//------------------------------// // Legless Reptiles Aboard a Public Transportation Vehicle // Story: My Life's a Sitcom // by Ashfur //------------------------------// The snow on the ground was thick as a family of three wheeled their suitcases up their walkway and into their house.  Among the three of them, Laugh Track bounded in first, shaking off the cold. “Woohoo! Finally home from Grandma's. That train ride was too long!” “Agreed,”  His mother, Punchline, concurred.  “And while I certainly didn't want to take the late train and get home at 1 in the morning, somepony insisted on it to save bits.”  She shot a glare at her husband Slap Stick.  He sheepishly grinned. “At least we got home, right?  You two go to the bathroom, I'll start unpacking.” Laugh and Punchline were more than happy to have the chance of relieving themselves, Laugh taking the hall bathroom while his mother retreated to the master bathroom.  Slap sighed, setting up one of the suitcases in his room and opening it, sifting through its contents. “Let's see…  Beach towel, need to wash that.  Pillowcase, need to wash that. The birdhouse Grandma gave us after it fell in the yard...Wait, what's that?”  As soon as the words left his muzzle, a colorful snake popped its head out of the luggage, flicking its tongue at him inquisitively. Time slowed to a crawl for Slap as his instincts sent a shiver up his spine.  Then, in a moment of pure genius, he shut the suitcase, trapping the reptile inside.  “SWEET CELESTIA'S TEATS!” He cried out in shock. “GET OVER HERE NOW!” Not a moment later, both ponies dashed into the room, having just finished going.  “Dad, what the heck?! You never curse. Are you okay?” “There's a snake in the suitcase.” Punchline and Laugh Track took a moment to process this, blinking.  “Uh, honey,” Punchline began, “I appreciate your attempts at it, but stand-up comedy is my talent.  And it's too late for jokes.” “Yeah Dad, not funny.” Slap shook his head.  “No, there ACTUALLY is a snake.  And it was colorful.” “...what?  No seriously… WHAT?!” Punchline took a cautious step back.  “Burn the suitcase. Burn it.” “I agree Dad, burn it.” “Will you two relax?”  Slap pleaded. “I closed the suitcase.  It's stuck in there. We'll just open it outside and let it out.  Problem solved.” “And what if it bites our dog Yappers?  What if it's venomous, and a… what did you call it again, Laugh, sweetie?” “An invasive species, Mom.  And that would be bad.  Burn it, Dad.” “I'm not gonna burn it!  Let's go outside and get a better look.” And so, the trio went outside into the cold night air, each arriving with something to deal with the snake.  Slap Stick brought a long wooden rod to drag the snake out of the bag. Punchline brought a luminous crystal so they could see.  And Laugh Track brought… “Son, where did you get four swords?” “Okay first off, these are katanas.  Second, Uncle Heavy Set sent me them for Hearth's Warming a few years back, remember?  He may collect crazy stuff be he sure knows how to find cool stuff. I don't even read Nieghponese Manga and I like these!  When the snake attacks you, you'll thank me.” Slap rolled his eyes.  “And what exactly are you going to do?” “Use my legendary Four Kingdoms Sword Style!  Nopony knows it except me mainly because I just created it, and it uses special moves like the blade claw, whirling windmince, and my ultimate move!” “Which is what?” “Throw all four swords at it and run away.  I call it the Yeet and Retreat!” “Of course you do.  Hey, better idea. Why don't we go get that Earth Pony, Animal Control, who lives down the road?  He could probably help us.” “Well, good news.  This little guy is just a corn snake.  He was probably more scared of you than you were of it!”  Animal Control laughed as his newest reptile friend slithered through his mane to find a warm spot to sleep.  “If you want, I could fish him out of my mane and you could adopt the little gu-” “NO!”  Laugh, Slap, amd Punchline cried in unison, almost replicating the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Well, then I'll keep him.”  And with that, he left the family be. Punchline spoke up.  “Are we still burning the suitcase?” “No, sweetie.” “Hey Mom!  Mom. Moooom.  We smuggled a snake on our railroad trip home.  Guess what movie that means we lived through?” “Laugh, don't you dare!” “SNAKES ON A TRAIN!”