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// What Do You Mean Princess!? 
// Story: The Inn At The End Of Equestria 
// by Nobodyslament 
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My name is Charles Russo, no relation to the film directors. I'm a 24-year-old bartender with a Bachelors degree in philosophy because I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. And that was before the weirdest day of my life where I woke up in the middle of a cave and stumbled upon an inn that I now live in. Of course, that meant next to nothing, as here I am a few days later with the only difference being I have some weird fridge still half-stocked with food and a lone menu that I found a nail for before posting it above the bar. 

So I was still screwed. I had maybe another couple weeks worth of food, no maps, and if the menu's word for money was right, which by the way was bits, Then I had no money. Of all the stupid names for your money, I think bits ranks right up there with marks. Just a meaningless word in my opinion. Sorry, I got distracted. Either way, I had staved off the reaper with free food and drink and busied myself by hoping someone would come by to lead me to the promised land of possible jobs and safety. So, of course, a smile broke my lips as my front door opened, the rusted bell above the door letting out a sad ring.

I turned towards the door, a large winged unicorn staring at me from my post behind the bar where I held a glass I was cleaning. We stared at each other for a moment before I shrugged. I woke up in a cave where I found a golden goblet. This place was either a weird trip or fairy tale central, so the best I can do is roll with it. I gestured to one of the odd seats in my newest establishment. "Come on in, drinks are two bits a glass, me judging you for being a horse is free." She looked at me flabberghasted, but I simply shrugged. "Make your order or don't, I really don't care."

She snubbed her nose up, her solid white fur and ethereal mane catching a wind I couldn't feel. "Do you always treat customers so rudely? I would hardly expect repeat business if you do."

I scoffed, pouring a drink for myself. "Lady, you look like a horse. If you want me to call you something different then tell me, but I don't exactly have a mile-long line leading into the desert. I have, in fact, zero customers. So unless something changes I'll have to pull up stakes soon anyways." I looked over the inn. "Which is a crying shame, this place is rather pretty in its own way."

She paused, looking over the rustic charms of the hand-made walls. Or maybe hoof-made, if talking horses were a thing. She nodded. "Indeed, it does have its charms I suppose. And I am a pony, not a horse."

I shrugged. "Well, I guarantee to remember that if you buy a drink." I shot her a grin. "Guys gotta eat y'know?"

She gave me a half-grin. "Yes, I suppose you do. Fetch me the strongest drink you have," She paused, raising an elegant wing to touch her chin. "And, mayhaps you could sit with me?"

I nodded, grabbing a spare glass and a bottle of whiskey from behind the counter before snaking my way around to a table. I plopped down with an oof and began to set the table. "So, what's your story pony? Out wandering the desert for treasure? Adventuring the world? Or just all sorts of lost and alone?" She leveled an absolutely evil glare at me, which caused me to raise my hands in mock surrender. "Cool it pony, I have no clue who you are or what's going on. Just trying to make friendly conversation." I made note of the bags under her eyes and the slight slouch in her neck. "You look like you need it."

She let out a sigh, and her horn freaking glowed. With a tendril of gold that captured my imagination, she reached out and grasped the glass, downing the shot like a natural. She shook her head as the whiskey began taking its toll. "I apologize, it has been a trying time." She paused, her one eye visible through her mane looking me over with a critical eye. "Do you really not know who I am?"

I shook my head, taking a sip of my drink lightly. "Nope, don't rightly care either way. Everyone got problems, a barkeeps job ain't to judge. Just offer someone who can listen to problems and maybe offer some sage advice." I reached for a pocket before frowning. "Add complaining about a lack of my pipe to that list. I can hardly give the right image to customers if there's no chance they see me smoking outside when they approach."

The pony raised an eyebrow and tapped the table. I poured another glass and she sighed. "I have done something horrible, and I don't know who to talk to about it."

I smiled, this was a familiar situation. Bring me your lost and your damned and I'll profit from their sadness, and maybe help them out in the effort. "I can promise you one thing lady, I got two working ears and all the time in the world. You wanna chat, then your story won't leave these walls."

She gave a smile I'd seen a thousand times on a hundred faces. The smile of the hopeless seeing a thin glimmer of light. "Me and my sister fought. I couldn't stop her from destroying all we had built together and was forced to banish her. I fear I will never see her again."

