//------------------------------// // 6: Mr. Wells Isn't Feeling So Well // Story: But Wait...There's More! // by McPoodle //------------------------------// But Wait...There’s More! - 6: Mr. Wells Isn't Feeling So Well - “Four more tickets for the show, please,” Twilight said, sliding the bits across the counter to the clerk. “If you’re not sold out, that is.” ‎“Aw, tough luck, Miss...” the gangly colt started saying before looking up, seeing who was before him, and then quickly comparing that to a weathered newspaper photograph pinned to the inside of his booth. “Wait!” he cried as the dejected group started to turn away. “I...I was mistaken.” He pressed a button mounted under the photograph and gestured for an usher to approach. “Ralph, please take these ponies up to the Executive Suite.” ‎The usher in question did a double take so violent that he had to put a hoof to his mouth. “If...if you could follow me, please,” he finally managed to spit out before leading the group up a very narrow flight of stairs. They were passed on the way up by a group of well-dressed and grumpy businessponies going down and out. ‎“Oh, dear,” said Rarity to herself. “I hope we weren’t responsible for their forced expulsion.” ‎At the top of the stairs was a single door, which Ralph held open. “After you, Miss Sparkle,” he said, his head bowed. ‎Twilight raised one eyebrow when the pony said her name. “Thank you, Ralph.” ‎Beyond the door was a wide but not very deep room furnished with comfortable couches, seats and cushions. As they walked through the door, the ponies (and one dragon) saw on either side of them a large variety of food-preparation equipment, including a complete soda shop setup. ‎The most obvious feature of the room was the far wall, which wasn’t a wall at all but rather a window looking down on the studio audience and a stage with music stands and microphones for use of the voice actors. On one side of the stage was a piano, and on the other was a table covered and surrounded with a multitude of strange equipment. The lone pony on the stage was very carefully inspecting this equipment, frequently changing their arrangement. There were large, currently unlit signs located on either end of the stage, to prompt the audience to applaud, laugh, say “awww” at something cute, or to stop telekinetically lobbing tomatoes at the voice actors. ‎The second-most obvious feature of the room was the only pony to inhabit it when Twilight’s company arrived: sitting in a large, throne-like chair in the center of the room was a very rotund unicorn. He was sitting in the chair in the odd way that only Lyra was previously known for. This was probably because if he sat in the chair like a regular pony, his legs would be waving rather pathetically in the air. He was tan in color, with a dark brown mane. Etheric actors wear minimal bits of costume during public recording sessions to help them get into character and give the viewing audience something extra—this pony was wearing the short black cloak that identified his character as the Dark King, while still leaving visible the cutie mark of two poles sticking out of two hollow cylinders built of stones. In other words, this was Oars In Wells, legend not only in the world of etheric broadcasting, but in his own mind as well. ‎“Ah, Miss Twilight Sparkle,” the seated unicorn addressed her in a melodic basso voice, making a short bow to her with his head and one foreleg. “We meet at last! I was expecting your curiosity to bring you to my humble studio eventually. And I see you’ve brought your...seven friends with you. How interesting...” He took a special interest in Rarity. ‎“We are just here as spectators, Mr. Wells,” Twilight informed him in a curt voice. “For now.” ‎“Ah, spectators!” Mr. Wells exclaimed. “I could always use more of those.” He pressed a button on his chair. “Ralph, please come up here and run the popcorn machine for our honored guests.” ‎“I’d rather we had our privacy,” Twilight warned him gently. ‎“As you wish.” He pushed the button once again and told Ralph to stay put. With considerable help from his horn’s magic, the etheric producer then gracefully got off of his chair. “Well, I would love to meet you all and answer all of your questions, but I’m afraid I have a show to put on. I’ll be back as soon as it is over and if you’d like, I’ll introduce you to some of the cast and crew that make this little weekly game of ours possible. Until then, I bid you adieu.” ~ ~ ~ ‎The ponies didn’t have any time to share their impressions of the departing Mr. Wells (or their guesses of how he could possibly get down that narrow staircase), because the lights on the sound stage below lit up, and the actors walked to their places, accompanied by the (prompted) applause of the studio audience. The ponies in the Executive Suite quickly took the cue to find someplace comfortable from which