//------------------------------// // Why Don't I Stay Calm? // Story: Much Sense the Starkest Madness // by Comma Typer //------------------------------// I couldn't run away screaming. She's so excited having me over, she dragged me to the train station. Turning tail would get myself literally fired. I had to grin and bear it. We started with train rides towards the Dragon Lands. Ember could fly, but the average human would be too afraid to fly a pushy creature with no built-in emergency exits (unless you count falling to your death). She could save me, but that's a long shot. The landscape outside could've been in a hundred museums with those bright colors and nice plants everywhere. Pegasus weather teams moved clouds about. Weather-on-demand, right? But I was sitting with Ember and a few other dragons, her entourage, all staring at me. I felt like prey. That offended my independence senses. “So what can I do for you?” I asked despite that. I was already getting worn down by smiling for the Dragon Lord. “I like it!” she blurted out. “Your initiative will be useful!" She wouldn't like my initiative to flee. I'd say it's the initiative to fold your cards. “By the way, here's where we're coming from: your Convocation of Countries and our Convocation of Creatures have deals for building a portal network. It's so we can do what non-warring kingdoms do: trade, diplomacy, cultural and scientific exchange, tourism and citizens moving between worlds, insert other buzzwords here, yada-yada. For example, you know what we dragons have?” Blame me for not remembering my answers to those preppie finals. Name three Dragon Lands' resources, tangible or intangible, that are not gems. Um... “Draconian sulfur and our glassblowing tradition,” she said, freeing me from thinking too hard. “Turns out, they can speed up portal production. No waiting half a year for them to finish. We also have the zebras with their magic plants and potions getting into this portal thing too, so I'm sure both of us would like more human insight with you around, even if you're not a president. We get too many of them anyway.” Ember crossed her arms again. Any show of disappointment in me from these dragons, I trembled inside. “But there's something else,” she went on. “After I took the throne from my father, I told all dragons to stop raiding villages because it's bad and... inconsiderate. A lot harder than it sounds: I just ended a huge chapter of our history, changed a big part of dragon culture. Take our raids away, and what do we do?” “I don't know, trade?” Ember grumbled at me. It wasn't my turn to speak. Learned a life lesson that day: never interrupt a dragon. “Anyway: more than a few dragons don't like what I did. They protest and riot because they think concepts like private property and social contract are wuvey-mushy pony stuff. When I learned you humans got around to them on your own, I was relieved. I could prove it's a moral issue, not ponish subjugation.” I didn't like where this was going. “You want me to be an example... to your, uh, dissidents?” She shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe. We'll play by ear.” I don't like ominous words. Ominous words coming from a dragon? Crept me out. It was an awkward series of train rides after that. There's the pony cities with the exact same names as ours like Cinchinati and Chicoltgo. We also didn't talk much. I was too scared, Ember was too civil. She did ask some of her own questions, usually general stuff like where I lived and how it's like being a normal human on Earth. I think I answered well, though I kept an eye on the other dragons watching me. One wrong word, I'd be toast. Yeah, I don’t like being toast. It hurts and I like not dying. We reached Baltimare, our final train stop because our destination was across the sea. We took an airship line which then was a brand new travel thing. Infinitely better than dangling from a dragon above an endless ocean. Ride’s OK—I’d ridden hot air balloons before—and food’s good, although most of it was for veggie ponies... no offense, Desk. They also served gems for the dragons, so I got to see the Dragon Lord eat gems like candy. Around noon, tons of dark clouds and smoke and dots filled the sky. Looking down the railing, I saw a barren coast of rocks. As we approached, the dots became dragons flying around. Here there be the Dragon Lands. I wasn't ready for this. Ember flew up and landed on the airship docks. I was left with unfamiliar dragons again. I stood there, hoping my stillness would save my life. “Good day, for I, Ember, lord and ruler of every and all dragons, have returned!” Cue the cheers for their not-assassinated leader despite being in the open. Meanwhile, I might as well be a good target since the dragons’ breath fireworks almost hit our blimp. Another minute later, the blimp alighted and the rest of us got down. “And I’ve brought with me a good human helper!” Ember announced. That struck fear in me. All those dragons with their thin stilted eyes, their sharp claws and vicious fangs, their lethal fire abilities... “Be kind to him! We don’t want to be responsible for his death, right?” So the dragons gave way, giving me and Ember a clear path. That’s when dragon guards hovered beside me. I was supposed to feel at ease, but I wasn’t. They’re still lethal dragons. And it was hot. Very hot. Lava pits were nearby, and lots of heat-radiating dragons treated them like town squares. They ate, drank, talked, laughed by