Canterlot:
Upon a great silver throne sat the bearer of the night and the second ruler of the Equestrian Diarchy Princess Luna. Perched on the red velvet cushions she carefully listened out to the demands of the two stallions standing before her who, rather curiously, referred to themselves as the iron studs. A rather bizarre name to go by in decent public but not the strangest that she has heard in the real world or in the realm of dreams…
While the two stallions did not look in their best shape a similar thing could be said about the princess of the night as their well re-cited speech ha been interrupted many times for a drink of coffee on the behalf of the princess. Every single time she called for the caste servants to bring her another ration of the life sustaining fluid the two friends gave each other a nervous glance often followed on with a bead or two of sweat hanging form their manes: While Coal Pudding managed to magic his mane into it’s proper shape prior to the meeting Onion Breeze had no chance to recover his once seductive mullet-taking a more of a Bethoofen look. Still the two brave pones pushed their sales pitch harder than Flim & Flam on Black Friday, they must not fail! They waited five days for this courtship and thus expended all their pocket change-including the bits for the trip back to Trottingham… Whilst they were tied down in a motel they worked tirelessly to rip out every weakness that they have envisioned in their magnum opus. The loading mechanism was altered, an extra pair of 5” guns thrown in, the deck armour was given an extra inch and thus the ship was thirty feet longer with the displacement gone up by two thousand tons-adding a hundred grand to the parts bill…
-”…and so we will have the greatest in what modern technology has to offer! The mightiest ship in the Equestrian history that carries the biggest and most accurate guns the most dependable and powerful power plant as well as the armour that until now we could only dream of! All that and the project only will cost us 5 million an one hundred thousand bits. Now this is the same price as four wooden ships of the line with steam engines but it will be worth every piece of biscuit that we spend on it!”
”Hmmm,” Luna thought as she floated herself a pineapple, her muzzle in deep thought as she eyes the eyes of the delectable fruit, then the stallions and then the fruit as she took a sizable bite out of the royal-sized treat. Whilst chewing she floated herself the tin model of the vessel; meticulously studying the decks, turrets and casemates that would be installed on the real siege engine of the seas. “This battleship you preach so diligently for does seem to possess great power!” She moved model in her magic as she tried to envision the vessel in its natural setting-in the heat of combat. “It hold the might to install both fear and awe-it is indeed an admirable vessel.”
The two stallions lit up as they have bathed in the sudden aura of positivity that shun on them… They could envision themselves at the head of the Manehattan shipwright… bossing everypony around them to assemble the grand leviathan-like vessel…
“But”
No…
-“We do have a few questions in regards to thine ironclad…”
-”Shoot it…” Onion breeze stepped in front as he raised his neck tall-his muzzle pointing straight at the diarch. His eyes holding so much life and void alike-akin to a starving changeling. “What on Faust’s green earth is wrong with our ship?”
-”To start, keeping in mind sisters’s foreign policy we cannot foresee a reason for any future expansions of the royal Equestrian navy…” The unicorn was about to throw an interruption but he was cut off with an icy stare “And, if a struggle is to emerge then the recommended move would be to enchant the existing vessels rather than construct a new class of warship.”
-”But your highness, what if the magic has been nullified? Akin to Chrystalis’s throne?” The unicorn pleaded.
-”That horrid seat was destroyed long ago…”
-”But is the only one?” Added the pegasus looking increasingly more confident “What about Tirek? What about other nullifying artefacts that may exist in this world. Thus, we would need a new class vessel that hold its own without much magic available on our side…
-” True, but you do understand what message it would send to everypony…”
-” Before you begin did I mention that the project is estimated to create over 9000 jobs in any city where we are planning to begin construction... (Of course they knew that no existing shipwright is capable of producing a vessel that is over 600 hooves long so there’s some additional costs, all the more jobs created) and it will set the precedent that Equestria is keen protecting its subjects from any potential danger that may arise. Not to mention we have all those 14” guns which just sit there collecting dust in warehouses all along the east coast while the royal guard still uses spears and catapults. What’s even more preposterous is that I have heard from a reliable source that one of the guns was sold to an earth pony in Dodge Junction and the other one was sold to a mare in Ponyville who also owns a 30-pounder carronade...”
