//------------------------------// // 319. The Hoofields & McColts - Part 1 // Story: Blaze the Pony Tale // by Wolven5 //------------------------------// The Pepper Pony's pizza parlor was closed until further notice, due to the surprising development that its owner, Chili Spice, popularly known to her customers as Auntie Spice, had gone and eloped with Doughnut Joe. She'd left a note for her employee, Cheese Sandwich, that he was welcome to keep living in the room he was renting but that the restaurant would have to be closed until she came back. This had left Cheese a little worried for a short bit until Pinkie had spoken with the Cakes on his behalf and they agreed to hire him part-time until Pepper Pony's was open again. Even so, Cheese rather missed working at the pizza parlor, and while he was happy that Auntie Spice had found her special somepony he hoped they would come back soon. It'd been two weeks already since they'd run off, and Cheese was becoming bored. Sure, he loved working with Pinkie at Sugarcube Corner, looking after the Cake Twins, and helping Pinkie plan parties, but he hoped something would happen soon to relieve his boredom. It'd been a while since his Cheesy Sense had alerted him to a party in the works, and as he was sitting on a bench in the middle of town square, he groaned, "I am soooooo booooorrrred..." It was a nice day and yet Cheese just wasn't feeling it! He didn't wanna play his accordion, he didn't wanna crack jokes or make treats, he didn't wanna dance or fool around- He just felt like he was in such a rut! "Uhhhh, something awesome and exciting had better happen in the next five seconds otherwise I won't be held responsible for my-!!!" Cheese had been winding himself up (literally) when he felt a tingly feeling on his flanks, which just happened to be giving off a glow! He then saw a holographic image of his cutie-mark float off his flank and then zoom away. "GASP! The map!" Cheese exclaimed, his body spinning in rapid un-twirling, the velocity of which he used to get going towards the castle! As he approached, he saw Fluttershy flying in, following her own cutie-mark, as both hers and his vanished through the doors. "Heya Fluttershy!" "Oh, hello, Cheese Sandwich," Fluttershy said as she landed on the path beside him, "You got called by the map, too?" "Uh-huh! And thank goodness! Eee-hee-hee!!" Cheese squealed like an excited colt, dancing on happy hooves, "I've been hoping something awesome would happen lately-" The doors to the castle flew open, revealing an excited Twilight as she grabbed her two friends, "You're both here!" and Flashed into the hallway, where she held up her glowing flan kfor them to see, "Isn't this exciting?!" "Oh, you were called too," Fluttershy noted. "The more the merrier!" Cheese cheered as he hugged his two friends close, "Whatever this friendship problem is, it's practically solved with us on the case!" Flashing out of Cheese's grasp, Twilight said, "I was about to come get you two, but then I got distracted." She led them to the map room, opening the doors to reveal multiple stacks of books and paper, charts, scrolls, and writing utensils nearly filling the room! "Oh..." Fluttershy and Cheese both uttered. "Ever since the map called us," Twilight explained as she led them in, "I've been doing a ton of research." She Flashed over to a chalkboard with multiple formulas and diagrams written on it, "Testing out potential friendship problems," she Flashed to their side to levitate a book, "diversifying my solution portfolio..." "Ever since the map called us?" Fluttershy echoed as she shared a confused look with Cheese. "Twilight that was barely, what? five minutes ago?" Cheese agreed. "I know! But I want to be one hundred percent prepared," Twilight replied, "I mean, I'm the Princess of Friendship! How would it look if I couldn't solve a friendship problem?" Cheese shrugged while Fluttershy kindly said, "Well, I feel so lucky I'm going to help a friendship problem with you both!" "Speaking of which, where is the friendship problem?" Cheese brought up. "The Smokey Mountains!" Twilight pointed the location out on the map as their three cutie-marks rotated above it. "Oh, I've never been there before," Fluttershy commented. "Me neither, and I've been to a lot of places all over Equestria," Cheese remarked. "Well, there isn't a lot of information on them," Twilight explained, levitating a stack of books out of the way (revealing Spike who was enjoying a comic book) to pull out a book from underneath (and lettign the stack collapse upon the poor dragon). "All I could find was this!" She levitated the book to Fluttershy and Cheese, opening it to a certain page, "'The Smokey Mountains harbor the most beautiful valley in all of