Dagmire waited patiently for some bread bowls to be made. Tonight was going to be a good one as for once his plan went pass “fuck bitches get riches”. He was going to make some soup for both the ponys and that one griffin coming with her friend. Dagmire was glad that he had found the bakery with ease after confronting the griffin.
“Well it is somewhat unusual to make this but honestly I’m glad you found another use for bread!” The baker said
“Thanks. I’m making soup in them” Dagmire said vaguely
“Ok. So 26 “bread bowls” would come to a total of...28 bits”
Dagmire handed the baker a large gold ingot
“Uh will this work?”
“...”
The baker fainted at the massive amount of riches
“Ok then. I uh guess I’ll take these” Dagmire said while grabbing the bread bowls
Dagmire left the shop and made his way back to the bar cautiously as to not drop the edible bowls. After entering the bar Dagmire went over to the fireplace and began setting up his cooking stations: one for the meat and one for the plants. Normally Dagmire throws it all into the same pot and serves it as such but he was hesitant to sell meat to some of the ponys due to Gilda’s earlier reaction.
Dagmire threw in some spices and such while juggling ingredients. Eventually it was time to actually begin cooking so Dagmire went into the cellar through the trapdoor behind the bar and collected some chicken and hydra meat as well as a few fruits and vegetables.
Dagmire added the ingredients to the pots and eventually after half an hour the liquid inside both pots had turned into thick rich broth. Dagmire began cleaning the stage and preparing for the incoming hoard of customers and their friends. Clearance re-entered the bar and slapped down a few bottles and plates onto the bar
“Hey Dagmire we got someone in town who brews!”
“Great! What’s her name and what’s her price?”
“Berry punch or something? I uh kinda forgot” Clearance said while unintentionally and unknowingly mimicking the authors poor knowledge of the show
“Well alrighty then. Just don’t forget about recruiting her if we can”
“Alright...soup?”
“Yep. And this time I promise that no one will die from joy.” Dagmire said while looking over the plaque of the poor souls who had been enlightened and invited to the heavens by the dish
“I never even knew it was possible at first. It wasn’t poisonous or bad. They just sort of reached a point where their poor little bodies couldn’t handle anymore- oh gods I think they literally drowned themselves in it” Clearance said in realization
“This will be different! We got bread bowls”
“How”
“Went to the ba-“
“No, how will bread bowls help?”
“They aren’t stale and can’t hold more than two servings of soup before they leak”
“Ah. Nice”
“Yep. So let’s get going before these can kill somebody”
“Alrighty then!” Clearance said pumping himself up.
Dagmire went back to gently sweeping off the stage as Clearance awkwardly stood in the room.
“So uh...I guess I’ll go?”
“Yeah you can have fun while I clean up.”
“Ok. I’m going to see what pinkie is up to”
“See you later.”
Clearance left as Dagmire finished up the stage. An hour passed and Dagmire flipped the sign that notified customers that the bar was open. Another hour passed with no customers. Dagmire was a bit concerned when eventually the moon once again took to the skyline and still no one was in the bar. The bar was empty and Dagmire was a bit upset about the lack of customers when suddenly he heard something wrong. The sounds of someone uncontrollably sobbing filled the air around the bar and Dagmire went outside to investigate. It was Gilda casually defying physics and using a cloud like a trauma couch as she cried. Dagmire feeling sorry for the griffin decided to send the grief stricken griffin a gift.
Gilda was simply laying there on a cloud emotionaly exposed and vulnerable as she sobbed. It went against everything she knew about her pride to do this yet she simply couldn’t control herself. Many little droplets of sorrow fell from her eyes as she wept over the loss of her best friend. Years of trust ruined in a single night. Something had risen up beside her and eventually she managed to see exactly what it was.
It was a little bowl of soup tied to a red balloon. Gilda wiped the tears from her eyes and looked down from her cloud and spotted Dagmire simply looking up at her (she tried to ignore the three other bowls of spilt soup that were on the ground. Hey it’s hard to get soup to high places ok!) and she briefly forgot about her ongoing depression as she opened the lid of the soup and was hit by a Savory aroma of high end meat and 13 herbs and spices. She lowered herself down to Dagmire’s level while keeping her composure. He simply entered the bar and beckoned her to come inside.
As Gilda entered the bar a sense of unease washed over her until she found that besides Dagmire behind the bar there was nopony present within the bar.
“Have a seat. You look like you’re having a rough night.” Dagmire said
“...”
Gilda simply remained silent as she sat with her head down
“Ok. Uh I’m going to have a drink. I’ll get you one also.” Dagmire said while reaching under the counter for the whiskey. Dagmire poured a shot into a glass before putting the shot back under the table And draining the bottle himself.
“...ah buck it. Gimme one of those” Gilda said
Dagmire complies and the two share a few drinks
-three bottles of whiskey later...
“-And so our rogue. The crazy motherfucker went up to the gaurd and while he was still turned into a horse and said “no one will ever believe you” as he grabbed the loot with his teeth, our wizard teleported him out of there and the gaurd just stood there in utter confusion!” Dagmire finished
“That’s crazy!”
“Yep! There was also this one time-“
-eight bottles of whiskey later...
“-And tttthats why I told uuuuuuhhhhh what’s-her-tits to go fuck a tree ifffff she likes nature so alot” Dagmire said intelligently
Gilda laughed and listened as the jester once again began another tall tale
-thirty bottles of rum all over the wall (and floor) later
“-the uh eight traits of humanity are literally just fight, friend, and fuck. It’s all we do. Seriously! Some guy literally fucked a dragon. It worked. Now we got some crazy guys who can breathe-use fire and shit. Literally all magic from my world was created because everyone just couldn’t stop fucking magical creatures! Itsh an epppedemmimick-epidemic! That’s the word!” Dagmire explaind
“Who wouldn’t wanna fuck a dragon?” Gilda said with a slur
“I’st never said it was a not-good epedmehaw” Dagmire preached
“Shhhhow what are you?!” Gilda scream-
asked
“Dragonborn? Magic Alpaca? Human? I’m told one o mah ancestories was some guy named Smaug or somethn”
“Eh closhe enughf”
Gilda flew to the bedroom and Dagmire hobbled after her.
Outcome? Train go boom
-half an hour later
Clearance finally returned from the party and began talking to himself
“That was nice. Got rid of a bully and got to party..?”
Clearance heard the sound of floorboards creaking
“Didn’t Dagmire say something about what that means? Something about human mating rituals? What was it called...sex! That’s the one!” Clearance exclaimed
Clearance also rememberd how private and intimate the rituals usually were so Clearance flipped the sign and opted to simply sleep downstairs on the couch out of respect for his friend.
The hangover will be legendary