-“…” The princess of the night stood still…
-“I am never going to Ponyville again…” Mumbled the unicorn “Indeed those guns are a little old and need working on-we’ll have to harden the steel and rifle out the barrels but…”
-“I beg your pardon?” Luna perked up as the few remaining squints of her sleepiness were flushed away by the revelations. “Are thy telling me Celestia oversaw production of heavy artillery under my back and sold them off to commoners?”
-“Possession of weapons has never been illegal…” The pegasus said smugly as he recalled how the local authorities tried in futility to confiscate his stash of homemade firearms. “This happens to include gunpowder weapons. But we know nothing on why the big guns were made for…”
-“But we did purchase a third one for TESTING purposes…”Said the unicorn as the pegasus tensed up akin to an angry feline but the unicorn ignored him: “It was very cheap!”
-Luna blinked, then her eye twitched a little…“If so then we must head out to the royal archive and discover the intent of my sister at once! I do hope you have the day free?”
Ponyville
-“Twilight, why would you think I would want to become a princess?” Starlight cocked her head as she pushed away Twilight’s charged horn. “And why so sudden?”
-“But Starlight…” The purple princess instantly objected… “You are the most deserving mare I know who is well worthy of the title.” Trixie muttered something incomprehensible. “After all? Doesn’t everypony want to be a princess? Think of all the way you can benefit from it-in your capability of helping others of course!” Twilight grinned widely…
-“How would that help me?” Starlight questioned much to Twilight’s surprise “There is literally no benefit for me becoming a princess of anything…”
-“How… Why-e-What!?”
-“Look, I already know how to fly so I have no need for wings, if I were interested in immortality I already know an age spell that is 100% reliable, I am already well skilled in magic and you just taught me and Trixie the Canterlot voice. Why would I need this?”
-“Wait!” Trixie interrupted as she trotted to Starlight, tucking her muzzle under her ear. “Think of all the authority you will gain from this!” She whispered excitingly “You’ll get to be the bossmare that you deserve to be”
-“I don’t want to…” She said aloud
-“But…”
-“Every moon I get a letter from my old village asking me to return” She said blankly “I never told you what happened after my visit to Our Town?
-“Sorry for trashing your cottage…” mayor Double Diamond said sheepishly, “We were a little hot headed then for you know why… But we don’t hold a grudge against you!”
-“Thanks, it is a pleasure to see the old place all cheerful like that” “she said warmly, “It is sad that I once deprived you of so many simple pleasures…”
-“Starlight, we have long forgiven you for what you have done a year ago. It’s in the past…”
-“I know, and I wouldn’t want it any other way...”
-“You know you could always come back if you want to…” Double Diamond suggested, “Of course you will need a place to crash in but we can always extend the old community terrace…”
-“Sorry, but I have all new my friends in Ponyvile, I can however visit you over with Trixie for Nightmare Night”
-“But Starlight ewe don’t want you to just visit every now and then.” Diamond stepped in “We want you back as a leader!”
-“Ex-cuse me?” Starlight froze for a second.
-“You have created this town in the middle of the Badlands amongst the sands where we lived for a decade. We know it was in ill intent but back then you gave us hope. Most of us had nothing to go by before we met you and it was your wisdom which built this community form the ground up! Knowing how you turned out we would all welcome your return to take charge.”
-“But the community is flouring anyway? Why would you want me to return?”
-“It might be but we all know it can be better. We are no smaller than Appleoosa but look at where we are-the nearest rail line is an hour long trek in the desert, we don’t have a schoolhouse, we have no library to keep our books in, which have a few to begin with, and no real connections with Equestria. Speaking of connections, until Big Mac started hauling in apples our diet did not really change much since you left. “The snow-white stallion took a deep breath” Many of us first intended to leave Our Town but we soon realised that we don’t have anything else really besides it and us; we had no choice but to stay. On the other hoof, once we had our talents back we once again grew fond of the place. Like before we don’t ask anypony bits for lunch and the little money we need to get some pots and other wares we make by bartering bricks and cotton, amongst other options…”
“BIG MACK AH NEED TO TALK TO YA, WHY IN THE HAY Y’KEEP TAKIN DEM DAMN iouS FROM SUGAR BELLE? AH KNOW WHAT SETUP THEY ’AVE IN STARLIGHT’S PLACE! WE’LL NE’ER SEE’EM CASHED!”
