//------------------------------//
// The Chapter of Whole Milk: Alt. Ending Cinco (Reluctantly Coauthored by Sunmargarine) 
// Story: Pickles & Milk 
// by moonbutters 
//------------------------------//

So, Spades Duck stood there in shocked silence until Twilight noticed that there was a light (specifically, the light of a ACME Earth Pony Headlamp with built-in Hyper Laser Night Light Bright Technology) that was very much illuminating her and her coltfriend, but she really didn’t care much about Spades, so she used her magic to switch off Spades’s ACME Earth Pony Headlamp with built-in Hyper Laser Night Light Bright Technology. 

And that’s when the fun began. 

Spades flicked his light back on and looked back down the chip aisle, which was now empty. There was no Twilight or Flash. Even the chips were gone. Well, actually there was one thing. A puddle of black goo, halfway down the aisle. 

Spades shivered at the sight, but continued onward to the back of the store where the milk was. on his his way he passed shelves that were eerily empty and dusty. Hadn’t he been there the day before, and the shelves were full? It didn’t take Spades long to find where the milk was supposed to be, but it wasn’t there. Like the rest of the store, the cold section was empty, save for a note on the door. 

...

”Come in, Spades!” read the note out loud, screeching like a banshee. Seriously?. Mmhmmm. Spades immediately decided that going into the cooler was not a good idea and turned to leave. So there. So you want to play this game? Fine.

The note, being magical in origin, noticed that Spades was not entering and screeched at him again, “I haaaave miiilk!” and Spades paused.

But he did not turn around.After heading a few aisles down, the darkness closed around Spades. He could see eyes in the darkness ahead of him, glowing a fierce red. The light of his ACME Earth Pony headlamp with built-in Hyper Laser Night Light Bright Technology should have fully illuminated whatever was staring at him, but the darkness seemed to eat the light.

Spades went to draw his sword but found it missing from his saddlebags.

Jerk. “Guess I’ll do it the old fashioned way,” said Spades, firming up his stance and stepping forward to take... whatever it was head-on.

But the eyes were gone, as was the path in front of him. There was just a wall with another screaming note. 

“We’re sorry we are experiencing technical DIFFICULTIES please WAIT.” shrieked the note. So, Spades sat. And waited.

Five, maybe ten minutes later, the battery of his ACME Earth Pony headlamp with built-in Hyper Laser Night Light Bright Technology died, plunging Spades into almost absolute darkness. The only light he could see was that of a single cooler, empty, standing a ways off in the distance.

Spades had seen enough horror movies. He knew that going in the cooler would be very very bad for him. He would not go.

Spades had nowhere else to go.

Spades could not go in the cooler.

The cooler was the only place Spades could go.

Spades felt a familliar and yet unexpected weight in his saddlebags.

...

He looked over, and in the faint light of the cooler, he could see a jar of pickles and a gallon of whole milk in them. Now all he had to do was get... home. 

Spades got up.

...

He went over to the cooler.

... 

He opened the door.

... 

And he stepped inside the cooler.

It was empty. Nothing but grey walls, and a bit of light from somewhere.

Spades turned and found that the door was gone. He was trapped. But he didn’t panic. Instead, he sat on the floor, and waited.

Time passed. Nothing happened. 

Not sure where to go, eh? Well, let’s see...

Spades got bored quickly. To pass the time, he pulled his duck call from his bag and played that drifting deja vu song on it. Repeatedly. Getting bored with that, he pulled out his other duck call and called his ducks.

“Don’t worry my little duckies, Spadsey will be home soon and after the changelings leave I’ll feed you.

On the other end of the line was a lot of quacking, which Spades Duck listened to intently before replying, “I’m just picking up a few things for Blue.” More quacking. “Sure, you can bite any changelings you see. I gotta go- something’s happening.” A single quack later, Spades hung up.

Your turn.

...I’m not sure where to take this. 

C’mon, just let the words flow like a bad case of the runs after accidentally drinking a whole bottle of laxatives. It’s easy.