Equestria between its two majestic mountain peaks'." "Sounds like a really gouda place to visit," Cheese commented with an interested smile. "And where there's nature, there's a ton of animal friends," Fluttershy added with an excited twinkle in her eyes as she clapped her hooves together! "I can't wait to get started! I'm a little nervous since that's all I could find," Twilight said with a wary smile, "I usually like to be a bit more prepared." Fluttershy and Cheese looked at all the research material and agreed as Fluttershy responded, "You seem pretty prepared to me." Then Cheese noticed three pairs of saddlebags, each baring their cutie-marks, and he said, "I take it these are for us?" "Yup! I've prepared our things," Twilight noted, "Snacks, books, blankets, books-" "You said books twice," Fluttershy pointed out, Cheese nodding. "There are a lotta books," Twilight replied as she levitated the saddlebags on their backs, (poor Fluttershy heaving at how heavy hers were) as she led them out of the castle with an eager trot, "What do you think our friendship problem's gonna be?" "I don't know...! Ugh!" Fluttershy struggled with her bags, so Cheese dug into them and threw out some of the books Twilight had packed into them, lightening Fluttershy's load, to her silent gratitude, "But I'm sure we'll figure it out." They followed Twilight to Blueblood's warehouse where the Slipstream was already prepped and waiting. Boarding, Twilight began to set the instruments as she asked, "Do you think it'll be a problem about lying?" "If it were, I think Applejack would be going too," Cheese pointed out as he and Fluttershy boarded. "Good point," Twilight said before she asked, "Undo the mooring line?" "On it!" Cheese saluted before seeing to the task. "Well, whatever it is, I'm sure we'll find out when we get there," Fluttershy said as she made herself comfortable. "You're right," Twilight agreed. But not long after they disembarked, Twilight continued to wonder aloud over what their friendship problem was gonna be about. "Ooh! Could it be about when two friends just randomly decide to do something together but they forget to invite their third friend and the third friend feels left out?" After a few hours of air-saling, they landed not far from their destination, Cheese making sure the mooring line was secure while Twilight continued to ramble, "Or when one friend tells another friend's secret after they ask them not to?" "Well, we're almost there," Cheese pointed to the Smokey Mountains in the distance, "Let's go check it out." Twilight and Fluttershy took flight while Cheese pulled out a balloon pump from his mane, stuck the hose into his tail, and blew it up, causing it to carry him upwards, with Fluttershy helping him along. When the three of them were directly overhead the Smokey Mountains, Cheese commented, "I'm starting to wonder, who is it we've been sent to help? I haven't seen coat nor mane of any-" *WHOOSH* "WHOA!!!" Cheese yelped while Fluttershy squealed and Twilight barely glimpsed what nearly hit them... and quickly moved her friends out of the way as more shot in their direction. "What in Equestria is happening?!" Twilight worried. "Were those... pumpkins?!" Cheese added in confusion. "Look down there, on the mountaintops," Fluttershy pointed out. One mountain top had a ramshackle of a barn on it, and the other had a wooden fortress, Fluttershy saying, "It's nothing like you book said it would be!" "Twi, just how old was that book on the Smokey Mountains?" Cheese asked. "Uh, I'm starting to feel very unprepared," Twilight fretted, "Where do we even start?" They dodged another pumpkin, and Fluttershy suggested, "Maybe by figuring out where the flying pumpkins are coming from?" "Gouda suggestion, Flutters!" Cheese agreed and the three of them descended towards the mountaintop with the barn and flying pumpkins. As they got closer, they heard somepony yell, "Ready?!" and there were dozens of earth ponies, with coats and manes colored in a varying shades of auburn, cream, and reddish-brown as two stallions stuffed a pumpkin into a homemade cannon, an old mare yelling, "AIM..." one of the stallions angled the cannon just so, and the mare yelled, "FIRE!!!" The stallion behind the cannon yanked on a cord, and they watched as the pumpkin launched and arched clear across the valley, landing near the fortress on the other mountaintop. Landing not far behind these ponies, Twilight, Fluttershy, and Cheese shared a wary look before Cheese stepped forward, "Excuse me?" The ponies ignored him and continued their barrage. "EXCUSE ME!" Cheese barked, finally getting the ponies' attention, particularly the old mare who seemed to be in charge. She was old, though not quite the same age as Granny Smith, with