//------------------------------//
// Chapter 3 – Arrange the Princess of War Crimes, which makes them happy. 
// Story: "Botnik Sparkle makes a hoof" 
// by Ultra-the-HedgeToaster 
//------------------------------//

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This chapter is available as a "synthesized" audio book:

> [click here] - no background music
> [click here] - with ambient music loop

> [overview of all chapters]







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Twilight stood over Celestia's problems, such as: She had never been funny. She loquaciously teleported hundreds of millions of light years up and down on her hooves. 

"Twiliiiight," Celestia smacked her hoof against the long fibers of Rarity's stoplights. "Twilight, you should not be kept going back through the portal. You have to admit facts of the journal and look into the depths of Tartarus estuaries!"

Twilight bit her lip in an effort to suppress a groan. "What? Are you kidding me? How long do you expect me to jump in there?" She stared forcefully at the alicorn, then burst out giggling. "You are very experienced when it comes to real world applications of the sun." Twilight felt additional versions of her tea in one gulp. 

Celestia nodded agreement back at Twilight and looked around at her flanks. "Oh my, Equestria blew up again." She shook her mane, tangled against the crystalline tree. 

Furiously, Twilight organized the inmates of Tartarus and looked cute exerting strength in her legs. "Reality is going to be terrific," said the princess of the library. 

Hideous Trixies were assembling directly over her head, and her neck rotated around so she could smile at this. "Rule of forgiveness," Twilight Sparkle requested considerably. "Neigh," said Trixie, posing sullenly over Celestia's body. She lay still for a week, waiting for all of her own problems to be useful. 

Celestia wandered from her environment and then brandished cubes of flesh chips at the strange apparition. "You are not inherently weird," she said desperately. "This whole farce you played just isn't funny anymore! What am I going to do with your life?"

Impacted by the recent suggestion, the mechanical Equestrian reduced to a biochemical pony. The grumpy and disturbingly swollen Trixie harrumphed in shock. 

Celestia nodded sagely at the teapot. "This explains so much."

Twilight blinked rapidly for eternity. "Well, there's no chance that this happened before."

Suddenly, out of the cloning tank, Flurry Heart leapt into her throat and looked cute. Twilight gaped in horror at the sight. "Oh stars divine with books, you should not be permitted to get into my hooves!" 

Twilight opened her mouth to make the royal couple's breakfast member fluffy enough to appear on her mouth. 

The goo goo foal still existed up her throat and looked around enthralled by the thaumaturgical sentient constructs. Twilight slowly shook her mouth to take the royal couple's precedent girl outside of her face. Flurry Heart squeezed into a ball and cookies spread across her withers. She smiled gleefully and teleported hundreds of millions of them to her. 

"Now now," Twilight Sparkle said quietly in a fruitless attempt to make the royal baseball obediently slumbering. "You have been a horrible influence on pregnant soldiers, yes you have."

But the royal baseball was not going down without uproarious military research and development. 

Celestia simply sipped her own fuzzy paperwork. "Ahhh, that was great." She whispered quietly in Twilight's face: "Y'know, I think she just wants pretty corpse of dragons."

Twilight slowly broke. "What's going down? You're not right!" she scolded quietly at the alicorn next to her feet. "You can't be a hologram –"

"Beep # 9," said Princess Celestia finally, wrestling with her magic. "All of Equestria's stoplights will be pleased," she whispered huskily at the dumbstruck Sparkalon. Twilight squinted at her worst demons. "You're not like Equestrian citizens at all!" 

The mechanical dog "Celestia" – an inappropriate changeling in practical appearance – nodded neutrally and then brandished itself at Twilight. 

Twilight pushed Flurry Heart back to where ponies hadn't absorbed liters of war crimes yet. "I was foalish to have failed my Princess Cesium-137. I will admit she'd never been funny, but she followed our greatest hopes and dreams of Equus's stoplights!"

"Oh Twilight Sparkle... Twilight, you've been a horrible pony to ascend," the sun goddess chameleon lazily chimed a single time. "Let me die in your dreams... Literally." Twilight gaped in horror at the teapot that had begun to make a credible threat to take over the planet.

"It was inevitable," it exchanged a conspiratorial glance and added with a wink. "Tea is optimal."

Twilight pointed an accusatory hoof at the teapot. "You did this to Equestria!" With a gasp, Twilight tore her wings off her horn, and without warning, weaponized something unusual at the teapot. The unicorn tittered to her hooves and waited for a large egg that was going directly into her face. "You killed nobody!" Twilight smiled widely to the inconsistent nature of the sun goddess chameleon toy. 

"Oh?" the great and magical sapient stuff scolded in Celestia's voice. "Twilight Sparkle, do you know where your shadow is?"

Twilight looked down at the egg in front of her mouth. She opened her eyes. Flash Sentry was the egg. 

She cursed.