//------------------------------// // Chapter 1: Meet the Stranger // Story: Dan vs. Mysterious Stranger // by Typist Gray //------------------------------// “I don’t like it,” Pinkie said, hugging her hands around her shoulders as if to keep warm. Today she’d decided to wear a white tank top and a sky blue dress as her poofy pink hair bounced behind her with each step. Before, back in Equestria, she’d only ever worn clothing for special occasions. But ever since coming here, to this world, she’d grown to better appreciate Rarity’s taste for fashion by buying a whole closet full of everyday clothes. Her desire to wear different combinations of tops and bottoms every day, however, had caused quite the conniption among the clothes selling vendors of the city. She didn’t know why informing the cashier of her desire to buy no fewer than three different skirts to wear in no particular order always led to a small riot as the store’s workers and patrons suddenly became overcome with the urge to just wreck stuff and set other stuff on fire. However, it was just one of the things she’d begrudgingly become accustomed to since living here. “What is it now?” Dan asked. His tone was irate, but he still wrapped a hand around Pinkie’s waist to pull her in close. “It better not be anything weird.” The shorter man with greasy hair and a black goatee was wearing his signature black ‘Jerk’ shirt. He, like most of the people in this world, had a closet full of matching sets of clothes, giving one the impression that he wore the exact same outfit every day, which Dan did anyways. However, he had proven remarkably tolerant of his beloved girlfriend’s quirks and (almost) never went into a blind rage over the things she wore. There were so many infuriating things about this world that were far more deserving of his ire. And ever since Pinkie came into his life, Dan had gotten a lot better about pacing himself between vengeance runs. Pinkie quirked an eyebrow at Dan and smiled good-naturedly. “You wouldn’t know what weird is if it ran up and tried to sell you insurance.” Dan considered his girlfriend’s words a moment. “I’d probably test out my new power punch on it,” he flexed his fist for emphasis, “but I concede your point. In that case, it better not be something that’ll take more than a couple hours to deal with.” Pinkie smiled, glad for Dan’s understanding. “I’m honestly not sure,” she admitted as the pair of them walked down the stairs of their apartment building. “It’s just… you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched?” “Oh Pinkie,” Dan sighed in exasperation and patted her smooth back, confirming the absence of a bra. “We’ve been over this already. We are being watched. The government has spies and surveillance everywhere, watching and recording everything we say and do. That’s why we comb the bathroom for hidden cameras every other Thursday,” he explained in his most reassuring tone. Against all odds, Dan’s words did nothing to make Pinkie feel better. “I know that, but this feels different somehow.” She looked around the rundown neighborhood in the hopes of spying whatever it was that was spying on her. “It’s like… more focused. Instead of a fixed camera on the windowsill tracking our every move, it’s like there’s an invisible stalker walking-” Pinkie’s eyes widened in alarm. Exercising superhuman clarity in guessing where Pinkie was going with this, Dan proceeded to spin around and deliver a roundhouse kick to the space immediately behind them. “Hi ya!” he crowed triumphantly, ready to look like a total badass as he delivered righteous vengeance to whatever screw head was upsetting his lady love. Instead, his foot passed through open air. Time slowed down a moment for Dan and he was allowed a rare moment to think back on his hasty response and wonder if, just perhaps, he should have acted with a smidgen more caution. Fortunately Pinkie managed to catch him in her arms before he fell. The two decided to make the most of the false alarm by staring into one another’s eyes with the sort of lovey dovey schmaltz that Dan normally hated under pretty much any other circumstance. At least there were no twittering birds this time; no doubt because they’d learned their lesson. The quiet of the midmorning was broken with the sound of casual applause. “Smooth.” Dan and Pinkie’s eyes darted up at the sound of the new voice. There, laying down with his head poking over the roof of the apartment, was a man neither of them recognized. He had a full mane of hair, a