... Love.
I had never fully understood the concept.
It always seemed as though it was too vague and subjective to be properly put into words.
Was it merely lust?
Was it a combination of friendship and lust?
Was it a constant that slowly dwindles, or is it on and off?
Can such a level of affection last for an entire life, or is it bound to be snuffed out like a flame?
Are the people who remain together forever merely still together due to comfort and convenience,
or do they still feel like they used to?
What if they're still together merely because both are cheating on one another?
What of monogamy, polygamy?
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'... A picture of breastfeeding? Looks like something Andrew Loomis would've drawn. Shame, they're plastified, they'd be a contaminant.'
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Some people have compared this yearning for another to drugs, to an addiction.
I don't entirely think they're wrong.
Great highs of whatever emotion or result is wanted, followed by great lows when they're not provided/reciprocated.
The longer one goes without said addiction, the more cranky they get, the more they crave it, until, finally, they're over it after a few months.
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"Hahaha, dude, check this out!"
'... Oh my god. It's more pictures of breasts, but there's no breastfeeding this time.
What kind of loony had these laying around? Did they draw them?'
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I've had many chances at a romantic relationship, don't get me wrong.
I just didn't take them, out of fright that building a dependence to another would yield... unwanted results.
Not only that, there were a few opportunities I didn't take seriously whatsoever, as I thought I was being pranked.
I'm sure you would be skeptical as well if the potential partner in question decided to flirt with you by telling you that your flimsy mustache that you merely grew for the fun of it, despite knowing it wasn't great, was something they liked.
It didn't help that I was the nerd of the class during that time.
I'm sure you could name me the people in your class that were always picked last in Physical Education as well.
That was me.
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'... Who would make a book, give it a cardboard cover, and name it "management?"'
'... "Satsifying your sex partner for dummies." oh my god, it was a cover for a book about intercourse.'
"... Dude, check this "management book" out"
"... Sex for dummies. Yep, that looks about right, look"
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For some reason, the most popular girl in the class kept trying to flirt with me.
I didn't understand why whatsoever. I imagined it must have been another ridiculous letdown scheme.
Most of these, however, were mere potential interests, I did not feel anything for them but physical attraction.
Notwithstanding their current societal status, I had not felt longing for any of them, not the kind of longing I have come to attribute to the aspect known as "love."
Forthwith their use of the language, it had come to my attention that I had only felt what I could quantify as "love" once, and I had not enjoyed it.
The one time I had learned to man up and go talk to a girl I knew had similar interests to me, I felt the greatest stress of my life.
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'...? What is with this suspicious shape? Doesn't it look suspiciously like some kind of horse dong dildo?'
'Oh my god, he picked it up.'
"Oh my god, dude, pass this to the other guy!"
'... Oh fuck. I accidentally dropped it in the cardboard reservoir.'
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At the time, I thought it might've been possible that I was merely so used to stress that I couldn't feel it.
That experience proved me wrong.
It was back in high school, during my final year.
I was at a point where I figured maybe I had been too picky in potential partners by truly trying to find someone like me.
I thought that may be for the best, you see.
Maybe, if I dropped my expectations, I could truly find someone to be at peace with.
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'Finally on break, I just wanna read some cheesy light novel right now.'
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Those dropped expectations were that lady.
Even as I was told to not expect anything, to not put all my eggs in one basket, I did both, on a time limit;
the end of the year, the last time I would be at that school.
I was foolish enough to expect one thing, and one thing only.
That if need be, we could talk.
Everything looked like it was going fine, but then, all avenues of contact were abruptly cut.
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'... Oh hey, a porn magazine. Ooh, she doesn't look half bad. Let's put that one aside, somebody is bound to pick it up.'
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When I found a way to ask them what had happened, all I was told was to leave them alone.
Of course, I did exactly that.
respect of another's boundaries and all.
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'... Another porn mag. Jesus Christ, you can tell which truck all this garbage came from.'
'Hmmm, "50+" it says.'
'... Isn't that an old lady? What the hell, this isn't LemonParty! That one can go back on the line. Nope.'
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I was left a husk of who I had once been, learning only courage in exchange for the second most harrowing moment of my life.
The reason for being left behind like an old toy never was once even alluded to.
Please don't end a relationship, whether romantic or not,
before at least making your reasons for your decisions clear.
It is pure, unadulterated torture.
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'Finally, the day is over.'
On my way home, we talked about the day. It was mentioned during that conversation that what I had thrown in the cardboard reservoir was actually the inside of a fleshlight.
On our way home, I asked Pete to drop me off at the bank nearby.
I picked up some cash, and then walked on home.
When I arrived home, I put my rent on the table.
I took care of my other expenses, then left for the computer room, where I proceeded with my usual routine.
Unfortunately, the Discord channels I was frequenting took up the remainder of my time that night.
