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// Ferrets In the Council, Stoats In the Senate, and A Weasel in the Family 
// Story: I'm Not A God! 
// by jwizard 
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Now, I know what you’re likely thinking.

You’re likely thinking that Prince Blueblood, the eternal boob, had at least something to do with what happened to Sunset.

Well, I got news for you; it wasn’t him. For starters, he’s neither that stupid. Then there’s the fact that he would have handled ‘the problem’ that Sunset represented a little more direct. Subtle Bluey isn’t.

Then there’s the fact- as already established -that a lot of Bluey’s public personal is an act. Not all though; as I said, He’s not very tactful.

However, I cannot say that his family wasn’t involved, as that would be lying.

Hm?

Oh, I’m getting to that. However, to do so is going to require a bit of explaining.

Trust me; this story is one of my more amusing ones.

Even if a lot of it is both sad and stupid.





To really understand what happened, and why it did, you have to go back a few years.

The first thing to keep in mind is that Sunset is not- as some would have you believe -an orphan. Nor is she Celestia’s child from an illicit affair.

What she is is the daughter of a common unicorn that married into one of the oldest Canterlot Houses. A mare that had a rather checkered past.

There are certain families that look down on foals being ‘born outside the Herd’ as they call it. Starlight Shimmer- a fine mare, one that doesn’t deserve the spite she was getting -had it hard before His Lordship Midnight Dreams of House Lemyre came calling.

Making the daughter of a ‘dirty commoner’ legitimate was only the first bone of contention. Her being picked- over Prince, who wasn’t interested anyway -for Celestia’s personal attentions was the other.
So a conspiracy was hatched. One that would eventually cause Sunset to either kill herself, or be imprisoned.

Why didn’t they just kill her outright?

Honestly, I have no idea. They certainly had the capacity-- ponies do have their share of sociopaths and ne'er-do-wells. Personally, I think it was because the head of the conspiracy was too paranoid.

And he was right to be; if I hadn’t intervened in my own inimitable fashion, things would have ended up far worse than they did.

And Equestria would have lost one of the few nobles that’s worth a damn.

But that’s a completely separate issue; let’s leave that rabbit hole for another day.

Why all the sidetracking?

*grins evilly*

You don’t think I’m going to just tell you who it was, do you?

Where’s the fun in that?

Besides which, all of this- excluding my involvement -is public record.

In any case, the bare bones of it is that a bunch of nobles and career bureaucrats tied to said nobles decided to ‘get rid of this common trash’ without fingering themselves or actually committing homicide.

It never occured to that collective circle of stupid that they were still guilty. But then, you know how it is with those in power; they think The Rules don’t apply to them.

They found out otherwise, to their regret, and to our general amusement.





How many detective stories have you read? Or watched?

Well, figuring out who was involved- I did have my suspicions, the un-lamented Ex-Lord Blue Blueblood being at the top of the list -was rather involved.

Investigating a case like this is rarely ever straightforward, even for me.

Magic was a fat load of help in anything except questioning witnesses- when there were any -and in communication. In fact, using magic only added to the time it took due to all the extra paperwork.

It took the collective efforts of myself, Luna, Discord, Twilight, Blueblood, Rarity, Fancy Pants, Fleur De Lis, and Lord Midnight the better part of sixteen months to gather what evidence there was. The reason why it did so is that we ended up landing hocks deep into one of the largest smuggling operations that Equestria had ever seen. One that involved the heads of at least fifteen percent of the noble class, and over fifty percent of Equestria’s legislative branch.

Tallyroot turned out to be the least of the things they were smuggling. Obsidian, dark mana (pure and crystallized forms), stolen Crystal Empire tech, forbidden tomes from Unicornia-- the list goes on. And that was just non-living; there was trade involving dragon and phoenix eggs, as well as frozen pony sperm and ova that had been altered magically.

The level of the conspiracy involved meant the near total collapse of Celestia’s government if handled poorly. Fortunately, Celestia had been working for years in streamlining Equestria’s government. None of that mattered to either Sunset or Fluttershy.

All of this came after though. The actual conspiracy was solved in a matter of days. I just didn’t realize that the Karmic Retribution ritual would have such a large affect.

Ah, hell, might as well admit the truth; I didn’t truly believe that it would work beyond the principals. In the past, it seldom did.

Then again, in the past, the spell didn’t usually have ‘turn them into mustelids’ as punishment. It was usually ‘turn them into stone’.

