There are few things that make me truly paranoid. A full inn was at the top of the list. I could count the times my inn had been full on one hand. It was three. Each one had been an awful experience of crawls, drunkards, and in one case a lost unicorn turning three of my tables into gardening equipment. I took me a year to find suitable replacements. I decided to fight my paranoia by doing what I do best, serving my customers and ignoring any possible issues. So there I sat, carrying a tray of food to a table while blatantly ignoring the fact I had a full inn. With a plate delivered and seated in front of a pony who was quickly approaching drunk I skittered behind the counter.
I looked over the floor, smiling at the temporary reprieve. I grabbed a glass of water and let the cool liquid pour down my throat. Mana of the gods, I tell you. My brief moment of freedom was quickly dashed by three solid knocks on my front door. I stared at it in abject horror. In my experience, anyone dumb enough to knock on an inn door either had business or wanted trouble. With a full inn, they were sadly interchangeable. I watched in fear as a single drunk patron stumbled up to the door, opening it with a wide smile. "HELLO, WELCOME TO THE PARTY!" With his piece said, the drunkard fell to his side, collapsing on my floor.
This set of events seemed to cause no small amount of chagrin to the very fancily dressed guard sitting outside my room. He looked disgusted at the frankly common occurrence of drunken debauchery that greeted him to my little slice of heaven. I raised an eyebrow as he slowly stepped over the unfortunate pony. He cleared his throat a few times before pulling out a large scroll of paper. I grimaced at this and muttered my thoughts. "Business, it's always business."
With another batch of stuck-up throat clearing my cooks peeked out from the back. Seeing all eyes on him, the guard began speaking. "Hear ye hear ye, on this, the most glorious night of joy as decreed by our gracious princess, the creature known as Charles Russo is to have a full invitation to the Grand Galloping Gala. If he is present he may present himself in proper attire and be teleported to the party post-haste." He looked around expectantly before a griffin who frequented the bar began laughing.
It was slow, but almost every guest who came to this bar every now and again began slowly laughing. The guard began to turn from an apathetic, practiced, gaze to one of outrage. At least until the griffin spoke up. "Hey Charles, think the Wiseman of the brown bottle is gonna enjoy being at the stuffiest party of the year?"
I smiled. "Oh yeah, how fast do you think I'd get kicked out?" I pulled out a mead from my special stash, popping the cap and taking a swig of the heavenly brew. "My guess is right about when I call Celestia an old horse."
The bar erupted into laughter, and I waved at my audience as the guard looked outraged. before the laughter faded he stood tall. "HOW DARE YOU!! THE PRINCESS DESERVES YOUR RESPECT AND AWE, NOT THIS ANTAGONISTIC ATTITUDE THAT SUCH LOW-BORN TRASH FIND HUMOUROUS!"
I shrugged, letting the laughs grow for a moment before signaling a halt. "Listen, guy, you're obviously new..." I paused, trying to remember the last time I was invited to the gala. "Especially since I told Celly last time I wasn't going to a gala unless she thought it would be hilarious. And since she sent the stick in the mud I'm assuming it's going to be bad and she wants me there as the entertainment." I walked around the bar if only to see the pony easier. "So no, I won't go. Instead, I will stay amongst my unwashed masses and serve booze. As I have for years."
I heard an angry shout from my right. "Hey, I'm washed! I took a bath this morning!"
I rolled my eyes. "Friend, everyone in this bar smells like booze and broken dreams. I know this because I also smell like booze and broken dreams. I can sniff out my own kind like a bloodhound."
There were a few murmured agreements before the guard spoke up. "NO! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR SLANDER AGAINST THE HIGH PRINCESS!" He pointed to me dramatically, as if the bar would support him. The silence seemed to be good enough though, as he smirked underneath his stupid helmet.
I took another sip of my drink. "Hey Jeffry, we have the stock for the secret Russo family technique?"
There was a small amount of shuffling from the back before Jeffry's cultured voice rolled from the window. "Ah, of course, sir. Give me a moment." The silence was broken by hoofbeats as Jeffry walked from the back, moving behind the bar with quiet elegance. As soon as he was ready he nodded. "Whenever you're ready sir."
I flexed my muscles, posing dramatically. "Behold pony, you are about to see the secret technique, passed from father to son through my family line for generations." I struck another pose as my customers stared before I shouted. "FREE ROUND OF DRINKS ON THE HOUSE!" Each of my lovely customers began a mad charge for the bar, surrounding me and the guard in bodies. I lept over the crowd, sprinting to the door. "RUN AWAY!!"
I ran from the front door to the cellar, ducking into the room before bolting the door behind me. I let out a few rushed breaths as I went into the small hidden room between two barrels of booze. Sitting at the small table I pulled out the book on the table and began reading. I figured the guard would leave in an hour or two, so I got a break out of this.
***
Celestia looked over the guard who hadn't managed to secure Charles as a guest this year for the Gala. She read over his report again, resisting the urge to smile. "So you say he used a secret technique to cause a stampede, and then bolted from the inn into the desert?"
The guard nodded stiffly. "Yes, your highness. With your say, I will return post-haste and arrest the cretin."
Celestia let out a small giggle, causing the guard to adopt a confused expression. After a moment she shook her head. "That won't be necessary. Honestly, I was hoping he'd come, but this is about what I was expecting. I can hardly expect him to drop everything at such short notice. Return to your station, you did well."