Kitchen Nightmares: Equestrian Misadventures

by Spettro138


Casing a Gourmand

After their eventful breakfast made better by Chef Ramsay's timely intervention, Celestia led Gordon, Twilight, and the rest of their large visiting group down the many halls of Castle Canterlot and into a large study filled with many bookshelves and a large coffee table where they could all sit together and discuss Gordon's first official job in the land of Equestria and what it will entail. Unfortunately, because of their numbers, people and ponies were forced to squish together into couches and love seats. Spike was forced to share one with Gordon, which he didn't mind as long as Spike managed to keep his spines and spinal scales to himself. Celestia and Luna however had their own personal cushions colored with their signature color schemes to sit down upon. The rest of Gordon's production crew seemed comfortable enough just sitting down on the luxurious carpet that adorned the floor of the study.

"Now, let's get down to business now that we are all comfortable. At least, mostly comfortable," Celestia lightly giggled into her hoof as she watched Pinkie wiggling in between Applejack and Rarity.

"Verily sister. I am assuming dear Twilight told thee of Equestria's unusual plight Ramsay?" Luna asked the man.

"In extensive detail, I can assure you, your majesty," Gordon replied with a chuckle as he saw Twilight's death glare from the corner of his eye. "From what I can gather, ponies are coming down with serious rare diseases in your hotels, resorts, and restaurants, and nobody knows exactly why?"

"That is correct, Gordon," Celestia replied. "This has been going on for a few months now and I am ashamed to admit that we are completely stumped. Which is why we came to you asking for your help."

"And from what I understand, this Zesty Gourmand is linked to the outbreak here in Canterlot?" Gordon asked.

"That's what has been reported yes," Celestia said. "I have tried quite a few times to investigate Miss Gourmand's establishments but I have been unable to get anywhere. She can be quite......difficult at times."

"Oh, you don't need to sugarcoat it, your majesty. Zesty Gourmand is a stubborn, opinionated, and quite shortsighted mare." Rarity said sternly. "She was quite rude to our dear Marebai friend Saffron."

"Oh, that's right!," Twilight said. "We weren't there with you during that friendship mission, so the rest of us still need to meet her."

"Marebai?" Gordon whispered to Twilight.

"I believe your world's equivalent would be India," Twilight whispered back.

"What's fuckin next? Vanhoover? Los Pegasus? Fillydelphia? Trottingham? Coltumbus?."

She giggled nervously back at him as she tried to let the subject quietly die before Gordon unleashed his rage on her.

"So, what do you need for your evaluation Chef Ramsey?" Celestia asked.

Gordon crossed his legs and put his hand up to his chin.

"Well, the first thing we need to do is send a message to Miss Gourmand. I'd rather let my clients know they I am coming. That way I can properly meet them, and try to see if the problem is with the owner, staff, manager, or all of the above," Gordon explained.

"Well, I can certainly do that," Celestia replied. "One of my guards can bring a message directly from me to her very easily."

"Next thing would be to send a few of my team to set up the cameras in her main restaurant a few days before I head on over. The reason for that being, I believe Twilight wanted me to bring my show over here as well. Something about slowly introducing Equestria to humans?" Gordon said as he gave Twilight a sideways look

"We can certainly arrange that," Luna replied. "Better yet, I will accompany your cameramen to Gourmand's restaurant. I am curious about the many electronics of Earth. We can also bring the message of your arrival"

"Ever since Twilight's human friend got you that Playstation 4 I believe it's called, you've been obsessed with human technology," Celestia giggled.

Luna humphed and crossed her hooves in an indignant manner which made all of the other ponies laugh.

"Can we please show Gordy The Tasty Treat before he goes to that meanie's restaurant Twilight? Can we huh? Can we? Can we? Can we?" Pinkie begged with her eyes becoming as big as dinner plates.

"Only if it's okay with Gordon," Twilight replied as she rolled her eyes.

"I don't see why not. Doing a small bit of sightseeing before doing my first Nightmare here might help me get my bearings in this crazy world."

"That might be a bit of a problem Gordon," Gordon's director Jay said. "I don't know about you, but I don't think these ponies have electrical outlets for us to charge our stuff."

