Five in the morning wasn't anyone's favorite time to be awake. Least of all in a household with two men who couldn't get back to sleep because of the pained moaning of a teenage girl and the sympathetic meowings of cats and chitterings of various animals. Least of all when it had been going on half the night.
Fluttershy sat up in bed, her face puffy and blotchy, wearing her favorite flannel pajamas with bunnies and kittens on them. Her hair was a tangled, frizzy mess, and her eyes were red with heavy bags. She snuggled a heating pad to her tummy like a newborn babe with one hand while nursing a cup of hot cocoa with the other.
Her mother, Cherry Rose, walked in and sat down in the desk chair, turning it to face her. "Any better?" she asked sympathetically, a pinched grimace on her face.
Fluttershy shook her head and whimpered.
"Oh dear," Cherry said, clucking her tongue. "I used to have some pretty bad cramps when I was your age, but nothing like this." She ran her fingers soothingly through Fluttershy's hair. "Is the Damitol taking the edge off at all?"
Fluttershy snorted. "They should call it Damitol POS."
Cherry laughed softly. She fidgeted with the hem of the loose sweater she'd thrown on over her own nightgown. "Well, there's something I used to use when I had really bad cramps, it's better than Damitol, but..." She bit her lip. "It might make you a little loopy."
Fluttershy winced and pressed the heating pad tighter to her abdomen. "I'll take it," she hissed out.
* * * * *
"Alright, alright, settle down," Cranky Doodle called out grumpily to his second period math class. "We've got a lot to cover today, so let me take roll..." He grumbled his way through the roll book as he looked around the room, marking students present. His eyes landed upon an empty desk, and he frowned. "Fluttershy? Has anybody seen Fluttershy?"
"She wasn't in first period civics," Trixie said.
"Huh, guess she's out today," Cranky mumbled. "Alright, let's—"
The door opened, and a cloud of purple smoke drifted through. All eyes turned to the door. Every jaw in the room dropped.
Something stood in the doorway. Whatever it was, it was more or less Fluttershy-shaped: willowy, with butter-yellow skin and long cherry-blossom pink hair and big, bright blue-green eyes.
But the Fluttershy-shaped anomaly standing in the doorway was wearing bellbottoms, spangled platform sandals, a tie-dyed T-shirt tied off above her midriff, a fringed suede vest, and a suede hairband interwoven with tiny white flowers. Her long hair had multiple thin, beaded braids tied into it, and she wore a pair of small, round sunglasses. A leather peace sign hung on a lanyard around her neck. She leaned in the doorway, swaying back and forth, her eyes roaming over the classroom interior with interest.
Cranky Doodle shook his head in disbelief, blinking his tired old eyes rapidly. "Fluttershy?"
Fluttershy giggled. "Wow, like...wooooooow," she said. She brought a lit cigarette to her mouth and took a deep drag, then exhaled slowly. Purple smoke billowed from her pale yellow lips.
"YOUNG LADY!" Cranky snapped. "What do you think you're doing, smoking on school property! That's against the ru—" His eyes narrowed. "Wait a second. Is that weed?!"
Fluttershy giggled. "Sure is, donkey dude," she crooned. "Wanna puff?"
"Wha—I—NO!" Cranky shot to his feet, pointing a trembling finger at the door. "March yourself RIGHT DOWN to the principal's office this second!"
"Suit yourself," Fluttershy said, turning around and sashaying away, her joint merrily puffing purple smoke clouds in her wake.
"Of all the..." Cranky muttered. He looked out over his students, to see them all engrossed in their phones, furiously texting and tweeting away. "NOW CUT THAT OUT!"
* * * * *
During the mid-morning break, six friends met up in the east lounge by the vending machines. Most of them had worried looks on their faces.
"Has anybody heard from Fluttershy?" Sunset Shimmer asked.
"Not a peep," Rainbow Dash said. "She might have her phone off?"
"Do we...do we know for certain this whole...thing isn't somebody's idea of a sick joke?" Rarity asked. "I mean, Fluttershy was absent first period, and what everyone's saying just...doesn't add up!"
"Yeah, Fluttershy's a lot of things, but she's not a stoner!" Pinkie Pie said. "The hippie thing isn't much of a stretch, but the weed? And at school? That's just not—" She cut off, her nose wrinkling. "Ew, what smells like burning diapers and old lady cooch?"
