//------------------------------//
// Episode 8 
// Story: The Pony Variety Show! 
// by ArdanBlade 
//------------------------------//

The Pony Variety Show!

The excitement of the fans is almost palpable as you wait in line to enter the theatre for the big show, the competition, and the election debate! The audience has swelled to the point that Royal Guards are forced to corral the unruly crowd in, keeping them from flooding into the streets or parking lot. Looking back, you can see ponies and bronies going all the way around the corner, disappearing off behind the side of the theatre.
The line moves so slowly you feel your sanity creeping out your ears. With each step, you're forced to endure comic book debates, celebrity gossip, everypony's favorite anime, and countless other inane topics that fill the air with a dull roar. Step by agonizing step, you approach the doors, filled with excited fans, the smell of Applejack and Pinkie Pie's signature treats, and the promise of the Pony Variety Show! Election Debate, the Singoff, and all the fun, wild antics that accompany the show!
Finally, after the eternity that was the last twenty minutes, you're able to get out of the sweltering heat of the sun, and into the relative cool of the theatre. The snack stand is currently a battleground, with several Applejack's relatives and the Cakes doing their best to keep the demands of the fans satisfied. By the time you fight your way through the crowd up to the counter, at least three fistfights have been abruptly halted by Royal Guards.
Grabbing your treats, you head through the wide doors into a vastly expanded theatre hall, which now features five decks of wrap-around balconies, countless new seats, and the entire theatre seems to have grown disproportionately to the exterior of the building. Scooting through the other pony and brony fans, you manage to squeeze into a seat that you were lucky enough to find closer to the front. Oddly enough, most of the others have avoided this particular spot, and the chair looks brand new. Sitting down, you suddenly feel an uncomfortable sensation, as if projectiles from the stage happen to be aimed at where you sit.
Upon the stage, you see Flim, Flam, and Dr. Whooves emerge, looking about at the vastly improved room.
"I must say, Doctor, that expansion technology really did work wonders with the amount of space we had in here before." Flim comments, gesturing at the enormous balconies.
"It really isn't anything difficult. The technology has been around for centuries actually, and it is quite a shame that more species don't unlock it's secrets." Dr. Whooves answers, smiling out at you all.
"Still, just imagine how many more fans we can fit due to your ingenuity." Flam remarks.
"Oh, you two are just a couple of flatterers. After all, it was your genius that allowed the construction of all that new seating, I only assisted with the available volume of the chamber." Dr. Whooves answers.
Suddenly you feel the need to glance uneasily up at the balconies, a faint creaking sound working it's way into your imagination as you see hundreds of fans all piling onto Flim and Flam's construction project. You really hope they got it right this time.
The three stallions depart from the stage as the lights begin to dim, with bright spots focusing in on the main curtain. Spike slips through them, microphone in claw. "Fillies and gentlecolts, bronies of all ages! Welcome to the big night! We've got elections, the big singoff, and of course, your little ponies! It's the Pony Variety Show!"
The entire stage erupts in showers of light and color as Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts go shooting overhead trailing brilliant rainbows, blazes of fire, and dancing arcs lightning. As the brilliant flashes across the stage dim, you see that the curtain has raised, and hundreds of ponies are now parading across it, all singing in concert with each other as smiles light their faces and costumes of every type flow along in a massive tide.

"It's time for the show-show-show!
Let's get up and go-go-go!
You bronies prepare-pare-pare,
It's our time to share-share-share!
Tonight's the night, everything is flashing bright,
We're up in our best, so come and be our guest!
Come along with our merry band,
As we parade across the land!
Every brony, pony, stallion, colt, filly, mare,
It's a party, a truly grand affair-fair-fair!"

As brilliant musical rhythms flood out from the full orchestra that has risen up behind the parading plethora of prancing ponies, you see the Wonderbolts fly in at each other, kicking off their hooves in midair. Flashes of firework lights burst from the well choreographed collisions, sending sparks raining down over the onlooking crowd.
Cheers and whoops of excitement flood through the audience, as the cheerful onlookers hop up to catch tiny magical sparks in their hands and hooves. Spitfire swoops in low, saluting you all with a wink as she races overhead, just out of the grasp of her nearly rabid fans.

"There's no show like this anywhere-where where!
It's our time to share-share-share!
Tonight's the night, everything is flashing bright,
We're up in our best, so come and be our guest!
In the sky so bright, singing to the earth below,
It's the Pooonyyy Variiietyyy Shooooow!"

Wild applause greets the vast group of performing ponies, who all take a long, deep bow as the curtains sweep closed, concealing them from the cheering audience. All across the room, excited hubbub breaks out as ponies and bronies whisper to each other. Spike emerges again, tapping the mic as he steps forward.
"Welcome back all you wonderful fans of ours! We're always glad to see you here! Today on the Pony Variety Show!, we've got a whole bunch of fun acts, the big election debate with questions from you, and the very first Pony Variety Show! Singoff!"
More applause follows, causing Spike to grin and close his eyes as he extends his claws out, inviting the attention in. "Thank you, thank you! You're a wonderful audience, but seriously, we want to thank each and every one of you for your contributions to the show. Without your support, none of this would be possible."
"Our first act will be a challenge of speed spanning the dimensions as some of the fastest racers from around the multiverse gather together for the ultimate race against our very own Rainbow Dash!" Spike holds out a claw as he leans forward, presenting the speedy pegasus as she dives in for a landing.
"Bring it on! I can't wait to test my speed against the very best! I hope they don't eat too much of my dust!" Rainbow Dash gloats as she rears up, showing off for a number of cameras.
"Haha, that's a big claim, especially against these super speedy characters and… whatever that thing is." Spike answers into the mic as the curtain sweeps aside to reveal the contenders for the first act.

*	*	*

"You're gonna have to do pretty good to keep up with me, pony." The round blue bipedal form of Sonic the Hedgehog announces as a spotlight illuminates him. He gives you a toothy smirk and a thumbs up. "After all, I am the fastest thing alive."
"Oh, we'll see about that!" Rainbow Dash flies up, squinting into his face.
"Hailing from the world of Mobius, Sonic the Hedgehog has been battling the evil Doctor Robotnik since 1991, when he first kicked the round genius' butt on the Sega Genesis. He has a listed top speed of 761 miles per hour unaided-" Spike announces, only to be cut off by Sonic.
"That's 761 listed miles per hour, kid! Those speedometers just can't keep up!" He waggles his finger in his trademark manner.
"Okay, 761 listed miles per hour unaided then." Spike grumbles, then turns to the second figure. "Our second challenger is known as the fastest mouse in all of Mexico! A true runner at heart, he can outwit cats, carry objects several times his weight, and speak in broken english! It's Speedy Gonzales!"
"Arriba, arriba! Andale, andale! Gracias senor Spike. I weel enjoy racing the gringos." The little brown mouse in a sombrero answers.
"Are you kidding me!? I have to race spikey boy and a mouse!? Give me a break!" Rainbow Dash complains, staring at her competition.
"Hahaha! That's not even the most interesting competitor!" Spike laughs, gesturing to the final contestant. "Hailing from across the internet, where it cruises the stars in an endless quest to… uh… go somewhere I guess, it has no known home, no known top speed, and it doesn't say all that much, even if it never stops talking, the Nyan Cat!"
"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan." The little grey cat bubbles to a catchy jingle, it's poptart body spewing a trail of rainbows behind it as it zips around the stage.
"Thank you, Nyan Cat." Spike says, then turns his finger next to his head and whistles.
"I theenk that gato is loco en la cabeza." Speedy comments.
"Bahahahahaha!" Rainbow Dash falls over laughing, pointing at the silly creature. "That is supposed to race me!? You gotta be joking!"
Sonic merely shakes his head, frowning at the bizarre creature.
"Well, if all is said and done, let's get this race started!" Spike yells as the holoprojectors activate.
Behind the contenders, a massive, rolling hill scape spreads off into the distance, followed by looming mountains. The course has a long, winding trail running through a forest, up into those high, forbidding peaks, and then back across a flatland to the finish line.
"Alright, we want a good, clean race!" Spike announces. "Running or flying, but airborne contestants must stay now higher than twenty feet off the ground. Shortcuts are not allowed. Now on your marks!"
The contestants quickly take their places at a red line at the beginning of the footpath, save for Nyan Cat, who is still flying aimlessly in circles.
"Get set!" Spike yells as contestants lower themselves in preparation for the first sprint.
"You're gonna eat my dust, pony." Sonic whispers.
"Hah! In your dreams!" Rainbow Dash shoots back with a smile.
"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan!" Nyan Cat interrupts.
"Go!" Spike fires a flare gun!
With that, Nyan Cat shoots off like a rocket, leaving the other contestants surprised and distracted by the odd creature's interruption.
"Arriba!" Speedy yells as he shoots off like a dart after the lead flyer.
"Oh, that was dirty!" Sonic complains as he races up to speed. "Good thing I'm the fastest thing alive!" He quickly overtakes Speedy, then Nyan Cat as his legs carry him faster and faster.
"Nice job, hog boy! Too bad you're not as fast… as me!" Rainbow Dash, unhindered by the hills, goes soaring over the ground, her own velocity carrying her ahead of the ground bound hedgehog. She looks back, sticking out her tongue at the runner.
"Wait!" Sonic calls, reaching out a hand as if to stop her.
"Yeah righ-" Rainbow Dash's headlong flight sends her crashing into a tree.
"Told ya!" Sonic laughs as he runs past the pegasus. "Now to win this!"
"Ahahahaha! Arriba! Goodbye Senor Hedgehog!" Speedy whoops gleefully as he passes the front runner, waving as he goes.
"Oh no, I'm not gonna get beaten by a mouse!" Sonic growls, speeding up as he races through the woods after the hispanic rodent. His legs start rotating so fast that they turn into a whirling blur, carrying him faster and faster through the trees.
"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan." The poptart shaped cat's voice echoes behind him as it closes with him, apparently completely unhindered by the trees.
"Looks like this race needs to be kicked into overdrive!" Sonic says, lowering his head and speeding up even more. He shoots past Speedy as he races up the slope of the mountains. "Haha! Nobody can catch me now!"
"Think again!" Rainbow Dash yells, her own velocity pressing the sound barrier as she shoots past him, zipping up the trails to the top of the mountain range.
"Oh no you don't!" Sonic calls after her, reaching into his pack. He pulls out a glowing golden ring. "Time to show this pony what speed really means!"
Rainbow Dash suddenly finds herself in a bind. The bend that she has to turn around is too sharp to remain at speed, forcing her to slow down. Just as she's making the turn, Sonic shoots past her like a bolt, racing back down the mountain in a blue blur.
"See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" He calls after her as he disappears in the distance.
"Darn it! I gotta catch him!" Rainbow Dash groans. "Only one chance!"
Now with a handy lead, Sonic grins as he looks out over the flatlands and the final stretch. "It's all home free from here! Too bad that pony was no match for me. Aw, who am I kidding? I knew I was the fastest the whole time!"
Suddenly his concentration breaks as a loud explosion erupts behind the confident hedgehog! A streak of rainbow trailing behind her, Rainbow Dash explodes past him at hypersonic speeds! Shooting out across the finish line, the pegasus laughs victoriously.
"No way!" Sonic gasps as he skids to a stop behind her, placing his hands on his knees as he fights for breath. "How did you do that!?"
"Oh, I'm just that awesome!" Rainbow Dash grins, her chest swelling with pride.
"Congratulations, senorita! You is muy rapido!" Speedy offers with a smile.
"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan." Nyan Cat announces, whizzing tirelessly by the competitors.
Spike is left standing there blinking. He looks down at his timer. "Woah, Rainbow Dash, that was awesome! You flew the course in ten seconds flat!"
"What'd I tell ya! I knew I was the fastest!" Rainbow Dash laughs.
"Uh… actually, you weren't." Spike breaks her illusion, causing the blue pegasus to snap her head around at him.
"What!? How can that be!? Who was ahead of me!? I didn't see anypony!"
"Yeah, how can you say that!? There wasn't anyone for miles ahead of us!?" Sonic joins in, looking utterly distraught that he could have been beaten by two competitors.
"The cameraman." Spike answers matter-of-factly, gesturing to a tall, long legged, long necked blue bird with a camera strapped onto it's head.
"Meep, meep!" The curious bird announces, sticking out it's tongue repeatedly, then dashing off in a cloud of smoke.
"You gotta be kidding me…" Rainbow Dash stares in bewilderment.
"You and me both, sister." Sonic answers.
The red curtains sweep shut, hiding the shocked contestants as the first act comes to a close.