those pits, but I still got their attention. I was wholly singled out, though Dragon Lord Ember's presence shielded me from their eyes. It was hard getting across the rough terrain. Wasn't my size. Dragons walked around just fine while I pulled my body up above ledges and over gaps. Add the sweltering heat, my fancy coat was dirty soaked. I was an ocean away from the nearest exit home, I was with huge and smelly dragons, and I could fall into lava without knowing it. This was a horrifying nightmare. Maybe my friends were right. No, they’re not. I got this far. I’ll get my reward with unicorns and safe magic after this detour. Farther down the coast, I noticed a tiny settlement. My heart grew warm. The buildings were human buildings. Other humans like me had to be here. I needed their help. Guessing my way around dragon politics wouldn’t end well. “There’s the Earth embassy in progress,” Ember said, pointing at the tallest building. It had a fresh style. It was also a safe haven. Fellow humans milled about or worked here and there. Yes, here's my refuge! Ember tapped me on the shoulder. “So you want to help out with manual labor, work with important papers, or—” “Papers, yes!” I cried out. She stepped back, gazing at me weirdly. I didn't care. I never loved paperwork that much before. From the bane of my existence, they became my only hope. They're in the embassy, away from the volcanoes and lava and perilous dragons. But I was yanked away, pulled from the town's limits and farther into the Dragon Lands. My hopes were dashed. I clenched my teeth so they wouldn't clatter while I lost sight of common humanity. Or of still being alive. It's treacherous stuff. Dragons flew over and past us, fire streaked in the clouds (thinking I'd get burned by the sparks), and the ground was uncooperative. I lacked the luxury of appreciating things like the Dragon Lord's massive throne because I had to watch my step and jump across the gaps... yeah, because I still had to worry about heights after the airship. Despite all that, I didn't complain. If I did, they'd just say, “You asked for it!” Then they'd kick me down the nearest volcano, I was sure of that. When I heard we were going to a volcano, my heart stopped for a sec. Did they know? How did they know? Did they read my mind? Were they gonna fire me now? Maybe they were doing that already; changed their minds last minute about me. After lots of climbing and two sore knees, we got into a cave on the volcanoside. Torches lit the way, but I couldn't see five feet. All was quiet. My blood pressure rose to astronomical levels—this felt like one of those medieval executions, and I was the criminal. The cave's end would have the dragon executioner, ready to burn me. Instead, what I found were two armored dragons guarding a table, a chair, some ballpens with a few quills and ink, and lots of papers. “Hey!” Ember yelled at a guard, storming up to him. “It's incomplete!” “Incomplete? What did I forget—oh...” The guard put down a nameplate onto the table. The Human Lord of Important Papers. Real professional. Can't say they're wrong. He also put down a little electric fan. Yeah, that'll help when it's a hundred degrees up here, mister. “One thing I've learned as a leader was the importance of delegation,” Ember said. She pointed at the paper stack, then at me. “I trust you know what to do with that. You're about to graduate from one of those fancy university thingies, right?” Doesn't mean I should labor in a cave with terrible working conditions. “Don't make me regret stringing you along, Sight See. Make me proud.” The menacing Dragon Lord left me, disappearing into the darkness. Consider my situation. I was alone, far away from home, hot and sweaty and dirty, and fenced in by dragons. They were watching me. Would they know if I was doing actual work or just scribbling random stuff? I was certain they'd know if I was goldbricking it. However, I had nothing else to do until Ember came back. I sat down and skimmed through the papers. Diplomatic treaties, business deals, innovative patents, suggestions from the everydragon: all to be approved or disapproved by me. I was thankful I paid some attention in class so I could understand technical jargon. Now economics and money numbers, I didn’t understand so well, but I put those to the side. I'd ask Ember about them later. You’d think having absolute power over the dragons’ fate would be encouraging. It gripped my heart. It’s not even democratic. For all I knew, Ember would come up and throw everything under the bus. Twenty minutes later, I was exhausted and bored. Took my sweet time reading and re-reading the papers. I surprised myself with what I discovered, only to use novelty as an excuse to be my own slacking amateur. I also needed real cold. The dinky little fan wouldn’t do. I used my clout to take a leave, told the guards I’d rest from the heat, spend some time outside. Ordered them to stay there and guard the papers. I kept up my brave facade with them even though it's the very thing that banished me here. Still hot outside, but it's tolerable. I coped by acting like I was on top of the world: before me spread the vast panorama of rocks and volcanoes and the murky sea in the horizon. All the while, dragons roamed around. I didn’t see any buildings, but I figured they didn’t need any since they had caves and lava spots. “You know this sucks.” That was Ember’s voice from above. I looked up to the volcano’s peak. It was a minute’s walk