to watch the show. Twilight noticed that the sounds being transmitted from the microphones on stage were being played through nondescript speakers mounted in each corner of the room. ‎A stagehoof positioned a large circular flat prop labeled “BOMB” next to the piano, and unwound a thin white rope from the top of the prop across the stage to the other end, where it ended at the hooves of the pony with all the strange equipment. ‎“Alright, everypony,” Rarity addressed the others. “This first part is going to go by fast. What you’ll hear before the characters are introduced are random bits of dialog and sound effects that will be used later in the episode. There will also be one listener-submitted ‘ringer’, added to throw the audience off.” ‎“What’s the pony over there for?” Applejack asked, pointing at the unicorn at the table. ‎“That, dear, is the foley artist. She makes all of the sound effects for the show. Hush, it’s starting!” ~ ~ ~ ‎The pianist was playing a trill in the high register. The guests in the Executive Suite looked in the direction Rarity was pointing, where the horn of Mr. Wells emerged from offstage and used his magic to dramatically light the “fuse”, which slowly and brightly burned across the stage. ‎The piano launched into the first and best-known part of the RIAT theme song: an urgent dynamic bass ostinato: ‎“Dun, dun, DUN-TUN! Dun, dun, DUN-TUN! Dun, dun, DUN-TUN! Dun, dun, DUN-TUN!” ‎This was soon joined by the part that was a little harder to sing, a sinewy, sneaking theme in the upper register: ‎“DO-do-do! DO-do-do! DO-do-do! Do-dat!” ‎Meanwhile, as promised, the actors and foley artist were providing brief clues to the episode to follow, timed to the staccato nature of the music: ‎“You will be coming with me, Miss...” ‎*CRASH* ‎“Thanks to this magnet, Time will now reverse itself!” ‎*SNIP* ‎“I wouldn’t pull that lever, if I were you.” ‎*BLAM* ‎“Only one of us is getting out of this room alive, Agent, and it’s not going to be you!” ‎*PLUNK* ‎“Two Deschaniels? But how?” ‎*WILHELM SCREAM* ‎“Just a few more seconds...” ‎*TICK-TICK-TICK* ‎“That’s not a nun!” ‎*FLUSH* ‎“They used my ringer!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. ‎“The Risking It All Team!” said the on-stage announcer. “Starring Blue Bubbles as the unicorn Shrinking Violet, the Essence of Generosity!” ‎“Don’t worry, I have a plan...I think,” said an azure unicorn in a voice that could be mistaken for Twilight’s older sister’s, if she had one. She was wearing a modest little hat as part of her character. ‎“Starring Quentin as the unicorn Mysterio, the Essence of Magic!” ‎“It’s the perfect disguise!” exclaimed a light blue unicorn, one of the few male actors on stage. He was wearing a magician’s top hat. ‎“Also starring Blue Bubbles as the pegasus Soft Heart, the Essence of Compassion...” ‎“Why don’t you come up and see me sometime,” Blue Bubbles purred seductively, her voice nearly unrecognizable compared to that of Shrinking Violet. Amazingly, she actually sounded like a pegasus to Vinyl, who was usually able to distinguish pegasi from other ponies by a distinctive resonant timbre in their voices. Shrinking Violet’s little hat had been replaced by a large sun hat to cover her horn, as part of her transformation. ‎“...Lemon Meringue as the earth pony Fidelia, the Essence of Honesty...” ‎“This is all very illogical, Miss Violet,” said the serious voice of the light-yellow pony wearing a white lab coat. “Also, I should have that atom split for you by next Tuesday.” ‎“...Freezer as the dragon Spoke, the Essence of Loyalty...” ‎“I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick butt, and I’m all out of bubble gum!” exclaimed a light blue unicorn in a gruff voice, a prop cigar clamped between his teeth. ‎“...and Lemon Meringue as the griffon Wild Card, the Essence of Laughter!” ‎The music and sound effects suddenly cut out as a spotlight shone on Lemon Meringue, a red and black cap pulled tightly over the top of her head and a mad swirl in her eyes. “Did you ever think,” she observed about the world at large, “that to the nuts inside, the peanut is like their whole universe? I mean they could fall in love and never be together because the shell separates them. So close, but their cruel prison—the shell—keeps them apart. It’s so sad! How they must hate their cruel master, The Shell, uncaring despoiler of legume romance! And then one day, they’re free! And it’s like, ‘let’s dance, you hot salty nut!’” She shoved a handful of peanuts into her mouth and ate them... ‎“...Like Light eating a potato chip!