“If you can bless Our Town with your presence and make ponies to flock to Our Town’s magnificence we can become the Badlands’ Crystal Empire, we know you have the means just show us the way…”
“The absolute last two things I want is to become Equestria’s Princess of Communism or being put in charge of my old village. I don't have many fond memories”
“Trixie is sorry…”
-”I understand, but you don’t have to be the princess of that-what about princess of awesomeness…
-“Rainbow would object…”
-“I WOULD OBJECT!!!”
Canterlot
-“So…To sum it all up” Luna rubbed her temples as the two stallions delightfully munched on a hearty cheese and onion pie with a side of, no other way of saying it, the best bucking tea they ever had. “The guns were a result of a re-armament proposal in the year 1091 by chancellor Neighsay as a response to the increasing tensions with Zebrica and the Dragonlands. The push for re-armament was made in the hall of the nobles and won out by an overwhelming majority and vigour amongst the Canterlot Royal Chamber. Production began in 1092 with some three dozen barrels being produced in the east coast cities. However production was halted after two years by the order of my sister to, and I quote “Stop the madness immediately”. Thus the guns were left untouched until the “Right to Buy Act of 549” kicked in-allowing to purchase decommissioned war equipment seventy moons after de-commission-three were sold. Those guns were sold to Cheese Sandwich, Pinkamena Dianne Pie and… you…”
-“I really don’t trust the EEA” The pegasus grumbled. “I am yet to meet the mad horse who does…Nor do I trust Zebrica…”
-“Real smooth onion breath…” The unicorn gritted his teeth.
-“No seriously have you heard anything about them? I get to hear a lot about the Crystal Empire, Yakyakistan, Saddle Arabia, heck even the Changelings have opened up-I’ve actually visited the hive once. What do we know about Zebrica besides stereotypes? Nothing. We, the public that is, know absolutely nothing and they are yet to open-up…”
-“I know not what to reply…” Luna said… “But…, as far the construction of your battleship is concerned my current, and likely final, decision is…”
Suddenly her ears perked up as if she heard a noise amongst the sea of silence that was the royal archive. Neither of the stallions heard anything but Luna did. By Starswirl’s beard she did! There was a distant shriek, a shriek that only one pony on earth can produce…
-“Are you armed?” Luna asked sharply giving them a penetrating hard gaze.
-“Well I do have the experimental hoof cannon and about a dozen shots.”
-“And you?”
-“I have a fountain pen…”
-“Then you must both follow us at once! Our precious sister might be in peril!”
Ponyville
A large figure burst out through the window, shattering it into a billion crystal fragments stunning everypony in the building. Miraculously missing the occupants the shards vaporized upon meeting with the walls. As the three ponies recovered from shock they were hit with another greater one… Before them stood princess Celestia herself-foam spewing from her muzzle, eyes bloodshot and her mane hanging still. The mares inside miraculously avoided a collective heart failure having all their muscles tense up to an extent that Trixie looked more chiselled than Bulk Biceps.
-“PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” The alicorn roared with the might of a thousand lions. “HOW DARE YOU BETRAY YOUR TUTOR LIKE THIS!? DO YOU THINK ANYPONY GETS THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE WHO AND WHO DOES NOT ASCEND? I SHALL BANISH YOU TO THE MO… no wait that meme is too old even for me URANUS FOR THIS HIDEOUS CRIME!”
As the rabid diarch charged up her horn but to no avail as the room rocketed with a great purple blast as three more ponies teleported in the middle of the hall. As they quickly used a millisecond to thank whatever deity they had in mind they have took the opportunity to run towards the open doors as they hid behind one of the many decorative crystal tables.
Twilight soon gathered enough courage to look over the table trying not to think of what she might have done to Celestia (lest she has a mental breakdown mighty enough to discord herself) and saw to her own relief princess Luna along with Onion Breeze and Coal Pudding to her dismay, armed…
This is bad…
THIS IS BAD!
THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!
Twilight…
Celestia has finally snapped and went mad on her! AND FOR WHAT!? Not for Smarty Pants she was a young silly filly back then. Not for giving all of the most dangerous of villains second chances, with exception of Storm King and King Sombra those were unplanned. No, she has doomed the entire pony race just because she thought Starlight would look cuter if she had wings and a crown.
TWILIGHT BUCKING SPARKLE!
“Eh”
She has finally snapped out of her state as she finally noticed Trixie shaking her by the shoulders (actually do equines have shoulders) with her hooves and her mouth firmly placed on her ear.,,
Yea, she was fully aware by now, and off all the tartarusbound cacophony swirling around her.
-"Sister! What has possessed you to turn onto your own most prized pupil?"
-"Leave me Luna! This is strictly between me and Twilight!"
-"What has this mare done to anger you so? You were a second mother to her? Who was it that seeked every second to teach her the making of friendship?"
-"Leave me alone, Luna."
-"Not until you explain all this nonsense!"
-"This is IT!" Celetia yelled as her teeth sprouted fangs, her mane elevated once more-only to spark into flames on the edges until the crimson, orange and gold leaves of flame reached her skull morphing her eyes in the process "ifF I cAn't haVE mY WaY, tHEN nOPOnY wILL!
-"..." Luna cautiously backed off as she was at loss for words, thought and anything coherent. The stallions were both panicking behind the alicorn in their own unique ways: Onion was haphazardly ramming the muzzle of his rifle clenching the ramming rod in his wing as he cursed every entity around him while Coal managed to compress himself tight enough to fit under Luna's plot (which was impressive for the borderline obsess unicorn) unfortunately he had to immediately start looking for a different hiding spot as he noticed where his 10" javelin of a horn was pointing. The three mares were both sitting behind the table completely frozen as the consequences sunk in. Twilight in particular was milimeters away from receiving a magical haemorrhage. That was until their silence was broken with a soul ripping yell:
-"YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE SISTER!" Luna sprouted tears from her deep blue eyes" YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CONTAIN AND DEFEAT THE NIGHTMARES NOT BECOME ONE!"
-"Te-he-he!" Starlight giggled much to everypony's surprise. "Sill filly! That meme was loooooong dead." She squeaked.
-"Starlight, are you okay?" Twilight asked as the confusion chased off most of her fear while Trixie was also recovering.
-"Sorry..." she shook her head. "I think all this madness made me go out of character..."
-"Lets worry about it la...!
BWZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
"ARGH!"
"CLEAR THE MUZZLE!"
BANG!
"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!"
The trio turned around to get an update on the situation and the sight before them proved most of their worries: the Lunar diarch and Daybreaker were in a magical deadlock as their beams collide burned each other off. The solar nightmare had bleeding mark on the neck and a pen being poked at her from various angles-attempting to make a stab. The unicorn was out of hiding and had a bewildered look on his muzzle as if he himself was going mad while the pegasus remained in all-around state of anger as he was loading in the ball and powder with his mouth.
Twilight, Trixie and Starlight have both came to aid as they have blasted the nightmare along with Luna and the pen finally found it's target-which is better left unmentioned so it is not to breach the teen ra...
"HA! GET PEN-ED MONSTER!" Chanted a triumphant Coal Pudding.
...ting.
"I SHOULD HAVE NEVER BANISED YOU TO THE MOON, INSTEAD I SHOULD HAVE DESTROTED YOU!!!"
Tears started rolling down Luna's muzzle, as the orange beam consumed it's rainbow-like opposition...
"No..."
"LUNA! DON'T BEND TO HER MANIPULATION!" Twilight screamed as she gave it all she had. "THIS IS NOT HER WE CAN SAVE HER!"
"CLEAR THE MUZZLE!" The gun clicked to no avail. "Buck...." The Pegasus sweated like a cold piece of glass... "HOT STICKY RUT IN TARTARUS OVER A TUESDAY BUCKING BHRUCH WITH DISCORD AND CRYSTALIS! I PUT IN THIS CRYSTAL YESTERDAY AND YOU MISFIRE ON ME!?!?"
