Taking Parcel Post's form was undignified and insulting to Sombra but if this is what it took to spy on the Elements of Harmony, then he could stomach the degradation for just a little bit longer. He clocked in at the post office at exactly 6:30 AM and went to work gathering up packages and letters. Aside from his own need to be punctual and precise, he did this to keep up appearances. If Parcel Post was slacking off at work, then he'd be fired and it would make things more difficult for Sombra to keep up this charade and spy on his enemies. Sometimes, you just had do things you hated for the greater good.
"Good morning, Parcel Post!" A pegasus mare with a poofy red mane chirped.
And let the torture begin.
"Oh, erm, good morning to you too, Sunny!"
According to Parcel Post's memories, Sunny Delivery was one of his close work associates and from the way she was always going out of her way to be extra sweet, Sombra had to wager that she had an infatuation with the weak stallion.
How quaint. Sombra inwardly groaned.
Sunny sighed and leaned forward with her chin on her hooves. "Isn't it just a lovely morning? Just a super fantastic day to be delivering joy and cheer to Ponyville!"
Oh, I think I'm going to vomit!
All this good cheer was nauseating to the umbrum.
Sombra smiled, "When you're right, you're right and you Sunny, are right!" Gathering his mail bag, he then waved goodbye and headed towards the door. "Bye Sunny, talk to you later!"
Why she desires this puny life form is beyond me.
"Bye Parcel Post! I'll be looking for you later, cutie!"
That last flirtatious comment got Sombra thinking. It had been a long time since he'd been on a date with a mare. And that pegasus wasn't bad to look at. Perhaps if he-...
No, no! Focus on your mission! There'll be time for that later!
Shaking his head clear of such distracting thoughts, Sombra trotted through the streets of Ponyville until he arrived at his first destination, a bakery that appeared as though it was designed by a child.
Sugarcube Corner appeared to be made out of gingerbread and topped with a cupcake crowned with three candles.
Ugh, I'm getting a stomach ache just looking at it!
This was the home of the Element of Laughter and looking at the location, it made sense why she'd choose such laughable lodgings. This "Pinkie Pie" was an insane, babbling nitwit but hopefully, that just made her more trusting and liable to manipulation.
"Yes, come into my parlor," said the spider to the fly... He sneered sadistically.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
The dark pink door swung open and Sombra found himself muzzle-to-muzzle with a stupidly-grinning pink mare.
"One package delivery for a …'Pinkie Pie'?"
"Ooh, ooh, I'm a Pinkie Pie!" The mare cheerfully stated and Sombra wished that he could smite her on the spot.
"Gr-great...just sign here and-..." The clipboard was instantly snatched from his hoof and replaced, a frantic signature scribbled over the dotted line. "That was...impressively fast." He then found himself yanked through the door and plopped down into a chair as the pink pony tore away at the package's wrapping paper. "Uh, Miss-...?"
"Eeeeee! It's the extra chunky choco-fudge confetti bomb for my party cannon!" The mare began to hop around excitedly, jabbering like a fool as she bounced on her spring-like tail, accompanied with an audible sproiiiiing! sound.
Sombra fought to keep his cool, not wanting to blow his cover.
"Excuse me, Miss, I really must be going now-..."
"Nonsense!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, pulling Sombra into a hug. "You just brought me a mega-super-amazing gift! I have to repay you!"
Dropping dead and ceasing your chattering would be an excellent start.
The mare bounded towards the kitchen and returned with a slice of chocolate cake covered in chocolate shavings and topped with butterscotch icing and a strawberry. "Here you go, Parcel Post!"
"Aw, thank you, Pinkie Pie. It sure looks scrumptious! I'll just slip it into my bag and enjoy it when I get home-..."
Pinkie's ears sagged. "Wh-what? No, no, no, no! You have to enjoy its scrumptiousness now!"
Curse this half-wit!
"Really, I must insist. I have more deliveries to make and...what...what are you doing?"
The pink mare's crystal-blue eyes had expanded impossibly wide, her lower lip trembling as she pleadingly peered at him. "Please oh please, won't you at least try one itty-bitty little bite before you leave? Pleeeeeease? With sprinkles and hot fudge on tooooop?"
The display was so heart-wrenchingly adorable that Sombra found every bit of his stone-hearted resolve breaking apart piece by piece.
What sorcery is this? What are you?!
"Stop! If I try one bite, will you please stop doing that?!"
Within the blink of an eye, Pinkie Pie had returned to normal, her head bobbing up and down as her tongue lolled out of her mouth. "Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!"
Rolling his eyes, Sombra scooped up a plastic fork from a cup on a nearby table, cut off a small piece of cake and eyed Pinkie disdainfully, finding her tracking his every movement.
Behold the stallion! Sombra, King of the Crystal Empire, Ruler of the Frozen North...now reduced to stuffing his face with cake in order to placate a mare. What have I been reduced to?
Slipping the fork into his waiting mouth, Sombra chewed the cake slice and found his tongue bombarded by possibly the greatest thing he'd ever eaten. The creaminess of the flavor...the consistency of its content...it was too divine to waste on words!
"It's...it's amazing," Sombra finally managed, shamelessly shoveling more and more of the cake into his maw, moaning slightly as he felt it melt in his mouth, his tongue breaking it apart just to keep the flavor alive. "This is the greatest thing I have ever eaten...period!"
"Yay! You loved it, you loved it, you loved it!" Pinkie cheered, bouncing around and waving a pair of pom-poms that Sombra was certain she didn't have a minute ago.
I didn't see them anywhere. Where did she procure those? And when?
"I mean, I know it's your favorite flavor buuuut I wasn't too sure about the milk chocolate-dark chocolate ratio or the consistency of the butterscotch icing...."
While Pinkie Pie mindlessly blathered on, Sombra licked his plate clean, appreciating the mare's gesture and...
What am I doing? Am I actually grateful to this idiot?
"...And then Gummy just had to insist on being my taste-tester and you know I can't ever turn down Gummy-..."
"Yes, yes, it was scrumptious! I mean, thank...you for the cake. I really must be going."
And with that, Sombra fled out the door before Pinkie could get another word in.
By the fires of Faust, that was painful! Still...that cake was good. Maybe I won't execute her when I return to power. And ponies say I'm heartless.