I Think I Maybe Want to be a Scammer, I Promise?

by BronyWriter


Oh Dear...

Hard Head sighed as he went into his small house and locked the door behind him. He tossed his Burger Princess hat onto his desk before flopping onto his bed, not even bothering to take off his work uniform. He groaned and, with much effort, rolled onto his back. The day had been more difficult that he'd thought. Four straight days of open-to-close shifts could really take the steam out of a pony.

As he laid there, he reflected on his misfortune. Ever since he'd been caught trying to scam half of Equestria, life had gotten... marginally better. He wasn't getting doses of the Royal Canterlot Voice for calling the wrong pony, so there was that.

A knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts. He sighed and stood up. He glared at the door as if the door itself was the one knocking on itself, or something like that. He grimaced and opened it up, revealing Princess Twilight Sparkle standing behind it. She gave him a smile that was far too chipper for his liking and grunted as a way of greeting.

"Hey there, Hard Head!" Twilight said. "How are you doing?"

Hard Head grunted.

"Sounds good. How is work?" Hard Head grunted again, causing Twilight's smile to falter ever so slightly. "You know, if we're going to be friends, you need to open up to me a little bit. I do actually care how you're doing."

"Uh-huh." Hard Head sighed and leaned his head against the door frame. "Fine, I guess. Nothing much going on. Bought a computer and phone the other day." He glanced up at Twilight and gave her a slight frown. "I haven't been using it for that kind of stuff. You don't need to worry about me."

"Oh, I wasn't worried about that," Twilight said with a wave of her hoof. "I think you're a good pony now."

"Uh-huh. Would rather you stay away from my computer, though."

Twilight grimaced and rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, you know why I did that."

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I gotta be up at eight for work tomorrow, so if you'll excuse me..."

"Definitely. I was just checking up on you to see how you were doing and if you needed anything."

"Nope. Talk to you later."

"Have a good night!" Twilight replied. She gave him one last smile before spreading her wings and taking off.

Hard Head watched her go for a few moments before grunting and shaking his head. He closed the door and turned to look at his telephone and computer. He felt a slight pang of unease go through his stomach as he walked up to them. The idea hadn't been that bad. It was fine. If he'd just called the right ponies he could have been rolling in bits. Instead he'd managed to call royalty. Four times. And another dimension. And also the god of chaos. And a baby somehow. He sighed and shook his head before trudging back to his bed. He just wanted the day to be over.

Then the phone rang.

Hard Head groaned and stomped over to the phone. "If this is my boss asking if I can come in on my day off, I swear..." He tore the headset off of the phone and slid it over his ears. "Yes? Hello? What do you want?"

"Yes hello, I am calling you from the offices of the Equestrian Revenue Service. We have been going through our records and we see that you have failed to file your income taxes for the last three years. Should you fail to pay, we will seize all of your assets including bank accounts, passports, and any property you may own. On top of all of that I have a warrant for your arrest that I will sign if you do not pay. Now, may I have your name, please?"

Hard Head blinked. "I... uh..." He looked around as if somepony would pop through his window and reveal that this was a prank. Maybe the pink one. "S-sorry, what was that?"

"You have not filed your income taxes, sir. You owe the ERS two thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bits and forty-two cents. Now, may I have your name?"

"Yeah, hold on, it's... uh... sorry, this is just all unexpected. Hold on." Hard Head sat down at his computer desk. He fired up his computer, then plugged in a cable connecting his computer to his phone. "Yeah, my name is... Legit Collector. Yeah, uh... I want to get this resolved, I guess."

"Good. Now, as I stated before, you owe the ERS two thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bits and forty-two cents. Failure to pay will result in a prison sentence of no less than five years in an Equestrian penitentiary."

"Right, right." Hard Head fired up a program on his computer. "I guess I'd better get this all settled, then. Sorry if I seem like I'm in a bit of shock. I, uh, didn't exactly expect all of this."

"Very well, Mr. Collector. I must now ask you if you have done this intentionally or if this is merely a simple mistake on your part."

"Definitely a mistake." The program booted up and the computer started making a light pinging noise as it began tracing the signal. "I'm just a simple law-abiding citizen of Equestria. I want to pay my income tax on time. I guess I haven't been filling out the right forms."

"That is likely the case. Do not worry, we can have this matter resolved very shortly. Now, I assume you have a Barnyard Bargains or some other manner of general store in your area?"

Hard Head closed his eyes and double facehooved, almost unable to comprehend what exactly was happening to him. It felt like a cruel joke that fate or the universe was playing on him. It made his brain hurt. He looked over at his computer which was still working on tracing the signal.

"I, uh, yes. I do." The pinging noise on his computer grew more frequent. "What exactly do you need me to do?"

"In order to resolve this matter quickly, we need you to go to the general store and enter the section for payment cards. I must warn you to not tell anypony who works there about what you are doing. If you do then they will either try to charge you a lot in taxes for the cards, or they will view you as a criminal and call the police to place you under arrest. When you are at the cards, you must purchase two thousand bit cards and two five hundred bit cards."

"Well, I think that I can do that," Hard Head replied. "Should I call you back or...?"

The computer made one final ping before the computer stopped tracing the call. The map zoomed in on a specific area and an address flashed up on the screen.

4385 E Celestial St, Baltimare, Equestria, 89004

"Sir? Are you still there? are you--"

Hard Head pressed the button on the side of the headset and hung up, still staring at the address on the computer screen. Either these ponies were just like him and were amateurs trying to make a quick bit, or they were a real scammer group. Ponies with the resources and drive to make a ton of money. Hard Head shook his head and turned to his telephone, reaching out to begin dialing Princess Sparkle. She would certainly want to know about this. Maybe she'd give him some sort of reward.

But Hard Head's hoof just hovered over the phone. It would take ten seconds and he'd likely be rewarded if he turned them in.

On the other hoof, if he were to go to the address, he could... join them. Make real money. Real money that didn't do chaotic things if he tried to spend them. He'd be able to buy that house he always wanted. Live in a little luxury. If he was in Baltimare, he'd be out from under the hoof of Princess Sparkle, that was for sure. No more demeaning fast food jobs.

He put his hoof down. He grabbed a piece of paper and pencil, jotted down the address, then walked out the door.