Jay explained to him how they have been filming everything since they arrived in Equestria and that caused most of their equipment's power to be spent very quickly.

"May I see your equipment?" Celestia asked. "I believe I may have a solution to your problem Mr. Hunter

"I don't see why not," Jay replied in an interested manner to see what Celestia had in mind.

He had the other crew members approach Celestia and Luna so that they could get a closer look. They ignited her horn with golden and deep blue glows respectively and touched their horns to their cameras. The other crew members winced, believing they might be burned by the blinding light that followed. Their equipment was instantly illuminated in the same glow as their power was instantly restored. She then took her horn off and allowed them to open their eyes again.

"Now you can have your cameras on for as long as you want. I made them solar-powered, so you shouldn't have to worry about losing any power," she explained.

"And we made your cameras waterproof and Lunar powered. That way you may use them at night if you so wish," Luna explained. "Though, I do implore you to respect our ponies' privacy and not record anything without their consent first. And if we request of you to turn off your equipment, I ask of you to please comply with our wishes."

"Fair enough I suppose."

Afterward, Luna took Jay and a few more members of Gordon's crew members with her to Zesty Gourmand's main restaurant. Gordon stayed behind to be shown around the city by Twilight and two of her other friends. Rarity took the rest of the group to the Shopping District to blow some bits.

As Gordon and the rest of their group walked through Canterlot, Twilight noticed how many different kinds of looks were being sent in their direction.

Many a noble was aghast at the newly crowned Princess Twilight's appearance in Canterlot without their prior knowledge.

Rarity warned her that the nobility of Canterlot most likely considered her to be appetizingly malleable this early into her princess hood compared to the more experienced Royal Sisters. If they had their way, Twilight would be spending days on end listening to petty problems, going to parties with ponies she didn't know, and dealing with slimy stallions trying to win her hoof in marriage.

Thankfully, Twilight was saved by this horrible fate by the terrifying and--if the upper-crust of Canterlot was being honest-- ugly Minotaur-like thing that she was leading through the city.

Ponies couldn’t help but gasp whenever the princess, her little dragon pet/servant, and the monster passed, instantly turning toward their fellow noble to gossip about this scandal.

How could Princess Twilight besmirch her name and the name of her fellow princesses by associating with such a beast?! Had it done something to her mind?

No, some insisted, the Princess must be bringing this creature into their fair city for some noble purpose.

Maybe it was some kind of new species that she wanted Canterlot’s greatest minds to study, maybe she was bringing it in as a prisoner to face the justice of some unknown crime, or maybe it was going to be the newest addition to the city’s zoo; these and many other theories--some of the ridiculous, some even more ridiculous-- were tossed around by almost every pony in the city.

"Why am I getting these looks Twilight?" Gordon asked. "Normally I wouldn't give a damn what somebody thought about me, but we were all together for the whole morning in front of thousands of these ponies and no one reacted in the slightest.

"Don't worry about it Gordon, they do it to us too." Applejack said noticing the stares.

"Too bad; They probably don't know how awesome we are." Rainbow lamented. "And after all of the butt-kicking, we had to do to save their flanks again and again."

"Most noble ponies-or at least those who like to consider themselves to be, don't really register a lot in the morning until 10 o clock rolls around," Twilight explained humorously. "I've grown pretty used to it while growing up here."

Their first destination was to a place that Twilight felt like she had an obligation to see every time she visited Canterlot. It was a three-story building that Twilight knew all so well. Comfortable and friendly, but surprisingly modest compared with the other mansions on the block. An assortment of multi-colored Cacti adorned one of the first-story windowsills facing the street. As Twilight approached Gordon, she sighed in vague irritation.

"I'm sorry Gordon, I just need to get this over with before we can move on with our tour. If I don't I won't ever hear the end of it from her," Twilight cryptically stated.

"No worries, my first Kitchen Nightmare doesn't happen until I hear back from Jay. Do what you need to do. Seeing any of this place is completely fine by me." Gordon replied.

Little did he know, a pair of eyes widened with glee as they stared out at the group in front of the door. Suddenly, the door exploded outwards, revealing a white, middle-aged unicorn mare with white and purple hair looking at the three with child-like excitement.

