I grabbed one of my shiny new rags, letting out a content sigh. I'd been here a decade now, and while I didn't feel like I aged a day I could see proof of the passing time. A few ponies had become regulars, dropping in once a month as trade routes became finalized, and I was repeatedly told my inn was a bit too far off the beaten path to be truly successful. I had ignored such slander, stating that never in my life had I seen a successful bar that actually cared about its customers. They would shrug or nod and order their drinks, and the subject was always dropped. I would clean glasses until another pony would call for me, and go back to the grind. My work had been rewarded, and the inn was now rarely empty, though I also never had more than one or two patrons.
Of course, there were also days like today, where the inn was empty with the exception of some soldier sort sleeping upstairs, apparently coming back for vacation from some distant camp. I was doing my normal morning rigmarole, sweeping up the almost nonexistent mess and singing a tune while my broom made lazy circles in the dust and sand that invaded my store. I smiled at the image and began to faux march around the store. "Begone vile cretins! You are not welcome in my humble kingdom!" I began pantomiming a battle as my broom became a blade, striking down such harmful invaders before they could gain a foothold in my home. "En Guarde, I shall strike you invaders down before leaving you in ruin!" I swung the broom wide, pointing it at the door at the exact moment the bell clanged to herald a customer. I glanced at the strange creature that looked shocked to see me in the inn.
I found myself shocked as well. It looked like a pony, but the black chitin and bug-like wings told me it definitely was not a pony. I had seen many creatures in the past decade. From griffins to minotaurs, but this was new. I let out an appreciative whistle at the cracked holes lining the creature's legs. "Damn, you are terrifying to look at." I spun the broom into the crook of my shoulder. "So you buying or just ducking out of the sun for a moment?"
The creature seemed even more surprised at me talking to it, though why that was a shock I didn't know. "Er, I was just looking to escape the heat sir, do you mind?"
I shook my head. "Nah, I'll get you some water to cool down." I moved behind the bar, pulling the large skin I kept cool water in from its hanging spot in the wall. As I poured a glass I kept talking, trying to tease some normal conversation from my newest guest. "So mate, what brings you out this far? Going on some ill-conceived treasure hunt?"
There was a moment of silence as the creature held its tongue, but it loosened when I placed the water in front of him. "No, I am an exile. I was simply wandering."
I nodded. "That's some tough luck friend. What'd you do to get kicked out? If you don't mind me asking of course."
He looked at me as one of his eyes twitched. I think it was the same motion that would raise an eyebrow, but hard chitin doesn't move like smooth skin. He looked me over for a few seconds before a tether of magic shot from his horn. "I questioned the queen of my hive. A greater sin in the hive doesn't exist. For my arrogance, I was cast out."
I nodded, moving to resume my morning chores. "Sounds like your queens a right bitch. Hell, half of my customers question my business. Can't kick them out for it, and sometimes it gives me a good idea anyway."
The creature flinched at my words, looking around as if some FBI team was about to start screaming and charging through the doors. After a moment he relaxed. "She could be... difficult at times. But, she really does have the best interest of the hive in mind."
I shrugged. "Good intentions don't mean dick to dollars if you can't keep the people around you happy." I paused, looking at what was going to be my breakfast. Tasteless meat, grilled to be perhaps even more tasteless. A beautifully devious idea began to bloom, and I smiled. "Yo bug, can you cook?"
He looked offended for a moment, spitting out words of venom and malice that his high-pitched voice made humorous and silly. "I'll have you know I am not a bug. I am a changeling!"
I smiled. "Okay, cool. Can you cook though?"
He rolled his eyes of solid green. "Yes, I was trained to cook with the expectation of infiltration and subterfuge. As useless as it is right now."
I smiled wide. "Then I've got an offer for you. You make me breakfast. I like it and you're my cook. As long as you want you can stick it here and enjoy the bevy of joys that come from working in an inn. Decide to leave and you can head out at any time, sound good?"
He looked at me in confusion. "Did you not hear me when I said I was a changeling?" He raised a hoof to the ceiling. "Bogeymare of Equestria, love parasite, the creature of evil? Any of those ringing bells?"
I scratched my chin, thinking over all he said before shrugging. "But can you cook though?" He let out a sigh, which I took as a victory. "Yeah, just head back to the kitchen and turn the meat into something edible. I don't stock anything that can kill me unless you want to add bleach, so go nuts."
He looked between me and my kitchen. "I haven't even introduced myself yet. How do you know I'm not a wanted criminal?"
