For a period of time, the patients of Ponyville hospital were so terrified, any of them with constipation were instantly cured. Why, one might ask? Well, it might have to do with the blast beat drums, drop-tuned guitars, and vocals straight from Tartarus. One such passage of lyrics delivered in the disgusting style included...
"It wouldn't be a problem to initiate the process of elimination of a planet and the fucking hypocrites it breeds!" *
And even with the loud cacophony going on, Anon was sleeping. It seemed like he was dead to the world, and his mouth was curled in a small grin. Not only was he happy to catch up on much-needed sleep, but he trolled the entire hospital while doing so! It's a perfect plan!
It was good that somepony was happy, because nopony else was.
Anon's body twitched before his mouth opened in a yawn. His good hooves stretched out, and he could feel the blood beginning to course through his body to wake up. "Mmm..." Days like this were good to wake up to.
"Are you done with that fucking music?!"
"NOPE!" He yelled, cheery as ever.
Yup, VERY good to wake up to.
Even though a curtain separated Anon and his "roommate", they had been going back and forth since the first record was put on about a week ago. After "Labyrinth", the constant bickering started and had no end in sight. Redheart, while having her own opinions and all that fun shit, had obliged to put on, and even seemed to tolerate, the music. During some breakdowns, Anon swore she was lightly bobbing her head to the beat. She handled it better than the pussy next door.
"Put something else on! Anything other than this shit!"
"I DID! 'WINGS OF SATURN' WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH?!"
"No! Not good!"
"Anon, how are you feeling?" Speaking of Redheart, she appeared next to the bedside.
"I'm fantastic!"
Redheart chuckled. "Are you fantastic enough for a mobility test to see how you're doing?"
"Sure."
After stretching his leg in different directions to differing levels of comfort, Redheart looked at her paper with the numbers. "Well, overall, you show a 666% improvement rate."
"That doesn't sound right."
"Oh. It's 66%. Basically, you're good to leave."
"Really?" Anon felt a bit sad. Who would he argue with once a day? There was something going on with the mystery pony beyond the curtain! Even still, he steeled his resolve and started to move, inching to the edge. "Shit. And here, I've had the best sleep in a while! But duty calls!" If Anon paid attention to where he was instead of talking, what happened next could have been avoided.
He fell out of the bed, and simultaneously, Redheart reached her hoof out to try and... somehow help. The ultimate result was Anon laying in a heap on the ground, with one of Redheart's hoofs outstretched, touching his no-no spot. There was a moment of silence.
"I guess BOOTY calls, huh?" Why would Redheart make such a bad joke at an awkward time? Eh. Plot convenience.
One of Anon's back legs shot out and hit Redheart's schnoz, even from his position on the ground. Good thing they were already at the hospital; Redheart needed a triple bypass surgery! ...Actually, something like nose plugs might work after setting the bones back into place. But with her slumped form against the wall, she wouldn't be going anywhere soon.
'It's ironic, huh? Head medical pony injured at hospital. Oh, was that a squirrel?!' Not giving much of a fuck, Anon left the room, leaving his previous life, and the record, behind.
***
"So where's my massage?"
Right after exiting the doors, and finally feeling the grass and wind after so long, Anon's reprieve didn't last long. He felt ready to murder this thing called Starlight.
"Starlight, if you learn a little thing called patience, I will give you a damn massage!" He was angery. "Now please, leave me alone, baka!"
Now Starlight was not a linguistic expert, but she knew a thing or two. It was enough to know Anon was tsundere enough to call her a baka. She nuzzled into Anon's side. "Anon, you'd better come with me back to Twilight's castle and fulfill your destiny. If you want to live, that is."
"And again, I literally walked out of the hospital doors. Just shut up!"
*POP*
***
Where Anon saw the open space of Ponyville was now crystal. That probably meant...
"...We're in your room, right, Starlight?"
"Yup!"
Anon looked to his right and already saw Starlight on her bed. No, not a bed, a massage table. Her bed was right next to it, though. She was face-down, stomach down. "I'm waiting~." The sing-song in her voice was like a yodel. Anon sighed. Just when life seemed to be looking up, it turned upside-down. But it was a simple enough massage, and where there's smoke, there's firecracker!
The two wooden spoons in his hooves literally appeared from nowhere. Anon agreed to give a massage; nowhere was it said it had to be a good massage. He stood on his hind legs, and firmly grasped them. But, as Anon had a trick up his keister, so did Starlight. And when contact was established...
"OH ANON! It feels so good! I need it! More!"
...Starlight's plan was revealed.
***
After about five minutes of what would be the most awkward massage given in history EVER, Anon walked out of Starlight's room. She was asleep on her bed, gripping her pillow as though it were Anon. Yes, Anon remembered the second part of the deal, so he cuddled Starlight for a bit. No, he didn't like it, what are you insinuating?! But alas, Celestia was throwing curve balls to Anon right now. Outside of the room was Twilight. One of her eyes twitched.
"So, 'Daddy', you think you have better stamina than me?! Better technique?! No one does it to Starlight like I do!"
"Twilight, what in bloody Tartarus is going on?"
"I heard everything. Mm-hmm, yes, EVERY SINGLE thing!"
What is that one saying? From the frying pan into the fire? Anon just jumped into a death trap.
"*Ahem.* Twilight? Please, let me explain my side of the story."
"Yes, enlighten me!"
His rear end plopped on the ground like a badly flipped omelette, and Anon was ready to set things straighter than a circle.
"*inhale* Boi. Starlight is thicker than a bowl of oatmeal, but I don't mess with a mare's mare. You dig?"
"Legit, fam." Twilight had acquired a blunt during Anon's speech, and was ready to be as such. "But Starlight, see, she's like family. Only I can mess with her in that way."
"What? Are you two from Appleloosa?"
*Snap!*
Twilight's head snapped so fast, her disks in her neck cracked.
"...You have five seconds to rectify that statement, or face divine punishment."
"..."
"..."
"...Where did ya come from, where did ya go? Where did ya come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?"
And for the next part, Anon didn't leave as much as he was teleported out, never to return to Twilight's castle.
***
"Well, hopefully, I can get my bed out of this rubble..."
Anon stood at where his old house was, now trash. The only good thing was the bed was indeed intact. The bad thing? Everything else, didn't you notice the word "ONLY"? He raised a hoof to cover his mouth as he coughed.
"Ah, shizzle. I have to hit up my fam from another lamb to get some ham to open this clam."
Little did Anon know, he had no fam to help him out. And that clam was better off unopened, if ya know what I mean.