"Stop bothering with that it dIdn't do much anyway!" Coal yelled as he joined in to push back the beam. "Go get every unicorn you can find!"
"Forget it!" Interrupted Twilight "Go get Spike ask him to send a letter to Princess Cadence immediately!"
"FAUST HELP ME!" Trixie chanted as she dashed off into the side and turned into the side-as the beam rapidly advanced onto the group. Trixie puffed her chest, furrowed her eyes and charged up her horn; her muzzle full of doubt and confidence alike. Before any thought could be made by the occupants the air filled with Equeastria's loudest chant in recorded history:
TEA-CUP!!!!!!
FLASH
And on the ground there was a cute, little pink teacup...
The group absorbed what has happened before them as they pondered there for a second until eventually the metaphorical ice was broken....
-"AHA! GAZE ONTO THE UNPRECIDENTED, UNPARALELLED, UNMATCHED, UNSEEN VOLUME OF MY MAGIFICENCE! WHO IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL UNICORN NOW!?" She danced herself into the corridor as she continued to celebrate like a filly on Heartswarming eve followed by an ecstatic trail of magic fireworks.
It wasn't long before the others have caught up to the situation. However with one weight lifted another burden came to follow.
-"H-how do we get our precious sister from this state?" Pondered Luna as she turned the completely motionless mug in her hoof. "Did she!?"
-"No!" Starlight interrupted immediately as she shielded the mare in the corridor..."I have seen something like that before, don't ask me about the circumstances, she should still be ok. The question is what happens when we reverse the transformation because while Trixie did save us now...
-"Trixie is gre-eat! Trixie is powerful!" Echoed form the corridor...
-"...I don't think we will get a second opportunity like that" She finished.
-"Agree." Twilight added as she set up the cup back on it's original spot. "Once we undo the magic we do not know in what state Celestia shall emerge! This is big! We need to start looking into what remedies we might have! I don't know how long we can keep Equestria without a ru-oneoftherulers." She smiled sheepishly as she took a few deep breath to calm herself down. " At worst we can always try to retake the elements of harmony from the tree like you and Celestia once did, however we do need a way to test the...
-"Butterfeathers!" Onion grunted as the rifle slipped out of his wing as it hit the ground....
The hammer hit the stone-the piezoelectric spark lighting the powder that was rammed inside the barrel held tight by the barrel of lead which was now exiting the piece as it ground itself against the rifled innards till it left the muzzle …
BANG!
The cup lay on the floor shattered into billion pieces...
Tension...
Tension...
Tension...
TENSION
"Ho-ho this is too rich!"
The cup floated into the air, reshaped, turned brown and morphed into a sausage which was then coated in generous amounts of mustard, ketchup and cottage cheese only to be sent into a suddenly materialised meatgrinder truing it into a grey paste after it got garnished with hay and pickles and shoved into a tube of toothpaste. The tube enlarged tenfold from which a greatly bemused draconequis sprouted out who was immediately greeted...
"DISCOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!" The bewildered chant shook the windows as the shockwaves pugnaciously rocked the castle...
-"My poor ears..." Coal Pudding coiled up on the floor as he soaked in the volume.
-"Well well, while my pranks can be a bit off the rail I would never resort to physical violence." He snapped his talons immediately killing off the pain that has assaulted the grey unicorn stallion. Immediately followed on by a pair of earmuffs.
-"where. IS. OUR. SISTER?!?!
-"Having honeysuckle tea and rosewater cakes with King Thorax." He said sincerely as he pulled out a green muffin from his short mane. "Or is it rosewater tea and honeysuckle cake? Their juvenile cuisine is just so unique compared to what you eat." He said as he took a bite. "Want some?"
-"Why have you came here in the first place!?" Twilight
-"Uh-huh-huh Twily." He swirled around everypony. "Is this how you greet an old friend and a fellow member of the Sweet Celestia I Saved Equestria club? And before you argue I have a very valid point for being here.
-"Do you?" Luna asked cautiously.
