splash, then Fluttershy. Dovahkiin had a splash, and then Soma. Dan stopped to look at Phoenix, who still had food on his face. Dan skipped him and then walked back at his place at the table to sit down.
"Who what when why how?" Twilight said, her hair settling against her face. Rarity brought her mouth to close, regaining her senses. Not only had Pinkie be the first one to get a human special pony, she was the first one of her group of friends that was engaged. This did not compute! Nate had moved to pick up a napkin and dried himself. Dovahkiin took off his Nightingale helm and started to dry it. He said nothing, deciding that this was better left for-
"You're what?" Rainbow Dash yelled out, her hoof pointing at Pinkie. There it is, Dovahkiin thought. Fluttershy moved to stand up straight, immediately moving back to Pinkie. She grabbed her front hooves and begun to shake them.
"You found you're special somepony! And you are engaged! Congratulations!" Fluttershy said, a crazed look on her face. Kindness demanded she thank her friend, but her brain had not quite caught up yet.
"You're jumping the gun! I said no interruptions! Its a conditional engagement!" Dan yelled out, geting mad now.
"Con-di-ti-o-nal?" Applejack finally got to speak out, her hair settling over her eyes.
"Look, who is telling the story, you or me?" Dan said, moving to slam his left palm on the table. Phoenix finally responded to that, the familiar sound of hand against wood all too familiar to him. He moved to grab a napkin and finally clean himself.
"Just please, go on," Twilight said, eyes hidden behind her wet mane. Her brain was working again. Fluttershy released Pinkie, moving to sit down on the spot to listen.
"So I met Pinkie. Instantly, I wanted to slap her," Dan said, turning to look at Pinkie. She giggled. Better continue with the story and if no one payed attention, all the better. "I was barraged by questions, invited to a party, given a multiple choice test, and other things I decided to instantly burn!" Dan said.
Pinkie Pie nodded. Dan clearly had walked to form a large bonfire in town and burn things as she continued to talk to him. A serious town meeting had been called that day to build a fire station in town.
"Needless to say, I avoided her for fear of my sanity. She, had other ideas. I was stalked and persecuted. If there was a court system and maybe police in this town, I would have filed for a restraining order and have her arrested," Dan said. Pinkie, not fazed at all by Dan's story, moved in to nuzzle against his face.
"After dodging her for days, Pinkie was finally able to catch me. Something about a party I never showed up for," Dan shrugged. He decided to push Pinkie away at this point. "That is when I decided, she got on my list," he said in a low voice. Twilight moved a hoof to pick up her wet mane and look over at Pinkie. Why was she still alive? How was she alright? Pinkie moved to the table and got a chance to eat her own flapjacks.
Dovahkiin perked up his eyebrow at the word list. That sounded like a quest. Better ask about it later.
"But, I knew I couldn't hurt Pinkie through traditional means. My vengeance would have to be carried out differently," Dan said moving to get a glass of water to drink. He was not used to entertaining a crowd. Just assemble the masses into a riot. Twilight also remembered the promise where Dan could not physically bring harm to a pony. It was a condition that was needed for Dan to live in Ponyville.
"So I used logic." Dan added, setting his glass down after a sip. Once again, Twilight found her face twitching. She had tried to use logic to figure out Pinkie, and it failed. The guys at the table though, understood a bit. Dan had shown himself to be pretty shrewd and smart.
"Pinkie, do you remember the conversation?" Dan asked. Pinkie nodded, lifting her head from chewing to swallow. "Mind helping me out? The conversation went something like this-" Dan picked himself up to sit straight.
"Pinkie Pie?" Dan asked.
"Yes Danny Wanny?" Pinkie responded.
"Why do you want to throw me a party?" Dan raised his left hand to motion at her.
"Because I want to throw a party for all my friends!" Pinkie said, smiling.
"But, are we friends?" Dan retorted.
"Of course! Any friend of Twilight is a friend of mine!" Pinkie answered.
"But, I am not Twilight's friend," Dan said, crossing his arms on his chest.
"You're... You're not?" Pinkie Pie said, her eyebrows raised.
"No, we just live together, but we are not yet friends," Dan said, smirk on his face.
"But you will be, right?" Pinkie asked, her face a bit hopeful. At this point, everyone was looking back and forth at the two as the conversation was had.