I shrugged. "I'm Charles Russo, and I don't care. Now introduce yourself and if you want the job head on back."
He began looking at me with as critical an eye as he could emote without being able to move his face. After a minute he nodded. "I am known as I-3247. And I would appreciate a chance to earn funding for my future life." Without another word, he made his way to the back, and I pumped my fist in victory. No more tasteless cooking if this panned out and a possible employee? This was what some people I knew would call a home run.
I took the barely touched glass of water and dumped it out. I had a purification machine powered by some weird gem, so losing water was hardly a worry for me. I cleaned it out and moved to my next chore, kicking out my late sleepers. With heavy steps, I made my way upstairs. I had barely decorated the inn in the last decade, and the upper halls were no different. Bare wooden walls that were dusted weekly were the only sight one could spot. I made my way to the first room, opening it up to the sleeping pony.
Ponies were adorable when they slept, this was one of those immutable laws of whatever strange world I was on. I'll admit a few years ago that thought might have annoyed me, but I had grown used to my adopted home. I also still had my wonderful sense of mischief. With silent steps I made it right up to the side of the bed, grabbing a spare pillow from its home under the bed. With a warcry to match Attila the hun, I slammed the pillow into the sleeping pony, who let out a strangled cry and rolled away.
I guffawed in laughter as the pony rose from the other side of the bed, a confused wobble showing how off-balance he was. I placed the pillow under the bed. "There's your wakeup call friend. I got a potential cook downstairs if he passes muster I can get him started on breakfast. On the house since I had some fun with you." He let out a tired nod before stumbling to his bag, probably to grab the useless armor all the pony-types wore. I was still wondering why they used such a soft metal, but they were technically a world superpower. I guessed it was the worlds strongest flex. We use fancy, expensive armor because you'll never get close enough to matter anyways type of deal.
I went down the stairs in fine spirits, marking yet another chore of my daily to-do list. It was still early, maybe ten at the latest. That means any caravans wouldn't be showing up for at least another few hours, and lone walk-ins were rare enough that I figured with one already inside I was clear to do whatever I wanted. I moved to the corner and grabbed the only thing I had splurged on in the past decade. A beaten old fiddle, barely kept in tune by amateur fingers with a frayed bow. I could barely play it, but I was slowly improving. Now I felt comfortable playing with a customer or two around, though I would hardly call myself an expert.
I begin to idly saw at the old strings, sending a bastardized jig to the heavens as the inn creaked and the wind blew. I began tapping my foot in rhythm, keeping myself in time with the mystic beat that seemed to flow through the earth itself. Playing an instrument was perhaps the only hobby I could find. I didn't get merchants enough to waste paper writing or drawing, and books were a rarity on the best of days, but besides basic upkeep materials which I bought whenever I could find them, my trusty fiddle was always there for me.
My tune seemed to help the lone guest fully rouse himself, as after a few minutes he stumbled down the steps with a bag in toe. He slung it under a table and sat down, glancing at the menu. He grunted in my general direction. "Think you can get me a salad?"
I nodded. "Sure thing, lemme just see if the new cook passes his little test." I got up, placing the fiddle in its home beside the stone fireplace and making my way to the back. As soon as I opened the door the changeling ran into me, a simple meal grasped in his green magical field. I smiled wide, grabbing the plate. "Let's see how it tastes, huh?" He rubbed his head as I took a bite, and an explosion of actual flavor erupted in my mouth. I wouldn't say it was the greatest thing I'd ever had, but compared to my meager skills it was artisanal. I nodded. "Jobs yours friend. We'll talk pay and like when our customer clears out. If you make him a salad and bring it out I'll take care of the front and drinks."
He peeked around me. "Er, take it out? Do I have to?"
I shrugged. "It would be nice, but if it does bug you when the next merchant drops by I'll get a bell so you can ring it and I'll bring it out. Until then though, you'll at least have to poke your head out so I know your done."
He nodded slowly. "Alright, I can do that. Just, don't let them arrest me or something, okay? There are horror stories about what ponies do to Changelings."
I nodded and grabbed my plate. "If you poison him then make sure he dies after he's cleared my bar, I don't want to deal with hiding a body so close to my business."
I turned about, cradling my new meal with a loving embrace. I sat at the chair across from the guard, using a knife to cut the meat into thin strips. "New cook's better than me, so he'll start your breakfast right now."
He gave a slow nod. "Is a drink with the free breakfast?"
I nodded, finishing off the already dead meat with vicious cuts until all that was left were bite-sized chunks. "Yeah, booze or water?"