*	*	*

A short intermission is called as stage-ponies race about, setting up a wide array of cameras and lighting equipment. Off behind the stage, you can hear even more activity going on as the crews rework the area for the election debates. Deciding to rise from your seat, you plunge back into the crowd, seeking snack food and other refreshments from the lobby, where the service ponies are working overtime to meet the orders.
After squeezing around one particularly big brony, you manage to snatch an order of something tasty, then press back through towards the theatre doors. Down in the hall, you hear some debating going on between the candidates, along with Twilight Sparkle, who is clearly trying to convince them that her organized plan needs to be followed.
It takes you a few minutes to wrestle your way through the crowd, back down to the seat that you so valiantly fought for. Crossing the dark rows, you manage to situate yourself once again in the plush chair. All around you, the milling crowd begins to settle once again as the stage lights up and the curtains draw back revealing a stunning array of banners declaring the election of the various candidates waiting behind their podiums.
On the far left, Princess Celestia stands with Cadence to her right behind the first podium. They are followed by Luna and Discord, sharing the second with a little grumbling. Queen Chrysalis stands behind the third, with Pinkie Pie hanging upside down from the curtains over her head. The Flim Flam Brothers stand behind the fourth, their new Terrific Taskmaster Transport Ten-Thousand waiting with rumbling whistles in the background. The fifth podium is decorated up in bright, whirling lights and reflective streamers, behind which stands Trixie, along with her new OC running mate, a purple maned, red pegasus named Darkened Flame. The eager OC is holding up a sign that says 'Call me RD', followed by a phone number. In the next spot, Iron Will poses dramatically, the quivering Bon Bon standing next to him, looking for all the world like she wants to bolt. After them comes the very last spot, where Captain Literal, a white pegasus with a red and purple mane, poses dramatically.
"Thank you all for coming for the big debate." Spike says to the candidates, looking from right to left. "As you all know, the electoral process has never quite been used in this manner. The decisions of the voters will decide, for the first time in Equestrian history, who is worthy to be our supreme ruler!"
"Now, to start out, I will ask a question submitted by the fans, and you all may answer it as you see fit." Spike explains, gesturing back towards you. "Remember, if you want to get votes, you must answer well."
Pulling out cue cards, the little dragon squints at the text, then asks the first question. "Alright, the first question is…" Spike squints one eye and hunches over, grating his voice as best he can.
"What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"Ooh, ooh! I know this one!" Luna calls cheerfully, practically hopping up and down behind her podium as she waves her hoof in the air like a schoolhouse filly. "What do you mean? An African or European swallow?"
Spike straightens up, looking perplexed. "Uh, I dunno? Woooaaaah!" With a flash of magic from an unknown source, he is hurled from the stage. He soars over your head momentarily, only to crash into somepony off behind you. The audience bursts out laughing as the now grumbling Spike makes his way back up to the stage.
"Huh… shoulda seen that one coming." He coughs officiously into the mic, trying to conceal his wounded pride. "Okay, next question. This one is for one of our esteemed Princesses. Since Luna has already given an answer…" He rubs his head tenderly, bringing on another short bout of laughter. "…we shall let Princess Celestia have the floor."
"Thew question is, what has changed in Equestria over the millennia? Particularly since most of our technology still seems to be stuck in the dark ages, save for a few inventors like Flim and Flam?" Spike questions, ignoring the grins growing on the aforementioned brothers' faces as they glance at each other.
"That is a wonderful question, Spike." Celestia answers, putting on her best face. "I would wish to point out that in distant times, ponies lived in whatever simple homes they could construct themselves, without many modern conveniences such as electricity for light, ovens for baking, and clocks. Let us not forget useful things like glass lenses, steam powered locomotives, phonographs, cameras, and other important inventions as such. It is thanks to inventors like Flim and Flam throughout Equestrian history who have provided many wondrous things for us all."
"And I needn't remind you how quickly all of that could go away too…" She whispers under her breath, not realizing that the mic was still picking up.
"Great answer!" Spike announces cheerfully, almost too cheerfully. "Let's see, our next question is for Discord. With your recent breakout of prison, you have had a number of conflicts with Princess Celestia, and all of Equestria for that matter. With this in mind, do you know that ruling a country, let alone all of our universe, means more than simply giving us chocolate rain? How will Luna deal with it, knowing you are a permanent source of chaos?"
"The questioner would also like to add that it takes a lot of power to make reality freak out like you do." Spike finishes.
"Well, well, well. A thoughtful question! I must admit I am surprised, but not unprepared for such a query. After all, the questioner forgets that I was once god over Equestria, and I think my approach will be just fine. Sure, I may commit to a few more equitarian causes than I had in the past, but I like to think of our coming to power as a force for change from the boring old norm. After all, who doesn't like to discover that their crops are putting out one thousand fold, or that money really does grow on trees?"
"Huh, I never thought of it that way." Spike answers, a claw to his lips. "Well, moving on. Queen Chrysalis, since you already rule a hive of changelings, why do you feel the need to rule over Equestria as well? Don't you think that your attempt at taking the capitol will hurt others opinions of you, especially seeing how your very nature is deception? Can you offer anything up to the citizens to make it worth voting for you, and what will you expect in return?"
"It's quite simple, really. They already know that I intend to conquer them, so why not accept my leadership now instead? After all, won't having me mean an end to the incompetent tyranny of Celestia? They all know who and what I am, so why should they fear my nature?"
"As for what I intend to do, it is quite simple. For millennia, the changelings have been rejected, abused, and outcast from every land and society. I intend to make us all equals, so that my kind will never be discriminated against again!"
Chrysalis looks over at Celestia with a teasing smile. "After all, isn't peace and harmony your so-called promise? So where is it for all of the second-class citizens of your vaunted realm? It's not even just us, but the donkeys and mules of society, who get made fun of by ignorant, selfish ponies every day! You push around others like they are lesser, and ignore their cries for equality!" She gets herself more worked up, until she is slamming on her podium with each statement.
"Enough!" Celestia yells back, nearly deafening you with her own Canterlot Voice. "I may have to sit through this humiliating election, but I do not need to be lectured by you!"
The debaters look ready to come to blows when Spike intervenes. "Thank you both for your thoughts, but we must move along. Now Trixie, the questioners seem to want to know how your attitude will change if you become Ruler of Everything. With all of the sore, upset ponies you left behind you in Ponyville after the Ursa Minor incident, do you really think you can win their confidence back?"
"The Great and Powerful Trixie knows that her efforts will be sufficient to impress any citizen of Equestria. My assistant has even prepared a slogan to show our commitment to those whom I will rule over." Clapping her hooves together, she calls for her running mate. "Assistant, share the slogan."
Darkened Mane steps up, clearing his throat officiously. "When you vote for Celestia, she'll get the best of ya. When you vote for the moon, you'll meet your doom. That Discord, well he's evil no doubt, and Iron Will will just go and pout. But Trix is the only fix! Vote for Trixie for Ruler of Everything! I love you Rainbow Dash!"
The other candidates just sit there, staring at the Vice-Ruler candidate in mute confusion, save for Discord, who is busy doing his nails with an elephant. Off to one side, you notice Rainbow Dash rolling her eyes, her forehooves folded in front of her chest. "Oh please…"
"Well that was… uh…  interesting." Spike looks just as unsure how to respond as the rest. "Moving on, Flim and Flam, your question is next. With your hooves already in the world of innovation, why do you want to get mixed up in politics? After all, with your focus as businesscolts, don't you think you're more suited to selling product than running a whole universe? What do you hope to gain from this, and what are you offering to everypony?"
"As you know," Flim begins, "our business model is not restricted to innovations alone, and widespread application of new technologies need to be implemented in order for true growth."
Flam takes up the reins. "We plan to industrialize every form of industry, bringing in new markets for Equestrians to build."
"We'll improve commerce with our neighboring kingdoms." Flim adds.
"Expand into the multiverse, bringing in bronies to enjoy all of the luxury and relaxation that pony society has to offer!" Flam puts in.
"And of course," they say together, "make a whole lot of money doing it!"
"I guess that's okay." Spike replies, looking a little awkward. He promptly looks over at the right side of the stage, whispering to somepony behind the curtains. "That's legal, right?"
"Spike! Focus!" The mysterious mare replies.
"Oh, right! On to the next question!" Spike checks the cards again, then looks up at Iron Will. "Iron Will, are you simply using this race to inflate your own ego, or do you really plan to fix things around the universe? Leading everypony is a much bigger job then providing confidence building workshops for ponies. Do you really know what you're getting into?"
"Iron Will is confident in his ability to lead. Ever since I was a little calf, I conquered every challenge I set my eye on. Nopony pushed Iron Will around, no obstacle was too difficult for him to overcome. I'm so confident in fact, that I guarantee you all a better world, or I'll step down, and eat my Vice-Ruler to boot!" He eyes you all, challenging you to doubt in his methods.
Hearing the minotaur's last promise, Bon Bon faints clean away from shock. Suddenly the soft, green form of Lyra shoots up onto the stage as she rushes to her friend's defense. Iron Will catches her head, holding her back from him.
"Let go of Bon Bon, you hand-having freak! Gimmie back my friend!" Lyra yells, swinging her hooves impotently at the minotaur.
"Iron Will bores of this challenge." He replies with a yawn, then hefts up Lyra by the head with one hand. "Let's see just how far Iron Will can make a pony fly!"
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Lyra squeals as Iron Will hurls her down the center aisle, sending her crashing through the doors into the lobby.
Brushing off his hands, he gives you a thumbs up and a wink. "Iron Will will crush the competition!"
"Uh huh. Well, with only one candidate left, it looks like you're up, Captain Literal!"
"I am ready! Throw your best question at my, for I will surely triumph over mere words!" The OC answers dramatically.
"Okay, what sort of measures do you plan to use in the defense of Equestria?" Spike shoots, watching eagerly for the response.
"I am the best defense, which also means I am a good offense! There's no part of defense that's beyond me! I could be a one-pony sports team! Equestria, and all of everything will be safe under my eyes."
"Woah, you can see all of everything, like with super vision!? That's amazing!" Spike exclaims in surprise.
"What? No, I only have television. My favorite channel is HBO!" Captain Literal replies, his voice still resounding heroically. Somewhere behind the stage, you hear a facehoof.
"Ah, yeah. Okay, we'll move on now." Spike's expression goes from awed to annoyed. "So Iron Will, do you use steroids?"
"Iron Will is insulted that anypony would think that these ROCK- HARD- PECS- were anything but raw, intimidating muscle built by hard work and grueling training!" The minotaur boasts, flexing his chest muscles in quick, snapping gestures.
"That's good." Spike replies, then looks back out at all of you. "Remember kids, drugs are no way to win."
He returns his attention to the candidates. "So, for those of you who haven't run a nation before, what kind of experience do you have working in politics? Since you've never had a shot at it before, what will give you the ability to rule everything?"
"Why, ingenuity, skilled practice, and a stick-to-itiveness that just won't quit, my good reptile!" Flim replies first.
