//------------------------------// // Half (assed) chapter - twi improves the mail, the story of the canterlot gun // Story: Twilight Sparkle Invents the Flying Train // by KinkHorse //------------------------------// After the aftermath of her invention calmed and Ponyville more or less returned to normal, Twilight Sparkle found herself feeling idly bored in her giant crystal castle that loomed over Ponyville. Her friends had dissuaded her for now from the airship invention of hers, which be it or be it not ‘rock solid’ and ‘foolproof’ was a poor choice of timing. Hi As she careened into her library in search of poor spike, a featherbrained scheme that would be instantaneously forgotten fresh on her mind, the poor dragon recognized the look in her eyes and immediately began to cry and beg. “Please Twilight! Please! No more funding! No more fun-d-ding!” He sobbed. Briefly taking pity on him, the Princess suddenly was aglow with brilliance. “I know! I will improve the mail system!” She exclaimed, heralding her idea with a stamp of her hoof. Spike backed into a corner, shivvering in fear of the incoming funding request. “Do not worry spike! We shouldnt need funding! As it turns out i had the foresight to divert a massive amount of the aerotrain funds secretly into a pile i reserved for rebuilding ponyville but I didn’t need to this time! We have all the funding we need!” Spike opened his mouth to speak, but then decided that was a bad idea and closed it. “I will visit the post office at once!” She affirmed, and was immediately off to visit Derpy Hooves. “How can i help?” The scatterbrained Pegasus asked, which launched Twilight into a two hour long interrogation about every aspect of mail delivery that left the poor mail carrier in tears mostly of bewilderment confusion and anxiety from the overwhelming barrage of questions. Twilight took notes. After this study was complete, she spent the rest of the day ambushing any pony that came within 47 yards 3 inches and 14 thousandths of the post office with a similar tirade until she was satisfied with her 287 pages of notes. To be precisely accurate an invisible magical forcefield was used to alert her which ponies needed to be interviewed. The most common response was in her notes beseeching her not to improve the mail in equestria, but Twilight rightfully dismissed these comments as an outlier. Twilight instead began to craft a series of magical packages to hopefully make her understanding of mail delivery more comprehensive, it was a simple affair, a small unassuming box that as intended would explode in a cloud of glitter as soon as it was opened. At first only one was sent to test its effectiveness. Roseluck was chosen at random. The spell was unfortunately sligtly stronger than anticipated, and the auto-alert feature resulted in the destruction of all the windows of the home and a tidal wave of glitter exploding over the street. Fortunately the package was destroyed in the process, and while suspicions were passed around, there was no conclusive evidence to the culprit. Twilight, deciding that this method was too dangerous, instead chose a more conventional approach. The next series of packages simply contained a note stating that they had to be placed outside immediately. After a 30 second delay, they would rocket up into the air and explode. Twilight sat on the deck of her castle with binoculars and observed fourteen successful deliveries, one house fire, and one accident with a mail carrier. It was possible, she noted, that a package may have come undone in transit, ignited the other packages, and caused the most impressive display over the center of town. Derpy was singed, but mostly unharmed. Twilight gathered her friends for an urgent meeting. Confused the six shuffled into the castle bleary eyed at 3 am. Applejack asked simply “Twi, is everything ok? Have you been sleepin?” When she saw the Alicorns frazzled mane and wild look. Rarity nuzzled Twilight and Fluttershy simply said “Oh my...” “Its an emergency!” Twilight decried, attracting the attention of the ponies. They hung on her every word, leaning forward. “Its terrible!” “Yes?” “Its the worst possible thing!” “Yes?” “The state of equestrias mail system is in total disarray and I KNOW HOW TO FIX IT!” The six other ponies looked at each other in bewilderment. “Oh come on!” Rainbow dash cried out. “I was sleeping for Celestias sake! Starlight have you been giving her coffee? You know what we SAID about that!” Starlight gazed down to her hooves and sighed. “M... maybe a little coffee...” she admitted. “But she usually doesnt go this twilynanas on me... i... i keep a well regulated supply, the key to the cabinet is always around my... neck...” she reached up and felt for the key to the coffee cabinet, which she had kept around her neck since the train incident. The magically enchanted golden 30 tumbler lock was provided by Celestia herself so that Twilight could only get coffee through starlight. The key wasnt there. “Oh for petes sake...” Applejack lamented. “Alright, Twi... I ... i-yawn-i’ll help you in the morning with your idea... its the only way to put you to rest, but im going to bed. Try and get some shut eye... please.” But twilight would not get shut eye. Over the night, while her lazy friends slept, she produced a massive manifesto as to how mail would be delivered from now on, and all equestria was sure to benefit. The catapults were constructed that next afternoon. War was declared on Equestria by Yakyakistan that afternoon also, and peace brokered by the evening. The miscommunication between countries Twilight blamed entirely on the mail system, and an overzealous report to the Yaks by pinkie pie about what was being built. Evidently the drawing of a flying cake being launched from ponyville to the yaks was interpreted as a declaration of hostile intent. Mail was to be