a rusty brown coat, poofy old graying blonde mane, she wore a light blue shirt with a dark blue vest, an orange ascot, she had thick eyebrows, buck teeth, and her cutie-mark was a pumpkin. "Uh- Sorry to interrupt, but what're you doing?" Cheese asked politely. "Wer' pumpkin'in our neighbors!" the mare said with a snatchy tone while gesturing to the wooden fortress on the other mountaintop. "Yes, but um, why are you... pumpkin'ing your neighbors?" asked Fluttershy. "Welp, b'cuz th' McColts are jus' plain ROTTEN!" the old mare seethed while glaring across the valley. "Hey, wait a tic!" She suddenly glared at the three of them, "Who're y'all, anyways?! Spies fer th' McColts maybe?!" "I am Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship," Twilight announced to the old mare and her family. "And I am here to solve your friendship problem." "WE are here to solve their friendship problem," Cheese corrected her before clearing his throat, "I'm Cheese Sandwich, certified Party Pony, Guardian of Harmony, and the Element of Music!" "I'm Fluttershy," Fluttershy said in her typical shy demeanor, "And um, I'm here to help, too." "Ma Hoofield, pleased t' meet'cha," Ma Hoofield welcomed before reverting to her sour disposition, "but yer waistin' yer time. We don' hav'a friendship problem; we gotta McColt problem..." "An' thar's absolutely no friendship thar," added one of Ma Hoofield's family members, Ma Hoofield nodding. Twilight levitated her portfolio, "Well, there could be if we figure out what the McColts did to make you so mad." "Oh well, they've done so many things!" Ma Hoofield bellyached, "Why, jus' t'day, they shot pebbles at our farmhouse an' wrecked it!" She pointed out the damage, a big heapin' pile of wood and debris, some of the younger Hoofields looking at it, upset. "See, wer' not very good at buildin' so a pebble was all it took," Ma Hoofield explained before snapping, "But still!!" "Hmm," Twilight looked into her portfolio, trying to find the right solution for the apparent problem. "Well, is there a reason why the McColts shot pebbles at your farmhouse?" Cheese Sandwich asked, "Like... did any of you do something to offend them?" "Wha're you sayin'...?" Ma Hoofield responded with an accusatory tone and stinkeye, making Cheese sweat a little. "Oh no!" Cheese looked to see Fluttershy pull a pumpkin that had just been loaded out of the cannon and saw her set it gently down, realizing because it was the home of a family of field mice. "I know what to do," Twilight declared, "We're going to talk to the McColts and hear their side of the story. Once we have all the facts, we can put an end to this, using reason and rationale." "Good plan," Fluttershy agreed, and Cheese Sandwich had to admit it was a sensible one. "So, until then, would you mind holding off on the pumpkin'ing?" Cheese asked, his coltish face helping to sell his puppy-dog pout, "Pretty please with shredded cheese?" "Oh, all right!" Ma Hoofield griped. "Great! Let's go, girls!" Cheese took his balloon-inflater and swelled up his tail again, causing him to float, with Twilight and Fluttershy moving him along as they took flight. *Knock-knock* "State yer business!" The three friends gazed up at the wooden fortress and saw an earth pony stallion with a soft purple-blue coat and messy cotton candy blue mane gaze down at them from over the top of the wall with a surly expression. Then a mare with similar coat and mane colors, aside from a pink bandana typing her mane up, popped up beside him, snapping, "Don' even bother! They're prob'ly spies fer th' Hoofields!" "Hey, wait!" the stallion was surprised as he looked directly at Twilight, "Yor an alicorn! Ah thawt jus' th' three princesses were alicorns." "There are actually seven alicorn princesses and princes in Equestria now," Twilight explained, "I am Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship." "I'm Cheese Sandwich, and I'm a Party Pony," Cheese Sandwich added. "And... I'm Fluttershy," Fluttershy added meekly. "There're seven alicorns now? When did tha' happen?" the stallion wondered aloud, "An' how did th' Hoofields come by a princess spy?" "We are not spies!" Twilight insisted before saying to her friends, "Why does everypony assume we are spies?" A loud rattling alerted them to the doors in front of them and they gulped as the doors slowly opened - "B'buz we don' get a lotta visitors!" - and revealed a surprisingly small earth pony stallion (not much bigger than the colts that went to Cheerilee's school), with a pale greenish-turqouise coat, dark blue beard, green eyes, raggy overalls, and a tall cowboy hat on his head. "Ah'm Big Daddy McColt. Y'all caught us adda weird time. Wer' in th' middle of a giant feud with our..." He zipped over to the edge of