"Besides, we have been in business for years, managing all a manner of things. Do you really think we got world famous for nothing?" Flam adds.
"Oh snore, you two have no talent next to the Great and Powerful Trixie! With my magic and talents, I will master the political system, just as I did with show business. My hard working assistant will also be there to ensure that everything runs smoothly." Trixie explains, eyeing the brothers.
"Iron Will scoffs at your pitiful attempts at impressing us. To truly manage a nation, you must first make everypony believe in your abilities. With Iron Will's tried and true leadership program, I will teach ponies how to manage themselves, becoming an efficient, powerful, unstoppable nation!"
"Hah, I have you all beaten!" Captain Literal announces, digging underneath his podium, from which he pulls out a foot-long piece of wood with little markers on it. "For I have this! With the power of the ruler, I will truly rule supreme!"
Discord promptly bursts out laughing, applauding wildly as he sags against the curtains for balance. "I haven't heard a joke that good in forever! You sir, deserve a prize!" He snaps his fingers, causing a hot air balloon with a whoopee cushion for it's air bag to appear.
"Huzzah! A mode of transit! This day is most fortunate indeed!" Captian Literal jumps into the balloon, pulling the ripcord to propel the awkward vehicle forward. With an enormous farting noise and a flood of gas that smells like pine, the vehicle hurls itself into the air, racing around the room before colliding with the fourth balcony with a resounding crash!
Stumbling from the wreckage, Captain Literal manages to pull himself upright, his voice wobbling as he tries to deliver yet another cheesy line. "Don't worry ef- everypony, I only broke my spine…" With that, he collapses in a heap.
"Could we get somepony to go help the Captain? I think he took that last one kinda hard." Spike comments, looking up at the wrecked balloon.
"I knew this was a bad idea." Another OC, this one an earth pony with a tan coat and a short, dark brown mane, emerges wearing a pair of aviators. He calls up to Captain Literal. "Did you remember to land on your head!?"
"I don't remember!" The injured OC replies.
"Thank you, Sergeant Sarcasm. Alright, let's get back to the questions, shall we?" Spike asks, looking out at all of you. Turning back to the candidates still on the stage, he asks the next question. "This one's for Princess Luna. How do you get your mane so gorgeous looking?"
Luna's eyes go wide as she tries to comprehend the question. "What does this have to do with rulership?"
"Dunno, that's just what they asked." Spike replies with a shrug.
Straightening up, the Princess puts on her regal bearing as she answers. "I have been blessed with star flecked hair, a part of my bond with the heavens themselves. If you really must know though, I do happen to use L'Oreal, because I'm worth it."
"Aha. Well, good tips for you mares looking for a little shine out there!" Spike reads the next card, a surprised look crossing his face. "We have another question for Captain Literal."
"Never fear… Cap… Captain Literal is here..!" The battered candidate declares as his companion helps him back to the stage.
"Okay, Captain, here it goes. If you could change any one thing in particular as ruler, what would you change?"
Placing his hooves on either side of his podium, Captain Literal does his best to make a heroic stand. "I would find a way to be able to spend time with my subjects! One problem with your Princesses, they never were able to spend time with their subjects and get to know them more! So I'll change that so you all get to spend time with el numero uno!"
"Hmm… okay, that was interesting. So how's about we get some crowd reactions on this?" He turns to face you, mic in claw.
Hands and hooves fly into the air as ponies and bronies jockey for the chance to ask a question. After looking about, Spike points out a random brony. "How about you?"
"Princess Celestia! You promised the ponies and bronies of this world longer days! Will that not cause jealously to rise again within your sister, Luna? Doesn't that show that you still haven't learned your lesson and that you are, in reality, a tyrant who can get away with anything with no consequences? Why did you choose Twilight Sparkle as your as campaign manager who has no experience in such things?" You hear Twilight Sparkle, somewhere behind the curtains, gasping in indignation at the random questioner's comment.
"You seem to be very biased when choosing things! Will we find your friends on the councils instead of suitable ponies and bronies? And are you racist against humans? 'Frivolous human spending' Hmm? I think you are!! Sending ponies and bronies to the moon for incompetence!? YOU TYRANT!"
Through the angry tirade, Princess Celestia stands quietly, listening to the questioner's concerns, a smile creasing her lips. "To answer your question, no, I did not promise longer days. You just imagined it. Second, I am quite confident in Twilight Sparkle, and all she has done for my campaign. Third, I don't recall ever putting anypony in a position of power, though I do like watching you all scramble to put your own representatives in power. It's quite amusing! Fourth, humans do spend too much money, particularly in political circles. I've never taxed my subjects needlessly, and have not raised them since my coronation. Politicians who can't do so need to be duly punished for wasting your money. Fourth, I have already stated that only the most serious crimes, such as baselessly criticizing your current ruler, will receive the moon punishment."
"As such, to the moon with you!" Her horn glows, sending the offending party off into space with a flash of light. She starts to laugh, only to have Cadence interrupt her with a vigorous tapping on her shoulder. The frowning younger alicorn whispers hastily in her ear, making Celestia frown and slump her shoulders.
"Oh fine, I'll put him back." She grumbles, her horn flashing again.
The offending questioner reappears, looking indignant at his treatment. He promptly turns on his savior, continuing his questions. "Princess Cadence! What happens to Shining Armor? How will being married to the Captain of the Guard influence your position? Will you be more vulnerable to giving more money to the Guard and ignore other units stationed all around Equestria? It is very possible for your ability to be used in a more...evil manner. How can you guarantee it will not be used in such a way?"
"Uh, well my marriage with Shining Armor shouldn't have anything to do with the Guard, beyond defense matters… I'm more concerned with social issues, such as the countless broken relationships and broken hearts that are suffered every year. Besides that, I'm not evil and would never use your money in an unreasonable manner." She sounds visibly shaken, stepping back as if to hide from her questioner.
Turning on Luna and Discord, the brony continues his attacks. "Princess Luna! How could you agree with Discord to enslave the Brony population!? As a Brony myself I find this outrageous! Besides, I am a man! I don't produce milk you dolt of a draconequus! Also, sweets at every meal time rot little colts, fillies, and children's teeth! I don't want to live in a world where the next generation all wear dentures when they are twenty! What happens to ponies and people allergic to chocolate? And Discord, with your mud based system don't people that live in more arid environment become poor? Everyone will shift to muddier areas causing overpopulation and death!"
Luna takes a moment to think about a response, then speaks. "I am certain Discord did not mean to actually do any such thing." At this, the draconequus smirks. "We are simply trying to end tyranny, bring about a new regime, and create fairness for our subjects."
"Blah blah blah, your needs." Discord mocks, pressing past Luna. "There's nothing more fair then chaos, since by no virtue or fault of your own, you will be treated with a random event at all times. I am not a dolt, and you, my friend, happen to be quite well endowed." He snaps his fingers, causing the brony's chest to swell up.
Some of the audience laugh, watching in amusement as the questioner struggles to keep his expanded chest under control. Discord continues. "You seem to forget that I can make any food have as much or as little health value to it as I wish. Take this book for instance." He holds up a heavy phone book. With an unceremonious bite, he devours a portion of it. "Mmm, twelve essential vitamins with no health consequences whatsoever!"
He tosses the book behind him, and is rewarded with squeals at the entire backstage loses it's gravity. "Furthermore, who said anywhere would be more arid than anywhere else? Remember, chaos is all equal opportunity. Mahahahaha. Besides, wasn't it your own Voltaire who once wrote, 'Ce monde est un vaste temple dédié à la discorde.' Or 'The world is a vast temple dedicated to discord.' for those of you uncultured buffoons." He closes with a dark chuckle, tapping his fingertips together.
Having finally gotten his chest back under control, the questioner rounds on the next candidate. "Queen Chrysalis! What keeps the population of this land from becoming basic feeding slaves to your people? Where are our rights? Our privileges? How do we know you won't have changelings in every important post of the government and take control of everything?"
The changeling Queen examines her hoof as if looking over her nails, then looks squarely into the questioner's eyes. "My reign will be about undoing the oppression of generations, fixing a system that has been a curse upon lesser races. We will rise up, take control from the pony majority, and finally get the respect we deserve! I don't care about ensuring pony rights, especially after all the oppression they've put us through! This is our time! We will take it!"
The brony takes a step back, deciding to move on rather than get more of a response from Chrysalis. "Pinkie Pie! You're awesome. Next!"
"Heeheehee! Thank you!" Pinkie answers cheerfully, waving to him.
"Flim and Flam! Everything you make turns against you or causes destruction! You don't even guarantee your machines will work! So how can we trust you mischievous brothers not to tax and corrupt this government for your greedy hooves!? You wanted to kick Applejack out of her own farm! Applejack! You wanted to take advantage of the Element of Honesty? How does that reflect on your morals?"
"Well… uh…" Flam stammers, looking over at his more eloquent brother.
"You see, we don't have the same mentality that we did!" Flim answers, sweat beading on his brow. "Remember, we were trying to aid the Apple family, but they didn't want our help. They couldn't see that our business model would have ensured they doubled their original profits, even after the seventy-five percent drop. It was good business sense, which they just didn't have."
"Of all the… ah aught ta go out there an' give those two a piece of mah mind!" Applejack utters, ready to stomp out onto the stage. She is held back by half a dozen hooves, as stagehands attempt to keep her at bay.
"Also," Flam picks up, "we never said our machines wouldn't work. As long as they are kept within operating parameters, they work fine."
"Does that answer your question, my fine fellow?" Flim asks, only to frown indignantly as the brony moves on.
"Trixie! … Nope! Hehe. Next!" The questioner moves on, clawing an inarticulate sound from Trixie's throat.
"I am the Great and Powerful Trixie! How dare you ignore me!?" She tries to rush off the stage to attack him, but is held back by Darkened Flame.
"Don't let him goad you. It's what he wants." The OC explains, trying to calm his running mate down.
"Iron Will! Becoming Ruler of Everything is not some way to inflate your ego! Get off before Zangief leads the revolution to take you down! And I ain't talkin' downtown, I'm talking 6 feet underground!" The brony taunts, bringing splutters of rage from the minotaur.
"Iron Will is not doing this for an ego trip! I will crush your Zangief next time we meet in the ring!"
"Yeah yeah, sure." The questioner waves him off, bringing a fresh, red wave of steam to the minotaur's head. "Bon-Bon... How has Lyra not rescued you, yet?"
Peering out from behind the podium, Bon Bon merely whimpers, glancing up at Iron Will.
Clearing his throat, the brony grins. "Well that should be just about all my questions! Oh except one! Hey, Twilight! Wanna hang out? I'd love to discuss Equestrian History with you!"
Twilight emerges from behind the stage, her face indignant. "You want to hang out? You insult my skills as a political organizer, criticize my mentor baselessly in front of an audience of thousands, insult my friends and co-workers, and you want to HANG OUT!?"
With an enormous burst of magic, both Twilight and the questioning brony disappear. The room goes silent, with Princess Celestia being the only one smiling. "I taught her everything she knows!"
"Well, that got way out of hand." Spike comments, shaking his head. He turns to the candidates. "Thank you all for attending the debate! We'll see who wins at the big election!"
The curtains sweep closed, and Derpy emerges with an intermission sign, causing a mass exodus to the restroom and snack counters. At least the debate is over!

