Light pierced the blinds of my darkened room, lighting colors of blue and yellow on the faded Wonderbolts poster on the far wall. The room showed the same old signs of neglect of three years of dust across the vivid purple walls and sandy yellow hardwood floors. This was my office true enough, but I had found solace in here after the accident. I never could bring myself to sleep in our bed after the fact, I struggled to close the doors to Cedar's and Lop's rooms. I don't know what hurt the most, the fact that I couldn't stand to see their rooms or the feeling of closing their doors for the last time.
The knowing that little hooves would never turn the knobs and ease them open in the dead of night to creep into our bedroom when they had a bad dream was visceral. It was a new kind of hurt that nopony talks about for fear of being looked at as mopey or macabre in their thoughts. It actually physically hurt, as though parts of my body were being removed by force just to do so.
Sometimes I wondered if I had two ponies inside me fighting for dominance over my live and how I felt. One of them wanting nothing more than for me to hurt all the time and to cry over the past all the time. It would force me to do things that hurt myself to try to end the very pain I was feeling caused by the other pony who was trying to get me to forget everything. The happy pony in me wanted to close out this chapter of my life, but it needed closure. Things like cleaning out the rooms of my kids, sleeping in my own bed and possibly selling this house and moving on with my life. But everything he wanted me to do hurt the other pony.
He would tear at the fabric of my sanity, forcing me to cut myself just so I could feel something different, something real that I could see. He would buck and fight for control anytime I would take a step in the right direction towards letting this all go. Some days it was easy to silence that feeling deep down that hurt so much, but others it would take control and try to make me end it. It was like play with matches in gas soaked clothes. One day he would win and it would be over. The happy pony in me had to win the fight between them every single time, but the dark part of me only had to get lucky once.
That had nearly happened last night, like so many other nights before it. Part of me was beyond grateful for what Cherry had done but a much bigger part of me wanted to do nothing more than make her feel the same pain I was. I think it is a need to feel validated in my actions. Maybe I just wanted ponies to not think that I'm being overly dramatic when I do stuff like that, maybe I just wanted them to have a taste of what I was feeling for once.
Granted part of it was annoyance from them saying "Cheer up!" or "Turn that frown upside down!"... Well golly frickin gee! I never thought of that! Here, let me take these razors and make blood soaked collage to stare at for a while! I'll just not be sad! It was so simple! Was I born without that personality type where I just can't let things go? Maybe I'm just different. Or... Maybe they are all colossal morons who refuse to feel anything except happiness. Oh how joyous that feeling must be.
I sat up on my now very worn down couch and hoofed around for my pack of cigarettes. Finding the pack wedged between the cushions, I scooped them out and subsequently broke all of the remaining sticks.
"Great! nothing like a three quarter smoke breakfast!" I mumbled as I flicked the lighter open, took that first drag of the morning and waited for the nic to hit my system.
Stars above did that feel good. There was nothing like a little taste of stimulant first thing in the morning. Some ponies drank coffee, I never had a taste for it, but this... this was my vice. One of these days I really needed to cook a actual breakfast and not just wait until four in the evening to eat something. Pancakes would be awesome! I would give anything for a big pile of fluffy, sugar coated goodness like that one day...
I sniffed the air. Ok, now I am going crazy... I swear I could smell them! The air around me was filled with the delicious scent of warm pastries. I stood up right, waiting for the dream to end and the alluring aroma to be replaced with the rank that was the smell of my office. But it never happened. It wasn't a dream, it was real.
I trotted downstairs only then remembering that Cherry had stayed the night on the couch in the living room. She wouldn't be so comfortable to just wake up and cook breakfast, could she? I mean I know she's persistent and all but beyond that and how short she is... I really don't know anything about her. My nose had barely cleared the kitchen door when I was attacked.
"MORNIN! Ain't it a beautiful day? I made pancakes!" Cherry belted. Wow, that is way too much energy for this hour... what was it? Seven? Eight am? I looked at the clock on the wall and was shocked,
"TWELVE PM!?"
"Eyup! You slept in sleepy head! Well, I did too, but hey! Who doesn't from time to time."
"How late was it when we made it here?"
"Like two am or something?" She said as she stopped to think... and accidentally letting a fresh half cooked cake slide out of the skillet and onto the floor. "Whops! Oh, I'll get it later." She said as she stepped in the mess.
"Hey! Come on now!"