"I do not know. But tell me, does that makes us friends?" Dan asked.
"Um, no- But I hope to be!" Pinkie said with her eyes closed and grinning.
"Have we shared a meal? Have we done an activity together? Do you know my last name?" Dan asked, now barraging Pinkie with questions.
"I... I ay ay ay, don't know," Pinkie said, her front hooves rubbing against each other. No one knew those things about Dan at that point. Not even Twilight.
"Do you know my favorite color? What kind of foods I can eat?" Dan asked again, moving both hands to rest on his hips.
"I, don't," Pinkie said, a a bit defeated.
"Those sound like the kind of things a friend should know," Dan said. "Do you think I would be friends with someone that did not know those things?"
"But if we spend time together-" Pinkie interrupted.
"Why would I spend time with you?" Dan asked, an eyebrow raised.
"Because I am a fun pony, and I am friends with everypony!" Pinkie said.
"Everypony? I am not a pony. By including me as a pony when I am not, hurts my feelings," Dan said, turning his back on her.
"Oh, I am sorry, I don't mean to get you mad," Pinkie said. She started to look upset.
"I accept your apology. But I don't think I can be friends with a pony that has no self worth," Dan said, both eyes closed as he looked over his left shoulder.
"Self... Worth? What do you mean?" Pinkie Pie asked, clearly confused.
"You just said you are friends with ponies. Tell me why," Dan said, sounding more like a command than a question.
"Because I love to see everypony smile! It brings me cheer!" Pinkie said.
"Oh? What else makes you happy?" Dan asked, moving to face her.
"Oh, throwing parties for ponies, and listen to them in case they need a pick me up! And oh, I love pastries!" Pinkie said, eyes closed to smile.
"Exactly what I mean. No self worth. You can't find happiness by yourself. That's... that is so sad," Dan said.
"Why is that sad? Isn't making everypony smile a good thing?" Pinkie questioned, rubbing her hooves again.
"You mean to tell me, you can't be happy unless others are? That makes you co-dependent person. A person that can't make themselves happy without others is sad. Can't you imagine it? Have you ever seen a person all by themselves? People that can't be happy unless they have others? People that validate their existence through others? A person that can't be alone, cannot be at peace with themselves?" Dan asked.
"Uh, I... Don't understand," Pinkie said, lowering her head as she got upset. Twilight couldn't tell if Pinkie was acting at this point. This conversation was starting to sound too real.
"People that can't be happy unless others are as well- Are hiding something. They are too busy to notice something is missing in their lives, so they keep busy to hide it or not think about it. They have no self identity, and thus- aren't complete." Dan stated, leaning in to look at Pinkie's face.
"But I can too make myself happy! I bake and that treat makes me happy!" Pinkie defended herself.
"Oh? But isn't that just your job? Not who you are? People that make their jobs their identity also do not have self worth. A person is more than their job. Even if you are a party planner, you are still defining yourself with what you do, not what you are," Dan said, raising an eyebrow.
"I... uh..." Pinkie stopped talking, listening to Dan. At the time, Dan made sense to a point. Did she only see life through others, and not herself? Did she have something missing in her life? Back then, she didn't have a special pony. Was that what she didn't want to acknowledge to herself?
"Am I wrong?" Dan asked.
"I... I am the Element of Laughter!" Pinie said, moving to cross her hooves on her small chest. Applejack found herself rooting for her. That's the way to counter.
"Excuse me? Laughter? Tell me... What good is laughter or humor, when no one else is around?" Dan said. The human males were watching with fascination. To the Dovahkiin, this sounded like a philosophy argument in the Wizard's college. To the others, this sounded like a courtroom drama. Back and forth lawyers argued. Phoenix found this fascinating. Dan countered ever point and also set up Pinkie Perfectly, like a prosecutor would. Phoenix saw a little bit of Miles in Dan's performance.
"Uh.. I- I can laugh at myself?" Pinkie said, coming up empty on ways to counter Dan.
"Really now? Why laugh at yourself? Because everyone else laughs with you, or at you?" Dan asked. He reached for another sip of his water. Pinkie was left there, looking at the ground. Her attitude was quickly turning from happy to depressed. Discord may have been bad, but Dan made the spirit of chaos look like a puppy.
