Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1)

by Barrobroadcaster


Rad: No Answer Means Yes

Boba Fett did not have to push or shove the Doctor. The Doctor knew better, fully-aware of the modified heavy blaster rifle aimed directly at his head. Wherever Boba Fett went, the faint smell of smoke and ozone was not far behind; the bounty hunter's weapons were used that often.

"Hi Dan!"

"Hey Doc. Docy... Doctory..."

"Rory?"

"No," Dan shook his head. "Dammit, it doesn't work with Doctor. I miss Nicky."

"Who's Nicky?"

"Enough. Both of you," Visor said. "Now Dan-"

"No," Dan interrupted, "No. No no no no NO. I'm not joining your club- I already told you. If you think torturing or shooting the new lime on the block is going to change my mind, I've got news for you: I don't even know the guy." Dan declared.

"Oh ho ho, no Dan, you misunderstand," Visor said, smiling slightly. "We could very well force you to break into the donkeys' prison for us. There's many ways we could torture you, drug you, threaten you, strap a bomb around your neck, inject you with a poison that only we have the antidote for that would kill you in forty-eight hours if you didn't do what we said. But, we prefer if people working for us operate under their own free will. It's much easier for everyone that way."

Dan folded his arms. "You're asking me to join a discount assassin's guild managed in the back of a goddamn grocery store. You might as well be asking me to join your roleplay group. The sheer amount of fuck I don't give grows by the minute."

"Hmm. Humorous as always, Dan. But part of assassination is motivation," he said slyly. But even though his voice and appearance were that of a stallion, he still had some feminine qualities about him. Who and what Visor was exactly was a mystery, and Dan knew that was intentional.

"You could shoot the Doctor and I still wouldn't help you," Dan informed them.

"Oh no- he's going in place of you. You declined, remember?" Visor asked. "So, if you won't help us, we'll have to send the good Doctor here."

Doctor Whooves looked between Dan, Visor and even Boba Fett holding the gun behind him. "Errm(Britishy um), where am I to be sent, exactly?"

"It doesn't matter- there's no escape from this stupidity."

"As I was saying-"

"Like a big, stupid cloud."

"The Doctor will be the one breaking into the prison," Visor continued. Unlike other villains Dan had encountered, this was perfectly fine with Dan trying to talk over him, it seemed. "He'll be sent in with Mr. Fett watching over him and to assist if anything goes wrong. We'd prefer a more subtle approach, but without your help, having him arrested and imprisoned will be our only option. It might be messy but messes eventually get cleaned up."

"-stupid drain." Yes, Dan continued talking over him. When he was finished, Dan said, "Question."

"Yes?"

"I don't care."

"You're about to."

"Doubtful."

Visor grinned again. "We're going to have the Doctor arrested by the donkeys, that's how he'll get in the prison. Once in, a device on him will hack their security systems and release him and the other prisoners, causing a riot. While that happens, Mr. Fett will be infiltrating the prison and extracting our agents. By the time they realize what happen, the prison will be in chaos and we'll be gone."

Dan paused for a moment. "Not a bad plan, actually."

"Worked for dad," Boba said, making the rare remark.

"Precisely. And it will make your job much harder," Visor said, grinning wider. He looked down his snout at Dan. "You're still planning on breaking in yourself, correct?"

Dan slowly lowered the finger he had raised to his chin. The situation dawned on him. "They'll be in total lockdown. It'll be worse than-"

"Canterlot when you were there, yes," Visor said. "It's taken us a long time to study you, Dan. We must admit, you were a mystery, but everyone has their weakness as you know all too well. Yours is planning... and anything that could possibly interfere with your plans."

Dan brushed it off. "Sso? A prison lockdown is not a big deal. Sure, it might be harder to get around, get through security checkpoints... will probably have to fill out a few more forms... wait a while..." A cold feeling began to spread from the pit of his stomach through his entire body.

"Lines. Full of morons. Morons talking to morons waiting in line to talk to more morons behind desks. Incompetent people behind desks apathetically and tediously reviewing the same things, asking the same questions," Visor continued. Dan's eyes were wide; every word the pony now spoke was like a butter knife scraping along a chalkboard inside Dan's mind. "Redundancy. Bureaucracy. Having to tell five different people the same exact thing, the same exact way and wait for those people to confer with each other to determine that you told them all the exact same thing, the exact same way."

"No..."

"People that came in AFTER you being treated and even leaving before you're even served."

"No!" Dan screamed. "No, stop!"

"Metal detectors that people have to go through three times because they forgot something in their back pocket!"

"NO!"

"And a take-a-number system... that isn't called in order."