*	*	*

As you re-enter the theatre, you see that the entire room has been redone! The orchestra has been replaced by a battery of lights and a sound team, the stage has gone from hardwoods and red curtains to polished laminate floors and lighting gantries. The holoprojectors are active too, shifting through a dozen different scenes as they prepare for projection.
Nervous candidates peer out onto the stage as they await their turns for the Pony Variety Show! Singoff competition. The crowd whispers eagerly, awaiting the opening acts for what promises to be an interesting round of music.
"Fillies and gentlecolts, bronies of all ages! Welcome to the very first Pony Variety Show! Singoff!" Spike announces as he waddles onto the stage, dressed in a dapper tuxedo and hat, with a fine mustache gracing his upper lip. "From all around the brony community, your OCs will come onstage to show their stuff and compete for your votes! Now let's get this show started!"
Applause fills the room as the holoprojectors flare to life, setting the stage in an apartment, blued lighting making the whole scene look glum and cold.
The first OC, a white pegasus stallion with an ice blue mohawk and tail that spike towards his back steps out onto the stage, a confident smile set upon his face. "Hi, everypony. I'm Freezing Cold. I have been searching long and hard for my one special somepony. I have known her for years, but haven't been able to tell her. I don't care if it isn't Hearts and Hooves Day, or won't be for a while, but I'm still searching for her. She probably won't be here, or at the next place I do one of these, but if you're here, Chamomile, this song is for you."
An acoustic guitar begins to play, thrumming out a rhythm as the cool lights beam down upon the stage.

"I wanna be drunk when I wake up,
On the right side of the wrong bed,
And every excuse I made up,
Tell you the truth I hate,
What didn't kill me,
It never made me stronger at all."

Freezing sings slow and low to the rhythm of the song, looking just a bit distraught as he sits back upon a couch, surrounded by dirty laundry. A scattered series of photographs are spread upon a coffee table before him, showing pictures, presumably of the pony he is looking for.

"Love will scar your make-up lip sticks to me,
So now I'll maybe leave back there,
I'm sat here wishing I was sober,
I know I'll never hold you like I used to."

"But our house gets cold when you cut the heating,
Without you to hold I'll be freezing,
Can't rely on my heart to beat it,
'Cause you take part of it every evening,
Take words out of my mouth just from breathing,
Replace with phrases like when you're leaving me."

Freezing Cold rises from where he's seated, wandering about the apartment. His eyes fix to places where tender moments might have happened, a faint glimmer of longing in his deep blue eyes.

"Should I, should I? 
Maybe I'll get drunk again,
I'll be drunk again,
I'll be drunk again,
To feel a little love,  
I wanna hold your heart in both hands,
I'll watch it fizzle at the bottom of a Coke can,
And I've got no plans for the weekend,
So shall we speak then, 
Keep it between friends, 
Though I know you'll never love me like you used to."

Scooping up a can, he stares at the beer's label for a long moment, as if contemplating it's contents. Then, with a quick pull of the tab, he takes a long swig from the tall can before returning to his song.

"There maybe other people like us,
You see the flicker of the clip when they light up,
Flames just create us, burns don't heal like before, 
You don't hold me anymore."

"On cold days Coldplay's out like the band's the name,
I know I can't heal things with a hand shake,
You know I can't change as I began saying, 
You cut me wide open like landscape,  
Open bottles of beer but never champagne, 
We'll applaud you with the sound that my hands make."

Freezing trots towards the edge of the stage, letting his feelings pour out as he sings out the contents of his heart, his eyes seeming to search the audience, as if to catch a glimpse of the pony he pines for.

"Should I, should I? 
Maybe I'll get drunk again,
I'll be drunk again,
I'll be drunk again,
To feel a little love."

With a long sigh, Freezing hangs his head, plodding slowly away from you. He hangs his head, then settles back upon the couch, his eyes fixing upon another beer can sitting jut within hoof's reach.

"All by myself,
I'm here again, 
All by myself,
You know I'll never change,
All by myself, 
All by myself, 
I'm just drunk again, 
I'll be drunk again, 
I'll be drunk again, 
To feel a little love."

The song comes to a close as the blued lights dim, then come up as Freezing Cold steps up to the edge of the stage again, a smile upon his face. Applause rings out over the audience, cheers breaking through and more than a few mares try to rush the stage, calling out their love and perhaps a phone number or two.
"Thank you all!" Freezing Cold calls out, waving to everypony as he heads back behind the curtains.
"Wasn't that wonderful, everypony!?" Spike asks, holding the mic out for the audiences' response. The shouts and screams of approval boom out over the audio system, flooding your senses with energy and enthusiasm. "We'd like to extend a special thank you to codejunkie and his OC, Freezing Cold for their participation today!"
"Our next act belongs to our very own Captain Literal, and his OC of the same name, rapping to his own home written lyrics! Give it up for the Captain!" Spike sidesteps, holding out his arm in presentation as another applause ripples through the crowd.
The stage floods with lights of various colors as the pegasus enters the stage, looking somewhat less battered for all of the wear he'd suffered during the debate.
"Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I'll be rappin' for this one!" He announces as a heavy bass beat begins to thrum in the background.

"Hey everybody, it's me, the one who is gong to make this competition less boring.
My name is Captain Literal, the not very critical.
But I'm still a lot of fun, so just sit back son."

The Captain bobs his head in time with the beat, sliding shades over his eyes, then folding his hooves in front of his chest as he moves with the music.

"It is time to bring...erm... something strange, that had a lot of range?
Anyway, back down business, lets get together, and snack on biscuits.
Okay I may have forgotten the rest of this song, 
It may have something to do with me spending all last night playing ponykong.
What? it is a very fun game, one that drives the Sarge insane!"
Have you meet him? Well he is my best friend!
I would never trade im', right to the very end!
But enough about him, it is time for the big finale.
This is gonna be cooler, than the air in a bowling alley!"

Launching himself into the air, the pegasus begins flying in tight, circling sweeps, causing a whirlwind to start sucking up stage props and throwing them all about the room.

"Big time, bring in the tornado!
Gonna smack down these lyrics like I do a tomato!"

Suddenly, he loses control, spinning out of his own whirlwind. With a cry of dismay, he goes hurtling into one of the walls, slamming hard into it, then slumping headfirst to the floor. "Owchie… Don't worry I'm okay folks!"
The whirlwind, however, doesn't seem interested in ending it's destructive run. It careens across the stage, jumps into the pit, hurls lighting fixtures up through it's funneled top, then leaps into the audience. Ponies and bronies are sucked unceremoniously from their seats, flung all about, and landing upon other audience members. The destructive column of air slows, then vanishes before it gets to you, but your good fortune ends in a shower of popcorn and soda.

*	*	*

It takes several minutes for you to get cleaned up from your impromptu bath. You come out and resume your seat just as the stage crew finishes their cleanup.
"Sorry about the wait, but we all know how crazy this show can get." Spike says as he steps up. "Our next act will be performed by Infernus, the OC of Hellpony. Without further ado, let's welcome him in, folks!"
A round of applause and cheers sound out for a black unicorn with lava-like red marks upon his body. He has a red and black mohawk, and his tail looks like a jet of flame with a black core. He grins in a calm, yet sinister feeling manner, his slitted red eyes probing you.
"Greetings everybrony! First off, I want to thank Celestial for releasing me just to perform for your sick pleasure. Now the song I've pick is a personal favorite of mine, and one you Luna should be familiar with."
The holoprojectors begin displaying scenes of men and ponies in military gear across the background, preparing themselves for battle with sword and spear, firearms and kevlar, each ready to face death. An electric guitar begins to thrum as the song plays out a deceptively calm rhythm over the audience. 

The song opens with Strother Martin's famed quote, his soft tone setting the stage for the song. "What we've got here is failure to communicate.Some men you just can't reach... So, you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it! Well, he gets it! N' I don't like it any more than you men."
The red unicorn slowly sings as the rhythm plays, his words carrying through the crowd, almost as if he were reciting a a quote rather than singing.

"Look at your young men fighting,
Look at your women crying,
Look at your young men dying,
The way they've always done before."

"Look at the hate we're breeding,
Look at the fear we're feeding,
Look at the lives we're leading,
The way we've always done before."

The music begins to beat faster as Infernus leans forward, his voice sharpening and hitting a much higher pitch as the song breaks into a rapid rhythm. The scenes become more violent as it displays soldiers rushing to their deaths upon battlefields, surrounded by explosions. Ponies charge into battle, spears shining as they crash into a line of griffons. The two sides tear into each other, with individuals falling on both sides.

"My hands are tied,
The billions shift from side to side,
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride,
For the love of God and our human rights!
And all these things are swept aside,
By bloody hands time can't deny,
And are washed away by your genocide,
And history hides the lies of our civil wars!"

"D'you wear a black armband,
When they shot the man,
Who said, "Peace could last forever"?
And in my first memories,
They shot Kennedy,
I went numb when I learned to see.
So I never fell for Vietnam,
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all,
That you can't trust freedom,
When it's not in your hands.
When everybody's fightin',
For their promised land."

"And I don't need your civil war!
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor!
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers,
In a human grocery store,
Ain't that fresh?
I don't need your civil war!"

Infernus' voice dulls once again as the song slows. The jamming guitar follows suit, now just thrumming a calm rhythm.

"Look at the shoes your filling,
Look at the blood we're spilling,
Look at the world we're killing,
The way we've always done before.
Look in the doubt we've wallowed,
Look at the leaders we've followed,
Look at the lies we've swallowed,
And I don't want to hear no more."

The beat picks up again, followed quickly by Infernus, who leans forward, nearly carrying the mic stand he is gripping to the floor as he sings deep, his eyes squeezing tight shut with passion.

"My hands are tied!
For all I've seen has changed my mind,
But still the wars go on as the years go by,
With no love of God or human rights!
'Cause all these dreams are swept aside,
By bloody hands of the hypnotized,
Who carry the cross of homicide,
And history bears the scars of our civil wars!"

Another quote breaks the thrumming pound of the music. "We practice selective annihilation of mayors and government officials, for example to create a vacuum. Then we fill that vacuum. As popular war advances, peace is closer."

"I don't need your civil war,
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor!
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers,
In a human grocery store,
Ain't that fresh?
And I don't need your civil war,
I don't need your civil war,
I don't need your civil war!
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers,
In a human grocery store,
Ain't that fresh?
I don't need your civil war,
I don't need one more war!"

"I don't need one more war!
Whaz so civil 'bout war!?"

The song comes slowly to a close, drawing out the quieting electric guitar as Infernus lays down upon the stage, his head rising with dramatic slowness as he stares at the audience. Then, without any further words, he rises from where he lay walking quietly from the stage. Lights come back up as applause thrums through the audience.
"What a performance! Thank you for coming out to share with us, Infernus! We'll let you know the results when we get the votes in!" Spike calls after the frightening pony. "Our next act comes from another of our contributors, TheAssumingMage's OC, Triverus Agon Mage. Please welcome him to the show!"
More cheers and applause greet the light blue pegasus, who's white mane and tail hang naturally from his back. He does not speak as he steps out onto the stage, clearing his throat before the mic. A random beat made from instruments crossed with zany tool effect sounds begins to play as the holoprojectors turn the stage into what appears to be a Home Depot aisle. A small quartet of backup singers hit the chorus words as Mage sings the fast paced, random lyrics.