loaded into a projectile and launched at speed - to its intended five digit ‘crash code’ from then mail carriers in each town could fetch the mail and use smaller catapults to launch the mail in smaller containers to individual residences. The first day of mail service caused 21 broken windows, it having been poorly communicated that windows in ponyville had to be open on that day. The projectile was designed by the brilliant aviation engineer Rarity and flew perfectly in an arc, inspired by an arrow, it was essentially an arrow with a bullet shaped container at the front, with the cargo cushioned inside with a shock absorber of Applejacks design. The first projectile was loaded with cloudsdale as the intended destination. With much fear and anticipation, Ponyville watched as Twilight pulled the trigger cord. The mail was launched in a graceful arc towards cloudsdale, sailing perfectly for a whole 931 yards seven inches before landing softly in a field. This was only about 93 miles short of cloudsdale. Roseluck screamed as the catapult sling snapped threateningly towards her house. Twilight furiously calculated and determined this catapult was ideal for sending mail to Zecora and Fluttershy. Zecora hastily applied for a stop mail to her address and Fluttershy wisely purchased the last post office box in Ponyville. Starlight Glimmer had the prescience to buy ten and scalp them for a massive profit. Twilight spent the night furiously designing and redesigning, and the next morning more everfree forest was destroyed. Fluttershy lamented. A giant redwood tree was sourced from far away near the mountains, providing a 150 foot long lever arm. Twilight and Applejack overnight had concieved the ‘floating arm trebuchet’ design, and it was hastily built out of two parallel railroad trestles, a entire redwood tree, an axle made of an entire 100 year old oak, two horizontal flatbed rail cars to support the axle, and four railroad trucks on a vertical track system for the weight. A massive water tank was used as the counterweight, so the weight could be finely adjusted. The massive construct loomed menacingly over ponyville the afternoon the mail was to be sent. Twilight gazed over the horizon with her binoculars and then pulled the cord. The trebuchet swung, with a deafening sonic boom the sling cracked through the air like a whip, hurtling the mail out and away, sailing on a beautiful trajectory. The water sloshed out of the tank in an unbalanced wave when the arm descended, dumping all of it out, the Trebuchet wobbled to a stop, soaking everypony with a tidal wave of water that destroyed every garden nearby. The projectile was located two hours later having made it an incredible distance of 6 miles. Twilight reviewed the mathematics and realized this idea was physically impossible. She slept that night but awoke in a fit of brilliance. Pinkie Pie was immediately summoned. “A long distance party cannon? Sure!” Pinkie cheered, as Twilight tried to comprehend how her friends ingenious device worked. Somehow nopony dared to question how the pink one had such a thing in the first place but after exhaustive review Twilight understood the theory well enough to scale it into something massive. Armed with a back of napkin calculation, Twilight designed a cannon like no other, using the same powder that Pinkie sourced from a local cave plus some processing that could deliver mail just about anywhere. When she surmised the amount of steel required it became apparent that this object simply could not be constructed. Instead of being dissauded, Twilight simply chose to do some work for a change and used magic to craft her steel herself. Ponyville was immediately threatened with a river of molten metal that oh so fortunately landed in the local creek, diverting it away from local homes and businesses. The night was marked with the most eerie red glow, after the massive steam cloud faded away from the boiling river as it met the steel. Granny smith thought the world was ending and barricaded herself in the root cellar. “Twi... i know how important this is to you, but could we please pick another city than Cloudsdale?” Applejack begged. “You make one pony a bad batch of cider and the remember for a year, when ya do it twice they remember it for life...” Twilght nodded in agreement. Hastily she renamed her invention “The Canterlot Gun!” Instead of the cloudsdale gun. Rarity couldnt have been happier that her boutique was still being rented. Unbeknownst to ponies, Yakyakistani spies had stolen plans for the Canterlot gun, and while it was being constructed they attempted their own made of stone. Fortunately, the barrel was so loosely assembled that the explosive pressure was minimal, and beside the loud noise and the crumbling, damage was minimal. The construction of the canterlot gun happened in the usual hasty fashion. Ponies looked on in horror as this monstrosity was assembled, loaded with mail, aimed, and of course tested without hardly any study. With a sound that made every ear young and old ring with tinnitus for the next hour, the gun released its load. With remarkable aim thanks to Twilights uncanny mathematical skills, the mail in ponyville flew to canterlot that day and obliterated The Tasty Treat restaraunt. Fortunately it was some kind of holiday and nopony was there. Princess Celestia promptly responded with a stamped, not signed, typewritten cease and desist letter coined by her legal team, which was sent by conventional means and arrived the next day. Derpy hooves returned to delivering letters like she did before, and the Canterlot gun was quietly disassembled, collapsing when the order of operations of its removal were mistakenly shuffled due to multiple pages of instructions written by twilight. The guy wire supporting the barrel was removed first and the barrel fell and demolished roselucks house.