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// Leave Her Johnny Leave Her 
// Story: The Inn At The End Of Equestria 
// by Nobodyslament 
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There are very few ways to get on my bad side. You either have to cause trouble without good reason in my inn or wake me up early. That's it, you can do pretty much anything else and I'll forgive and forget. However, if you do both... well I keep a crossbow loaded under the bar for a reason.

And on this, the day of our Lord whenever the hell it is I was awoken from my bed by a small explosion from right outside my inn. I sat up, my Pj's hanging loose while I grumbled. With curses flying from my lips I threw on a shirt and jacket, putting on proper pants and dress shoes. A full suit, because whatever woke me up was in for some serious business. I slammed open my door, and Pupa jumped out of her room. "Mr. Charles! There's a group of pirates outside!" 

I glared at her, not stopping to talk as I went to the bar. First thing I grabbed was my whiskey, taking a solid swig before grabbing my crossbow with my off hand. Thusly prepared for the day, I walked outside to see what the fuss was about. I heard hoofbeats behind me, and they stopped as I opened the door to stare down the breach of a cannon. A loaded one if I didn't miss my guess. I peeked over it, seeing a score of ponies and griffons behind it, with murder in their eyes. I let out a sigh. "Anybody out there got a light?"

There were a few mutters as I pushed the bore up, pointing it towards my roof as I took another swig of whiskey. Upon finally hearing the answer as a negative I rolled my eyes. "Whatever then. Who's the head honcho of the little Mean Girls reunion tour?"

A few more murmurs, these much angrier than before. Finally, a pony with perhaps the most ridiculous hat I have ever seen walked up. "Avast, ye be under assault by the pirates 'o the Sunken Dandy. Surrender your goods and ye shall live another day!"

I looked him over. He was probably an Earth pony with how stocky he was. His hat was distracting though. He came up to maybe my waist, but that hat easily reached eye-level. Feathers and stones littered the tower of overcompensation and I couldn't make myself look away. He spoke up again, this time impatience cutting through his sea-dog accent. "Be ye deaf strange ape? I am the great captain Tallhat, and ye shall deliver your goods before we sack yer inn and do it ourselves."

I could have done many things here., I could have used my silver tongue to try and smooth-talk my way out, or maybe I could have just given them my stuff. Instead, raised my arm, smashing my whiskey bottle over the pirates head with enough force to shatter the bottle.  As the captain sank to the ground I stood tall, remembering an old song and paraphrasing it to fit the occasion. "LISTEN UP YE MEN OF STUPIDITY!" The area fell silent, blowing sand the only thing brave enough to be heard as I walked forward. "You've made three mistakes coming to the Inn at the End of Equestria."

I walked to the corner, seeing a ship moored a little distance away, rowboats sunk into the beach's sand only a few meters south. I tossed the broken bottle to the side and raised a lone finger. "The first was barging around uninvited and waking me up. Such a crime normally results in banishment." I cocked back the crossbow and gestured for the terrified Pupa to walk up to me. "The second was badmouthing me in front of my employee's, such a breach of honor only forgivable after a sound beating."

I cocked back the crossbow, grabbing a long bolt from the built-in quiver. "Light the tip dear, don't be shy." With a crack, the arrow lit aflame, and I took a knee as the pirates stared in horror. "The final error was leaving your ship alone and unguarded. Nobody to keep an eye out for brigands and pirates." I let out a breath and pulled the lever. With a twang, the arrow lept from it's home. The pirate's heads all watched the arc as it embedded itself into the body of the ship, and a small fire began burning. I stood up. "So if I were you, I'd go put that out. And never come back."

They ran off, leaving their captain unconscious in the sand. I watched as the pushed the rowboats out, their frenzied movements sending them seaward. Pupa looked at me. "Er, Mr.Charles? I think they'll come back once they put out their ship."

I nodded, walking back to the inn. "Ah, but if they have no ship they can hardly escape when they do so. Especially if some of them are to water-logged to put u a fight." She looked at me in confusion as I began belting out a shanty. "I thought I heard the old man say, leave her Johnny leave her..." As Pupa's gaze fell to my destination she let out a giggle. With a smile I pulled the cannon out of my doorway, spinning it around and rolling it about to face the pirate ship.

We watched in companionable silence as the rowboats reached their ocean home, and then watched some more as the battled the fire which had grown since their hasty departure. "That'll do it, gimme a sec to aim this thing." I began adjusting the barrel, using complex math and physics to find the perfect angle. "How the fuck do you aim this thing anyway? Fuck it, we're putting the barrel over the sails and saying a prayer. Pupa, light this sucker up!"

With a smile, she lit the fuse, and I watched in anticipation as the cannon let out its furious cry. I swear you could see the ball in midair as it spiraled gracefully in flight. I had apparently aimed low, and the cannonball did not hit the sails as I wanted, instead crashing into the bottom of the hull. It turns out, this was better. Water poured in from the gaping hole, and I thought I could hear the beautiful freakout of the pirates as their ship quickly descended to Davy Jones Locker. I rolled my shoulders, moving back inside. "Pupa, man the bar. I'm going back to sleep."

Pupa looked at the sinking ship. "Okay, what about the captain?"

I stepped over him, grabbing his hat on the way. "I don't care, if he wakes up tell him it's ten bits to stay the night."

Pupa walked in behind me, shutting the door as I made my way upstairs. "Er, sir? Isn't the going rate five bits for a night and a meal?" 

I nodded. "Yep, tell him meals aren't included, and if he wakes me up I'm slapping him with a raw fish until seagulls chase him every time he goes to a port." I went upstairs, banging on Jeffery's door as I passed. As I made my to bed I glanced at a calender. "Why does this shit always happen on tuesdays?"