chiseled face that Ryan Reynolds would sell his left nut for, and eyes so beautiful that both lovers had to fight from being sucked into their radiance. “So… beautiful,” Dan awed. “Don’t look!” Pinkie cried. “He’ll suck out your soul!” “I actually won’t,” the stranger corrected nonchalantly. “That’s not something I can do; at least not without help. I can, however, do other things.” He waggled his eyebrows with nefarious suggestiveness. Pinkie spun around and held her hands out in defense of the only lifeline to sanity she had in this world. However, in so doing, she’d inadvertently engulfed Dan’s head in the poofy pink mass of unholy horror that was her hair, forcing him to bear witness to the terrors within. “You stay away from Dan!” she growled. “I won’t let you take him!” “Question,” the stranger said, raising his hand like he were a character in a cheap anime trying to signal that he was the one speaking. “What exactly did I do to make you think I wanted to hurt Dan? As far as you can prove, I’ve just been sitting up on the roof this whole time like some wannabe super hero trying to brood.” Pinkie blinked owlishly, and then found an answer. “We don’t know you,” she declared. “You’re up on the roof while I’m having freaky deaky stalker paranoia, and the narration keeps referring to you as ‘stranger.’ Between that and some of the other dangers I’ve faced since coming here, at this point I’m expecting the worst case scenario.” The stranger regarded Pinkie for a time and clucked his tongue. “Although I agree with your line of reasoning for warranting caution – especially regarding the narration part – I’m afraid I fail to see how any of this would lead to a worst case scenario,” he explained logically. “The weather is nowhere near suitable for a kaiju to fight an army of cyborg zombie squirrels. And, not to be rude, but I think you might be overestimating Phil Collins’ swordsmanship.” “Who told you about our anti-Phil Collins protocol!?” demanded Pinkie. She didn’t ask about the first part, as she had to admit he had a point. “I believe you were saying something earlier about freaky deaky stalker paranoia,” the stranger replied evenly. “Ah ha! So you were spying on us!” “Never said I wasn’t,” the annoyingly calm stranger said. “However, that still doesn’t prove I’m actually of any danger to you.” “Where’s Twilight when you need her?” Pinkie grumbled, remembering the time she’d used the purple mare as a machine gun. “Your Twilight or this world’s Twilight? Because both would have their uses.” “Hey. Stop eavesdropping on my conversations with myself!” “Um… no?” “Damn,” Pinkie hissed. She couldn’t think of a rebuttal for that one. She should probably ask Dan for help. Dan was super smart and had a flare for witty comebacks. Come to think of it, her most favoritest person in the whole world had been awfully silent for some time. Pinkie turned around, not realizing that her motions had pulled Dan’s head out of her mane. It was only then, staring into Dan’s vacant eyes, that Pinkie fully read the narration and realized what she’d done to him. “Oh crap!” “Fascinating,” the stranger said, continuing to watch from his perch. “Hey. You can shut up!” Pinkie growled, snapping around to face the stranger. “If you weren’t-” “Your hair,” the stranger warned. “Shoot!” Pinkie hissed, spinning around once more. Dan’s eyes were still blank, but now he was wearing a smile that even Pinkie found unsettling. “I can smell colors,” Dan whispered. His voice had an unearthly echo to it that caused every animal in a 50 yard radius to flee the area, and Mr. Mumbles to flee into her custom made kitty bunker. “They sing to me.” “No Dan! No! Don’t listen to the singing!” Pinkie grabbed Dan by the shoulders and shook him desperately. His head bobbed back and forth like a bobble toy, but he gave no response. “Have you considered a haircut?” the stranger asked. “Give that bush a modest trim and this wouldn’t even be a problem. Or is it like Disney’s Rapunzel where any damage would kill the magic?” “This is no time to be talking about my bush!” Pinkie screamed loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear. “Like I care,” she howled indignantly at the narration. “My boyfriend’s head got stuck in my bush, and now he’s practically a vegetable. How am I supposed to huggle-snuggle with a vegetable?” She was far too perturbed to consider what the answer to her rhetorical question might be. “Maybe I can help?” “Gah!” Pinkie jumped back several feet at the sight of the stranger on the