Spades stood, and then turned around. Behind him was a mirror. He looked into the mirror.

Oh I know where this is going.

Spades looked and he saw, and he reached out and took the saw. He turned around again to find a table that was not there before. Spades used the saw to cut the table in half, and then put the two halves together to make a whole, or a hole. And then he crawled into the hole.

The hole was dank, dark, and smelled like things you’d rather I not describe, because it’s nasty. 

Table holes are generally nasty.

On and on and on

What?

Nothing. Continue.

Spades crawled out of the hole and fell into some water. It was the sewers.

Lucky for him, there were no changelings in the Canterlot sewer system but there were alligators, for reasons that only the princesses knew. And Spades. Spades knew too. And because he knew, he drew his sword.

The gators were not ordinary gators, however. They were intelligent. Except for Carl the Gator. Carl was a little slow, but his family loved and supported him anyways. At the current time, Carl was off around the royal sewer system, eating a changeling. The rest of the gators near Spades saw the sword and decided to leave him alone. Besides, they were somewhat familiar with Spades already due to him spelunking in the crystal caverns beneath every once in a while. 

Nice addition.

Thanks. 

Spades knew where he was in the sewer system, and he didn’t have to go far to find the ladder that led up to his street. He climbed the ladder and went through the top to find an empty street. It was as if all of the changelings and ponies had disappeared.

Spades’s priority was his wife, so he rushed over to his house and through the front doorframe, which was missing its door. But she wasn’t inside. She wasn’t upstairs, nor downstairs, or even in the basement.

and on and on and on

You sure you’re ok, Moon?

Yeah, I’m fine.

Spades went into his backyard. His duck pond and shovel shed were still there. Spades went up to the pond and got down on his belly to talk to his ducks.

“Lucy, do you know where Blue went?”

There was quacking in reply.

“Yes, I know she’s fat. She has multiple foals inside her, Paul. Don’t be rude. Lucy?”

A duck quacked.

“The toaster? Toasters can’t talk.”

The duck quacked twice.

“Then I will go see for myself.” replied Spades, getting back up. He went back inside and went into the kitchen to find a toaster on the floor and another on the counter. 

He gave the floored toaster a light kick before speaking to the one on the counter. “Lucy said you can talk.”

The toaster spat out a slice of toasted bread, and then said “Yesssss I can talk. And you soon won’t be able to!”

“Yeah, well I don’t care. Where’s my wife?”

“Which one wassss your wife?”

“What do you mean ‘which one’ I mean the one that was in this house!”

“Thissss housssse wasssss empty when I arrived.”

“Why are you answering my questions? I’m your enemy.”

“I wassss told to do ssssso by my queen.”

Spades stomped once, sending a spike of Canterlotian stone shooting up through the floor behind him, almost impaling Queen Kissylips.

“How did you know I was here?” she asked, taking a step back from the rock spike. 

“I didn’t. Lucy did.” A duck poked its head out of Spades’s saddlebags and quacked rudely at Kissylips.

“Stupid duck.”

“On and on.” said the toaster. 

“And on and on.” replied Spades.

...

“I have no clue what you two are on and on about but anyways,” yelled Kissylips, “Toaster! Get him!” The toaster transformed into a changeling and jumped at Spades Duck, but Spades managed to impale it on a rock spike before it got to him. 

“Damn you, pony I don’t know the name of!” shouted Kissylips before running out the front door.

“I’m not dead.” said the impaled changeling. 

“On and on.” said Spades. “And on and on and on.”

...oookay then.

On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on

...

Anyways, Blue Tea was glad that Spades had brought her what she desired, although she complained a little because she wanted the 1% milk and not the whole milk that Spades had gotten. A few months later, Blue gave birth to a pile of foals, all of which were ogre-green and smarter than a fifth grader. Impaled changeling was unimpaled and soon found out later that he was also unemployed, so he went to work at the 8/12 and ended up making a lot of money because changelings eat love and not chips, usually.