"Nothing ever (ever) happens in this town,
Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here,
I thought that I would go right outta my mind,
Until a friend told me the news."

"He said, "(Hey), you know that vacant lot,
Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it,
And on the spot they're gonna build a shop,
Where we can go buy bolts and screws"."

"Since then I've been walking on air (air),
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair,
'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care,
I've been waiting since last June."

"For this day to finally arrive,
I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive,
'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside,
Well, I hope they open soon."

"I can't wait no, (no I) I can't wait (oh when),
When they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,
Hardware store."

"In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight,
Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out,
I pressed my nose right up against the glass,
You know, I had to be first in line."

"Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom,
Want a pair of pliers for every single room in my house,
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon,
One of them will be all mine."

"Guys with name tags walking down the aisles,
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles,
Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles,
All arranged alphabetically."

"And they're doing a promotional stunt,
There's a great big purple sign out front,
That says every 27th customer,
Will get a ball pein hammer free."

"I can't wait no, (no I) I can't wait (oh when),
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,
Hardware store."

"I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,
Hardware store."

"Would you look at all that stuff ...
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters,
Trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water heaters,
Walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires,
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers,
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters,
Paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters,
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables,
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles,
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication,
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation,
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors,
Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors,
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers,
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers,
Soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers,
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers."

"I can't wait no, (no I) I can't wait (oh when),
When are they gonna open up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,
Hardware store."

"I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,
Hardware store."

"I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,
Hardware store."

Through the entire song, Mage doesn't move an inch save for singing, while the other ponies cavort and dance all about behind him, grabbing random objects as they try to keep up with the song's breakneck pace. The audience sits there in silence, staring at the amazing feat of tongue twisting. Then, with thunderous applause, they whoop and cheer as Mage takes an elegant bow, then retreats slowly from the stage.
"Woah!" Spike laughs. "Remind me never to take him on in a tongue twister! Our next act comes from Tragicom, and his OC of the same name! Please welcome Tragicom!"
Claps and cheers greet the red unicorn who sports a shaggy brown mane and a pair of silver framed glasses. Stepping up to the mic, he greets you all. "Well, hello everypony. Like many of you out there, I am an OC. Whoop-dee-doo for me. I feel that this concept is entirely overused. As such, I doubt I'll see you again after tonight. But, I'll be happy to share a small parody of a classic 'I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General'."
A piano starts playing a comedic little melody as several ponies emerge, wearing frilly white dresses or pirate clothes. The stage is quickly transformed into that of an old english theatre, which has props to make it look like a jungle with a storming sea behind it in the background. Tragicom begins to sing at an incredible pace as he paces back and forth to the tinkle of the rapid flicks of piano keys.

"I am the very model of a My Little Pony OC,
And when I say that I mean that you will not see too much of me.
I'm not some secret alicorn, I don't have some grand destiny,
'Specially considering that mere sports can get the best of me.
I've got decent intelligence, I'm quite the happy thespian,
But I'm no more important than a normal old Equestrian,
In fact if I were in a fic, I'd prob'ly stick to the background,
I might say something clever but I'd norm'lly never make a sound."

The chorus line picks up as Tragicom stops, their voices mingling gleefully.

"He might say something clever but he'd norm'lly never make a sound,
He might say something clever but he'd norm'lly never make a sound,
He might say something clever but he'd norm'lly never, ever make a sound."

Tragicom begins to sing again, and if anything even faster than his last round.

"A unicorn like me is really nothing to write home about,
I'd rather write the characters who've already developed clout,
I truly think that this minor sense of responsibility,
Makes me the very model of a My Little Pony OC."

The chorus comes in again.

"He truly thinks that this minor sense of responsibility,
Makes him the very model of a My Little Pony OC."

Tragicom continues his song, even more rapidly.

"I worship the Princesses, and appreciate their daily work,
I think that I'm a nice guy, I really hope I'm not a jerk.
I'm really not trying to knock everyone else's characters,
But when I read fics that have OC pairings, it is pure torture."

"This is the kind of show that can boast a quite impressive cast,
Admittedly it needs more guys, and it could really use them fast.
That's no reason to add a bunch of newbies to the pony race,
Sure, I like these characters but dating them is not my place."

The chorus returns, still doing their best to match Tragicom's incredible singing speed.

"Sure, he likes these characters but dating them is not his place,
Sure, he likes these characters but dating them is not his place,
Sure, he likes these characters but dating them is really not his place."

Tragicom begins once again, his pacing stopped as he continues to fire away lines with maddening speed.

"So if you were to write another silly pony shipping fic,
The second I see an OC is the moment I choose to back-click.
I truly think that this minor sense of responsibility,
Makes me the very model of a My Little Pony OC."

The chorus is now panting, their struggles showing in wide eyes and sagging breaths.

	"He truly thinks that this minor sense of responsibility,
Makes him the very model of a My Little Pony OC."

Tragicom finally slows his pace, stating his sentences in an almost explanatory manner.

"But… If you want a new character, I'm sure there are good ones out there,
Sadly with all the bad ones I really can't be bothered to care.
So please don't think I wrote these lyrics just so I could try to hate, 
Like all others I try live up to the mantra of "Love and Tolerate".
So OCs all, do your best to go past the silly stereotypes,
Then I might be less likely to write a song listing off my gripes.
Frankly, I have no place unless I were to be drawn on the show,
And if they were to offer, I highly doubt that I would say 'no'."

The chorus gasp through their next set of lines, each one looking exhausted. 

"And if they were to offer, he highly doubts that he would say 'no',
And if they were to offer, he highly doubts that he would say 'no',
And if they were to offer, he highly doubts that he would ever say 'no'."

Speeding up once again, Tragicom shoots through another blistering series of lines.

"So saying I'm best pony is never something I would claim,
The only reason I exist because I really like this name.
So if you enjoyed this song, I bid to you all a fond 'Merci',
From this, the humble model of My Little Pony OC."

The chorus singers gasp through the last of the lyrics, then fall about in a heap from sheer exhaustion.

"So if you enjoyed this song, we bid to you all a fond 'Merci',
From this, the humble model of My Little Pony OC."

Tragicom looks about at all of his co-singers, who are sprawled about, eyes wide and tongues lolling. "Hmm… maybe I should have slowed down a bit."
Applause and cheers flood from the audience as the OC departs, replaced quickly by Spike. "Man, I had no idea that ponies could sing that fast! Maybe he and the last guy are related. Anyway, our next entry is RLYoshi's OC Arrell. Let's give him a hardy round of applause!"
The crowd claps cheerfully for the next contender, a royal blue unicorn stallion sporting a yellow mane and tail flecked with bits of brown. He smiles at you nervously around a pair of black framed reading glasses. Stepping to the front of the stage, he clears his throat, then begins to sing as a piano thrums softly, backed by a thumping beat. The holoprojectors spray illusion over the background, filling it up like a dark alley spreading into a faintly lit street off behind the OC.

"I just couldn't sleep that night,
I laid awake in bed,
Contemplated all the things you said.
Called fate out, I'm like "What the hay?!" 
I can't keep pace, so I kneel forward and beg to God,
You're so far out; screw these legs I've got.
I need wings so I can fly instead,
All my limbs might as well be dead. 
Gosh darn it I wish I could grow a pair,
Far worse pains in the world out there.
Forest flames blot the evening air,
Oppressed crying out with screams of despair,
Yet all I care about is to be in your lair.
Why did God bring you into my life,
Only to have my heart split and sliced? 
Don my facade to keep happy and nice,
But in reality I'm crying hard deep inside." 

"I wanna forget all of our days,
If it spared me the pain, I would even erase,
Every memory cherished, everything we've made,
But nothing undoes the legacy you've created.
Every day I'll always see the same sight,
The ship that woulda been about a dozen a ride,
Infinite colours yet an orange light,
No Photoshopping could make this look right,
No photos shot could bring you to my side.
I wish I could be with you when you are tired,
No need for you to clean the bathroom tiles,
We wouldn't even have to hide our files.
But even if we had to hide our existence, 
At least what we had coulda kept on existing, 
I'm missing a part of me I wish I could fill in,
And so I return to the world I've been killing." 

"The one I woulda lost that night,
Looking back on all those times,
When the world tried to keep me happy, 
Earth so scorched yet smiling gladly.
The one I started taking for granted sadly,
The one I loved so much it was almost campy, 
The one I lived so much in, like always camping, 
The one who brightened me and kept me laughing. 
I wonder if I made the right reactions,
Living through each day, double-checking my actions,
'Cause I wonder if I screwed the last ones.
At a glance, you'd think I don't know who I'm after,
And I'm trying to write a new chapter,
Trying to keep moving forward and faster.
But I don't know if I'm going to last,
So please God again carry me through the sand."

The singing pauses as the nervous OC stares at the stage, doing his best to ignore the countless eyes boring in on him as the music thrums out it's beat. Slowly, Arrell raises his head, eyes filled with emotion as he sings again.

"I just couldn't sleep that night,
I laid awake in bed,
Contemplated all the things you said.
Called fate out, I'm like "What the hay?!" 
I can't keep pace, so I kneel forward and beg to God,
You're so far out; screw these legs I've got.
I need wings so I can fly instead,
All my limbs might as well be dead. 
Gosh darn it I wish I could grow a pair,
Far worse pains in the world out there.
Forest flames blot the evening air,
Oppressed crying out with screams of despair,
Yet all I care about is to be in your lair.
Why did God bring you into my life,
Only to have my heart split and sliced? 
Don my facade to keep happy and nice,
But in reality I'm crying hard deep inside." 

A second interlude passes, this one filled with garbled mumblings of an anguished soul as the lights strobe sending your mind reeling with strange, haunting images. Arrell opens his mouth to sing once more, pouring out his feelings through the notes in the air.

"No photos shot could bring you to my side.
I wish I could be with you when you are tired,
No need for you to clean the bathroom tiles,
We wouldn't even have to hide our files.
But even if we had to hide our existence, 
At least what we had coulda kept on existing, 
I'm missing a part of me I wish I could fill in,
And so I return to the world I've been killing." 

The lights come up to another rousing applause as ponies and bronies cheer for the departing OC. The room slowly lightens up again as Spike steps up. "Wow, what an amazing performance! We really got some great submissions from you guys!"
"Next up, we have Cornlover's OC, River Water. I'd like to extend a special thank you from all of us on the Pony Variety Show! for inspiring this contest in the first place, and for your participation!"
A shy looking blue unicorn filly, just shy of marehood, creeps out from behind the curtains. Brushing back her hair nervously, she uncovers a pair of horns sprouting one over the other from her brow. Her eyes dart back and forth nervously, as if she's unsure of what to do with herself.
"Come on up, River Water! Everypony is waiting!" Spike urges, holding out his claw to the nervous pony.
In response, River slowly approaches, standing before the microphone. Clearing her voice, she straightens up, as if attempting to pull out her nerves. "Hello everypony! I hope I don't make a fool of myself, but this song I sang when my adopted daddy found me and gave me my name."
She takes a long breath, then begins to sing in a high, clear voice. Behind her, the stage takes on the look of a peaceful river flanked by tall, majestic trees. Fish dance in the water, while fowls of many breeds swim serenely across it's surface, or roost quietly upon it's shores. A stag wanders from the woods, leaning forward to sip at the waters peacefully as the music calms and quiets the crowd.

