November 23, 20XIX
I keep my hands in my jeans’ pockets, trying not to shiver too much in the cold as I walk to my new Mystery job. Five bucks says I’ll be a goddamn janitor. I sigh as I look at my shirt. It’s red, but stinks like hell since I haven’t been able to afford anything for about a week. I’m a bit skinnier than usual, but I’ll be able to eat soon. I look up to see the stone walls of the Checkpoint were a little ways away. There were a few buildings around it, one of which I could guess was for immigration purposes. I keep a steady pace as I walk to the area, looking around for signs.
There are a few guards, most of which are talking to each other. I notice one walk up to me as I search for any signs to point me where to go. “Halt! Creature, what is your business here?” He asks. I stop and look at him.
“I’m told to meet someone named Lucky Runner here?” I ask. He quirks an eyebrow and hums.
“Are you the hoomahn the Princess told us about?”
“Do you see any other fuckwits that look like me?” I sarcastically ask. He sighs.
“That language will get you fired.” I roll my eyes. “Lucky's in that building next to the wall,” he says, pointing to a two story building, with a sign that says ‘Management’. I nod.
“Thanks dipshit,” I say, walking over. He shakes his head dissapprovingly and trots off to continue his duties.
I walk up to the door of the Grey building, inspecting the first impression it gives off. There are various chips and cracks, signifying how crappy the place is. Even some of the windows were broken. I scoff and start to knock on the door, but I stop as I hear voices.
“...Thus, it gives me the greatest pleasure to KICK YOUR STUPID ASS OUT!!!” I immediately step aside as the door opens, and a grey pony with brown hair is launched out. The stallion grunts as he lands, and gets up.
“Ugh, stupid bitch, she’ll pay for this...” He gets up and brings a hoof up, similar to how I would flip someone off, before he starts walking away,
“Someone’s a little pissy,” I comment, walking in. I look over to see a small mare, red with a faded red mane. She has a horn, and she’s pissed. That’s a combination I don’t like. However, I am in the infamous emotional state of ‘no fucks given’. I lazily wave hi as I walk in. “Yo, I’m told to meet a pony named Lucky Runner?” The mare sighs and stands up straight.
“Are you the human I’m told to meet?”
“I literally just had this conversation,” I say. “What the fuck do you think?” She blinks before glaring.
“I think that you should shut your trap long enough to get through the first day,” she replies. I smirk.
“Finally, a pony who isn’t chickenshit-“
“Go to your office, it’ll be at the building built into the wall,” she says, turning to leave. I sigh.
“Gee, that’s a lot of fucking help,” I mutter. I turn back and walk out the door. Looking around, I notice what Lucky was talking about. It’s a small building, jutting out from the wall. It has two doors, one of which is labeled ‘Staff only’. I bet it’s a fucking janitor’s closet. I walk over, and open the door. I blink in surprise to see it’s an actual office. There’s a desk sitting against a wall, under a window looking into a different room. I quirk an eyebrow as I walk over to it. A mic? Stamps? Buttons? What the hell do I need this shit for? I take the chair back a little, and sit in it. I finally notice a note stuck onto a book. I take the note and read silently.
’Dear Anonymous,
Your task is to be the Checkpoint Inspector for the day. If you fail more than three times, you shall be sent to the dungeon for vulgar language in the presence of royalty.
The task itself is not hard, it shall be exceedingly easy. All you have to do is stamp Equestrian passports. The last Inspector was too slow, and made too many discrepancies. We had to close the Border for maintenance due to his poor actions. Now that we have reopened it, we ask that you do not screw this up.
I stare at the note in unamusement. So, their resolution to a problem with National Security, is to literally hire some random alien off the street? Furthermore, why the fuck would you only allow Equestrians in? Won’t that look racist? I shake my head at how stupid this is. I don’t even see how I can fuck this up on purpose. In any case, I lean towards the mic. “First schmuck, please come up.” I lean back as the first entrant walks in. It’s a pony. She stops upon seeing me. After a moment, she nervously walks up anyway. She hands me her passport, which was Equestrian. I look at the stamps I have. Green for approve, and red for denial. I use the green stamp, and give her papers back. She nods her thanks and leaves. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
The next entrant is a crystal pony. I quirk an eyebrow as he walks up. “How the hell do you guys work?” I ask. He stops.
“What?”
“I mean, you’re literally made of crystals,” I explain. “So, how’re you able to move and shit? Are you just basically those vampires from that shitty vampire movie?”
“... What?” The crystal pony asks again. I sigh, take his papers, deny them, and hand them back.
“Sorry, we don’t accept bullshit creatures today,” I say. He sputters as he walk out with his papers. I lean towards the mic. “Next!”
The next entrant is a pony. He walks up, and hands me his papers, eyeing me suspiciously. I take his passport and look over it. Equestrian. I look at his name.
Marty McFaggot.
I start snickering. “What?” Marty asks. I burst into laughter and give him a green stamp. He keeps his confused look as I give him his passport. He shrugs and leaves.