I shrugged. "That is some shit." Pouring myself another drink I thought of a response. "I'll admit, I don't know too much about family. Never had much of one to speak of, so I'm the blind leading the blind, but I'm pretty sure if she loves you you'll see her again. Nothing stays gone forever, and from all I've seen, family has the tendency to show up whenever its least convenient."

She let out a quiet laugh, snickering as she raised her glass again. "Hear hear, family truly does tend to show themselves whenever it causes the most problems. But I fear this is a bit of a bigger problem." She sank back another drink, not seeming to care about the fact she was going on a quick ride to Drunksville. "I was the one who drove her to her ignoble actions. I fear there is little chance that her return would be one of love and harmony."

I let out a laugh. "Meeting old friends or exes can be the exact same. Best you can hope for is that dream that they'll forgive you. In the words of one of the greatest people from my home. We must learn to live with finite disappointment, but never give up infinite hope." A small sip of my drink followed as I chewed on that little quote. "Hell, despite my lack of customer's I'm still hoping that I'll be able to stay here."

She gave me a soft smile, one that seemed more honest than the sad smiles before. "And what if I said I could help with that?"

I shrugged. "Well, I'm just a lone little worker. Doubt I can offer much in repayment. But if you keep this place open you would have free drinks and a free room until I close up shop." I smiled at my menu on the wall. "Though I'm a pretty awful cook, so if you asked for food I'd probably charge you just to keep you from buying any of it."

Another giggle escaped her white throat and she rose on four legs. "Then I shall help. I will send word when I return home to send a carriage monthly with the supplies for a full month. I shall send them monthly, with the promise that if I enter all goods are paid for."

I smiled wide. "Well if that's your offer then I've got a room upstairs if you want to wait to leave until morning." I stood myself, downing the last of my drink slide down my throat. "Of course, I think the bed was made with shorter ponies in mind, so it might be a little cramped." I then looked a bit closer, noticing her body was pure muscle coated in a thin layer of fat. I stumbled over my words. "Also the bed may collapse, the bed looks a bit rickety..."

The mare let out a shocked gasp. "My dear sir, are you calling me fat?!" I began to stutter, trying to recover from my misstep before a laugh like bells sounded from the mare. "No no, I'm sorry dear innkeeper. You made it all too easy." She flicked her head to the side, allowing me to see both eyes, as well as the thin scar,  peeking out from under her left eye. "But I do have a country to run, so I must be off. If you ever vacation to Equestria proper then hunt down the palace. Tell them Princess Celestia is expecting..." 

She rolled her hoof, prompting me to introduce myself. I gave a jaunty bow, smiling as I swept my arms forward. "I am Lord Charles Russo, Wiseman of the brown bottle, and spirit of spirits." She giggled again and made her way to the door. "Then put the drinks on my tab, if it takes longer than a week I shall return posthaste to settle my bill." 

With that, she left, and I stayed behind smiling like an idiot. "I'm never gonna see that money, am I?" I shrugged and locked the door behind her. With a whistled tune I made it to my room upstairs and chuckled as I opened the door. "Though that's the first time someone pretended to be a princess for a free drink. I don't even mind too much, that combined with her being a magical talking horse meant she probably would have gotten free drinks either way. The novelty alone was worth a few sips of my ambrosia.


***


It was two more days before another living creature approached my lovely little home. Knocks on the front door roused me from my chores. I tossed the broom at the corner and opened the door with a smile, only for a jaunty collection of ponies in a veritable rainbow of colors sat staring at me. All of them looked to me in confusion as I looked back. After a moment of awkward silence, I fell back to my old ways. "So are you here as one party, or am I gonna have to make a million tickets?"

One of the ponies chuckled, and the one up front coughed into his hoof. He was in some gaudy golden armor, but I chose to ignore his poor choice in body armor and turned to him as he spoke. "By the decree of her highness Princess Celestia we have come to grant the being known as Charles Russo, Wiseman of the Brown Bottles, with a month of supplies for as long as he is able to provide a signature."

I looked at the ponies before leaning outside, looking at the wagon filled with booze, food, and a few random odds and ends. I paused a moment before saying the only thing that came to mind. "WAIT! SHE WAS AN ACTUAL PRINCESS?!"