"As I went down in the river to pray,
Studying about that good old way,
And who shall wear the starry crown good Lord,
Show me the way."

"O' sisters lets go down, lets go down, c'mon down,
O' sisters lets go down, down in the river to pray."

"As I went down in the river to pray,
Studying about that good old way,
And who shall wear the robe and crown good Lord,
Show me the way."

"O' brothers lets go down, lets go down, c'mon down,
Come on brothers lets go down, down in the river to pray."

"As I went down in the river to pray,
Studying about that good old way,
And who shall wear the starry crown good Lord,
Show me the way."

"O' fathers lets go down, lets go down, c'mon down.
O' fathers lets go down, down in the river to pray."

"As I went down in the river pray,
Studying about that good old way,
And who shall wear the robe and crown good Lord,
Show me the way."

"O' mothers lets go down, lets go down, c'mon down.
Come on mothers lets go down, down to the river to pray."

"As I went down in the river to pray,
Studying about that good old way,
And who shall wear the starry crown good Lord,
Show me the way."

"O' sinners lets go down, lets go down, c'mon down.
O' sinners lets go down, down in the river to pray."

"As I went down in the river pray,
Studying about that good old way,
And who shall wear the robe and crown good lord,
Show me the way."

As the unicorn's voice calms, settling to the soft rhythms of flowing water. The room is quiet, save for sniffing and happy crying coming from members of the audience. River Water takes a modest bow, her voice almost a whisper as she sniffles back a tear. "Thank you for listening."
A slow, building applause thunders about the chamber as she departs into the back. The holoprojectors fading out the serene scene, to be replaced by a series of colorful lights as Spike steps forward again. "What a great performance! I think I'll get that song in recording for a lullaby myself!"
A smattering of laughter greets Spike's proclamation. He grins, then continues with the announcements. "Next up, Krushnazag has shared his OC, Winding Gearshaft, who will be singing 'The Music of the Night'. Let's give him a round of applause, everypony!"
Clapping greets a proud, sturdily built light brown unicorn stallion as he heads up upon the stage. He grins oddly, proffering up his synthetic right foreleg. The lights dim, showing a deep, hollow cave filled with the light of a thousand candles emerging in the background as he strides closer through the reflections of the flickering glow reflecting off the holographic pool. Without a word, Gears begins singing, the rhythmic flow of an orchestra flowing up around his song.

"Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation,
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination,
Silently the senses abandon their defenses."

"Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor,
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender.
Turn your face away from the garish light of day,
Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light,
And listen to the music of the night."

"Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams,
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before,
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar,
And you live as you've never lived before."

"Softly, deftly, music shall caress you,
Hear it, feel it secretly possess you.
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,
In this darkness that you know you cannot fight,
The darkness of the music of the night."

"Let your mind start a journey to a strange new world,
Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before,
Let your soul take you where you long to be,
Only then can you belong to me."

"Floating, falling, sweet intoxication,
Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation.
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in,
To the power of the music that I write,
The power of the music of the night."

"You alone can make my song take flight,
Help me make the music of the night."

The performance comes to a close as the stallion walks down from the stage into the audience, his eyes fixed upon a mare. Blushing and breathing heavily, she shivers delightedly, her eyes fill with stars at his approach. Gears approaches her, his own eyes shining as he comes to a stop in front of her.
"Shiny…" He mumbles.
The mare, shocked at his response, glances down at her rather opulent necklace, glittering in the dim light. Her head snaps back up, and she plants a hoof squarely across his face. He  reels over, caught off guard as his attention is brought forcefully back to reality.
"Ouch…"
"Ooh, that had to hurt!" Spike calls out, his voice merry despite his attempted sympathy for the stricken OC. "I guess it doesn't help to forget what you're doing during a stage performance."
As laughter settles back down, Spike continues his narrative. "Our next performance will come from DJ Pyro 3's OCs, Facade Quillmane and Etereo, performing their own rendition of Phantom of the Opera! Looks like a popular topic today!"
The lights dim to a deep gloom, showing a spectacularly elaborate dance floor shrouded in the deep folds of night. The sound of a pipe organ begins, filling the dark chamber with a resounding, haunting tune. Stepping slowly from the left side of the stage, a dull magenta earth pony emerges, her blue and orange hair framing a sad, quiet face. She is wearing a beautiful white dress that fits close to her frail, lovely form. Opening her mouth slowly, she begins to sing.

"In shadows he does hide, on gala night.. 
The dreams he promised me...they called my name... 
And though I search for him...In night he hides... 
The Phantom of the Gala has arrived... 
To take my heart..."

A hauntingly striking voice answers from the darkness, resounding amongst the dim rafters of the chamber, giving it an almost ethereal quality. His voice is strong, deep and powerful. 

"Dance once again with me... 
Our strange ballet... 
Your power over me...grows stronger yet... 
And though you turn away...to glance behind... 
The Phantom of the Gala hides away... 
Behind the night…"

The mare sings out again, her own voice mixing elements of fear and fascination in equal measure as she calls out into the darkness. She turns her head, searching as her body twists about in elegant motions, turning her seeking into an elaborate ballet upon the marble floor.

"No one has seen your face... 
Rumors have spread... 
The mask you duly wear…"

"Holds back my shame…" The mysterious stallion answers, emerging from the darkness, his face clothed in a white mask. His sandy blond man hangs down over the top rim of the mask, and a pair of dun wings stretch out from a tuxedo that conceals most of his body. The two ponies begin singing in unison as they approach each other.

"Our spirts and our hearts in one combined! 
The Phantom of the Gala/The Angel behind the mask is here...
To steal your/my heart."

Out of the darkness, dozens of waltzing couples emerge, each singing out in chorus as they turn about, their eyes fixed upon the stallion striding through their midst towards the lone mare at the stage's edge. They all sing out in a haunting echo.

"The Phantom of the Gala."

The mare finds her voice, her eyes fixing upon he who approaches.

"He's there! The Phantom of the Gala!"

The Phantom sings out, his voice both commanding and sultry as he calls to her.

"Dance, my angel!"

The mare begins to dance gently about, turning upon her hooftips. The Phantom calls out again, louder and more passionately.

"Dance, my angel!!"

She begins to turn sharply, then tapping along the floor with long, deft movements as she swirls about the dance floor.

"Dance, for me!"

The mare's face is upturned as she leaps and whirls, her body straining to keep up with the lust filled demands of her suitor.

"Dance, my angel!!"

She is barely keeping upon her toes now. She twists and dives at nearly impossible angles, her dress flowing out behind her like a flower caught in a hurricane. The Phantom calls out exultantly, his eyes shining as they fix upon her flawless performance.

"Dance, for me!!!"

Unable to keep her balance any longer, the mare loses her footing as she leaps, and falls back towards the floor. The Phantom leaps up, his wings stretching out as he flies up, catching the mare in outstretched hooves. She lays back dramatically across his firm forelegs as he stretches out his grand wings, leaning over to stare into her eyes. The lights cut out, then rise slowly again, revealing an empty stage.
The crowd rises swiftly to their feet and hooves, applauding wildly at the brilliant performance. Spike steps out onto the stage, clapping as well. "What a show! Thank you both for working so hard on that, and for the brilliant choreography! Do you two practice this often?"
Laugher greets Spike as he looks back, frowning when nopony emerges or answers him. "Oh well, I guess they were busy or something. Our next act will be Echo Night's Echo Jewel, performing Fairytale."
A shy brown pegasus mare with a blue mane steps out meekly. She almost stops and flees before the crowded room, but manages to summon her will and continue on. She steps up to the microphone, her whole body shivering slightly.
"Umm… h-hello everypony, my name is Echo and I don't sing much but, umm… I'll try my best…" The shy pony whispers into the mic, then breathes in. Overhead, a violin begins to send out a rapid thrum as a techno beat starts hammering rhythmically.

"Years ago,When I was younger...
I kinda liked a girl I knew...
She was mine, and we were sweethearts...
That was then, But then its true…"

"I'm in love with a fairytale,
Even though it hurts...
Cause I don't care if I lose my mind...
I'm already cursed."

"Every day we started fighting,
Every night we fell in love...
No one else could make me sadder,
But no one else could lift me high above…"

"I don't know what I was doing, when suddenly,
We fell apart...
Nowadays, I can not find her...
But when I do, we'll get a brand new start…"

"I'm in love with a fairytale,
even though it hurts...
Cause I don't care if I lose my mind...
I'm already cursed."

"Shes a fairytale…
Yeah...
even though it hurts...
Cause I don't care if I lose my mind...
Im already cursed."

The music quickly ends, sending the room into silence. It is quickly broken as ponies and bronies clap for Echo. She takes a modest bow.
"Umm… I hope you enjoyed it… goodbye…" She quickly retreats from the stage, disappearing behind the curtains.
"Alright! Thank you Echo!" Spike calls after her, then returns his attention to you all. "Our next act will be Axelmerc, and his OC, Axel! Let's welcome him in!"
The gray coated stallion wearing headphones about his neck emerges from backstage, jamming out a little to a techno beat that thrums overhead. The lights quickly shift gears, strobing and whirling in time with the beat as Axel steps up to the mic.
"Hey everypony I'm Axel otherwise known as 1337-P0N3. I've been playing video games for a couple years now and love seeing new people everywhere I go. I wanna thank everyone who got me the chance to be here. I wanna give a special thanks to Vinyl Scratch for inspiring me to perform here today I've always been a fan of her work. If I perform I hope to make y'all happy with my performance if not then I completely understand. Who Dares Wins!"
The lights begin pulsing faster as the music grows in volume. The stallion starts jamming in time with the beat as he sings out a rhythm.

"I need to stop worrying about things I can't control,
I need to stop worrying about the dollars I don't own,
I gotta stop worrying about the things I cannot know, 
But sometimes it feels so good. Oh!"

"Money don't matter if it feels for you.
Money don't matter if you're, hah, hah, hah.
Money don't matter if it feels for you.
I used to worry everyday,
Now I got better things."

"Need to stop hurrying slow down and take control,
Gotta stop worrying about your problems you should know,
Need to stop feeling like my life is such a mess,
Because the world has got me in it,
It's my time and I should live it. Oh!"

"Money don't matter if it feels for you,
Money don't matter if you're hah, hah, hah.
Money don't matter if it feels for you,
I used to worry everyday,
Now I got better things."

"Cause it don't matter what the people say,
It don't matter what the people do,
Oh It don't matter what the people say,
Cause I say baby you gotta stop worryin'. Oh!"

"Money don't matter if it feels for you,
Money don't matter if you're hah, hah, hah.
Money don't matter if it feels for you,
I used to worry everyday,
Now I got better things."

Axel doesn't stop moving to the music, choosing instead to shimmy off behind the curtains as applause chases him from the crowd.
"Great job, Axel! It was awesome having you!" Spike steps up to the mic. "Our next  contestant is Sound Wave's OC, going by the same name. He'll be performing Roller Coaster by Blink 182, so let's give him a big round of applause!"
Spike doesn't see the light blue pegasus stallion with a wild red and blue mane pushing a storm cloud up behind him. With a swift kick, the stallion sends a boom of thunder out of the cloud. He bursts out laughing as Spike jumps, his eyes going wide with surprise.
"Gaaah!" Looking up, Spike eyes the prankster irritably. "Well here he is folks. Grrshafrissh dumb storm cloud."
Smiling garrulously, the pegasus introduces himself. "Hey-hey Ponies and Bronies! Name's Sound Wave," he leans forward, his smile growing, "no I'm not a Decepticon, and I am excited to be here!! You're an awesome crowd! Woo! I'm not going to bore you with what I like or what I do in my free time but I would like to say that it'll be an honor to perform for all of you guys! Now without further ado, I hope you enjoy what I got!"
The projectors flare, revealing that an illusion covered a band of ponies behind him. They are each gripping rock band instruments, smiling confidently. With abrupt sharpness, the entire group starts jamming out as Sound Wave begins to sing.