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. ‎The piano suddenly cut back in, bringing the theme song to a climax as the burning of the fuse reached the prop bomb. This caused it to topple over, revealing a card that read “Risking It All!” ‎The audience applauded wildly. ‎“The Risking It All Team is sponsored by the Poul Mason Whinery,” said the announcer. ‎Oars In Wells stepped out on stage and took his place before an unused microphone. “Everypony knows that a griffon, when in the proper mood, makes for the finest whiner in all of Equestria. Well my friend, the unicorn Poul Mason, was certain he could produce a whine to rival that of any griffon, and after years of effort, he finally succeeded. He begins each batch with only the finest sour grapes...” ‎Rarity used her magic to find the volume controls for the speakers and turned them down. “There. He’ll be going on like that for several minutes. Well, what do you think so far?” ‎“Hold on,” Twilight said with one hoof raised, as she performed her own magical examination of the room. “As I thought,” she concluded after a few seconds. “There, we should be able to talk freely now—if Mr. Wells or one of his ponies is listening in, there are now listening to an entirely different conversation.” ‎“He had this room bugged?” asked Pinkie Pie. “How rude!” ‎“Well?” Rarity prompted Twilight. ‎“Well, you were right, Rarity. He did manage to get everything possible wrong about us. He didn’t even make me the Element of Magic—how could he mess that up?” ‎At the back of the room, Vinyl Scratch was silently shaking her head. These ponies actually think that they, and not Princess Celestia, defeated Nightmare Moon, all by themselves! she thought to herself. Maybe Nightmare Moon cast a delusion spell, to get them out of her mane. ‎“Yeah, you ponies all got the short end of the stick in that intro,” observed Spike. “Me, on the other hand, they got completely right!” ‎“Yeah, sure, Spike,” Rainbow said between laughs. “But if you’re an ‘Essence of Harmony’, then I guess one of us ponies just got kicked to the curb.” ‎“That would be me,” admitted Rarity. “Mr. Wells and I were already acquainted, and he just couldn’t imagine me as a spy. He does have a doppelganger of me show up in a few episodes, as a helpless damsel in distress!” She seemed to be amused rather than upset that the etheric producer had so completely misjudged her. ‎“A damsel in distress—no way!” exclaimed Spike. “I bet you’d make the best spy out of all of us!” ‎“Hmm...perhaps,” mused Rarity. ‎“The rest of you are lucky,” observed Pinkie. “They turned me into a griffon! Although, come to think of it, if I weren’t a pony, I guess I could be OK with being a griffon. You can pull a lot better pranks with claws than with hooves, after all!” ‎“I noticed that the show’s Essence of Magic was a colt,” observed Twilight, quietly. “Why put a colt on the team at all?” ‎“To defy stereotypes,” Rarity explained. “It’s one of Mr. Wells’ specialties. Fidelia, the electromagical genius, is an earth pony instead of a unicorn. Soft Heart, who is the team’s muscle, is a pegasus instead of an earth pony. And Mysterio, the genius actor and master of disguise, is a colt instead of a mare.” ~ ~ ~ ‎By this time the etheric play had already resumed, so Rarity turned up the volume and quickly filled the others in on what they had missed, while Twilight cautiously let drop her spell on the room’s microphones. ‎This episode was about the RIAT sneaking into a Dark Kingdom factory that was gearing up to produce a powerful brain-washing chemical. One by one, each of the quotes from the teaser at the beginning of the episode was used to ratchet up the tension or fool the villains (well, except for the “nun” line, of course). Just as the team was about to successfully sabotage the factory, they were suddenly surrounded by armed guards and forced to surrender. They were brought before a trumped-up court, with the Dark King himself as the judge, charged with all of the actual acts of sabotage they committed throughout the entire season, and then thrown together in a cell after the magical members of the team were neutralized and Spoke and Wild Card’s claws were blunted. As they began what could be their last night before facing a firing squad in the morning, Shrinking Violet came to a grim conclusion: ‎“Somepony in this cell...is a traitor!” ‎“Dun, dun, DUN-TUN! Dun, dun, DUN-TUN!...” ‎“Wow!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “Talk about a cliffhanger! Rarity, this show is even better than you made it out to be!” ‎“I know!” she squealed before controlling herself. “Of course, Mr. Wells has himself quite a challenge to get his characters out of this mess on Monday night.” ‎“Oh, I think I have something sufficiently clever in mind,” the large unicorn quipped from the doorway of the Executive Suite. He began to speak directly to Twilight, with a twinkle in his eye so bright Vinyl could hear it in his voice. “I believe I was most remiss with introductions when last we met. I am Mr. Oars In Wells. I say ‘Mister’, because my family, although once noble, no longer owns enough to meet the property requirement for a ‘Sir’ or ‘Your Graciousness’. My family