It’s been a couple hours, and it’s nearly ten o’clock. I stamp deny on a dragon’s passport. “Sorry fucko, but Equestria’s stupidity is in effect,” I say. The dragons huffs and yanks his passport back.
“Figures,” he mutters, walking off. I start to lean towards the mic, but a pop and a flash stops me.
“Human, I wish to call off the-“ Celestia’s voice stops mid sentence. I look up and cross my arms as I see her shocked. “... Where are your citations?” She asks. I quirk an eyebrow.
“Do I seriously look that stupid?” I ask. She shakes her head.
“No, I mean-“
“All I have to do is see where they’re from, and make sure their papers are correct,” I say, shrugging. Celestia’s brow furrows.
“What do you mean, ‘see where they’re from?’” I get the rulebook and show it to her. She scans the words with her eyes and sighs.
“I swear that pony has no shame,” she mutters. She turns to me. “Human, I shall update the rules for you. Allow anyone with correct papers to pass. The current rules are now null and void.” She leans in. “Also, do not ever mention this blunder to anypony.” She straightens up. “Continue your work. If you receive five citations, I shall send you to the dungeons.” I quirk a brow at her. “Now, I know this may seem hard-“
“Don’t you mean if I receive any citations?” I ask. She stops and looks at me in uncertainty.
“... Very well human,” she says, unsure. I nod.
“Now, fucketh off Ass of Sun,” I say. Celestia narrows her eyes.
“Human, you’ve already tested my patience up to this point with your words. I advise you to cease your nonsense,” she warns. I laugh.
“Why bother advising me about that shit if I’m already being threatened with the possibility of going to prison over some paperwork?” I ask. Celestia stares at me for a minute before smirking slightly.
“You’re right, you’ll probably be sent to the dungeon anyway,” she confirms. She giggles. “You know, I believe it is foolish to be so arrogent of your abilities human."
"Don't care," I say, stretching my arms. She smiles smugly and teleports out. I sigh as I slouch. "Damn, she's annoying."
It's been quite a few hours. I look at the clock to see it's almost six. I sigh and continue my work. "Next!"
The next entrant is a griffon, gruff and buff as fuck as he walts into the room. He walks over to me and gives me his papers. "Man, can't wait to hit the gym," he says absentmindedly. I scoff.
"Dumbfuck, you already won, you don't need a gym" I say, stamping his passport green. Before I could hand him his passport, the alarms go off. I look around, confused, while the griffon looks over in terror. The shutters fly down, and I quirk an eyebrow. "The hell's going on?" I ask. Suddenly, an explosion sounds out, and the room shakes. "The fuck!?" I yell. I rush to my door and throw it open to find a pillar of smoke from a building. I see various groups of guards rushing to it. I don’t know what to do, so I back into the room. If this is a terrorist attack, then some random tall ape is gonna be suspicious to them. At the very least, I’ll look like someone who’s just scared. While I may not care about imagery of myself, I kinda want to stay alive. The griffon on the other side has left with his papers a couple minutes ago. I simply sit in my chair as I wait for someone to gather me up for something or another. The door opens, revealing a pissed off guard. I can immediately tell that I’m fucked.
“Who’re you working for you filthy bitch!?” The guard yells.
“I’m filthy? With that language, your mouth is filled with shit,” I reply. The guard growls and starts walking towards me threateningly. Or rather, as threatening as he can be. He leans into my face, trying to be fearsome.
“If you don’t answer questions ape, I’ll bucking rip you a new one,” He says. I snicker.
“Sorry, but I’m not in the mood to care,” I say. Before the pony could go on, a pop sounds as Celestia teleports into the room. She’s not happy. The guard scrambles out of the way as she walks up.
“Anonymous the human, I have warned you about making mistakes-“
“Didn’t you say there would be a citation or something?” I ask. She stops, looking at me in confusion before looking around.
“... Where did you hide it?” She asks. I shake my head.
“Didn’t.” Celestia looks at her horn for a moment before sighing.
“At least you’re honest,” she mutters. She turns to the guard. “I’ll deal with this, please continue to go to wherever you’re needed.” The guard salutes, and scampers out. Celestia sighs and sits down as the door closes. “Today, is really not a day for this.”
“Well make it night then, you have the power,” I smartass. Celestia scoffs.
"If only it were that easy." Celestia clears her throat and recomposes herself. "Come, human. I shall guide you to your new home." I quirk a brow.
"Wait, you were serious about the whole house thing?" I ask. She nods.
I stare at my new house with an unimpressed expression. It's literally a fucking shack. "... I could build something better than this piece of shit," I complain.
"Well, when you get the money, be my guest to buy something better," Celestia says. "Besides, I did not anticipate on you actually winning the deal. I grabbed the cheapest one I could."
"You know you could bullshit a little better, right?" I ask sarcastically. Celestia sighs.
"In any case, come back to work tomorrow. You'll work twelve hours a day, six days a week, and Sunday is your only day off."
"Why, so I can worship your fat ass?" I smartass. She rolls her eyes. "... Wait did I just get a job?" i ask.
"Yes. Now don't be late tomorrow," Celestia replies. Without a response, she teleports away.
"... Mother fu-"