from here. I went up but not all the way. Only enough to peek with my eyes at ground level. There stood Ember by the edge of the crater (I experienced first hand how hot convection could really get). She was busy talking with her subjects, holding a book in her claws. I squinted my eyes to read the title by the lava’s glow: How to Be Nice to Ponies and Other Creatures (Including the Newly Included Humans)! “You saw me lock up in front of them like a whelp!” she vented. “I know Thorax told me to humiliate others less often, but there’s some things I won’t compromise on... and asserting dragon dominance to these humans is one of them! We’re justified: they have vicious legends about dragons without even meeting us!” The other dragons nodded. I didn’t. Ember tapped on the cover, scratching it. “I understand not scaring humans off, but this is too sappy and sweet for my taste! Just embarrassed myself before them… which is why I’m done with this garbage!” She threw the book into the volcano. I heard the flames turn on. I imagined they were burning that nice book up. Just wasn't scared enough, 'cause now I got a dragon who couldn't care less about decent courtesy. Something gripped my heel. I screamed in pain—tried to, but big hands covered my mouth. I was being dragged away, dragged down. I turned around. It was a dragon four times my size. Big teeth, yellow eyes, sharp fangs, and enough body heat to slow roast me. “There you are, scum!” he growled. Deep and scary voice, too. “No, peace!” I said, cowering behind the ID I held up. “I c-come in peace!” “Your peace is a lie!” and he ripped my ID out and crushed it with his claws. Now I had to pay twenty-five dollars for that, but getting out alive's more important. “H-hey! What's your problem?!“ “You are destroying us!” he said, putting his huge finger on my lips. Screaming for help wouldn't work; he might singe my tongue. I whispered, “D-destroying you?! I-I d-don't understand! N-no—you don't understand! I'm Ember's chosen! You can't do this to, uh, the Human Lord of Important Papers!” Clean Desk chuckles, almost spilling his drink. “Yeah,” I say, “it sounded better in my head.” That doesn't stop him. The unicorn scrunches his snout up and imitates in a mocking tone, “'Oh, I do papers! Please don't kill me!'” “You'd be dead in record time if you're in my shoes. Now... wait, what did the dragon say again?...” “So what?! I'll show you!” He gagged me with gems (horrible taste), grabbed me by the collar and flew away, hanging me from his fingertips. I flailed, tried to scream through the gems—anything to catch anyone's attention, but Ember was only getting farther away. Looking down was no help: lots of hard rocks and fire hazards that'd kill me, and I got dizzy from all this flying too. I'd vomited when we arrived in another cave. It was secluded from the open spaces back there. He dropped me to the ground, deep in the dark, and plucked the gems from my mouth. “What do you see?” he muttered. I had my eyes shut. I was too afraid. What if he'd reveal something horrible? Human slaves mining for sulfur? People jumping into lava by some mad dragon pretender to the throne? Endless grapes to feed the dragon for all time? “Open your eyes, you excuse of a minotaur!” So I did. I saw another dragon, way taller than me. He's massaging his back with a backscratcher while wearing a tie with diamonds. By the side sat a golden throne. Crudely hanging from the cave spikes was a portrait made of gems. He didn't notice us because the music from his ruby headphones was too loud. “Um... I-I'm... terrified by your son?... is th-that your son?” He picked me up. Choked my neck then shouted, “You are ruining our way of life!” I was losing air. Felt light-headed. I thought I'd die now. “Back then, we had our hoards to grow, our villages to plunder! Now this generation of whelps see the sacred gem hoard as useless clutter, and they despise plundering! All they want is to buy their way to a hoard—no, not even that! They buy strange contraptions to ease their life while we ancient souls had to endure harsh lives for centuries! You're making dragons soft!” “B-But I-I'm just—“ “You are destroying us not with raids, but with smiles and trade... but I'll send a message to everyone, starting with you.” He licked his lips. Flames lashed out of them. Stuck in his grip, I couldn't run. I shrieked, hoping someone would hear, but no one's outside. Just me and him. To think I'd die in a cave in another world, to die alone here. But if I was gonna die, might as well go out with a bang. “What if you're wrong?!” I yelled. The dragon blinked. “Those are bold words from you!” “Yeah, but... but maybe it's good dragons are, uh, discovering how backscratchers work?” Not my best argument, but it's worth a shot. ”We have claws!... and if not, we can have someone else do the dirty work.” “But that's not right!... and, uh, a-attacking other people and stealing their stuff is wrong!” “Says the peace-loving human! It’s a matter of being a dragon, and this longstanding tradition is ours to preserve untainted and for you to get your grubby hands away from!” He scratched his teeth, sharpened them. So much panic adrenaline in my veins. I froze. “Besides… food shouldn’t talk back.” I heard flames rumbling from his throat. I closed my eyes, ready to squeal in burning agony. “Flamethrower! What are you doing?!” That was Ember. Whipped my head around. Yup, that’s her with her special crystal crown. “I’m only cleansing ourselves