"Ugh, I'm feeling dizzy all of a sudden," Twilight Sparkle said, clutching her head. Just then, the door to the men's restroom at the end of the hall opened, disgorging a cloud of purple haze. The girls all fanned themselves, coughing and gagging. Sandalwood lurched out into the hall, eyes glazed as he looked around. A yellow-skinned, pink-haired girl in hippie clothes was latched firmly around his neck, giggling as she planted a sloppy kiss on his face before letting him go.
"Righteous," Sandalwood said with a lopsided grin. "Stay groovy, babe!"
"Peace!" Fluttershy spun on one toe, giggling her head off. She took in the six shellshocked faces staring at her and her giggling rose in volume. "Far! OUT! Look at you all! Hi girls!" She untucked a joint from behind her ear. "Isn't this place a trip?"
"FLUTTERSHY?!" six voices cried in unison.
Fluttershy giggled as she fumbled for a lighter. "You girls gotta try this," she said. "I am feeling so mellow right now!" She lit her joint, which emitted a fresh spate of purple haze into the hall as she puffed on it, her eyes glazing over behind her round sunglasses. "And I just have so much love to spread! Come on, girls, spread the love with me!"
"Hard pass," Applejack said, arms folded and eyes narrowed in consternation.
"Suit yourself, Miss Boring...Borangey...Borange!" Fluttershy said, giggling and coughing.
"Fluttershy, sweetness...do please take a moment to sit and get your wits about you," Rarity suggested. "And perhaps stop smoking that incredibly pungent stuff?"
"Yeah, Fluttershy, this is..." Pinkie Pie gestured expansively with her arms. "Freakie-deakie!"
Fluttershy scoffed. "Please," she said. "I haven't felt this calm and relaxed in ages!" She took a long drag, then blew out purple smoke rings and turned on one heel. "Now, if you girls don't mind, I'm gonna—"
"Oh no you ain't!" Applejack thundered, rushing Fluttershy with the intent to bulldog her. Rainbow Dash, having the same idea, moved to cover her other side. Neither of them expected Fluttersy to twirl gracefully out of their way and duck between them, leaving the two girls to crash in a painful, tangled heap as Fluttershy sauntered merrily (and rapidly) away. Sunset nodded to Twilight and Pinkie; the three gave chase while Rarity stayed behind to tend to their fallen friends.
"Fluttershy, WAIT!" Sunset cried.
"How—is—she—faster—than—us—in—those—shoes?!" Twilight panted and puffed.
"She's gaining on us, girls!" Pinkie yelled, pouring on a burst of speed. Fluttershy turned a corner at the next hallway intersection. The three girls rounded the same corner...
Fluttershy was gone.
"Oh...kay..." Sunset drawled.
"How'd she do that?" Pinkie wondered.
"This isn't good," Twilight moaned. "At this rate, Fluttershy's going to get suspended, maybe even expelled, and she'll have a permanent criminal record! What's even worse is that this will look bad on her transcript!"
After shooting Twilight a wry look, Sunset sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Pinkie, go back to the others. Form groups of two, split up, search the school. Twilight, you're with me."
* * * * *
Rainbow and Rarity prowled the halls, phones out and attention split between their feeds and the hall before them. The halls were emptying out around them as students moved off to their next classes. They rounded a corner and collided with Vice-Principal Luna, who frowned mildly at them. "Girls? What are you doing here? Your third period classes are in completely different parts of the school!"
Rarity looked up. "Ever so sorry, Miss Luna," she said primly. "We're attempting to find Fluttershy. She's...she's a bit off color today, and as her good friends, we're very...concerned."
Luna frowned. "Fluttershy? I'd heard she was out sick."
"No, she's here," Rainbow said. "It's just, well...she's not herself right now." Her phone pinged. "Found Sandalwood," she said. "Crap, he's down by the wood shop. I'll text Applejack."
"Sandalwood? I thought you were looking for Fluttershy?" Luna asked.
Rarity coughed delicately. "We last saw Fluttershy in the company of Sandalwood, if you catch my meaning."
Luna's jaw dropped. "Fluttershy was buying weed?!"
"More like getting high with him in the bathroom," Rainbow said. She paused. "Wait, you know Sandalwood sells—"
"Oh please, everyone knows," Luna scoffed. "Celestia's one of his biggest customers." She paused, coughed awkwardly, and averted her gaze. "It's...medicinal," she said unconvincingly.
Rainbow's phone pinged. "Got 'er," she said. "She's...holy crap." Her eyes widened. "Somebody saw her go into the band hall with Soarin!"
