(Act 4)
“Argh! Idiots, the lot of them!” Starlight stamped her hoof on the muddy ground. “I told them to wait for my signal!”
“To be fair, you didn’t tell them what the signal would to be,” Maud blinked twice. Uh-oh, Starlight, you’ve really done it now! She’s practically seething with rage! “I don’t know what you expected.”
“I expected them to know what an obvious burst of magical fireworks looks like!” Starlight growled, not realizing just how angry my sister could get!
“Then say that next time.” Maud’s expression dropped the length of a full chocolate bar! Starlight, why’d you have to push her over the edge like that?! I can’t watch!
“Huh? What was that? Maud, did you feel something touch you just now?”
“Sure did,” Maud replied, her anger spent.
“Must’ve been a bug or something,” Starlight shrugged. Now she knows not to mess with my sister! “Anyway, Rainbow Dash and Rarity must know we’re coming now! All units, attack!” Starlight’s horn burst into a dazzling array of pink and purple fireworks, leading the charge as the siege engines fired in perfect unison with the thunderstorm that had just started. Funny coincidence that, huh?
Later That night, Rainbow Dash woke with a harrumph.
“Is everything okay, my love?” Rarity murmured as she yawned, rubbing her eyes.
“I’m fine,” Dash let out an annoyed grunt, kicking off the bed covers. “It’s this stupid thunderstorm. I can’t sleep with all this noise!”
“My Lord!” Fluttershy burst through the bedroom door, yelling her lungs out. “We’re under attack! We—” She stopped mid-sentence, averting her gaze and turning bright red yet again. She’s doing that a lot in this story, huh? “Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry!”
Rainbow Dash gave her a blank stare. “For what?”
“That I didn't knock first!” She cringed from behind her wings. “I didn’t realize you slept naked!”
“Huh?” Dash looked down across her bare body. For shame, Rainbow Dash! Such lewd behaviour! “But I’m always… ugh, y’know what, never mind.” She hopped out of bed and opened the closet, pulling on her fluffy blue cloak along with her crown. “There, is that better?”
“Much,” Fluttershy chuckled awkwardly.
“Now, what was that about an attack?”
“It’s your old rival: Starlight Glimmer! She’s returned to take your crown and rule the kingdom for herself!”
“Huh, I don’t remember having an arch-rival.” Dash scratched her head. “Aside from maybe Lightning Dust.”
“Um, Rainbow Dash, darling,” Rarity cleared her throat. “I don’t think it’s wise to speculate on who is attacking, so much as being under attack!”
“Huh, I guess you’re right!” Dash bumped her front hooves together. “Fluttershy, get me my royal sabre!”
“I’m coming too!” Rarity announced as she leapt out of bed. “In case you’ve forgotten, it’s my kingdom as well, so it’s only right we both come to its defence.”
“Sounds like a plan to me!” Dash kissed Rarity on the cheek. “Fluttershy, fetch Rarity her royal rapier as well.”
“O-Okay.” Fluttershy backed out of the door slowly, looking away from the second naked pony she’d seen that day.
The courtyard was in chaos. The castle's outer walls had been blown to pieces, leaving a smouldering rubble in the army's wake. Enemy soldiers stormed through amidst a stream of confetti from my party canon, clashing swords with the guards as flaming arrows rained from the sky!
Big Mac stood strong, facing wave after wave of foes throwing themselves at him. But not a single pony could get past the swing of his great hammer!
What he didn't know was that I had been watching, waiting for the moment he let his guard down. All it took was a single shot from my bow, and down he went! Dead from an arrow to the head!
“Hey, don’t I get any lines in this production?” were his last groaning words before his tragic end! “Ugh, forget y’all. I’m goin’ home.”
I never knew how, but Big Mac was tougher than expected. With a final push, he stood up and staggered away, stage left; surely to meet his inevitable end away from the battle.
“Nope!” His voice echoed on the wind. “I ain’t dyin’, an’ I don’t care what some dusty ol’ history book says!”
Meanwhile, Applejack and Maud fought side by side. The guards were swarming all around them, but they stood firm! Well, Maud stood firm. Applejack rushed down anypony foolish enough to get close, killing a dozen ponies with one blade spin.
Still the guards poured over them! Everywhere Applejack turned, there were more and more throwing themselves at her – some of whom looked remarkably like the ponies she just killed.
“There’s just no end to ‘em!” Applejack strained, hooves shaking as she blocked another overhead chop. “How ya holdin’ up there, Maud?”
“I can manage,” she said, trying to hide the anxiety in her voice. By the look of her war face—a three-chocolate bar frown—it was obvious she wasn’t messing around. She held her sword between her teeth, moving her head left and right to block every attack thrown at her. “For the glory of Lord Starlight!”
As the flames rose higher across the courtyard (somehow not put out by the pouring rain), the battle looked to be as good as ours – right until King Rainbow Dash and Queen Rarity arrived!
“Alright, time to even the score!” Dash unsheathed her sword and pointed it at the besiegers. “Ready, my Lady?”
“You know I am, my Lord!”
Sharing a grin, they entered the fray. They fought back to back, in perfect synchronisation with each other as they thrust, parried and guarded.
Rainbow Dash unleashed a flurry of brutal hacks and slashes on any soldier who dared come near, while Rarity’s quicksilver dance was the grace and elegance of a posh pony at the Grand Galloping Gala. Which just so happens to be the perfect description for Rarity!
