Drifting stared at her book, slowly flitting through it. She couldn’t really focus on it, though. All she could think about was the Dreamscape. Somewhere else. So far away, it might as well have been… well… a dream. She’d have given anything to be back in it. It had already been four days, and she didn’t know if she could last the next four. She wanted to be herself. So, so bad.
But she was terrified that if she DID go back, she’d never be able to escape. That she’d want to hop right back in, that she’d be kicked out again. That she’d want it so desperately and all of the pain would come right back to her, striking her like a knife through the heart. And as desperately as she wanted to go back, she didn’t want to re-open this wound all over again, every week. How could she? How could ANYPONY want this?
It felt like she was starving, only being given a cracker on occasion, just this occasional taste to remind her just how close she could be to being satisfied, but not being allowed it. To not being allowed the same satisfaction that every other mare was allowed.
No, it wasn’t even a satisfaction for most mare’s, she imagined. It was just what they were. It was like breathing, or having a heart beat. Most didn’t know how wrong it felt to not have it until it was gone. She’d been trying to ignore it, which was why she’d begun to do her studying at the library. A place where other ponies often were. Even if they weren’t ones she knew, at least she wasn’t alone. So she could at least pretend she wanted to do more than curl up in a ball and sob in her bed.
Worse, Aeon and Neon were busy and wouldn’t be able to see her until they were next in the Dreamscape. So she couldn’t even distract herself with friendships.
“Drifting?” a voice asked from behind her.
She glanced back and quickly inched away. “Branding! I ummm… I was just leaving,” she said, gripping her books and starting to pack them up.
“W-wait! I wanted to talk to you! Listen, I’m sorry, you were right. I’m seeing a therapist about my anger issues!”
Drifting stopped. Slowly she looked over the other mare. “You are? You… really?”
“Yes, really. You were right. What I did… it wasn’t right. Even if I don’t completely understand what you’re doing. And even if I DO think it’s a bit weird. And I still have trouble...” Branding stopped and rubbed her forehead with her hoof. “No. I’m sorry. I… am sorry. What I did was wrong. It was cruel, and it was wrong. And I am sorry I did it to you. Okay?”
“O-okay...” she said, eying the fire caster closely. “Is that all?”
“No. It’s… I want… to try and be friends again. Before you get upset! Please. I know what I did was wrong. I really, really do. I ended up talking to my therapist and she said that it was very much an over reaction. I mean, of course it was. I attacked you. If you’d gone to the guard about it, or even the school, I could have been in so much trouble and...” She shook her head. “It was wrong. You said you forgave me. And… I just...”
“…You just what?”
“I want to know if we can try to… be friends again? I-I’ll understand if you don’t want to. But… what I did was terrible and I’d really like to try and make it up to you. To… not… be that terrible pony I was that day,” she mumbled.
Drifting stared, her mouth falling open. “You… really sound sorry.”
“I am.”
“…Okay. I… I can try. Okay? Just… ummm...” She glanced to her books. “… Want to study with me?”
“Do we have the same subjects?”
“Okay, probably not...” she muttered.
“…So how have you been?”
“I’m starting hormonal treatment, amongst other things. Or should be, soon. As soon as mom finishes all the paperwork and agreements...”
“Hormonal treatment?”
“Err… yeah. Um, so… I’ve learned a lot since then. Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with the details.”
“No. Please tell me. I’d like to know more about it. If that’s okay.”
“Oh. Well, um. There are a few treatment’s I’ll be trying. They’re… slow. But my parents are finally supporting them, and...”
------
Drifting walked towards the exit, her head low. She’d spent a lot longer than she’d expected talking with the other mare. However, it only drove things even deeper how long she had to go to be herself. It’d take YEARS to get to where she wanted to be. It’d be worth it, though. She knew it would. But that didn’t make it any easier. It still hurt so much.
She wanted to be herself NOW. She didn’t want a time trial. She just wanted to be herself. Why was it so hard to--
“Ahem. Snowy,” a voice said, making her glance over. She yelped and took a step back.
“H-hello, Principal Higher. A, err, a pleasure seeing you here. I was just heading to the castle and--”
“I see, I see,” he said, cutting her off. “Could you come to my office, please? I’d like to speak with you.”
“Err… y-yes, sir,” she said, following him towards his office. Her heart was pounding. How much trouble was she in? Was this about her grades? Probably. They’d been terrible. And she didn’t really have a good excuse. And try as she might, she couldn’t THINK of anything to say. Once she was in the office, sitting across from him, she could only shuffle nervously and stare across the desk at him. “So, err… what’s… up… sir?” she tried, failing to make any actual smile.
“We’re here to talk about your grades.”
“…I figured as much.”
“Frankly, they SHOULD be far better than this.”
“I know, sir...”
“In fact, when it came to transformation magic, you’re incredibly talented. Fortunately, your grades in that department have been quite good. And considering that’s why you were accepted into this school, that, at least, is important.”
“…Sorry sir...”
“Unfortunately, while normally this would just mean we’d let you continue as normal… you have the attention of the princess. And while this has, fortunately, NOT spilled out too far yet… if somepony who was connected to the princess dropped out, or worse, we were seen as having been unable to properly train them, it could cause quite an incident. And make the school look bad. I’m sure you understand.”
“Shape up or leave, basically?” Drifting asked. “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t mean it like--”
“No. I want you to graduate. This year.”
Drifting blinked a few times. “I… what? But… you just said I was doing terribly.”
“Incredibly. However. If your focus is shifted to a less… difficult, more focused class of study, you’ll be able to graduate with ease.”
“…What?”
“You’re currently registered as a general studies, secondary in transfiguration. What I’m talking about is shifting to a transfiguration primary. It would require you to pass a few more classes that are more advanced than your used to. But, then again… you did transform a number of your fellow classmates into rabbits while under duress. And that is far harder than anything you’d be likely to encounter on the way to this degree. It would also require far less general classes, and focus more on your strengths.”