"The band hall? But that's empty this period," Luna said. After a moment, she paused. "Oh. Oh."
"Worry not, Vice-Principal Luna, we are on the case!" Rarity declared. The two girls took off for the band hall at top speed.
"You...you do that," Luna said distractedly. "I'm going to go find Sandalwood..."
* * * * *
"Like, I didn't sell her that stuff, brah," Sandalwood said from where he hung upside-down in Twilight's magic. "Whoa, blood's rushing to my brain."
Sunset reached out and touched Sandalwood's forehead. Her eyes flared brilliantly for a few seconds. She staggered back, clutching her head. "DUDE," she duded.
"Sunset! You okay?" Twilight unceremoniously dropped Sandalwood and knelt next to Sunset.
Sunset shook her head like a dog, reaching up to massage her temples. "Lesson learned," she said, "never mind-meld with a stoner. Holy crap."
"Can I like, go now?" Sandalwood asked. "I've got class..."
"Just what were you and Fluttershy doing in that bathroom?" Twilight asked.
Sandalwood shrugged. "Just havin' a love-in, brah. I had no idea Fluttershy was such a righteous chick, y'know?"
"I can taste all the colors," Sunset said vacantly.
Twilight's phone chimed. She checked it and made a yuck face. "AJ just saw her come out of another bathroom with Bulk Biceps. Come on, Sunset! Let's go."
"Just a second, I'm trying to count my fingers," Sunset said. "I get up to thirty and then some of them disappear and I gotta start over..."
Twilight facepalmed.
* * * * *
"Pretty sure Ah saw 'er go this way," Applejack said as they rounded a corner. She almost collided with Apple Bloom, who was running down the adjacent hall with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. "Dagnabbit! Watch yer runnin', Apple Bloom!"
"Sorry, Applejack," Apple Bloom said, juggling the armload of notebooks she was carrying.
"Hey, you girls haven't seen Fluttershy, have you?" Pinkie Pie asked. "We're trying to catch up to her and we think she came this way."
"Fluttershy?" Apple Bloom asked, looking to her friends, who shrugged. "No, why?"
"If'n you do see 'er, shoot me a text, got it?" Applejack said worriedly, craning her neck to look past the younger girls. "We gotta round that gal up afore she goes an' does somethin' we'll all regret."
The CMCs looked at each other in confusion. "Fluttershy? Do something wrong?"
"She showed up at school totally high on weed today," Pinkie Pie said. "We've already caught her coming out of two different boys' rooms with three different boys, and she's been a total gigglebox each time!"
The CMCs shared a wide-eyed look. "Fluttershy?!" Sweetie Belle squeaked.
"Wow, Apple Bloom, sounds like she's gunning for your record!" Scootaloo said in an impressed tone.
"Scootaloo!" Apple Bloom hissed in warning, but it was too late. Applejack's eyebrow rose violently.
"Now whut'n tarnation's that s'posed'ta mean?" Applejack asked in a slow, menacing tone.
"It...means...that we really need to be going now—" Sweetie Belle started as Apple Bloom made to break around Applejack and run for it. Applejack was having none of it; her hand shot out and grabbed onto the back of Apple Bloom's shirt like a vise.
"Apple Bloom," Applejack growled.
Apple Bloom squirmed in place, not meeting her sister's stern gaze. "Okay okay," she complained. "So like, Ah've maybe gone down on a couple of guys?"
"Ooooh!" Pinkie crooned, giggling.
"Quiet you," Applejack snarled. Returning her rattlesnake-like glare to her sister, she ground out. "An' jes' how many is 'a couple'?"
Apple Bloom shifted around guiltily. "Ah dunno," she whined. "Like maybe, y'know, two or three...dozen..."
"Sorry, didn't quite catch that," Applejack growled, twisting her fist in Apple Bloom's shirt.
"OW! OW! Okay, jeez!" Apple Bloom cried, wincing.
"How. Many."
"Like...maybe thirty-six?"
Micro Chips came waltzing out of a classroom at that moment. He spotted the group and gave Apple Bloom a cheery wave and a wink.
"Okay, thirty-seven," Apple Bloom amended.
Applejack stared at her with the eyes of a deer facing an entire convoy of trucks.
"Oh wow, did NOT see that coming," Pinkie said, her hair standing on end.
"It's no big deal," Apple Bloom said with a shrug as she finally managed to slip out of her sister's grasp. "It's jes' a blowjob. It's like sayin' howdy!" She took off down the hall. "Gottagowe'reSUPERlatenowbyeApplejackloveyou!" The other CMCs shot off in her wake, not daring to look back.
