A pale man entered the bar looking at the large amount of snakes roaming around
“Sorry friend! Uh you might wanna...Wait you want to meet him? Well that’s a first. Alright sir could you please come inside”
The man entered the bar without a word and seemed to be focusing on the snake that requested him
“...”
The man smirked and took out a prisim and let it hit the pale moonlight. Suddenly Dagmire’s bar was full of many strange creatures ranging from men to Minotaur and even small horses as the rainbow light shined upon them. The man went up to the spirit he was called by and lead him to the window. The spirit grew wings and flew off to Dagmire’s surprise. Dagmire’s scythe now had a small carving at the hilt that looked like an X
“What?”
“Use the chaos my friend. It will free you.”
“Oh ok I guess that doesn’t make sense”
“...”
“Well alright then. I uh guess I’ll get to that”
“You will know when it’s time to leave here.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Nope”
The pale man laughed as he himself took flight and left through the window. Suddenly a dark figure appeared at the window.
“We claim this town for the dark lord-“
The black knight was hit by a thrown table
“MARRY HAD A LITTLE LAMB!”
-Dagmire’s bar: 3AM
“Wait. Did you really say that Dagmire?” Twilight asked after hearing his explanation
“Yeah. I’ve say and do some stupid things when I get startled” Dagmire confirmed as he finished his flashback
“So what happened to the town?” Twilight asked
“The dark lord took it until someone blew it up. Nice guy but he had the wrong idea. He managed to kill the dark lord in the explosion but he also killed a few innocents.”
“I see...” Twilight said
“Well that’s all I got. Oh and also I need you to keep quiet about this. Seriously if people get the idea that I’m some sort of god of life and death or something than things will get difficult for everyone.”
“Ok. I cro-“
Clearance put his hand over Twilight’s mouth
“Don’t do that. A regular promise will work...that and if you finish that then pinky will appear again”
“...”
“Just roll with it. Anyway I’m going to bed.” Dagmire said dismissively
Dagmire to Twilight’s confusion began jogging on the spot
“What are you doing?” Twilight asked
“Preparing.”
Twilight looked in confusion at Dagmire until he began screaming and sprinting up the staircase while dogging many obstacles. Eventually he made it to the top of the stair case after kicking a bear that emerged from the wall.
“Ok. Night twilight!” Dagmire said from the top
Twilight stared in disbelief as Dagmire casually walked into another room upstairs
“Eh Just roll with it. Also since your here do you wanna take me up on my offer to show you some of our books?” Clearance asked twilight. Twilight snapped back to reality as Clearance asked the question.
“Yes please” Twilight said.
Clearance led twilight into a back room behind the bar that had a few bookshelves
“Eh it’s not much but I do believe that something in here is useful. Have fun!” Clearance said before shutting the door
Twilight looked at the literature before her and began reading out the titles
“Ok let’s see... how to build a good defence, necromancy for dummy’s, meme stealing 101, Samuel Jackson’s go the fuck to sleep, proper care for your pet snakes, dealing with amnesia, how to get the voices to stop, how to convince your nemesis to “go commit toaster in bathtub”, why Martha took the kids, titanic except the iceberg is actually moby dick, proper scale care... what even are these?” Twilight asked
Twilight looked back at meme stealing 101 and decided to read it. Instead of an actual book coming off the shelf the book tilted down with a large *clank*
Twilight stepped back as the bookshelf descended into the floor revealing a hidden room. Inside of the room was a large table with cranks and knobs on it (talking about the door knobs. Get your mind out of the gutter) and beside the table was a chest with a very strange looking set of armour beside it.
Twilight saw a pole in the corner of the room that led up to a hole in the roof. Thinking nothing of it Twilight began to inspect the armour as it was emitting a magical signal.
She picked it up in her magical grasp and immediately dropped it in surprise as the armour began bending and shifting to fit her aura. Not a moment later Dagmire slid down the pole to inspect the noise.
“Who’s there?” Dagmire said with an unusual air of seriousness
“Hi” Twilight said sheepishly
“Oh. Alright then. Screw it. Fuck it. Might as well show you all my secrets well I’m at it.” Dagmire said with a hint of malice
Dagmire sighed and in a single swift motion put the large armour on twilight. It conformed to her shape and features with ease. Twilight simply watched the armour and after a moment of silence Dagmire spoke.