"TWITTER BUG! SPIKEY POO!" the mare exclaimed.

Gordon, Rainbow, and AJ watched on in amusement as Twilight and Spike tried to book it to escape their love-starved mother. Getting into an adorable little pouncing stance and sticking her tongue out in concentration, the mare was gone with a pop, appearing beside Spike one second-- grabbing the now squealing dragon-- before teleporting right in front of Twilight. The purple mare in question groaned in anticipation of what was inevitably coming.

Gordon bit back a snort as the mare wrapped Twilight and Spike into a bone-crushing hug, rocking them back and forth. “Oh, my babies! Why haven’t you come to see me? Why don’t you write more often? Don’t you love your mother?!”

“We...were….here…*urk*....other….day!” Spike wheezed, trying to free himself while the mare nuzzled his cheek.

"I just love seeing you two!" the mare exclaimed.

“Why do you look so skinny, Twilypoo? Have you been eating enough?”

“Mom! Let go of me, we’re in public for Celestia’s sake!”

“Mom, I can’t breathe!”

“And look at you, Spike! Oh, my little drake’s getting so big!”

Gordon heard a throaty chuckle coming from just inside the house, and, turned around, he saw another pony standing in the open doorway, this time a deep blue unicorn stallion. “Velvet will never change,” the stallion muttered, mostly to himself.

After watching the three for a few seconds, he trotted up to Gordon and extended one of his hooves.

"Hello there," the stallion said graciously. "You must be the human Chef Ramsay that we have been hearing a lot about."

"I presume you are Twilight's dad?" Gordon asked as he reciprocated the hoof shake.

"That's right."

"A pleasure Mr. Sparkle. Your daughter has been quite delightful since I met her a week ago." Gordon pleasantly replied.

"I'm glad. She can be a handful sometimes, but she is a well-meaning girl. And call me Night Light Chef."

"Alright. Nice to meet you Night Light," Gordon replied.

“Velvet, sweetie,” he called, getting Velvet’s attention. “Why don’t you leave those kids of yours alone and come and meet our famous house guest!”

To Gordon and Night’s amusement, Velvet turned a bright shade of pink with embarrassment as she let her children go-- Twilight and Spike hitting the ground and gasping for breath, thanking every deity that they could for their father’s quick-thinking-- and made her way over to Gordon, who smiled politely at the mare.

"Hello ma'am," Gordon said as he bent over slightly and stretched out his hand to her. "Very nice to meet you. I've heard quite a few things about you from your daughter."

The mare smiled bashfully at him. “And you heard only good things, I hope,” she replied with a giggle.

"Oh absolutely."

For the next two hours, Twilight, Gordon, AJ, and Rainbow visited with Mr. and Mrs. Sparkle and talked to each other about things that have been happening. Rainbow Dash and Twilight took pride in talking about all they had seen while in the human world.

Meanwhile, Luna and Gordon's director Jay Hunter were busy scouting Zesty Gourmand's main restaurant at the end of Restaurant Row: Subtilité Du Goût

Luna never really liked it when most of the attention was on her, so it was to her delight that along with a small squad of guards, she was also accompanied by a group of humans who drew most of the attention away from her. As they approached the doors, Luna came to a halt and turned back to the other humans.

"Jay Hunter, we request of you and the rest of thou's crew to remain here until we inform Miss Gourmand of the situation and call you in," Luna commanded.

"Alright, well be waiting out here," he replied nervously as he looked at some of the other noble ponies staring at them with foul gazes.

Luna gave him a small mischievous smile.

"Don't worry, Jay Hunter. All these ponies are capable of doing is flinging crumpets in thou's faces. But I will leave one of my guards out here to keep you safe. You three stay out here as well until we have finished speaking to Miss Gormand," Luna said as she acknowledged the girls.

"Okie Dokie lokie!"

"Alright, just come back out if you need any help," Fluttershy kindly replied.

"I'm not complaining. I'm in no hurry to see that mare again" Rarity replied spitefully

The moment Luna went inside the doors, all sounds in the restaurant went silent. The guard pony accompanying Luna stepped forward to announce her.