"Tell me Pinkie Pie? Why call yourself that? Isn't your real name Pinkamina?" Dan asked, turning to look back at her. "Don't you like your birth name? Or even your middle name? When you introduce yourself- why do you say 'My name's "Pinkie Pie," instead of my name's Pinkamina Pie, but you can call me Pinkie?' How much is your self worth- Actually worth- If you don't use your real name ever?" Dan asked.
Pinkie said nothing. Back then, she could remember how she felt. Hollow and empty. That feeling she had when she felt her friends would not party with her. Was she really that desperate to be with others? Was she that bad?
"Tell me Pinkamina... Do you think you could be friends with someone who's self worth, is nothing?" Dan asked, nailing the coffin with his final statement.
Pinkie instantly lost her poofy mane. Her hair went still and fell against her form. Her eyes begun to water, and she could not sit straight anymore. Applejack narrowed her eyes. This was not acting anymore. She could tell.
"You're.. you're right," Pinkie said, her voice low. She felt so empty back then. "I would understand if nopony wanted to be friends with someone like me..." Pinkie whispered, lowering her head. Tears begun to fall on the ground.
Dan turned to look away from Pinkie and inspect the others. They looked convinced. "By this point, I had her crying. I had gotten my revenge. But I had never seen anything so sad in all my life. A poor creature with no self worth, realizing how little they had in themselves..." Dan said, turning to look at Pinkie Pie.
"But it was the truth, to some extent," Pinkie said, her head lifting to clear the tears that had been forming. "Dan broke me. And then, he saved me." Pinkie said, smiling a little.
"I was left standing there, watching Pinkie just cry. I could cross her off my list," Dan said. Pinkie had picked up her head and moved a hoof through her hair. It was still straight. He frowned a little. Remembering that moment in her life was worse than she thought. Dan moved his left hand up to hold his right elbow.
"But she kept crying. I would have thought she would have run home or seek comfort food- Whatever it is mares do," Dan said. Rarity was confused at this point. How could this turn into a romance?
"It was getting odd. I only meant her to stop, not make her cry and break down like that. I had no idea what to do. After a while, I finally decided to make her stop. Logic did this, logic could also fix it," Dan said.
"Pinkie... Why do you use that nickname anyway?" Asked Dan. Once more, he had turned to look at Pinkie.
"What do you care?" Pinkie asked, her head lowered even though she was no longer crying.
"I think it sounds cute," Dan said, moving his hand from his elbow. "You could have used PP, Pink, Diane, or others. Why Pinkie?"
"I thought it sounded cute too," Pinkie said, lifting her head up. Her voice didn't sound so bad now.
"Why parties anyway? Why not clubs? Why not sports or competitions? Why engage ponies with something that can be so expensive?" Dan asked again.
"Cause parties can be for anypony. Sports are only for athletes or spectators. Clubs are only those with common interests. But there are all kinds of parties. The only thing all ponies share in common, is birthdays. Unicorn, Pegasus, even Earth ponies can share and relate in a birthday party," Pinkie said, moving her head to look at Dan's eyes.
"That's... Smart," Dan complimented, his eyebrows raised.
"You're just saying that," Pinkie countered.
"No. Its true. Even I'm not a pony, and I still have a birthday. We actaully have something in common," Dan said with a small smile.
"Yeah, I guess you got a point," Pinkie said. "Why are asking me this?"
"I am trying to see if I am wrong. If there is one thing that can give you self worth, I will be friends with you," Dan said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Do you meant it?" Pinkie asked.
"You still have to prove me wrong..." Dan said.
"How?" Pinkie asked, looking down. All she ever did was things that made others happy.
"That's your problem. But you have to behave like an adult. You can't go around asking questions nonstop! You have to give me a break! Talk to me no more than twice a day! I can't be friends with someone that can't respect my space," Dan said.
"I promise! In fact, I Pinkie Promise!" Pinkie said, her hair instantly getting poofy. She moved a hoof to salute Dan.
"Good, it looks like you proved me wrong, we can be friends," Dan said as he leaned back in his seat.
"What? Already? What did I do?" Pinkie Pie said.
"People with no self worth, cannot make promises. The word of someone with no worth, is worth nothing as well. Since you can promise and mean it, your word has worth," Dan said, smiling at her.