But I have to say that I found the bedlam to be wholly satisfying., if utterly chaotic. Seeing crooked politicians getting their just deserts- no matter how temporary -is oh so satisfying.





The actual scrying took several days, as I was unable to do more than a few hours at most.

Once I had some tentative locations, Luna sent her Lunar Guard out on some discrete raids. It would have been Celestia, but she wisely didn’t involve herself.

It only took five melted tea services and a destroyed high quality mattress to convince her.

But we were successful in proving that Lord Blue Blueblood had spent a small fortune in the purchase of three shipments of Tallyroot. And that the Secretary of the Interior, the Secretary of Defense, the Secretary of Foreign Affairs, and the Deputy Prime Minister were all involved.

Four of the highest pony offices were involved in violations of Equestrians trust. Needless to say, Celestia was fit to be tied. This time, it was seven tea services, and repanelling in her private quarters.

And that was just politicians.

Anyway, once I was sure that we had all we needed, we set a trap.

Celestia had not, as of yet, announced to the general public that Sunset had returned. I convinced the both of them that doing so would be a way that the conspirators couldn’t resist.

Sunset agreed with me; it took a long talk with both Twilights and Luna to get Celly to agree.

Lord Blueblood all but tripped over his hooves to prepare a final dose that would solve all of their problems. It was to be given to Sunset of the course of several days. Good thing that she didn’t have to eat any of it; a restaurant owned by Bluey provided hayburgers that had normal poppy seeds.

Several days later, a royal banquet was held in Sunset’s honor. The conspirators were gleefully waiting for a total collapse; judicious acting on Sunset’s part had given them confirmation that she was returning recorded behavior.

The most priceless bit of all of this was Sunset’s speech.

At the culmination of the various speeches made to congratulate Sunset to an honorary title of Princess, Sunset directed her last speech to a collection of nobles and political pundits with the following.

“Many of you are aware, despite efforts to change it, of my ‘banishment’ from Equestria. A banishment that has been of more benefit to me than anything else in my life.” Her gaze settled on Lord Blueblood as she continued her speech. “I have to thank those who tried- unsuccessfully -to have me sidelined. Though their efforts didn’t work as intended, they nonetheless enriched my life and the lives of others, and got me- for a time at least -out of their manes. Shame that I never considered them my peers. I come from common stock, and am proud of it. I have done all I can to make my mothers, my father, and my Teacher proud. I have the love of a wonderful girl whom I plan to marry. And a great deal of it is thanks to enemies who tried- and failed -to sideline one that has proven to be their better. Here’s to you m'lord; may your future endeavours be as unsuccessful as those that have past.”

It shouldn’t surprise you that the hapless lord wasn’t able to resist the bait. “It is so typical of a common pony to ridicule her betters.” He pointed at Sunset with an imperious hoof. “You are all celebrating a pony that has been proven, in the past, to be a credible threat to others. You’re willing to kiss her plot because of a freak magical event that has given her wings. But a leopard doesn’t change its spots. You should thank Harmony that I and others have taken steps to ensure that her time in the spotlight will be short. I promise you that.”

That’s when the Karmic Retribution I had cast several days before struck.

A brilliant corona of light appeared over the assembled ponies. I watched in slack-jawed amazement as an image of what could only be Epona herself shaking her head in disappointment before disappearing.

Flashes of spell energy targeted over half of the assembled. Lord Blueblood was turned into a weasel, as was the noble cronies that weren’t directly involved. The pundits were turned into ferrets, while the rest of those affected were turned into stoats.

Celestia, Luna, Cadance, Twilight, and Discord all looked at the bedlam in disbelief. The Lord of Chaos in particular could only shake his head in amazement.

“I’ve always known that Epona had it in her, but I didn’t know she could be this wonderfully chaotic.” I could only shrug helplessly; this was too much, even for me.

Not that I wasn’t enjoying it; both sunset and I were sporting smug grins of dark satisfaction.





Got more than you bargained for, didn’t you? Well, it was worse than just a smuggling operation.

Everything they were doing was in an effort to gain the funds necessary to hire mercenaries to take Equestria by force.

But Harmony always finds a way.

What happened afterwards?

A lot of clean-up, and a lot of restructuring in the annals of power. The fallout ended up giving Twilight more power than she was comfortable with at the time. To nopony’s surprise but her own, she not only held up under the pressure, but she proved that she was truly worthy of her title.

So, that’s the last of them. At least as far as first times are concerned; I’ve since provided other aid.

Mostly advice.

And friendship too.

The best magic there is, no matter how cheesy that sounds.