He bounced his head back and forth. "Water's probably smarter, got a long walk back to Canterlot. I'm hoping to make it in time for the Summer Sun Celebration." He perked up as I walked off. "Hey, did you know Princess Celestia's actually going out to do it again? First time since the revolution that she's left the palace on official business."
I shook my head, filling a glass and bringing it over to my customer. "Nah, haven't seen her in ages though. If you get a chance then tell her Charles wants her to drop by, I never got to actually talk to her. She just had some whiskey and left."
The guard froze as the drink seemed to stick in place en route to his mouth. "Princess Celestia ate here?"
I nodded. "Yeah, musta been about a decade ago, she was my first customer. We chatted for a bit, talked about some stuff. Thought she was lying about being a princess until I got a letter a few days later." I laughed at the memory. "Man, the guy who delivered it was a total prick, complained at me for not keeping decorum with the princess when I told him I slung back some whiskey with her. I thought he was gonna have a heart attack then and there!"
The guard lowered his cup, staring around the inn as if he had received some great honor. Or maybe he had some gas, I could barely read pony body language that wasn't a pretty obvious analog to human stuff. "Wow, I never would have thought..."
I shrugged. "Doesn't really matter. I keep this place as calm as possible, I don't want a thousand would be rulers coming in thinking I'll do them favors. If you walk through my doors you get treated like every other ass in the world. Which is why I keep ponies coming both ways through. Noone likes a place that plays favorites."
The guard looked at me like I was crazy, but was interrupted by a cough from the back. We both turned to see my newest employee holding a salad in his grip. The guard moved fast, getting up to charge the changeling as soon as his eyes met him. I moved faster, reaching over the table to grab him by his collar. "Hold up partner, that there's my newest employee. So play nice and thank him for your breakfast."
He turned his head, glaring at me. "He's a bucking BUG! Their all just leeches that steal from Equestria like a parasite!"
I tossed him back into his chair. "Look, you can be as racist as you want, but you check that at the door., He hasn't done anything illegal, and he accepted working for me. That means you can either enjoy his wonderful breakfast or walk out that door and try to badmouth my inn to every joe schmo outside." I leaned over my table. "I'll give you the same rule I've given every other creature that entered my home." I pointed to I, gesturing with enthusiasm. "If you want to talk to him then sit down, talk to him, then you can loudly proclaim your hatred and I'll smile and nod."
I walked across the room, patting I on the head and grabbing the plate. I placed it in front of the guard with the utmost professionalism. "So quit being an asshat and eat your food. I'm still comping the cost, so enjoy and then you can complain about whatever imagined crime he did to your buddies."
The guard glared back and forth before sighing. "Whatever, but if I see Celestia she will hear about this!"
I nodded. "Cool, now eat. I'm going to talk shop with my employee so leave whenever. If you want to stay another night it'll cost an apology." I shuffled back to the kitchen, closing the door behind me as the changeling sat there trembling. I moved to the stove, looking it over. "DAMN! Did you actually clean this thing?" I poked the now shining metal surface with a finger, scared it would collapse since I thought the rust and dirt were holding it together. It held firm as I peeked at it like it was a mystical artifact. "I mean, I legit thought it would break if I cleaned it to much, yeah no, you are definitely working for me, I'll give you thirty percent of profits and a roof with meals. Deal?"
The changeling fell to his butt. "But, the guard.."
I waved him off. "I don't have time for assholes. Are you going to track him down and kill him?" He shook his head and I nodded. "Then you're good. Hell, maybe some of your old hivemates might stop by for a night with you here. Doesn't really matter. What do you eat anyway?"
He shuffled from hoof to hoof, the solid clink of chitin on wood sounding. "Er, I eat emotions."
The system has encountered a runtime error.
Charles OS has encountered an idea that sounds too silly to exist, restarting system.
...
...
Restart complete, stupid idea threshold has been significantly lowered.
I let out a breath. "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, and I watched late night television before, so the bar was pretty fucking low." I ran my hand through my dark black hair. "Well, will it kill me if you eat my emotion?" The changeling shook his head. I let out a low whistle. "Okay, okay. Then whatever, just snatch what you need from me or the patrons, just don't hurt anyone and I don't care."
The changeling perked up. "Really?"
I rolled my head. "Look, your weird, this place is weird, and I feel like a wave of weird magical bullshit has finally eaten my last scrap of sanity. I'm just gonna pretend you eat when I'm not looking and not think about the utter clusterfuck my life has become." I made my way upstairs, deciding not to think about the several issues that seemed to have become my life now.