“Long ago there was a man by the name of-“
Suddenly Dagmire’s eyes flashed and he was sat down in a lawn chair drinking something
“(Sigh) I give up” Dagmire said while quickly tossing the drink that ruined the moment
Dagmire walked over to the table and turned the knobs revealing the table had little figures on it. Dagmire turned the crank and a soft melody began to play from the table
The little figures moved around and eventually even fought some large creatures. Eventually the table flipped to the other side revealing a desolate and barren battlefield with many figures strewn about. Twilight tried not to think about the fact that many of the little figures were missing arms and legs. The little Dagmire on the table was playing a tiny piano that was going across the battlefield due to the slanted land. A little monster struck Dagmire as he flew by and cracked the little figures mask. The music hit a sour note as the cover of the table came back on without warning
“...sorry about that. It was supposed to explain more but it’s been ten years since I got this thing.” Dagmire said calmly
“Explain?” Twilight said in confusion
“Ok fine. After the fight I needed a new eye thanks to that one little guy you saw. Out of everyone only one person actually helped me. Clearance.”
Dagmire removed his mask and pressed one of the keys on his music device. Dagmire’s right eye changed to a much more reptilian version.
“We had a great mage shink down Clearance to appropriate size to do the transplant as a favour for saving the land. The operation was a success and now I have Clearance’s right eye... and he has mine.” Dagmire began
“Wait what? That would never work! Your biology is too different for your body to accept something like that!”
“And yet now my eye flashes whenever the chaos goes off. It doesn’t matter. That’s all I’m explaining for now about my past. Good night.”
Dagmire’s eye flashed again and suddenly Twilight was in a cannon pointed out the window. Dagmire quickly put out the fuse and profusely apologized for it. Dagmire awkwardly let twilight out through the front entrance and closed off the room.
The next morning Dagmire got out of bed and ended up face to face with Stella
“Sooooooo I need a place to stay-“
“Ok. Second verse same as the first. Your room is still open Stella.”
Stella thanked Dagmire before heading off into town for more inspections.
Dagmire got prepared and tactically used his secret room to get downstairs without taking the stairs. Dagmire grabbed his mask on the way out of the secret room.
“Alright! Let’s get some food for the bar!” Dagmire said to himself while leaving the bar.
Dagmire explored Ponyville, searching the town for a restaurant while he satisfied his cravings to look around. Dagmire took the wrong road multiple times to avoid the restaurants and bakery’s so that he could explore even more. Eventually he came upon Fluttershy and a griffin.
The griffin shouted at Fluttershy and she quickly fled. The griffin spotted Dagmire
“And what are you supposed to be?”
“A butcher!”
The griffin looked confused
“Really? Why set up so far from the empire?” She said
“Well probably because it’s a bit hard to “prepare” griffin meat so close to there...course now we are a bit far from home...friend” Dagmire said with a mirthful chuckle and enough malice in his voice to kill a changeling
The griffin took a defensive stance and began sizing up Dagmire. His legs were so thin that she could easily snap them in two...yet were strangely muscular. As she looked over the creature she saw more and more concerning features hidden behind the guise of fragility. At the moment she inspected the mask that seemed to be a zebracin mask that held multiple meanings. Usually used as a type of mateing call but also used to identify someone who is mentally unwell. His mask said “bedroom” but his eyes said genocide. The griffin was suddenly glad she had taken that dumb class about other species’s cultures.
The griffin decided to back off until the creature began laughing
“I’m sorry! I couldn’t resist! Hello I’m Dagmire. And you are?” Dagmire inquired
“...my name is Gilda-“
“Actually I really don’t care. Listen, if you keep acting like an asshole eventually you are going to get yourself killed. So how about we drop the hostility’s and just talk normally.” Dagmire bluntly stated
“Fine. What’s up?”
“Well honestly not much. Also I was only yanking your chain with the whole butcher thing. I am the owner of the debauchery.”
“Wait Really?!” Gilda said with an air of unease
“Yep. Hear of us before?” Dagmire asked
“That’s like the legendary bar everyone talks about!”
Dagmire took the compliment with pride
“Why thank you! Listen. How about I give you a free drink as a peace offering?”
“I think I would like that...could I bring a friend?” Gilda asked
“Sure! We open in two hours or so and close up at nine.”
“Got it. See you then!”
“Later!”
Gilda flew off leaving Dagmire to his thoughts as he left to go get food to prepare for the night.
Now if only he knew who the baker in town was...