-"Why yes, can her purple highness please recall what happened here about a week ago with these two fine gentelcolts?" He asked as the two looked over only now realising who they have been with. "I believe you three had quite the talking when I wasn't around, haven't you?"
-"Yes," Twilight admitted "you can say that..."
About a Week Ago
-"Look, for the last time I will tell you that I will not back a weapons program under any circumstances in the foreseeable future." Twilight announced at the stallions, not too loudly to affect her composure but clear enough to shake up the atmosphere. "I do not care how many jobs it will create or the advances that you have made in warship design. As a princess of friendship I simply cannot back a re-armament proposal of any sort."
-"But your highness there are many threats surrounding Equestria far and wide! The known threats might be reducing but else is the packed around us we cannot be this blissfully unaware of the fact that there are people who would be happy to see us exterminated and I personally have seen faaaaaaar too many close calls in my lifetime!" Spewed Onion Breeze. "I have witnessed more scummery in my life than I did days!"
-"But friendship always..."
-"Yes..., Until it doesn't and you are left broken with no family except a starving foal you fund in a slag-pit who you have no idea how to feed... " The unicorn raised an eyebrow to that while Twilight looked a bit shaken up.
-"I think we are all reasonable ponies here..." Oiled the unicorn. "Shouldn't we have noting but the very best to deal with the steadily oncoming threats, which as my good-but a bit overemotional friend stated do exist? What we do here is good for the country. Or does her highness not value the safety of her own life?
-I ain't sure how wizardry goes these days but say you wind up in prison along with every other wizard... what do we do then? Threat them with humiliating literature?
So it appears some pony thought that the best thing to do to help Equestria is to buff the overbuffed? Discord giggled. "Just how long have you been thinking of that? A week of nothing coffee and research what normal being would do that?" A wicked smirk took over his face. "Unless..." He snapped his talons giving Twilight a frazzled mane a pair of oversized glassed and a green paper cup half filled with coffee, her body instantly clothed in a pair of flared jeans and a red T-shirt with a portrait of man captioned Viva la Revovultion. "Mhhhno…, that would be weak even for this fanfic, Lulu dear?" he slithered as he wrapped around "I see you are a little confused? Do you think Starlight would look good with wings or should I ask Rarity?"
-"I beg your pardon?" Luna panned at Twilight who was steadily shrinking into a fluffy ball under the inquiring gaze. Not knowing what to re-ply to the confused and potentially angered diarch as she once again considered where she might banished to.
-And since Starlight does not even want it in the first place...?
-"Then why are you here in the first place?" Asked Twilight.
-Why you upset me Twily. I was just playing a harmless prank. You were the one who laid the foundation... "He noticed the Lunar guardian look increasingly peeved at someone and it probably wasn't Twilight. "But I admit this is not one of my best pranks, still it's not like anypony got hurt and we can all learn a valuable friendship lesson from it, well gotta go! "HE pulled out an oversized pocket watch. "Got a tea with Fluttershy to attend to!" He said as he vanished along with the Princess and the two stallions.
-Oh and by the way! "He reappeared briefly lounging on Trixie's hat casually sipping a Pina Collada"Don't try turning your villains into teacups, it can work but you are not at the level, not yet at least!"
-"Ow..."
Later
"Twilight?" Trixie asked as she swept off the bits of lead from the carpet.
-"Yes?"
-"Why didn't Discord clean up? He could have done it in a second."
-"At least you should be happy you weren't toyed with..."
-"Or made a fool of yourself..."
-"Heh... Starlight can I ask you for a favour?"
-"Shoot it" She said as she levitated a table back in place.
-Can you teach me how do you fly? "Twilight raised an eyebrow" I encounter so many things on the road when travelling to other towns. I won't use it to show off or anything"
-Sure, why not. Looks like Equestria will be getting two new candidates for Princesshood, eh Twilight? "she smirked"
-"Hmmm..."Twilight briefly imagined Princess Trixie Lulamoon ridding across the sky surrounded by ethereal blue aura on a sky blue chariot presented in full platinum regalia, shimmering in the rays of a rising sun. Yea right..."Heh, sure!" she beamed, "Just promise not to turn me into porcelain when you take over Equestria!"