"Breathing deeply, walking backwards,
Finding strength to call and ask her,
Roller coaster, favorite ride,
Let me kiss you one last time."

"Leave me standing here,
Act like I'm not around,
The coast will probably never clear,
Can I please go home now?"

"I had that dream,
About you again,
Where I wait outside,
Until you let me in,
And there I stayed."

"Lay beside me,
And listen at the wall,
We'll keep on lying,
Until the summer comes."

"I had that dream,
About you again,
Where you drive my car,
Right off a bucking cliff."

"And now I'm breathing deeply, walking backwards,
Finding strength to call and ask her,
Roller coaster, favorite ride,
Let me kiss you one last time."

"Make me promise,
That I will never tell,
All I remember is,
The way her bedroom smelled."

"I had that dream,
About you again,
Where I wait outside,
Until you let me in."

"And now I'm breathing deeply, walking backwards,
Finding strength to call and ask her,
Roller coaster, favorite ride,
Let me kiss you one last time,
Goodnight, goodnight."

Sound Wave trots over to the band, still jamming out as they all group up, parading off the stage. Lights flash everywhere as another wave of applause erupts from the audience. A few ponies and bronies continue rocking hard in their improvised mosh pit in front of the stage.
"Always good to get a crazy number in there once in a while." Spike grins, returning to the mic. "Our thirteenth entry is Ninjuto's Raining Fire, singing Baby Got Flank."
A scratch rhythm starts beating as Raining Fire struts out onto the stage, followed by Pinkie Pie and Rarity. All three jig to the rhythm as they approach the mic, the girls staying back and moving with the beat as the OC begins his number.
Rarity and Pinkie Pie grin playfully as they start shaking their flanks, strutting back and forth across the stage.

"I like big flanks and I cannot lie,

You other bronies can't deny,

That when a mare walks in and is struttin' that flank,

Wearin' Rarity's dress like a tank,

	You get sprung, wanna pull up tough,

	'Cause you noticed that plot was stuffed."



"Turnin' heads like Owlowiscious,"

"Hoo hoo!" The owl's hoots break into the song momentarily from above.


"Feelin' like Spike."

The little dragon peers out of the curtains with a cheeky grin, his eyes fixing on Rarity's rump. "So delicious!" 


"Oh baby, I wanna get with ya,

And take your picture,

	My bronies tried to warn me,

	But that flank you got makes,
makes me so…"

Raining Fire rears up, whinnying into the mic as the girls get down, shaking their cutie marks.



	"Ooh, plot-o-smooth skin,

You say that you want a partay?"

Pinkie Pie rears up, "PAR-TAY!"


	"Well okie, dokie,

'Cause you ain't that average lokie."


	"I've seem the dancin',

	To what DJ-PON3's blastin'.

	She's charged, turnin' up the volts,

	Livin' it large, Wonderbolts.

At that moment, two of the aerial team's female members, Spitfire and Fleetfoot, go racing overhead, their tails whipping back and forth playfully as they speed along.


	"I'm tired of magazines,

	Saying flat plots are the thing.

	Take the average stallion and ask him that,

	Pack that flank, Applejack!"

Big Macintosh peers out from behind the curtains. "Eeyup!"



"So fellas!
Yeah! 
Fellas! 
Yeah!

Has your waifu got da plot?
Hay yeah!

	Tell 'em to shake it! 
Shake it! 
Shake it! 
Shake it!
	Shake that healthy plot!
	Baby got flank!"

As the chorus line goes, stallions all poke their heads out from behind the curtains, yelling out responses to Raining Fire's song. Encouraged to tease, the girls turn around and give you a glimpse of their flanks full on, smiling teasingly at you.



	"Baby got flank!"



"I like 'em round, and big,

And when I'm at Pinkie Pie's gig,

I just can't ground myself,
I'm bouncing all around ya,

Fourth wall don't matter.

Now we gonna trot home,

	And…" 

Raining fire rears, whinnying.

	"Double up!"

He follows with a pair of whinnies.


	"You got me talking in Equine,

	'Cause baby your flank is oh so fine."



"I want 'em yellow, blue, or white,

	And even pink and purple,

You mares got no trouble,

Movin' that Art of the Bubble.

	So I'm lookin' at pony videos,

	Bronies making these ponies look pro.

All 'em spoofs are incredible,

Some made even from the Hub and Hasbro."



	"A word to the Mane 6 sisters,
come on and I'll bring ya,

To the Galloping Gala.

	But don't get me wrong when I say it's,

Gonna be a night so long,

Celestia trollin' on,

The Gala's been making her yawn."



"It's gonna be your best night ever,

So, come on, stay and play,

	'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong,

	And like Rarity…"

Clearly enjoying herself, the classy mare leans up to the mic. She doesn't notice when Raining Fire takes a step back, his eyes drifting down onto her flank. Putting on her best angry face, Rarity sings into the microphone.
"It… is… ON!"



"So mares, if the plot is round,

	And you want a Big Mac throwdown,

Dial 1-900-LLZALOT,

And buck them nasty thoughts.

Baby got flank!"



"Eyes all derpin', but she got much flank,

	Might be a lez, but she got much flank."

Rainbow Dash glares out from behind the curtain. "Hey!"


	"Trollestia be trollin, but she got much flank,

She prolly used magic to get that flank."

The song ends, though the beat continues as Raining Fire struts off the stage, still dancing. He is followed by Rarity and Pinkie Pie, who continue shaking their flanks as they disappear behind the stage left curtains.
Spike emerges, his eyes still trailing after Rarity, somewhere out of your sight. For a moment, he seems to forget that he is standing in front of you all.
"So much lovely flank…"
"Spike! Focus!" Twilight whispers sharply from backstage.
"Oh! Uh… right! Sorry about that folks!" Spike returns to reality with a snap, his cheeks reddening at the laughing crowd. "Our next entry is UnweptPegasus' OC, Lightning Flash! He'll be singing his own rendition of Everybody Loves Me by OneRepublic! Let's give him a round of applause!"
The gray pegasus stallion with a yellow and black mane, trailing a jagged yellow tail, steps out into the spotlights. He smiles confidently as he takes Spike's place at the mic. "What’s happenin’ bronies? You all sound like an awesome crowd tonight, and lemme tell you, it’s a pleasure just being up here, giving you guys one hoof of a show! I’ll be singing a song that’ll really get your heads bobbing. So let me hear you clap those hooves together and make some noise! LET’S KICK IT!"
The crowd begins to clap rhythmically with the thrum of the acoustic guitar. Lightning Flash begins singing as the holoprojectors create a long, wide corridor that seems to be moving away, fluorescent lights flashing down it's length.

"Uh yeah… 
All hail Celestia on my backseat,
And her friends are gliding right beside me,
World wide from the Fillmaron to Turkey,
Open up, said everypony loves me."

"And you don't have to make a sound,
'Cause they got what you need, what you need."

"Got love for the people that have warned you, 
But Cadance got no love for your virtue, 
Eight bits for takers that'll break you, 
Lay cards with the lovers that'll hate you."

"And you don’t have to make a sound,
‘Cause they got what you need, what you need."

"Make you say,
Oh my, feels just like I don't try,
Look so good I might die,
All I know is everypony loves me.
Head down, soaring to my own sound,
Lightning Flash is in your face now,
All I know is everypony loves me.
Everypony loves me."

"Well I pray the music, don't stop till I turn gray,
Stars forever like Princess Luna never fade,
An eclipse shroud the world in a different shade,
Hope I'm remembered for the things that I never made."

"'Cause you don't have to make a sound,
When I got what you need."

From behind him, a whole crowd of ponies march up the holographic corridor, their hooves clapping in time with the beat. They all sing out the chorus line in unison.

"Everypony loves me,
Everypony,
Everypony, oh."

Lightning Flash picks the song back up without missing a note, his own hooves beating out with the marchers.

"Don't need my health,
Got my name and got my wealth.
I stare at the sun,
Just for kicks all by myself.
I lose track of time,
But no way I’m past my prime,
But I'm feeling, oh so good,
Yeah."

"Oh my, feels just like I don't try,
Scratch the sky when I fly, 
All I know is everypony loves me. 
Heads up, swag on for my close-up,
Lightning Flash don’t take no scrubs,
Cause all I know is everypony loves me. 
Everybody loves me.
Don't you know who I am?"

Waving out a salute, Lightning Flash grins out at you all. "Thanks for joining in. I'll see you around."
He disappears behind the curtain as the holoprojectors kick out, leaving Spike standing in the dark. He squints up at the control box, where Derpy is frantically pulling levers and pressing buttons.
After half a minute without power, the lights come back up, nearly blinding Spike. "Ah! Too bright! Turn them down!"
"Oops, sorry!" Derpy calls out over the intercom.
Spike grumbles something about being cross-eyed, then turns back to you. "Sorry about the delay, everypony. We'll get the show back on track! Our next and final performance will be by Epicpony2346's OC, Lucas. He'll be singing Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell. Let's show him a proper Pony Variety Show! welcome!"
Applause greets the blue pegasus stallion as he glides up to center stage, his black and yellow mane catching the light of the spots in an odd break of colors.
"Hey everypony I'm Lucas. I've been making music for a while and enjoying archery, hence my nickname Arrow Note. The song I will be singing it a personal favorite of mine."
Overhead, a drumbeat mixes with synthesized sounds to form a beat as Lucas begins to sing. As he does, you see a holographic representation of him, wandering around a darkened house, going through the motions of the song. As he progresses however, ponies' faces keep popping up, peering through windows, around doors, or in other, much odder places.

"Who's watching,
Tell me, who's watching,
Who's watching me?"

"I'm just an average man,
With an average life,
I work from nine to five, 
Hey, hoof, I pay the price. 
All I want is to be left alone, 
In my average home, 
But why do I always feel, 
Like I'm in the twilight zone?"

"And I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me,
And I have no privacy.
Whooooa-oh-oh!
I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me,
Tell me, is it just a dream."

"When I come home at night,
I bolt the door real tight. 
People call me on the phone, 
I'm trying to avoid.
But can the people on TV see me,
Or am I just paranoid?"

"When I'm in the shower,
I'm afraid to wash my hair, 
'Cause I might open my eyes, 
And find someone standing there. 
People say I'm crazy, 
Just a little touched, 
But maybe showers remind me, 
Of Psycho too much.
That's why," 

"I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me,
And I have no privacy. 
Whooooa, oh-oh!
I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me.
Who's playin' tricks on me?"

The music goes into an interlude, showing Lucas wandering through the halls, his eyes darting back and forth. Every once in a while, he spots somepony staring at him. His eyes grow wider and wider as he trots quickly through the house. Finally overwhelmed, he rushes to the front door, swings it open, and stops.
There, barring his passage, a tall, slender pony with a blank white face wearing a black suit stands. In response, Lucas slams the door shut, dashes up the stairs, and into his bedroom. He crouches underneath his bed, with blankets pulled tight around his body. He doesn't see the half-dozen pairs of eyes staring at him from the darkness that encompasses him.