With a hop, skip and a jump, Rarity landed behind Applejack, taking her down with a single thrust.
“I’ll make you pay for that,” Maud said, but Rarity gave no chances to fight back. Ducking under Maud’s swing, she thrust her rapier into her chest, right through her heart.
“Oh no, I’ve been hit,” she said, coughing up blood. “Cough, cough, oh no, curse you. Now I’m dead.”
“Psst, Maud,” whispered Applejack, clinging to life. “You’re supposed to fall over when ya die.”
“Oh, right.” The world slipped into slow motion (or Maud was just moving slowly, I couldn’t tell) as she fell on her side, life expired.
“No! Maud!” I yelled, shaking a hoof at my sister's murderer. That was Starlight’s cue to burst through the wall – although she could have just walked through the existing hole right next to her. It is pretty big, after all!
She levitated a full five feet off the ground, her horn crackling with magic lightning that exploded off everything it touched. “My time is here at last! Today is the day I take revenge on you, King Rainbow Dash, for everything you ever did to me! You'll pay for throwing me into exile and stealing the throne that is rightfully mine! Now, with the power I hold, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that you can do to stop m—”
Everpony gasped as Rainbow Dash flew straight through Starlight’s magic bubble, killing her with one stab! If only Big Mac were here, he'd know how accurate to history this battle has been.
“Well, even if it's not accurate, it should be. How can anypony be dumb enough to make a huge speech in the middle of a battle?”
“What?!” Starlight snapped, the veins on her neck bulging outwards. “Pinkie, I thought we agreed I’d get a big showdown if I played the villain!”
“Feeling betrayed are we, Starlight?” I cackled, rubbing my hooves together in the evillest way I could manage. Though I still made sure to stay hidden, since I can't be seen yet!
“Ugh, never mind!” Starlight rolled her eyes and looked back at Rainbow Dash. “No! How could you do this! I was supposed to have my revenge! I… was… blech.”
Starlight’s body fell limp, slumping forward on the king's sword. Rainbow Dash shook her off it as she landed next to Rarity. “My love! Are you okay? Did they hurt you?”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Rainbow Dash,” she waved her hoof in dismissal. “I barely broke a sweat. But more importantly, we saved the castle, and the Soothsayer’s prophecy never came true!”
Rainbow Dash glanced around at all the dead bodies and broken pieces of scenery being pushed out of sight. “Yep, we sure did!” she grinned, locking eyes with Rarity. “That was one heck of a battle, huh? Now we can build an even more awesome castle, and with a touch of your magic, it’ll be the most beautiful castle this land has ever seen!”
Rarity giggled and blushed. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, you do so know how to flatter a girl,” she wrapped her front hooves around her. “And when everything is said and done, you will be the coolest king to ever have lived. Now kiss me, my supersonic dashing hero!”
Just as they leaned into a kiss, I burst from the rubble with bow in hoof. “Don’t worry, Starlight, I’ll avenge you!”
“Noooooo!” Rainbow Dash cried, but it was too late. Rarity pushed her away just as I released an arrow, shooting her in the stomach. With a final croak of pain, Rarity fell backwards, her crown tumbling from her head.
“Rarity, my love!” Dash fell to her knees, tears streaming down her face. “How could this happen? The battle was won! Guards, seize the traitor!”
Unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, I was already making my esca—ow, hey! Twilight, Fluttershy, what’re you doing?! That’s now how the story's supposed to go!
Epilogue
The crowd watched on in stunned silence as Twilight and Fluttershy pinned Pinkie to the ground, tying her up with a rope.
“Boo! Kill the traitor!” Cried a green-haired earth pony on the front row, violently shaking her fist. “Off with her head!”
“I don’t believe it,” remarked Doctor Hooves, the brown earth pony next to her. “I lost count of the historical inaccuracies, but this really takes the cake.”
None of this mattered to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. It had been their idea to run a charity stage play for the run-down Canterlot Library, but they never imagined anything like this.
Scootaloo was on the edge of her seat, eyes wide as she peered over stage’s edge. She was shaking like a leaf, yet she couldn’t look away. Sweetie Belle bawled, hooves covering her mouth as she watched the king kneel beside her fallen wife and kissed her on the cheek. Applebloom’s expression was somewhere in between, bitten hoof shavings falling away as the final drama played out.
Then, if only to complicate the continuity, Derpy returned to the stage a full ten minutes after she was supposed to. “I tried to warn you, Rainbow Dash!” she tutted. “But you didn’t listen. And now you beg for your life on your knees and… um… Rainbow Dash?”
If Dash heard her, she didn’t show it. She was too busy kissing Rarity up and down, and though the queen was supposed to be dead, Rarity couldn't stop herself giggling along with her. The two locked lips as Rainbow Dash slid herself on top, her long blue cloak shielding their physical intimacy from the audience.
In response, Derpy just shrugged, deciding to just walk off stage and leave them to it.
“I... er... And so, our tragic tale comes to an end!” Spike announced as he ran onstage to wrap up one of the strangest nights of his life. “The moral of the story: listen to Soothsayers and don’t try to overthrow royalty, good night everypony!”
Any cast members who hadn’t already stormed off joined Spike on stage for the final bow, much to the delighted cheers and applause from the audience – though with the gratuitous display of passion behind him, Spike still rushed to get the curtains closed and leave the two lovebirds to their business.
He only hoped the audience would be as generous with their donations as they were with their applause.
The End