made the mistake of staying with their holdings when all the other nobles moved to Canterlot to join the court of the recently-bereft Princess Celestia an even millennium ago. I finally acted to rectify that mistake by moving to Canterlot about twenty years ago, and I have done what little I can to restore the family’s fallen fortunes. As you have observed, I produce etheric entertainments for a living, if only for the opportunity to broadcast my voice to as many listeners as ponily possible.” ‎Vinyl silently sized him up. He’s always first to point out his own faults, she observed, before anypony has a chance to make a damaging remark. ‎“I also dabble in illusion,” Wells continued. “I’m curious to see what sort of wonders I can pull off, or appear to pull off, without ever having recourse to this rusty horn of mine. Many of my experiments in this line are technomagical in nature, which has occasionally been useful to me in my paying job. The speakers in this room are my own design.” ‎“As are the microphones?” asked Twilight, darkly. ‎“Ah, I should have known better than to have thought somepony of your talents would not have discovered that. Yes, I admit I was listening in a bit. You must know that I am as curious about you and your friends as you are about this yarn I spun from your life. As you may or may not know, I attempted to approach you for permission to broadcast your story for the edification of the public, but I was blocked from the very top of the Equestrian government, if you get my drift.” ‎“I noticed that didn’t stop you,” said Twilight, letting a bit more disapproval into her voice. “And before you ask: no, I am not interested in having you or any other pony dramatize my life story.” ‎Oars In Wells bowed deeply from his front knees. “As you wish, Madame. I completely misrepresented your activities in Ponyville, for which I humbly apologize. Although of course somepony managed to defeat Nightmare Moon, and as I don’t believe it was the Princess, it appears we will never know who operated the Elements of Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, Honesty, Laughter and Magic. As for the Risking It All Team...” ‎Twilight sighed. “You’ve fictionalized it enough that ‘no reasonable pony’ would mistake it for my own life, and as we both know, that gives you the legal right to continue, regardless of my opinion on the subject.” ‎“I would still like that opinion to be a positive one,” said Wells. ‎“Well,” replied Twilight with some hesitation, “perhaps I can give you a more thoughtful opinion after I have heard some more episodes.” ‎“In other words, you’ll get back to me?” ‎“Yes.” ‎“That is enough for me,” said the producer. “I hope this experience has not been a waste of your time. It certainly wasn’t a waste of mine. I got to meet you, for one thing. For another, I learned a most interesting cupcake recipe from whoever was singing during my eloquent Poul Mason spiel.” ‎“Oh is that what we were talking about?” giggled Pinkie Pie. “I’m Pinkie Pie—I work with the Cakes at Sugarcube Corner in Ponyville!” ‎“Ah,” Wells replied, “then I’m sure that your recipe will bring smiles and laughter to the hearts of even the most downtrodden.” ‎It was too faint for any of the other ponies to hear, but Vinyl was quite sure she heard Oars In Wells whisper the word “one” to himself immediately afterwards. ‎“And I’m Applejack—I run Sweet Apple Acres just outside of town. I hope this don’t hurt your feelings or nothin’, but you really ham it up too much as that Dark King character.” ‎“Oh no, Applejack,” Wells replied, “a little honest criticism never did anypony any harm.” “Two,” he added under his breath. ‎“And I’m Rainbow Dash,” the pegasus in question confidently declared, “the greatest flier between here and Cloudsdale. Wait, where are the Wonderbolts touring this week? Stalliongrad? Then yup, that statement stands.” ‎Wells laughed jovially. “Well, then you’ll have to show me some of your tricks sometime, if you’ll let me show you some of mine!” He thought for a bit, and then a bit of sneakiness appeared in his voice. “There’s a little dog that acts as my assistant in the magic show. I call her Lucky. If I ever learn to speak Dog I’ll ask her what her name really is, and then learn what it is she calls me. I’d love to bring her to the etheric shows, as she loves meeting new ponies, but it wouldn’t be right to leave her in a room for an hour while we perform, don’t you think, Miss Dash?” ‎“I should say not!” exclaimed Fluttershy, surprising herself with the level of her indignation. ‎Wells turned his head to face the speaker. “Indeed, that would be a most unkind act, Miss...” ‎“Fluttershy. Just...Fluttershy.” ‎Mr. Wells put down the hoof he had offered in a shake. “And...three,” he added subaudibly. ‎By this point Twilight had figured out his game. “Let me introduce you to my friend Vinyl Scratch. She aims to generously share her great passion for music with all of Celestia, and thanks to her great magical skill, she has been able to translate that passion into her invention, the Trottman personal music player.” ‎“Ah, Miss Scratch,” Mr. Wells said, somewhat confused by this turn of events. “I’ve heard of your invention, and your music.” ‎“Are you a fan?” Vinyl asked innocently. “I’m extremely loyal to my fans.” ‎“Ah, oh, well, perhaps I wouldn’t go that far,” Wells said, his smooth polish wearing very thin. ‎“Oh, go ahead and tell me what kind of music you like,” Vinyl urged him. “Like I always say, ‘honesty is the best policy.’