"Announcing, Princess Luna!"

Every pony in the restaurant was stunned at the recluse princess making a public appearance. Even the host pony at the front door's podium was stunned for a moment before he regained his composure.

"H-how may I help you your excellency?" the pony asked nervously.

"We wish to speak to Zesty Gourmand about a matter of great importance. Please summon her." Luna commanded.

"A-At once, your majesty," the host pony said as he gave her a quick bow and ran off somewhere.

After a few minutes of waiting in awkward silence in the restaurant, a tall, thin middle-aged pony with a vibrant neon pink mane of short length came out of a side room with a stiff stride. As soon as she saw Luna, she quickened her pace and approached her. She then gave a deep dipping bow to her.

"Princess Luna. It is a great pleasure to welcome you to my humble eatery." the high-pitched mare said. "How may I be of service?"

"We are assuming that thou knows of the unusual crisis plaguing many of Equestria's numerous businesses?"

"Yes, it is an unfortunate thing," Zesty replied stiffly. "Rest assured, we are faring as well as we can despite the crisis."

"We have been informed by our sister that your restaurant was also plagued by this unusual crisis as well, and we have come to relieve you of this unfortunate circumstance," Luna explained.

"Yes, the Princess came by not long ago to investigate my restaurant and I will tell you just as I told her your grace, that I have everything quite under control--"

"Please Zesty Gourmand, don't insult my intelligence," Luna replied sternly. "As Princess of the Night it is my duty to watch over the dreams of all the ponies of Equestria and intervene whenever they grow dark and your dreams have become dark as well. Sometimes, that even includes peering into their thoughts and memories. I know that there is more than what you have told my sister."

Both mares glared at each other for ten seconds, not giving an inch. Then, the tall, thin mare deflated slightly but still kept her stiff posture.

"Very well your highness." the mare grumbled. "What would you have me do then? I am at a complete loss as to what is happening with my restaurant. I've been attempting to get the other noble ponies to assist me with this matter, but it seems that most of them are indisposed at the moment."

"Our newest alicorn sister Princess Twilight Sparkle has summoned a great sage of the culinary arts from the planet Earth. The mighty Chef Gordon Ramsay. He is a human of many accomplishments including saving thousands of establishments, becoming what Twilight calls a "wealthy Bright-ish celli-britty," and owns thousands of restaurants and hotels across his entire world that millions of his own people believe to be among the best. Twilight has brought him over to assist ponies such as thee with this plight overtaking fair Equestria."

"A disgusting white ape-like the one Princess Twilight keeps around with her coming into my restaurant and tainting it even more with its presence? I think not. And you have no right to tell me what to do--

"ZESTY GOURMAND!" Luna roared in her Canterlot Voice. "DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME LOWLY CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS! AND DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF INSULTING OUR HUMAN FRIENDS, PEASANT COOK. GORDON IS NOT HERE TO HARM YOU!"

Everyone, including Zesty Gourmand herself, seemed to shrink away from Luna as a giant magical aura radiated from her and made the room seem darker with her presence. Even her own personal guard stepped away from a few paces from the mare. Then as she calmed down, the light in the room began to return and the dark aura retreated into Luna's body.

"Gordon Ramsay is here to help you Zesty Gourmand." she finished in a more kind voice.

The mare in question slowly recovered from her shock as she stood up and finally regained her composure.

"Very well your Majesty," the mare finally replied. "What do you require of me?"

"First things first, we shall bring in Gordon's production team to set up cameras in your restaurant. I believe they are for recording all of what goes on inside and to create an episode of his educational show that involves displaying how he returns various hotels and restaurants to their former glory."

"Interesting...."

She went outside with her guard for a moment and called Jay Hunter and the rest of Gordon's production crew into the restaurant. A few of the ponies were apprehensive of the humans, but most of them were more curious of them and what the purpose of their "strange black boxes with glass" was. Then Jay and Luna spoke with Zesty about the things that she should be aware of with the process of setting up the show. Zesty Gourmand at first objected to the bold idea of giving Gordon whatever he wanted to try for free but was assured that Luna and Celestia would pay for any expenses.

Next time: The First Nightmare in Canterlot part 1