Oh no. I double check the newspaper - maybe I misinterpreted the photo? Nope. That’s definitely Celestia. And she’s definitely eating cake. Oh no. She loves cake. And that means she doesn’t love me!
I glare at the newspaper with the intensity of Celestia’s glorious sun. The newspaper doesn’t catch on fire.
“Uhh, Twilight, is there something wrong? You look kinda odd,” Spike says.
“There’s nothing wrong! It’s just that somepony doesn’t love somepony that loves them dearly in spite of everything that that somepony has done for them!” I say, tearing the newspaper up with every emphasized word.
“Rarity doesn’t love me?” asks Spike.
“No, she’s only using you for gem hunting and she actually thinks you’re annoying, but that’s not relevant, BECAUSE CELESTIA LOVES CAKE!” I breathe in and out - after all, I can’t win the Princess’ love without oxygen!
Spike cries and mutters something about Rarity.
“What was that Spike? Oh Spike, I know it’s awful that Celestia doesn’t love me, and I’m glad that you understand me, like a good friend. But don’t worry - I have a plan!”
I run out the door and head towards Sugarcube Corner. I see Pinkie at the counter.
“Oh my gosh! Twilight! The super-smartest-bestest pony in Ponyville! What can your Auntie Pinkie do for you today! Because you look super-duper today, like a chimney cherry changa except more delicious because you’re really sweet and awesome-”
I stick a hoof in her mouth. She licks it.
“Eww! Pinkie! I need you to bake a cake!” I yell, removing my hoof. Pinkie leans over the counter.
“What kind of cake,” she asks, fluttering her eyebrows, “vanilla cake, coconut cake, or strawberry cake? Because I bet you would really love the strawberry cake - it’s delicious and full of sugar and Pinkie! And then we’ll be bestest friends forever like me and Dashie except you won't run off and make me cry and then my heart wouldn’t be broken so I wouldn’t move onto the next most popular ship for me!”
Is it just me or is she acting more like Pinkie than usual? Agh, don’t have time for that when I have a minor deity to seduce!
“Angel Fly cake - and I need you to bake me in it!” I say. Pinkie hops towards the refrigerator.
“I have just the cake for you!” She grabs a mouth-watering, pony-sized cake out of the fridge, pulls out a ladder and lifts up the top.
“Perfect! And then you need to send it to Celestia so she will love me forever and ever,” I say.
Pinkie’s mane deflates. She frowns for a second, shakes her head, and returns to her normal self. “Okie dokie, artichokie, anything for you, Twilight.”
I climb into the cake and she closes the lid. I feel the cake move. “Uhh, Pinkie... Just how exactly are you going to send me to Celestia?”
“Oh that’s simple silly - I’ll just use my PARTY CANNON!”
Oh horseapples. I hear a bang and then the cake is flying.
“AAAAHHHHHH!” I scream as I descend towards the ground. The cake hits the ground and I’m covered in frosting.
Great. Just great. Hopefully Celestia finds me.
“Oh look! A cake! How convenient,” I hear, “good thing Celly isn’t here to eat it!”
Oh no! Luna!
“This cake is most scrumptious and we thank our subjects for providing it to us instead of it being from another one of Celestia’s lovers,” Luna says, giggling.
“Ahem,” says a new, beautiful voice - Celestia! I sigh, enjoying every second of Princess Celestia’s voice. “I believe that is my cake!”
“Not any longer,” Luna says, “For we are... NIGHTMARE MOONPIE! THIS CAKE WILL BE OURS!”
My cake shakes at her voice and I feel the room grow colder by about 10.2 degrees Celsius. I hear someone trot into the room. “Princess Celestia! Discord is free again! You and Luna need too...”
I hear Celestia sigh and say “Hey Shining Armor, while you’re here, can you get the Elements for me? Luna needs a timeout.”
Looks like another one of these Tuesdays.
“No! Behold, THE ECLIPSE!” Moonpie screams. A shock wave travels through my cake, splashing frosting on my face. Seconds later, cold rushes through my body, as if the Sun itself was blocked off from Equestria. I hear another shock wave and the whistle of something descending.
“Shining Armor - NOW!” yells Celestia. I feel my brother’s shield pass through the cake and expand; I hear a twack as something hits the shield and Nightmare Moonpie screams.
“Whew,” says the most beautiful mare in the world,”I’m glad that’s over - I mean seriously, can’t a ruler just enjoy some cake without someone attempting a revolution?”
“Shining Armor, wait outside - I have royal business to attend to.” I hear Shining trot out of the room.
“And for you,” she says in a low voice, “I’ve been waiting all day for a delicious cake like yourself! Oh? You want to know who I am? I’m Celestia, ruler of Equestria, owner of the sun. I like long walks on the beach and candle lit dinners under the full moon. Glad to meet you! And you look absolutely delicious today!”
Celestia chuckles. “Not to say that you don’t look delicious every day. Mmm...”
A side of the cake presses on me - finally, Celestia will be mine! “Oh wait, where are my manners?” she asks. Or not.
A cake knife taps my shoulder. “Ow!” I jump out.
“Twilight?” Celestia asks. And the jig is up! Next stop, the moon!
“Umm... Surprise?” I say, blushing.
“What are you doing here?”
I hesitate.
“Long story short,” I say, pausing in what might be the last moments of my life, ”I love you.”
She stares at me for a second and leans over and kisses me.
“Oh Twilight, I love you too! You see, you’re so sweet that I could never imagine you loving me - so I projected my love for you onto cake!”
WHAT?
I stare at her, stunned, my mind scrambled like the unreality outside of the room.
“Well I’m glad that nothing can get between us now,” she says.
“Celestia, I can’t keep the shield up against Discord, Chrysalis AND Nightmare Moonpie! Do something!” my brother yells from the next room. I hear the shield shatter and the cries of the Royal Guard as the enemy runs through the castle.
“Just one last question - how did you get over here?” my true love asks, interrupting my thoughts.
She waits for a response.“Twilight?”
I snap back to reality. “That’s simple - I had Pinkie launch me out of a cannon.”
“But how did you manage to land here?”
“Oh, I’m just aerodynamic like that - I fly through the air pretty well. One might even say that I’m...” Discord hands me some sunglasses. He summons a guitar and starts playing.
I put the sunglasses on. “Pretty fly for a Twilight.”
“YEAAAAA!!!” a white pegasus with small wings screams.