Drifting nodded. Her mind was racing. She could be out of here in under a year. More importantly, if she graduated she would be a FULL adult, legally she could do whatever she wanted. And since she wasn’t dropping out, she could even join the lunar guard if that was what it took. But there was still something nagging at her. “… This is honestly what I wanted. What I’d been thinking about for the last few days. But it’s kind of a bit too… cut and dry. You know? Why just offer me this? Letting me graduate early? It’s--”
“It’s not early. It’s shifting requirements around,” the stallion interrupted. “Let’s be perfectly clear… Snowy. A general studies degree won’t help you where you’re going. Especially, with your current grades it’ll--”
“What do you mean, where I’m going?!” Drifting snapped, puffing up her chest.
“…Your grades were never very good, and have only gotten lower. When it comes to transfiguration, you’re quite talented. But the problem is you’re not focusing on that magic. The kinds of jobs you could get as...” He trailed off. “Tell me, Snowy, what kind of jobs are you hoping to do? What kind of life are you hoping to make for yourself?”
“W-well, I want to… err…” she mumbled, trailing off. “I’d like to… ummm...”
“Yes?”
“…I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”
“However, in terms of transfiguration…” He flipped open a file on his desk. “Apparently you learned a spell to transform yourself into a breezie for extra credit?”
“Well, yeah.”
“That’s incredibly advanced,” he said with a long suffering sigh. “And if you were to only focus on transfiguration magic--”
“I’d be out of your mane faster, pretty much guaranteed to be able to pass, not cause an incident, right?” Drifting asked through gritted teeth. “But I’ll be a lot more limited in what I can do, I--” Then stopped. “Wait. Can… is joining the guard possible with a transfiguration degree?”
“From here? Yes,” he said with a sigh. “And you are correct. This is better for all parties involved. And if you agree to the change, I will ensure that, whichever line of duty you eventually pursue, you will have top recommendations from this school. The fact is, a general studies degree is better if you do not know where you’re going. In fact, our Princess of Friendship had one… well. Her first one. From there she… expanded. A lot,” he mumbled. “Never seen a mare who could get so many majors finished so quickly...”
The unicorn shuffled in her seat. “My parents won’t be happy. They really wanted me to get the general degree. A well rounded education and all that.”
The stallion sighed again. She got the distinct impression he wanted to pick her up and throw her out of his office. “I will call her myself and talk with her. Would that suffice?”
“Y-yes sir...” she said, nodding quickly. “If… they’re okay with it, sure. I’ll do that. Am I excused?”
“Yes. Once it is sorted, I’ll have your new class list delivered to you. You’ll most likely only keep one of your current classes. Dismissed.”
Drifting quickly jumped out of the seat and fled the room as quickly as she could. Though, once she was outside the room, she stopped and started walking at a much slower pace. This was EXACTLY what she wanted. And she’d gotten it served to her on a silver platter… so why did she feel so bad about it?
Because it was being thrust on her because she was doing poorly. She wasn’t getting it because it was what was best for her. She was getting it because they wanted her GONE and they couldn’t just show her the door. And it hurt. It felt like another knife dug into her back. Is this what the rest of her life was going to be like? Given ‘things’ or kicked out of ‘places’ just because of how she was? And yes, it may have been best for her, but what if she couldn’t even find a job?
Maybe the lunar guard really would be a good place for her. She couldn’t imagine the princesses turning her away. It might take her a while to get accepted, if she even could. She didn’t even want to ima--
Wait. No. Princess Luna had mentioned a soldier of her forces who was like her. So it had to be doable through them. And if she could graduate early, and head there immediately, she’d be able to count as an adult when she joined.
She trotted outside and glared back at the door of the school. Fine. IF they didn’t want her, she didn’t want to be here either. She WAS talented. She was very good at her transformation magic, and if she could use that to leverage her way into where she needed to be, she would!
She trotted back to the castle, her head held high. Trying, and failing, to shift that feeling of pain and abandonment into anger.
Of course, the moment she arrived at her room and found a few key letters on her bed, some from home, she felt nothing but dread fill her stomach. She sat on the bed and opened them, reading through slowly.
Her heart started beating faster.
Her mother had given permission to the hospital for her to take hormones and start transitioning. She gave a shriek of pure glee, almost hopping up onto the bed while she read the letter, instead settling for pacing around the room. The pleasure she felt was only amplified further when she found a letter from the Canterlot hospital amongst her mail. Telling her that she had an appointment for this saturday for a quick evaluation before…
That time she was unable to contain her shrieks of glee any longer and galloped around the room, even jumping off the bed. “Yes yes yes yes YES! Finally. I can finally--”
“Miss Petal? Are you okay?” a voice asked. She turned and stared at the guard who had opened the door. Quickly, she dove behind the bed, and tried to hide behind it.
“Y-yes I’m fine I just got some good news please go now!” she squeaked, her cheeks burning with shame.
The stallion gave a small salute, before turning and leaving, the door closing behind him. Drifting couldn’t stop herself from flinging herself down on the bed, reading the letter again. And again.
And again and again and again and again. She was going to finally get started, for real. Her mother was finally approving things. And while she didn’t really believe she’d approve everything, if she could just get things started…
She sighed and looked at the roof. So what if the school didn’t want her? She was going to be a girl. A REAL girl. A pretty, beautiful mare. And even if she had to wait for it, even if it took a while, she was moving forward.
She couldn’t WAIT to tell Aeon and Neon. Even if they wouldn’t be here in time to see the day she got started, she knew they’d support her in spirit. She’d send them a letter before she went to bed. “Eeeeeeeeee!”