"Oh, please... It's not like I'm making it worse. Seriously, when was the last time this place was cleaned." She said as she blew a pile of dust off the toaster, placed a few slices of old bread in it and set it to cook.
"Careful! You will ruin the aesthetic!"
"Yeah, yeah... Hey, don't you have a job or something? Do you always sleep this late?" She said as she once again turned her attention to the stove.
"No... I haven't worked in years."
"Oh come on with that! How can you afford this big house and all this stuff without a job?"
"The house is paid for."
"Whoa... What are you? Rich or something?"
"Not exactly, no. I though you were going to leave in the morning. What happened to that?"
"Gee... Thank you Cherry for make me pancakes! I know I look like I haven't seen food in years but I'm actually flush with food!"
"Alright! Ease up will ya? I'm not a morning pony."
"Well good, because it's noon and you are being rude to your house guest."
"Why are you doing this?" I said as I sat at the table to finish my smoke.
"Well... When I woke up this morning, I went looking for food... After I found your liquor collection the the fridge, in most of the cabinets and pretty much everywhere else food hides... I went to the store to get pancake mix."
"You don't need to spend your money on me. I'm just some random buck."
"Look, I wanted pancakes. You have a stove. Do you want pancakes or not?"
"Fair point."
I bit my tongue. I wanted her out of my house! she was just... Just... Making herself at home as if it were her own! I had not touched anything since the accident, not a pot or a pan! The kitchen was Lolly's domain and she hated anything being out of place... Well, truth be told the whole house was her domain, I just fixed things when they broke. The bedroom, the bathrooms, the living room... Now the shed out back and my office? Those were mine to call the shots in, but outside of that, I was basically the repair pony.
Cherry dropped a plate in front of me filled with a those hot gooey cakes I had waiting all this time for and sat across from me. And now she was sitting in Lolly's spot... Everything she was doing was so incredibly nice and so incredibly infuriating at the same time. I did my best to hide the anger away long enough to eat an actual meal for the first time in months.
"So... Chance. You live in this house and don't owe rent on it, you don't work and judging by the the liquor in this house you damn sure are not worried about money... What gives?" The question stuck me as impolite seeing as we had just met, more so it took me off guard. I was eating tasty food and feeling no pain for the first time in a while, so I did something I never thought I could. I slipped up.
"Law suites do that sort of thing."
"Oh, you sued somepony! That makes sense now."
"What!? How!?"
"Well you make your money suing ponies and you could not live with the guilt so you tried to off yourself!" She said in excitement.
"What!? NO! I never-"
"Can't say that I blame you, the guilt must be hell!"
"NO! Stop! Just stop... That's not even remotely close... Where do you get off!?"
"Well, if not that, then what? You know you owe me that much for saving you, right?"
"I don't owe you a damn thing! I didn't want your 'help' and I don't want to talk about it!"
"Look bucko... You may think what you were doing was the right thing for you, but I know better than that! You think pain just goes away when you die? No! It doesn't! You hurt ponies you didn't even know!"
"You have no clue what I know about death!" I said through my teeth. "You want to know about hurt? You want to know what it's like to be on that end of the stick?"
"Calm down... It's not like I shot your puppy or something. I just want to know is all." She said as calm as a cucumber.
"Why should I tell you anything!" I shouted as I slid the plate of half eaten cakes into the floor. "Why!? What make you so damn special to me!? What make you think you should know my problems!?" I shouted. What was her deal!? Any reasonable pony would have ran by now.
"BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE!" She screamed as she bolted upright. "I've stood in your place and I've felt the pain! What makes you think you are so special that you get to just end it all and no one can hurt for you!?" The sudden outburst threw me off guard. What did she know about what I was going through!? How could she be so damn arrogant!?
"Oh what the hell do you know, to you I'm just another sad buck with too much time oh his hooves! You think I want to be this way? You think I went there last night to get attention!?"
"NO! No... I know you didn't." She said as she put a hoof on my shoulder."I know that what you need right now... is somepony to talk to. You think doing that will make things better for you, but it won't. You need to get passed whatever it is that is driving you to that point."
"You know, for some random mare, you see to know a lot about me... What exactly do you know?"
"I know what it's like to hurt. I know what it's like to shut the world out to the point that you are all alone with nothing but the nightmares. I know what it's like to hate yourself." She said as she trotted into the living room.
"You know about hurt? I mean I know you are short and all, but the teasing couldn't have been that bad." I said as I followed her.