“ ‎“And ‘laughter is the best medicine’?” asked Twilight. ‎“Ah, you heard me say that, too?” asked Vinyl. ‎“Ah, I think I’m coming down with a headache,” Oars In Wells complained. ‎“Oh, but we haven’t finished with the introductions!” Twilight exclaimed. “We’ll finish up with the ponies you already know. First, there’s Rarity. Say ‘eek’, Rarity.” ‎Rarity frowned. “Eek,” she deadpanned. ‎“And this is Spike, my pet dragon and personal assistant.” ‎“‘Sup,” said the diminutive dragon, trying to look cool. ‎Twilight pretended to think. “Let’s see who’s left...oh! There’s me! As you appear to already know, I am Twilight Sparkle, onetime student of Princess Celestia. I live in the library at Ponyville, but in reality I’m on a secret mission from the Princess!” ‎Mr. Wells did a double-take. “Wait...you are? Do you mind sharing that secret with me?” ‎“Oh, nothing’s a secret from you, Mr. Wells,” Twilight replied with a simple grin on her face. “Don’t tell anypony else,” she said, looking both ways and drawing close to the etheric producer to whisper in his ear, “but I was sent by the Queen of the Sun to the tiny, peaceful village of Ponyville...to learn the true value of friendship!” She stepped back and beamed at him. “Isn’t that the best secret ever?” ‎Oars In Wells stepped back in shock, looking wildly from one honest smiling pony to another. “Yes, yes, a very good secret! You have my word that I’ll never tell a soul! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a few last-minute revisions to make to the script for Monday—the plot has gotten way too complicated, even for a genius like myself to follow. Um...feel free to ask Ralph to let you backstage...meet anypony you care to meet, and then have fun back in Ponyville, far, far away from here. I’m...going home now.” ‎Twilight leaned out the door with a crafty smile on her face, watching him stumble down the stairs and out the front door of the building. She turned back to face the others with a grin. “Like they say: honesty is the best policy!” ‎Applejack spent a few moments looking back and forth between Twilight and the empty doorway. “Waitaminute! Did you just trick him?” ‎“I did no such thing!” protested Twilight. “I told him I was sent to Ponyville to learn the true value of friendship! It’s not my fault if he thinks that’s a code phrase meaning ‘I had a complete mental breakdown and was sent to Middle-of-Nowhere Land to knit my brain back together while munching on lilies all day’!” ‎“And how do you know that’s what he thinks?” Dash asked. ‎“Because that’s exactly what I would have thought if anypony told me that exact same thing back before I met all of you!” ‎ Bubbles are probably the most common emblem to be found in cutie marks. It is popularly thought that bubbles are therefore a cutie mark’s way of saying “I have absolutely no idea how to pictorially represent what you just did, so I’ll give you some of these instead!” —from The Equestrian Handbook, 2nd Edition, by M.J.P., Chapter 2 ~ ~ ~ ‎Since Mr. Wells had suggested it, the group went backstage and sought out Blue Bubbles, who had been patiently waiting after the show in hopes that Mr. Wells would keep his promise to introduce them. ‎After another series of introductions, these a bit more heartfelt than before, the group started quizzing the voice actress about her two very different roles in the show. ‎“You know,” Miss Bubbles told the crowd, “when Oars was originally assigning characteristics for the mane characters, he realized that he had a few more characteristics than he had characters. Shrinking Violet, or Twilight-Sparkle-clone, as she was then, was always meant to be the leader, and Soft Heart was to be the strongpony, but he was originally going to make Twilight the seductress! Can you imagine it?” ‎There was a moment of repressed silence, and then the whole group broke out into riotous laughter, save for the mage unicorn herself. ‎“I don’t see what’s so funny,” she complained. ‎“Yes...yes, I’m sure you’re right,” Rarity said, catching her breath. ‎“Noth...nothing funny at all,” said Rainbow. ‎“Why don’t you come up and see me sometime?” beckoned Blue Bubbles, absolutely matching Twilight Sparkle’s voice. ‎It took a full ten minutes for the laughter to die down after that.