Dan fell to his knees. "NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Hands outstretched, not in fists but in fingers reaching to the sky, grasping desperately for an answer out of reach, shaking in helpless fear as it soars somewhere over him, like the plane he fell out of, as the flight attendant smiles back at him, "Remain seated, sir."

"Yes, Dan," Visor said, walking over to him as he cowered in a fetal position. He leaned over and whispered in his ear, "It's like the DMV, the airlines and one of those fancy restaurants you hate all wrapped into one. That's why it's prison, Dan- it's the worst out of all of them. Worse than hell on Earth, Dan. Why else would the gate to Tartarus be there? It's hell on Equestria."

"That is the either the worst argument for prison reform ever or quite possibly the best," the Doctor said. His hooves were still raised but Boba had to nod in agreement.

"Stop it... stop it, please. Alright, I'll do it," Dan finally conceded.

"I thought you might."

Dan shot up almost instantly and brushed himself off, seemingly over the episode just as quickly. "Right, so which nut do you want picked out of the nuthouse?"

"You don't need to know," Visor said. The pony handed him a calculator. Or rather, a device designed to look like a calculator. "The Donquestrian security set up is similar to the one you had installed on the library, meaning it's a closed system. Attach that device to any security terminal and we'll be able to slice in via remote. That should be easy if the donkeys trust you."

Dan looked at the small, flat, rectangular object. "All this because you want me to plant a bug? That's what this is- a bug. You want me to plant a bug, that's it. That's really all there is?"

"Yes," Visor answered. "You're best-suited for the job."

The human thought about snapping the square piece of plastic in half, but pocketed it. "Fine."

"Wait a minute," Doctor Whooves said, "So you're saying you'd rather me be tortured or shot or stabbed than you be mildly inconvenienced?"

Dan thought, then answered simply, "Yeah."

Whooves lowered his hooves. "You're fine with people being hurt or even killed... so long as you're not annoyed?"

Dan thought again. "You're probably not going to like the answer to that question, Doctor."

"You are- you are just the... well," he looked down at Dan's shirt. "Well, you're a jerk."

"That's not something I really try to hide now, is it?" Dan asked. "Now now, Doc, it's nothing personal."

The Doctor shook his head. "You'd let your own FRIENDS get shot?"

Dan shrugged. "Friends, family, the environment. If it comes down between an endangered species and being stuck in traffic, well, gas ain't cheap."

"I'M the last of my entire race!" the Doctor exclaimed, pointing at himself with both hooves. "Depending on who you talk to."

Dan shrugged again. "It's nothing personal."

The Doctor rubbed his temples. "Correction: You are a MASSIVE jerk."

"Thank you, Doctor. Let's get this over with," Dan said, heading towards the door.

"Mr. Fett will escort you both out," Visor said, sitting back down again. "We'll be seeing you."

"Seeing you soon?" Whooves asked.

"Seeing you always," Visor answered. The bounty hunter walked both of them out, still treating them a little more as hostile rather than compliant. Dan didn't blame them. The Doctor, being himself, kept his hooves raised as he walked but Dan did did not.

Before they left, Dan turned back to Visor. "One last question."

"Yes?"

"The pony that tried to assassinate Vice... or, Rice, a thousand years ago. Princess Quartz?"

"What about her?" Visor asked, eyebrow raised very slightly.

"The train accident... the one that killed his son," Dan continued. "Did the Geno-whatever guys have something to do with that?"

Visor smiled, but didn't answer. Instead, he said, "Be seeing you, Dan."

Dan's face went blank. He slowly turned around and allowed Boba Fett to escort him and the Doctor out. He knew better than anyone that no answer wasn't good at all. Usually, almost always, no answer means yes. It did this time. They left without another sound.

Visor took a moment to wipe his muzzle. He even wiped underneath it, the mare part of her. Like the Director, she was more mare than her other personas but there were many parts to her. What was undeniable about Visor was that she was a pony that was not to be underestimated. Kind of like her own changeling, except with a different kind of talent for changing, one even Chrys would be surprised with. Of course, there were still many surprises left in all three of them.

Tetran Cowall, aka Cobalt the ace actor, stepped up to Visor's side as if he had appeared from nowhere. He said nothing.

Visor stood up. "Deploy everyone. This is going to be more difficult than we thought. I trust you're ready for your performance?"

Cobalt smiled. "Naturally."

"Good. Go to Fett's ship when you're done." That was the extent of their conversation. They also departed the building, taking a different route to avoid Dan and the Doctor. They left a small, blinking cylinder, another object disguised as something that it was. The cylinder blinked and transmitted a signal, one that could only be received by one source. That source, high above Equestria, targeted the building.