"So what are your plans for the weekend, Sunset? You said you've got a long weekend coming up, you doing anything special with the girls?"
Sunset Shimmer leaned back in her chair in Princess Twilight's library and sighed. "Oh. My gosh. There's way too much going on this weekend. Everyone has different plans! Juniper Montage wants a bunch of us to go with her to see the new movie with international action star Damme-Phuc Schitt-Krappe, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie want me to go with them to controversial rap artist Nick Digga's concert, but he's spent so much time on social media defending fallen comedy icon and sexual predator Pudding Pop that I don't really want to pay money to see his show, Twilight and Fluttershy invited me to a violin concerto by convicted serial anal rapist Ben Dover, it's his first performance since his parole last month, and Flash wants me to watch a new porn with him starring popular Neighponese porn star Miso Horny."
Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer, and Trixie stared at Sunset with slack jaws and glazed expressions. "Uhh...come again?" Starlight said blankly.
"I heard a lot of words there, but none of them made any sense," Trixie said.
Sunset snorted and rolled her eyes. "International action star Damme-Phuc Schitt-Krappe, controversial rap artist Nick Digga, convicted serial anal rapist Ben Dover, and popular Neighponese porn star Miso Horny. That covers everyone except Rarity, Spike, Applejack, and Wallflower. Oh, and our world's Trixie."
"I am so lost," Starlight said.
Sunset chuckled sheepishly. "Yeah, I guess it's...a little easier to keep this stuff straight when you deal with it every day," she said. "Okay, breaking it down even more, there's a movie Juniper wants to see, two concerts I'm not really that interested in, and Flash wants to watch a porno with me."
Twilight's wings bristled. "And just why does Flash Sentry want to watch something like that with you?" she demanded.
Sunset recoiled. "Chill, Twilight," she said. "Even if you and Flash were still a thing, if I were dating him again, I'd be stealing him back from you, remember?"
"Ouch, relationship drama," Trixie said. A box of popcorn appeared from seemingly nowhere. "This should be good."
Twilight took a deep breath. "Nono, it's fine, I mean, Flash is just a crush and I'm over him, besides, I..." She ducked her head and glanced quickly at Starlight, then cleared her throat. "I've met somepony...more my speed." A faint blush lit her cheeks. "I just meant...why does Flash want to watch something nasty with you specifically?"
"Oh." Sunset shrugged. "It's his latest not-so-subtle hint he wants to get back together. I mean, I think I accidentally blew off a more heartfelt attempt back at Camp Everfree? So lately he's been doing...things...that are embarrassingly blatant, trying to get me to get back together with him." She chuckled. "It's sweet, sometimes, but I'm just..." She waved a hoof around. "Not interested."
"Well then you should tell him that," Starlight said. "Don't string him along and play with his emotions if you're not gonna commit."
"I don't want to just blueball him," Sunset said. "He's already taken way too much of that between me and both Twilights." She glanced at Twilight, winced, and added, "No offense."
"None taken," Twilight said with a sigh.
"No, I want to find somebody that's right for him," Sunset said. "And get him headed in their direction, so that I won't have to friendzone him again."
"That's...manipulative, sneaky, and brilliant," Trixie said slowly. "I like it."
"And if you don't find somebody who's right for him?" Twilight asked worriedly.
"Oh, I already have somebody in mind," Sunset said. "A couple of somebodies, actually. I'm either going to set him up with Ditzy Doo or Fluttershy. Preferably Ditzy since she knows him better than I do."
"Okay," Twilight said, "but that brings us back around to the porn thing."
Sunset laughed. "Well, popular Neighponese porn star Miso Horny puts out some pretty good porn," she said. "And hey, if it gets me hot and bothered enough, maybe I'll give Flash a little bit of what he wants. Maybe."
Trixie blinked. "You...you'd let a stallion you have no interest in mount you?"
Sunset shrugged. "Sure, if I'm in the mood. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. Heck, even Twilight's screwing the guy she's seeing right now and they both know it won't last past graduation."
Twilight's face burned bright red. "The...the other me is...se-sexually active?"
Sunset rolled her eyes. "She's a teenager, Twilight. And honestly a lot more of a social creature than you are. And, well..." She blushed, playing with her mane. "Smoking hot by human standards. I mean, woof."
Starlight raised an eyebrow. "Oh-ho," she said.
Twilight's eyes shrank to pinpricks. "Oh boy this just got awkward," she said. She looked directly at Sunset, her cheeks flaming. "Y-you mean you're...interested in—m-me? I mean—not-me me?"
Sunset's blush intensified as she ducked her head. "W-well, yeah," she said. "I mean, I'm pretty sure it's mutual? I just don't know. I mean..." She ran a hoof over the tabletop in circles. "So far she's definitely proven she's interested in guys, but I don't know if she's bi. I really, really hope she's bi." She sighed.
"Well if she's not, at least you still have this Twilight," Trixie said.
"HEY!"
"It's...not the same," Sunset said. "I mean, for one thing, our Twilight and Princess Twilight are really different. And, well...our Twilight is—no offense, Twilight—a lot sexier."
"None...taken, I think?"
"Besides...I've been human too long," Sunset said with a shrug. "I'm attracted to humans, I'm planning to spend the rest of my life as a human, so I need to hook up with a full-time, home-grown human, you know?"
"That...makes sense," Starlight said slowly.
"And anyway, I wouldn't want to horn in on anything you two have going," Sunset added with a smirk.
Starlight spluttered. "Wh-what?! We-we're not—!"
"Me and Starlight? No! That's—!" Twilight cried.
Sunset blinked. "Huh? But you said you'd met somepony you liked, who was more your speed, and you kinda did a quick-look at Starlight when you said it, so I just assumed..."
"Oh nononono!" Twilight said, shaking her head rapidly and smiling sheepishly. "I, umm...wasn't thinking about Starlight actually." She poked her hooves together and ducked her head. "I, umm, actually...was thinking about, well...Sunburst."
Five full seconds of silence dropped.
"My brother?!" Sunset cried.
"My Sunburst?" Starlight cried.
"And Trixie is OUT," Trixie said, using a smoke bomb to cover her hasty escape.