ground. “When did you get here?” Her gaze snapped repeatedly between where the stranger was now and where he had been. “Oh, I’ve been here from the start,” the stranger replied cryptically, only adding to Pinkie’s boiling pot of frustration. The stranger, now looking at Dan, wore a- “Seventeen,” Pinkie muttered darkly as her mane began to flatten out, marking the emergence of the self that was far less pleasant to be around. … The stranger wore blue jean shorts and a white shirt with a picture of a DeLorean crashing into a police phone box on the front. He was a full head taller than Pinkie, but his facial features were oddly nondescript, almost as though there were something hindering the ability of others to look at him with any degree of focus. He ignored Pinkie and her barely veiled threat of how many times she intended to stab him, keeping his eyes on Dan as he circled the smaller man. “Don’t worry. I think he might actually be alright.” Pinkie scowled. “Explain,” she said with a sinister hiss. The stranger pressed a finger to the side of Dan’s head and pushed him several inches. He then removed the pressure and let Dan lethargically bounce back. “I don’t think he’s suffered any sort of permanent damage. Similar to his immunity to pepper spray, I believe Dan has actually developed a defense mechanism to psychological traumas outside of his usual daily irritants,” the stranger explained knowledgably, challenging Pinkie for being the most well-informed and familiar when it came to Dan’s peculiar- “Oy!” Pinkie snapped at the narration. “You’re here to report the news. Stop injecting your stupid commentary into everything!” … “Anyway,” the stranger continued patiently. “It’s my assessment that, in order to protect his psyche, Dan has actually retreated into his own subconscious. This will have sufficiently shielded him from stimuli that mortal minds were simply not built to process.” Pinkie scowled angrily at the stranger. Given what little she knew about her pink poof, what he was saying seemed to make sense. The way her sisters had changed after embarking to explore inside her mane for several days came most prominently to mind. However, that was exactly the problem. Who was this guy to go around talking about Dan as if he was the man’s personal doctor? “You’re not Dan’s doctor,” Pinkie accused, shaking in anger. She had already gone several minutes without her comfort object and was beginning to pay the toll. “How do you know all this stuff?” “That’s not important right now,” the stranger dismissed evasively. “What matters is treatment.” He poked Dan from the other side this time. “In my humbly expert opinion, I’d recommend a shock of sufficient intensity to snap the angry little man back to reality.” Pinkie pursed her lips, hating that she was agreeing with this stranger… whom she was getting sick of referring to as stranger. “So what’d you have in mind?” The stranger positioned himself behind Dan, lowering himself as he turned the smaller man to fully face Pinkie. “If you ever want to hear your boyfriend yell at you again, I recommend you hold still.” Pinkie’s distrust and ire were temporarily overridden by the seventh most horrible thing she could imagine. She and Dan loved each other so much that they’d actually once beaten one another bloody because they couldn’t agree on who loved who more. The idea of her beloved never yelling at her ever again almost brought tears to the young woman’s’ eyes. This was just the sort of healthy relationship the two- “What’d I just say!?” Pinkie snapped, facing the sky. … “That’s what I thought,” she grumbled. Although Pinkie wasn’t 100% on how it was possible to stab narration, she’d learned that the boundless power of revenge could make all sorts of things possible, which in turn made the narrator finally remember his place. As this was taking place, the stranger had been making slight adjustments to Dan. He straightened the usually angry man’s posture, adjusted his pants a few degrees, tilted his head to just the right angle, and attended all manner of other minutia that wasn’t worth going into. Finally he seemed satisfied with his work and moved behind the little man. He placed a hand on Dan’s shoulder while the other was moved to prime flicking position at the back of the greasy man’s greasy hair. “Not that greasy,” Pinkie muttered. “Are you ready, Pinkie?” the stranger asked. “I’m about to start.” “Start what? And what exactly do I need to do?” “Just stand right there and try not to move,” the stranger