"It's not the teasing that hurt so much... it's when they don't say anything at all." She said as she put her saddle bags over her haunches and started for the door.
"Hey... listen. I didn't know... You don't have to leave." I said trying to stop her.
"No, I do. I have chores to deal with, it's just lucky that my chores are here in town at my families shop."
"Look... I'm sorry for the way I acted. It's just... a lot of what I'm going through, I never talk to other ponies about it. I can't! I feel like they can't relate or that they don't want to hear my sob story for fear of-"
"Make them sad? Yeah, tell me about it. Everypony just trots around in a cloud of happiness all the time as if nothing er wrong with them."
"Yeah... That! Listen, if you have time, I think I would like to see you again. I don't know what i'm doing, maybe I'm just on autopilot here, but I feel better after talking with you. Knowing I'm not alone here, you know?"
"Trust me, you are not alone. But you have to actually talk, not scream."
"Yeah! I mean... Yeah. Sorry about that."
"If you like, I could bring some stuff over later and maybe cook us some dinner?" She said with a smile.
"Yeah, I think I would like that."
"Well, you try not to get into trouble while I'm out, I'll see you soon." And with a flick of her tail, the door closed.
"Bye... Cherry."
This had to be the strangest 24 hours I have had in a LONG time. In less than a moment I went from hating somepony to wishing they wouldn't leave. What was so wrong with me that I could swing my emotions like that? Was it a need to vent? Maybe talking really did help me. Or, maybe she's a spy sent here from the Ministry of Moral... No that's just silly...
Wait, did my mopey ass just think of something... silly? No, noway! Whoa that's weird. Hello strange emotion I have not felt in a while, how are you? Don't mind the blood stains and razors, it's been a weird week... month... years. And I'm sad again, awesome. Guess I'm just so deep in my place that even something funny can trigger all kinds of depression. What hell I live with just to breath a little longer.
The hours ticked by, some of which I spent staring off into space. I was great at that, I could have gone pro in fact if not for my bum wing. But even though that dark part of my brain wanted nothing more than to atone for somepony giving a rat's ass about me by standing in silence, I some how managed to do something truly amazing. Something so earth shattering that even I was amazed... I did the dishes AND I trimmed the grass.
I was rather proud of myself when I had finished, It had not been touched for... Well to be honest I had adopted a 'twice a year whether it needed it or not' approach to lawn care. This was hell for my neighbors seeing as one of them was trying to sell their house next door to what equated to a haunted house and the other was the town florist. She was always so sweet towards me. She even trimmed my grass a few times, granted it was probably because she couldn't see anything passed it, but it was still nice of her.
Her lawn was always perfect in every way. Roses blooming, grass was neat and tidy with out the nearest sign of a weed in sight! To be honest I had kind of a 'dad crush' as Lolly used to say on her grass. But being in the trade afforded her so many tricks and what not to keeping it perfect. Me... I was just another buck who slaved away for the government. Now, if she had ever needed insight on the inner workings of inter pony relationships, I was just the buck for the job!
Come to think of it, I did notice that she was watching me with a little smile on her face when she came home and saw me mowing the lawn. I bet she was thinking 'Oh thank goodness, I was about to do that myself!'. Now the other ponies next door... Well there was not getting passed the fact that I hated them... him... whatever. Was that just some kind of a dad thing? My dad hated one of his neighbors too, so did his dad come to think of it. What was it about the Dinkles that I hated so much!? I even botched the trimming near his shrubs to the point of nearly sending one of them to shrub heaven!
Look at me, sitting here waiting for a mare and not being depressed... Thinking about all these old memories that were not sad at all. The alien feeling of not dealing with pain or regrets was an old friend I had not dwelt on in quite sometime. I was even thinking about my old job back in Canterlot, I was even THINKING like a investigator again. Well, kinda. Before I would just try to make Dinkle talk himself in a circle for fun, but hey, it was a start.
But I know that eventually all this will come crashing back down. I was just riding a serious high of endorphins from nearly dying yet again. It was like the closer I got to actually pulling it off, the better the high was. Was I becoming numb to the feeling of surviving? Was my body being forced more and more to the limit of what it could take for me to have these rare moments of happiness?
It scared me to think that maybe one day I would go too far. Maybe that I would actually succeed in making it back home. It never scared me before, why now? Was it the taste of happiness? Was it talking to the short mare who stopped my attempt? What was it!? Better feeling as I was, I was confused and still scared. Was this all going to crash harder than it ever had before? I guess I will have to wait and see.