the mountaintop, shouting, "TERRIBLE NEIGHBORS!!!" *NEIGHBORS-NEIGHBORS/Collapsh* He smirked in satisfaction at the sight of the Hoofields' attempt to rebuild their farmhouse collapsing from the sheer echo of his shout. "Well, actually that's why we're here," Twilight noted, "To solve your problem with the Hoofields." "So yer here t' help us get rid of `em?!" Big Daddy McColt assumed with an excited look, his family cheering behind him, shouting whoops and laughs. "Whoa-whoa! Hold your horses," Cheese Sandwich tried to back things up, "That's not what we mean." "Well, if you ain't for us, yer against us..." Big Daddy said in a low threatening tone, to the three visitors' mutual discomfort. "Big Daddy McColt, please! All of you!" Twilight beseeched as the rest of the McColts walked up behind their patriarch while giving the three visitors a collective look of animosity. "We are not on anypony's side, we're only here to help you all be friends again!" "Well, tha's gon' be hard," Big Daddy harrumphed, "Ah don' believe we've ever been friends with the Hoofields!" "But you could be! They're just really upset that you ruined their farmhouse-" Twilight tried to explain, only for Big Daddy to get up in her face. "Wait a hog-wogglin' minute! We only did that b'cuz th' Hoofields pulled th' pin outta our wagon wheel!" Big Daddy pointed to said wagon, which was missing a wheel, and the stick that was propping it up chose that particular moment to snap, causing the produce it carried to spill out. "Huh, kinda funny Ma Hoofield didn't see fit to mention that particular fact to us, isn't it, Twi...?" Cheese said with a raised brow, Twilight gently telling him to shush. "A whole week's worth o' food rollin' down th' mountain! Us McColts are mighty fine builders, but we don' know th' first thing about farmin'," Big Daddy lamented, his family nodding in agreement, "we hav' t' travel a ways away t' buy our food..." He then stepped over to the mushy remains of the pumpkins from earlier, bellyaching, "An' now, we'll be stuck eatin' th' pumpkins th' Hoofields launched at us! Pumpkin bread, pumpkin soup, pumpkin kessadillas, pumpkin paella, pumpkin ch-" "We get it, you have a lot of different pumpkin recipes!" Cheese interrupted, "But at least it's still a bit of variety!" "But it'll get old!" Big Daddy snapped. As her friends were talking to Big Daddy, Fluttershy took notice of the messy remains of the pumpkins the Hoofields had launched earlier that the McColts were now cleaning up and gathering. One of the McColt stallions took a bag of pumpkin and set it on a table, a piece of pumpkin falling just out of reach of a hungry squirrel. Before the little critter could help itself another McColt cleaned up the pumpkin piece, to the squirrel's dismay... only for Fluttershy to kindly offer it another piece, for which it gave her a grateful smile. "Have you tried meeting at a neutral location, talking about your problems, and really listening to each other?" asked Twilight while giving her portfolio a look. "WHAT?! No! They'd sooner launch their dinners at us than listen t' us!" Big Daddy McColt harrumphed. "Well, they'll listen to me," Twilight proposed, while Cheese gave her a flat look, as did the rest of the McColts, "I'm an impartial third party." They all watched Twilight take flight and fly up towards the airspace above the valley while Cheese deadpanned to Fluttershy, "How much you wanna bet whatever she's about to do won't work?" "Well, making peace between the Hoofields and the McColts has to start somewhere, Cheese Sandwich," Fluttershy responded diplomatically. "Attention, Hoofields and McColts! I'm not on anypony's side, but I can see you're both wasting time and resources on being mean to each other. Ponies are supposed to help each other and be kind. So let's stop this senseless fighting." A couple of moments later, Twilight landed back on the McColts' homestead, looking absolutely confident as she said, "There, that should do it. Cheese, Fluttershy, are you ready to go home?" "Really? You suggest everypony just stop fighting and assume it's all better?" Cheese responded dryly. "I'm not sure I like your tone, Cheese Sandwich..." Twilight retorted with a rise of her brow. "Well, what Cheese Sandwich means, Twilight," Fluttershy spoke up, "if we solved the problem, wouldn't our cutie-marks be glowing again?" "Hmmm?" Cheese nodded while pointing at their un-glowing flanks. "Oh yeah, they'll be glowing any minute now," Twilight maintained, sounding rather like a high horse as she looked at her cutie-mark- *Splat* -suddenly obscured by the mushy remains of a tomato. Having a bad feeling, Twilight hesitantly looked towards the Hoofields and saw a volley of produce sailing through the air their way. "Or not."