from these aliens!” Flamethrower said. “They're here to help us, and we're here to help them!” answered the Dragon Lord, pumping her chest. "And they still have you! Don’t you see how they’re cramming their lies and garbage into our mouths until we have nothing left?” “We're dragons, Flamethrower. We can do dragon things to them!” “We'll just be their dragon variants if you keep at it!” and he squeezed my neck—could feel my face turning blue. Poor hostage me. “You’re the protector of us dragons, yet you allow them to take over our culture, our very dragon identities!” I thought she’d shoot some fire at him. Instead, she took her crown and said, “So I'll just throw this away, huh?” Flamethrower recoiled. “What?! No! That's purely dragon! Don’t throw away something so draconic!” “Following your logic, I would.” She crossed her arms again, staring him down. “Weeks ago, my father gave me this history lesson: his great-great grandpa saw the first crown ever made… and it’s made by griffons. We just took their idea and ran with it, so this crown isn’t really ours, is it, Flamethrower?” And that smirk on her face… heh-heh! “B-But—“ “And ponies took different ideas from other species and made it their own. Are they less pony now?” Without waiting for him—“Everyone's changing. That’s how it is. Let’s take what the humans give us and make it ours too, just like how we made the griffon crown ours.” He squeezed me a lot more. Got to seeing spots. I felt I’d throw up acid. “Your father would've never allowed such atrocities in his Dragon Lord days!” he shouted. “But who's the Dragon Lord now?” She stretched her arms, telling him Hit me! “It's not him, it's not you, but it's me. You are my subject and I'm your lord... or shall I prove it with my bare claws?” She cracked her knuckles. “Argh! Fine! Have it your way, Ember, but leave me alone!” He dropped me to the ground and retreated. We left the cave, Ember flying away with me on her back without railings or seat belts or anything but just holding on to her scales. “What were you thinking?!” she yelled at me. “You don't talk like that to an angry dragon!” “I might as well be dead, so why not? And, hey… I got a dragon attitude, so give me credit!” She rolled her eyes. “That's cute, but I don't think humans can withstand thousand-degree burns. You're better off being Lord of Important Papers back there.” 'least she still had a sense of humor. I gotta admit, it was fun flying a dragon. It's horrendously scary, but I enjoyed it... a little. One fantasy activity to check off the list. “Dragon Lord, Dragon Lord!” We stopped mid-flight. I lurched and bumped my nose on her scales. Another guard approached us. He looked scared. It's a bad sign when a dragon is scared. “What is it?” Ember asked. He pointed to the sea. “Dhamana's ambassador has arrived ahead of schedule.” Ember groaned. “Can she wait?” “Ishara says the sooner, the better.” She rubbed her eyes. “Fine. I'll bite.” Turning to me, “Sight, those papers can wait.” “But I thought they're important!“ “I can assign someone else to hold out until you come back with that university brain of yours. Besides, I said experience on the rugged ground, not theories on wallboards.” I wanted to say It's chalkboards, but fear got me again. Experience on the rugged ground... was she just holding me in that cave until she found a more hands-on job for me? Maybe a job that'd get me too acquainted with lava. I wanted to talk to unicorns and pretty ponies, not scary dragons. We landed by the airship port. Instead of just our airship, another was anchored there. It had sharp tribal markings all over. On deck, zebras went around, doing airship stuff. They wore cloaks and shawls and coats and rings and jewelries. I assumed Ishara was the zebra stepping out of the airship, ready to greet us. “Lord of all the Dragons, I believe,” she said. Ember nodded, shaking her hoof as I got off the dragon. “You believe right, Ishara.” “Indeed...” and she noticed me. “Yet who else do I perceive?” Oh, no. They'd told me about how most zebras spoke in rhyme. I forgot how to respond. Whether to rhyme or not. Had to choose. “Um, i-it's me... Sight See...?” I extended my hand. Lucky my name sort of rhymed. Was relieved I didn't anger them when she shook my hand. “Your humanity and name is clear to me,” Ishara said, “but how you're here in dragons' employ, I don't see.” I remember my fingers twitching. “Uh, I-I'm an intern from college. Ended up here to get some work experience!... yeah.” She raised her brows. Not sure if that's a good sign. “You may be perfect for this hour, since this dilemma may turn sour.” Ember crossed her arms again. She tapped her foot, too. Impatient. “Does it have to do with our trade deals for the portals?” “Without any doubt,” she said. Ishara began trotting back onto the zebras' airship. “Now both of you come; don't dally about!” So we went onto the airship—no, Ember shoved me to the deck. OK, I was in an ambassador's airship. Stay calm, I thought to myself. Be silent, observe all the social and cultural cues. Spices and herbs and other exotics—my sore nose couldn't take it. Witches and shamans crafted potions with special leaves and powders... I heard zebras of all different stripes speaking, some in Anglish (or was it Ponish here?), others in their own languages, all in rhyme. The crew's made of poets. When they removed the anchor and we sailed farther away from my home and friends, I felt ashamed. Felt stupid enough to get this far.