instructed as he took aim. “This probably won’t hurt a bit.” “Wat?” *POW* With a single flick of the stranger’s fingers, Dan had been sent flying several yards towards Pinkie. The pink haired girl had no time to wonder how or when the two had become so distant. She could only act on reflex, holding out her arms and then catching Dan as he impacted her. The force of the blow knocked the wind out of her and caused her feet to slide back almost 2 meters, leaving a slight skid where her shoes had been. “Ugh,” Pinkie grunted, hoping that her chest hadn’t been bruised. “That hurt.” She looked down and found her vision filled with Dan’s short and messy hair. She longed to see his face, but it had been partially engulfed by her bosom. “Dan? Dan!?” She raised her voice, fearful that whatever that stunt was meant to do had failed and Dan would be a vegetable forever! “Hewo, Hwinkie,” came Dan’s muffled reply through her shirt and sweater puppies. “Dan!” Squeeing in elation, Pinkie scooped her arms around Dan’s back and hoisted him high in the air, spinning him around jubilee. “You’re-back-you’re-back-you’re-back!” Dan mumbled something, but his words were drowned out by Pinkie’s celebrating and constricting. “Uh, Pinkie.” Pinkie paused in her spinning to stare at the stranger. She was still wary of him, but his resurrection of Dan had at least made it so that she no longer wished to stab him. “Hmm?” The stranger gestured down at Dan. Pinkie followed his line of sight, only to now realize that Dan had been slamming his fists to her sides and tearing his fingers into her clothing to get her attention. “Han’t breaaave!” he screamed while trying to pull his head free from his ridiculously strong girlfriend’s normally heavenly chest. Pinkie immediately unlocked her arms and let Dan drop. He managed to fall on his feet as he gasped for sweet oxygen, but still toppled forward and had to plant his hands on the warm concrete below. Pinkie stood by and watched, waiting for Dan to regain his breath. In time, he looked up and fixed the love of his life with a ‘what is wrong with you’ look. Pinkie giggled nervously and twirled a finger in her mane. “I trust all is satisfactory?” the stranger inquired. “I’ve been worse,” Dan coughed. Pinkie offered to help him stand, which he accepted. “Of course I’ve also been better, so I guess that puts this experience somewhere in the unpleasant middle.” “So long as you’re able to run and fight, that’s all that matters.” Brushing himself off, Dan finally looked up at the stranger, taking his first serious look at the unnamed man who had already caused him so much grief in just a short span of time. “Hey. Who are you, anyway?” “My name is Fel,” the stranger answered with a cordial bow. “Most people call me an @$$-hole. You may call me whatever you like, although ‘your most magnificent highness’ would also be acceptable.” Dan stared flatly at the now named man, hoping it wasn’t spelled weirdly in the event the name had to go in his journal. “I’m not doing that.” “Me neither!” Pinkie agreed. Ignoring her, Dan took a step forward towards the named but still unknown man, slightly positioning himself between the man and Pinkie. “Also, what were you doing on our roof?” Fel shrugged nonchalantly. “Getting the lay of the land, acclimating myself to strange smells, and spying on persons of interest.” “You mean us?” Dan asked. Fel smiled. “Besides your neighbor, Jean, who else lives in that apartment whose even remotely as interesting as you two?” “Mr. Mumbles,” Pinkie declared. “Shut up!” Dan hissed. “Don’t go blabbing about our emergency assets.” Pinkie grinned, relieved to see Dan back to his old self, and mimed zipping her lips closed. Fel, watching this exchange, let out a sigh. “You’re lucky I know better. Otherwise I’d be interfering with what could be misconstrued as a very unhealthy relationship.” Dan’s frown deepened. “Ya know, I really don’t care for busybodies who always try sticking their noses where they don’t belong.” Keeping to her vow of silence, Pinkie held up a sign with letters written in crayon. ‘It’s true.’ “Now tell me why you’re here and why I shouldn’t sic Pinkie on you like an attack dog,” Dan demanded, ignoring how Pinkie began making authentic angry dog sounds. “Fair enough,” Fel allowed. “Like Pinkie, I did not come to this world by choice. My life has been plagued by interdimensional jackasses who have made it their hobby of throwing nonsense my way whenever it suits them.” Dan tensed in alarm. “You mean-?” “No, not TOK,” Fel cut in. “I know of The Order Keepers, the extradimensional entities that have attempted to banish and murder Pinkie on several occasions. However, I’ve yet to have the pleasure of meeting them, or punching them in the face for their blasphemous claims of godhood. Mine is a different, but no less jackassery group of jackasses.” “Is that racist?” Pinkie asked Dan after miming unzipping her lips. “You tell me,” he allowed, forgetting his earlier desire for her silence. “Sure, we’ve also got talking jackasses in our world, but ours aren’t so literal.” “I won’t bore you with all the grimy details,” Fel continued. “However, I am basically stuck in this world until such time as I get involved with a ‘significant event,’” he said with air quotes. “And no, I’m not being deliberately obtuse. It’s exactly as vague as it sounds,” he conceded despondently. “However, my way home won’t be unlocked until this nebulous condition is met.” Dan nodded along. “That’s very interesting. Now get to the part where that’s our business.” “Don’t be rude, Dan,” Pinkie chided, suddenly finding herself feeling sympathy for a kindred spirit. “And why not?” “Well…” Pinkie started to say, only to trail off in thought. If she reminded Dan about the first time he’d helped an interdimensional stranger and all the good that doing so had brought into his life, he’d probably just counter that this stranger wasn’t remotely as sexy, which was an argument she couldn’t rebuke. Instead, she decided to appeal more directly to Dan’s self-interest. “He helped save you from being a vegetable. We kinda owe him.” Whether it was retribution for a grievance inflicted upon him or a favor he owed to another, Dan had always hated debt. “Which wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t distracted you,” Dan countered. “Not necessarily,” Fel cut in. “Then again, I’m guessing you two don’t try too many positions where Pinkie has her back to you.” Then he frowned in puzzlement. “Hold on. How do you two spoon?” Dan crossed his arms. “Ya know, poking your nose into my and my girlfriend’s sex lives isn’t exactly doing you any favors.” “I’m just trying to figure out how this problem is only surfacing now,” Fel insisted. “You’d think with how often you two go at it…” He trailed off, leaving his point unstated yet understood. “Although you raise an interesting point that’s worth looking into later,” Dan admitted, “I’m still not seeing how that’s relevant to us.” Fel huffed and let his shoulders droop. “Ah yes. Compensation.” He whickered his exasperation. “Normally, this would be the point when I’d offer to pay you guys as much as you want with what I’d earned from playing the stock market-” “How long have you been here, again?” Pinkie asked. “Oh… About two hours,” Fel answered. “Anyway, I know you guys already have unlimited money thanks to that magic wallet, so that’s not an option.” “You’ve managed to learn all this just from stalking us for less than two hours?” Pinkie asked, somewhat frightened. “While also having time to play the stock market?” “Basically,” Fel affirmed. “I’m also aware that, despite surface appearances, you two are actually incredibly happy together. You share in many likes and most friends. You give support when the other is in need, and actually make each other better in doing so. You manage to spend just about every waking and sleeping minute together without needing a break, which in itself is an impressive accomplishment.” Both lovers beamed from the well-deserved praise. “There’s never a dull moment with you two constantly working to keep things interesting, or sometimes you just roll with the punches and accept whatever crazy adventure life throws at you. And on top of it all,” he paused for dramatic effect, “you are both head-over-heels in lust with one another.” Dan and Pinkie looked at one another. “Ya know, if he were one of our friends, I’d find it cute that he knows us so well,” Pinkie bubbled. “Instead of, you know, how freaky stalkery it is right now.” “I’d consider it creepy either way,” Dan retorted. “Which brings us back to square one,” Fel resumed. “Since I can’t bribe you, play off your sympathies, and I’m really not up for threatening you two-” “Good thinking,” Dan intoned warningly. Fel kept his expression impassive. Although he’d already been threatened by these two several times, something normally intolerable, he spoke honestly when he said that he didn’t want to fight them. He wasn’t at full strength at the moment, and both Dan’s and Pinkie’s abilities had