It was time to head to bed.
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... A dirt road.
Clearly I'm in the country side.
To my left, fields.
To my right, a fairly large home.
It was entirely made out of wood, and it was greatly decayed.
Some white paint could be seen here and there, but you could mostly see the underlying structure.
I felt greatly unnerved by this.
I decided to check it out.
I remembered going upstairs into the cellar, when the dream ended.
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I was going up the hill to school when I took a wrong turn.
I didn't know what street I was on, but it was clearly not the right one.
The road kept going up.
I looked at the houses around here.
They were all old, decrepit, and clearly abandoned.
I remembered going through terrifying events in my previous dream related to abandoned houses, but did not remember what events they were.
I could clearly tell I was dreaming however.
Thus, I tried to speed through the neighborhood.
Unfortunately, it just kept on going, getting more and more decrepit, until I got to a church.
Said church was in a graveyard, a very big graveyard.
'Hmmm. If this is anything like Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, I might not want to hang around at night.'
Lo and behold, it was suddenly nighttime.
I saw fog start to creep through the graveyard.
The neighborhood no longer existed.
There was only gravestones as far as the eye could see, a sea of fog and undead.
I didn't want to hang around, so I got into a car.
I didn't know how to drive a car.
'Was it the left or right pedal, did it go backwards or did it just break?
What about the wheel? How far does it go?'
Zombies were approaching, and time was of the essence.
I pressed the gas pedal, ran through multiple stones, avoiding zombies while trying to keep a straight line.
At one point, I got on a highway.
There was a small problem however.
It seemed to have gotten flooded by the rise of water.
I didn't know how to do anything but press the gas or steer, so I was left with no option.
It was either zombies, or water. I knew where my choice was headed.
I let the car drive half submerged underwater, and then everything faded to black.
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I was driving on the highway.
I was taking turns above and below other lanes.
I arrived at the building I knew I wanted to access:
The museum mall of the train station.
'... The museum mall of the train station? Who would make a mall in a museum, nevermind a museum in a train station that happens to be a mall?' I wondered.
I climbed the stairs that lead to the front of the building, that happened to be on a corner of it behind a pillar that was presumably there to hold the rest of the building above the underpass.
As I got in, I was greeted by a small exhibit hidden behind glass.
It was a bronze plaque.
I read what was on it, it didn't make much sense.
This, on top of the strange place I was in, prompted a reality check.
I looked away from the slab, looked again.
The text on it had changed.
I was dreaming.
I decided that the dream was calm enough to not turn into a nightmare,
and so I went on, exploring the mall space.
There were many people, standing around a stall in the middle of a plaza.
They were cosplaying.
I couldn't have told you what they were cosplaying, but they seemed to have been here for some event relating to the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic movie.
I tried talking to them, but they didn't have much to respond on, and ended up leaving.
I arrived at the end of the mall.
As I had looked at people on the way there, I had decided to look for anyone that piqued my curiosity, but most of the people there were somewhat average looking at best.
When I returned to the plaza, it had changed.
It was now a school corridor, entirely tan-colored.
As I passed by some lockers, I noticed someone.
She was literally the only one there, staring into space, seemingly lost in thought.
For some reason, I found that very intriguing, and so I went up to her.
Even as I approached her, even as I was right in front of her,
she kept staring, as if entirely through me, as if I didn't exist.
She was about the same height as me, with shaggy short hair. Her bangs were mostly converging into a single parent strand, the tip converging at her nose bridge.
She was wearing a white, baggy camisole, and a pair of puke green cargo pants.
I started looking at her, as if looking at anything you would look at in a mall or museum, analyzing.
I pointed the middle phalanx of my right index finger under her chin, and rotated her head to the left.
I was curious as to what the profile of her face would look like.
She looked right at me.
She wasn't afraid, she was seemingly curious.
It looked somewhat as if she had just woken up from being hypnotized.
She gave a wry smile of sorts. It looked as if she was mildly annoyed, yet didn't feel like it.
In fact, it felt mildly pleasant.
My heart skipped a beat.
"What's your name?" I asked her, not wanting to forget her upon waking up.
"Parisma" she replied.
'Parisma, hmmm. I'll remember that.' I thought.
As I hadn't expected a response, seeing how other people didn't seem to have any to begin with,
I was mildly perturbed.
She seemed mildly aware, as opposed to entirely unaware, as if she knew as well as I did that this was a dream.
My vision started fading to white.
I didn't want to wake up yet, there was so much work to do.
I was somehow certain this was the same person I had met in a previous dream.
She felt the same, despite looking entirely different.
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The alarm of my phone rang.
It was time to get up for work.
I decided it was about time I looked up more recent guides on tulpamancy,
I was fairly certain I had something to work with, so to speak.
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Unbeknownst to Will, a cosplayer of our mare in the moon had been keeping watch.