"You think so?" Pinkie asked, lowering her head again. That was too easy. Could she feel better so fast like that?
"Pinkie Pie, to a lot of people- Their word is the most important thing in the world. Is a Pinkie Promise important to you?" Dan asked.
"No one breaks a Pinkie Promise!" Pinkie said, in a low voice. With her hair straight like that, her eyes looked especially menacing.
"Then I made my point," Dan said, moving his right hand to his waist and mock courtesy from his seat.
"Are you doing that to make me feel better?" Pinkie asked, lifting her head and eyebrows.
"Really? If I wanted to cheer you up, I would probably do something more meaningful," Dan said, shaking his head to the sides.
"Like what?" PInkie said, getting closer to Dan. She was smiling now.
"I dunno..." Dan said, feeling his shoulders lean back as Pinkie got closer.
"Come on, you can tell me! We are friends now, right?" Pinkie said. Her face was inches from his.
"Curse logic," Dan said, turning to look at the others. He then looked back at Pinkie. He simply leaned in to kiss her cheek. "Something like that, ok?" Pinkie instantly regained her poofy hair, and a smile returned to her face. She tackled Dan to give him a hug. "Someone help me!" Dan struggled on the ground.
This made everyone wake up. Phoenix even looked away from his cleaning to look down at the couple at the floor.
"Would you look at that..." Twilight said. Her hair was finally drying.
"What does that have to do with the engagement?" Asked Rarity. Dan finally managed to break free of the glomp and pick himself to stand.
"Well, she didn't stop hugging me, and I had no idea what to do to make her stop. In fact, it felt ackward. Last time someone held me that long, it was a police officer in a headlock," Dan said, rubbing the back of his head. Instantly, he found himself glomped from behind. Pinkie Pie had moved on her hind legs and give Dan a hug.
"I knew he liked me! I even told him so back then," Pinkie said.
"At this point, I wanted to clear things up," Dan said, finding a poofy pink mane in front of his face. His left hand moved to move the hair from view. "I told her only as friends. Maybe if she was a human or I was a pony, then I may have considered more," Dan said.
Rarity opened her eyes and moved to rest her hooves on the table. She knew what was coming.
"I asked him if he really meant it. And he said 'Of course! I don't say things I don't mean," Pinkie said in her best Dan impersonation. He merely closed both his eyes and sighed.
"She finally let go of me to look me in the face," Dan said. Pinkie released Dan and moved to stand straight, standing at his side.
"Are you saying, that you would be my special somepony?" Pinkie Pie asked. She closed both her eyes and blushed.
"Only if I was a pony, or she was human," Dan added, lifting his left index finger up. She turned to look at him and nod. "At that point, she begun to practice things like cooking actual food other than pastries, and spend time with me. I taught her how to make flapjacks," Dan said.
"After a few weeks, I wondered if Dan really did feel the same way about me. I finally had somepony that talked to me like an adult, and forced me to their pace. I wanted Dan's attention, and also his approval," Pinkie said.
"So she uped and asked me. One day I was teaching her how to cook burritos, she got on her knees and looked up at me," Dan started.
"Dan, will you marry me if one of us ever transforms?" Pinkie said, finishing for him.
"I was railroaded at this point. I honestly had no idea if I would ever get home. Also, its not like I hated her..." Dan said, blushing a bit. "I said yes, so long as long as one of us transforms. It would be weird, I want to have kids you know..." Dan said with a shrug. "Little did I know, apparently inter-specie relationships means crap in this land. Love is love here."
"So now you know! I personally don't care what Dan is, or what I am. I just have to wait him out!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
"Fiend," Dan added, crossing his arms on his chest. "At least she could cook a mean flapjack. But I got pulled back home. I had no choice in the matter, as it was kinda sudden."
"I just assumed he had gone to look for a way to change me, or him to change in his world," Pinkie said to kiss Dan again on his cheek. "I almost gave up, but he's back!"
"Hey guys! Princess Celestia is ready!" Spike said, walking up to the group. He stopped, looking at the gathering. This was confusing. Why did they all look so lovely dovey?
"We better go to the Library then," Twilight said. That feeling she had in her stomach returned with a vengance only Dan could ever provide. How was she going to explain to them all, that the humans would all be returning to their homes?