poorly defined limits that he did not wish to contest. On top of that, there was still the significant event to deal with; whatever that turned out to be. For now, he’d hold his tongue, bide his time, and wait to seek revenge on these two at a later date. That, he mused, would be the best way to abide by this world’s laws and cultural norms. “I have considerable knowledge regarding interdimensional travel,” he told the pair. “Put me in contact with pony Twilight, and we can work together on a means to bridge this world and Equestria.” Pinkie frowned, both in skepticism and apprehension. Months ago, when she’d first come to this awful, terrible place, she’d have jumped on such an offer in a heartbeat. However, since that time, she’d met so many wonderful new friends, not least of whom was Dan. Dan got her in a way her other friends just never did. He encouraged where others would dismiss. He’d help where others would hinder, usually out of fear of violating common decency or whatever. Also, Dan was super-hot, which was always a bonus when it came to lovers. After all that she’d endured, and that Dan had helped her through, Pinkie wasn’t sure if she’d be willing to leave Dan behind, not even for the chance to go back home. “The goal of our research,” Fel continued, “would be the creation of a stable wormhole between worlds. That way you and your friends could travel to and fro on a whim. Go to Equestria if you want some peaceful relaxation, and then come to Earth when you feel like breaking stuff. It would literally be the best of both worlds.” “Yes!” Pinkie screamed. “We’re doing that!” “Goof ball?” Pinkie rounded on her shorter mate. “Dan! Dan-Dan-Dan-Dan-Dan-Danny-Dan!” “I’m going to pretend you didn’t just butcher my name.” Pinkie had to think fast. She couldn’t sway Dan with the promise of meeting all of her Equestrian friends. He’d already spoken with all of them through the magic mirror, making an overall positive impression. Given Dan’s track record with parents in general, he probably wouldn’t be too keen on the chance to meet her folks. Trying the diverse pallet of Equestrian goodies wouldn’t work either, because the best baker in two worlds (herself) was already on Earth. Eventually, after several nanoseconds of deep thought, Pinkie found something she felt would appeal specially to Dan. “If this portal doesn’t do automatic transformations like the one Twilight uses, then we can invite your accidental arson buddy along for a shopping day!” Dan blinked. “T-take Spike-” “Mh hmm.” “-the dragon-” “Ya huh.” “-who breathes fire-” “Indeedy do!” “-out with us while we enact righteous vengeance upon the filthy, ignorant, unwashed masses for their countless crimes against common decency?” “Yappers!” Pinkie chirped excitedly, happy at the fervor and passion in Dan’s words. Dan quickly tempered his enthusiasm before turning to face the newcomer. He coughed into his fist. “Well then, after much discussion with my colleague here,” he began cordially. “We have decided to allow you… to… What was it you wanted again?” Fel did not answer right away. Rather, he stared past the pair and off into space. “Am I high?” he asked no one in particular. “I think this universe is making me high.” He held his palm up to his face. His hand glowed in a sphere of light that opened up like a flower to reveal transparent screens depicting charts and lines of code. “There’s really no other way I could be so tolerant of such maliciousness presented so blatantly before me.” “Uh, guy?” Dan called. “Hmm? Oh, yes. Right,” Fel replied distractedly, keeping his eyes on the holo-screens. “I just want to hang out with you guys until the inevitable weirdness happens. I’ll get involved and that’ll be enough to unlock my way home. At least that’s the working hypothesis.” “How weird are we talking?” Pinkie asked. “Like, good Keanu Reeves weird, run for our life weird, Chris says something smart weird? The list just goes on.” Fel nodded grimly as the holo-screens vanished. “Knowing my luck, it’ll be something that tries to kill us.” “Oh good!” Pinkie exhaled in relief. “I lost a bet with Elise and had to marathon the entire Matrix trilogy. So now I’m all Keanu Reevesed out.” “You and me both,” Dan grumbled. Fel gave a pained smile and closed his fist, deactivating the holo-screens. It was the sort of smile most commonly displayed when one opens the door and bears witness to in-laws they hate but cannot turn away. “Well I’m happy you have your priorities straight,” he said through gritted teeth.