"Who's watching me?
I don't know anymore.
Are the neighbors watching me?
Who's watching?
Well, is the mailman watching me?
Tell me, who's watching.
And I don't feel safe anymore,
Oh, what a mess,
I wonder who's watching me now,
Who,
The IRS?" 

"I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me,
And I have no privacy.
Whooooa, oh-oh!
I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me,
Tell me, is it just a dream."

"I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me,
And I have no privacy.
Whooooa, oh-oh!"

"I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me.
Who's playin' tricks on me?
Who's watching me?
I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me.
Oooooooh!
Whooooa-oh-oh!"

"I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me.
So? Who can it be?
Who's watching me?
I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me.
Whooooa-oh-oh!"

"I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me.
Who's playing tricks on me? 
Who's watching me?
I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me.
Can I have my privacy?
Whooooa-oh-oh!"

"I always feel like,
Somebody's watching me.
Who's playing tricks on me?"

"Maybe he wouldn't feel like anypony was watching him if he weren't putting on a stage show." Pinkie Pie answers the song from her seat next to you. You feel your heart skip a beat with surprise.
"Want some popcorn?" She asks, holding out a bag of half eaten popcorn to you.
After taking what you want, you find yourself looking back at her. She turns one eye at you, then looks over. "Yes, is there something you wanted to talk to me about?"

*	*	*

There seems to be some kind of commotion going on backstage. Stage hands are rushing out behind the curtains, collecting things and cleaning up the area. For a moment, you consider getting up and using the restroom, or retrieving some more snacks, when movement on the stage catches your eye.
Bluenose and Yellowbelly, the prankster changelings, creep out onto the stage, pushing a speaker. With one ceremonious gesture, Bluenose plops a speaker wire into the input, causing the audio system to come to life.
"-is a disaster!" You hear Twilight, who is clearly freaking out, say. "The show is running overtime, the Muppet Labs sketch is a mess, I don't know where Spike has gotten off to, and the holoprojectors are on the fritz! Can this day get any worse!?"
"Calm down there, Sugarcube." Applejack says, trying to ease the stress that has taken hold of Twilight. "We'll jus' skip the segment, an' let the audience see what them pranksters 'ave dug up."
"No! I'm not even sure how they got that footage, let alone think it appropriate to put up on the show! I mean, you do remember what happened, right?" Twilight practically yells.
"Ah… well… ah was tryin' not ta remember, but now that ya mention it, that whole situation was kinda creepy." Applejack replies hesitantly.
"What're we talking about?" Pinkie Pie's bubbly voice cuts in.
"Oh, hi Pinkie. We were just discussing the footage from that one trip we took with Dr. Whooves. You remember, the one where we accidentally ended up in the Rule 34 version of our world," Twilight explains.
"Oh yeah, I remember that," Pinkie answers. "There was that creepy version of me with the long rubber socks, who asked us if we wanted to bake something sweet in our ovens. She was kinda weird."
"Ugh… don't remind us… That Kinkie Pie was one pony ah'd like ta ferget. Besides, ah don't think she was talkin' 'bout a normal oven." Applejack's voice shudders.
"Wait, are you all talking about what I think you're talking about?" Rainbow Dash's voice interjects from further away. The voice grows closer and closer as she speaks. "Why would you ever talk about that place!? I mean, every filly and mare was chasing me around! Even I was chasing me around! It was waaay too creepy!"
"If you all agree, I think it's better if we simply get rid of this footage. I wouldn't want anypony seeing that Princess Molestia, ever," Twilight exclaims!
The girls all shudder.
"Ah agree, Twi. That Princess Molestia was one piece o' work ah never wanna lay eyes on again. What she did ta poor Rarity should nev'r see th' light o' day."
"Yeah, we wouldn't want anypony to get scared off by that big, meanie, mean pants. Go on, Twilight, get rid of it," Pinkie adds.
"Very well, I'll make sure this tape is destroyed, so that nopony can be hurt by it ever again," Twilight agrees.
"Perhaps you could use a hoof, to rid yourselves of such ill gotten proof." Zecora's voice suddenly sounds out.
"Oh, Zecora, you startled me. We were just going to get rid of this tape." Twilight breathes in surprise.
"If you wish for me to make sure it's gone, just give it to me, and I will make sure the deed is done. Such dark things should not see light of day, I will make certain that this goes away," Zecora offers.
"Thank you, Zecora. We would appreciate it if you would. There's no telling what could happen if this ever got out," Twilight sighs with relief.
You hear the clatter of hooves on wood as the girls go about their task. For a moment, it seems that all is done, but the changelings continue their chuckling. There is a whoosh, like the sound of fire burning something up, then a laugh.
"Hahahahah… Suckers," Queen Chrysalis' voice laughs.
"Keekekekeekeekee!" The changelings join in as they pull the speaker away.

*	*	*

Twilight emerges from backstage, looking a little flustered. "Hello everypony, I'm sorry for the delay. We have decided to cut off our other segments for the sake of time, and will only be reading fanmail this week."
A letter levitates magically up to her as the other girls emerge, stepping up beside her, followed by a dizzy looking Spike. "Our question for today comes from… from…" Twilight begins flipping the letter over, examining it thoroughly.
"Auugh! Writer, you lost the name of the submitter again!? This is becoming a really bad habit for you," Twilight groans! She fixes her eyes on the control box, allowing her displeased expression to show full on her face.
She takes a deep breath, then looks out at you again. "Sorry for that, everypony. He has been such a scatterbrain lately. He'd probably lose his head if it weren't attached to his neck."
"Anyway, the questioner asks what our life philosophies are." Twilight blinks for a moment. "Wow, that's a really deep question, I guess I haven't thought about it in a while."
"For me, I guess it's that there is always something worth learning. No matter what I know, or how much I study, there is another book I haven't read, another experience I haven't had. So my philosophy would be to keep on learning, in hopes that I can truly know the answers when somepony needs me," Twilight responds. Her eyes grow thoughtful as she passes the letter off to Applejack.
"Ah've always believed that hard work pays off. No matter what'cha do in life, or where ya go, ponies will always respect ya if you're a hard worker who nev'r stops tryin'," Applejack answers with a smile. She holds the letter out to Fluttershy, who takes it demurely in her hooves.
"Um… I don't really have a philosophy. Well… I sort of do… it's more of a belief really. There's so much hurting in the world, pain and suffering, that I want to make better. So I do my best every day to love and care for others."
Smiling shyly, she hands the paper over to Rainbow Dash, who takes it. The blue pegasus examines the sheet for a moment, then grins. "You wanna know my philosophy? Fly fast and party hard! There's no better way to live than to enjoy yourself and shoot for your dreams!"
Rainbow looks up towards the ceiling, as if seeing the clear skies beyond. Her eyes sparkle with the burning desire to see all of her hopes and dreams come true. Looking back down, she holds out the note to Pinkie Pie, who accepts it.
"My dreams are easy. Everypony knows that I live to see everypony smile! I even wrote a song about it! Do ya wanna hear it," Pinkie asks?
"Not right now, Pinkie. Maybe later," Rarity replies as she retrieves the note. "As for me, I believe in the self-made mare. A lady should be at her very best, showing the world that she can be independent, strong, and able to handle herself. After all, I made my business with my own two hooves, and now my work can even be seen on Canterlot high society. One must believe in herself, and show the world what she's made of."
She hands the note over to Spike, who takes it almost reverently. "For me? You want me to answer too!"
"Of course, darling. You are part of the show too, after all," Rarity answers.
"Oh wow, thank you all!" Spike thanks his friends as they smile at him. "Well, my life philosophy is, uh… I don't know. I mean, I've lived my life always sticking by Twilight. After all we've been through together, I guess that sticking by your friends, no matter what would be all I can think of."
"A great lesson to learn," Twilight answers. She turns back to face all of you. "Well, that's our show, everypony! Thank you for coming by, and we hope to see you next time on…"
"The Pony Variety Show!" They all chorus together with a laugh.

*	*	*

As you rise from your seat, you seem to hear Pinkie Pie talking inside your head. "We here at the Pony Variety Show! would like to thank our Contributors for their contributions. Our writing staff includes Lillyfoot15 and PorcuMoose from DeviantArt, tacotel, Captain Literal, KartalTheWriter, and TheAssumingMage from FiMFiction. We also want to give a special thanks to codejunkie, Hellpony, Tragicom, RLYoshi, Cornlover, Krushnazag, DJPyro3, Echo Night, Axelmerc, Sound Wave, Ninjuto, UnweptPegasus, and Epicpony2346 for their contributions to the Pony Variety Show! Singoff."
You step out of the showroom, and into the lobby. Pinkie Pie is waiting at her stand, a huge smile on her face as hordes of hungry bronies come up for one last snack. "Order up!"
Across the room, you see the CMC request stand, where the three little fillies wait for your requests. They give you big, cheerful grins, their hooves pressed together in eager anticipation as you step up to share your ideas for future shows.
Next to them is the official ballot box for the election. Over the top of it, the sign reads as follows:

Rules:
Only one vote per pony or brony.
Submit the filled out form with your vote by copying and pasting the form, then submitting it via private message.
Insert it into the ballot box for validation.
Votes will be counted until August 31st. The Winner will be announced on the following Pony Variety Show!

Below that are the forms:

Name (Username):
Candidate Voted For: 

The candidates are:
Princesses Celestia and Cadence

Princess Luna and Discord

Queen Chrysalis and Pinkie Pie

Flim and Flam

The Great and Powerful Trixie (and Darkened Flame)

Iron Will and Bon Bon

Captain Literal

After finishing there, you pass by the next booth, where you can vote for your favorite performance in the Pony Variety Show! Singoff!

Rules:
Only one form per pony or brony.
Vote for your favorite acts, giving them first, second, and third place, in that order. Only one song per place.
Submit the filled out form with your vote by copying and pasting the form, then submitting it via private message.
Insert it into the voting box for validation.
Votes will be counted until August 3rd. The Winners will be announced on the following Pony Variety Show!

Name (Username):
First Place: 
Second Place: 
Third Place: 

The acts are:
codejunkie's Freezing Cold, singing Drunk by Ed Sheeran

Captain Literal's Captain Literal, singing Cap's Rap by Captain Literal

Hellpony's Infernus, singing Civil War by Guns'n'Roses

TheAssumingMage's Triverus Mage, singing Hardware Store by Weird Al

Tragicom's Tragicom, singing I am the Very Model of a My Little Pony OC (Modern Major General) by Gilbert and Sullivan

RLYoshi's Arrell, singing Dashie by Nameless Warning

Cornlover's River Water, singing Down to the River to Pray by Alison Krauss

Krushnazag's Winding Gearshift, singing The Music of the Night by Andrew Lloyd Webber

DJ Pyro3's Facade Quillmane and Etero, singing Phantom of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Echo Night's Echo Jewel, singing Fairytale by Nightcore

Axelmerc's Axel, singing Money by Mystery Skulls

Sound Wave's Sound Wave, singing Roller Coaster by Blink 182

Ninjuto's Raining Fire, singing Baby Got Flank by I Bring Da LULZ

UnweptPegasus' Lightning Flash, singing Everybody Loves Me by OneRepublic

Epicpony2346's Lucas, singing Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell

You finally get your votes set up, and pass by to escape the cascading riot of ponies and bronies. Outside the mob slowly disperses as everypony shares their thoughts on today's Pony Variety Show!