Steam began billowing out of Applejack's ears. Pinkie Pie's eyes widened. "Umm...I'm just gonna keep looking for Fluttershy now...yeah..." She headed off in the direction the CMCs had originally come from at a sprint.
A nearby door opened, disgorging Ditzy Doo. She looked at Applejack and frowned, tilting her head. "Is everything okay, Applejack?"
"MAH BABY SISTER SUCKED THIRTY-SEVEN DICKS!" Applejack thundered.
Ditzy blinked. "In a row?"
Applejack stormed off, red-faced and growling, her hat smoldering around the edges.
* * * * *
Lunchtime found the cafeteria in chaos, Granny Smith beside herself, and six frustrated girls staring in disbelief and facepalming.
"You know, we coulda just saved ourselves all that trouble and waited here for her," Rainbow Dash muttered. "I mean, how did none of us think of this?"
Fluttershy had taken over the serving station in the cafeteria and was busy gorging herself on everything in sight, leaving an entire school of hungry, irritable, and irate high schoolers standing in line with empty trays, empty stomachs, confused minds, and grumpy attitudes.
"Darling, please! Think of your figure!" Rarity exclaimed.
"We're ALL thinking of her figure right now," some random guy said. "Those jeans are real hip-huggers." Numerous murmurs of agreement rose from the spectators.
"Oy," Pinkie said, shaking her head. "Come on, girls, we need to get this hot mess outta here before it's too late."
"Oh, it's already too late," Sunset said, looking around at all the phones that were out and recording. "But yeah, we totally need to get her out of here. Any ideas?"
"Uh doi," Rainbow said. "Meet us in the practice room!" With that, she vanished in a rainbow blur, as did Fluttershy. A half-eaten chicken sandwich hung comically in midair for almost a full second before splattering onto the serving counter.
The rest of the girls ploughed their way through the crowd of fellow students, clearing the doors just as Celestia and Luna were coming in. "Girls, what—"
"No time! We've got Fluttershy, we're gonna deal with her!"
"Oh good, because—" Celestia began, but nobody was listening. The girls pelted down the hall toward the practice room. They rounded a corner and immediately skidded to a halt as they found Rainbow Dash lying on her side on the hallway floor, crumpled into a ball, hands clutched to her stomach and a dazed look on her face.
"Rainbow Dash! What happened?" Rarity asked.
"She sucker punched me," Rainbow wheezed. "Then she...she trampled me..." She coughed a few times. "Damn, those heels hurt..."
"Applejack, get Rainbow to the nurse's office," Sunset barked. "Rainbow, which way did she go now?"
"Home...Ec room..."
As Applejack took Rainbow away, the rest of the girls gathered in a loose huddle. "Alright, if she's gone to the Home Ec room, she's probably gonna stay there," Sunset said. "But the whole trampling Rainbow thing bothers me, that's not Fluttershy behavior or stoner behavior."
"Yeah, what's up with that?" Pinkie wondered.
The girls all received a group chat notification at the same time. Looking around in confusion, they pulled out their phones.
Fluttershy's face, pale and puffy and splotchy with bags under her eyes, filled their screens.
//Hey girls,// she said raspily. //I just wanted to check in. I had my phone off all morning and I didn't want anybody to worry.//
"You didn't want us to WORRY?" Sunset cried. "We've been chasing you all over campus all morning while you've been on your little hippie trip!"
"Do you have any idea how this is all going to look on EweTube, darling?"
"And you got poor Apple Bloom in big trouble without even doing anything to her!" Pinkie Pie added.
Fluttershy blinked slowly. //Oh. Kay. Um. What?// she asked raspily. //Girls, I literally just woke up, I've been in bed all day...//
"THERE you all are!"
The girls turned as one to see Princess Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer running up to them, Principal Celestia and Vice-Principal Luna just behind them. The two Equestrians skidded to a halt and bent over to catch their breath.
"Been looking...all over for you...Sunset Shimmer..." Princess Twilight wheezed.
"Twilight? Starlight? What—"
"Girls, we've got a problem!" Starlight said. "We've lost Fluttershy!"
//Um. I'm right here. Also, hello Starlight, and...and pony Twilight...//
"Wow, what is this, Day of the Living Fluttershy?" Pinkie Pie asked. "You've lost a Fluttershy, we've lost a Fluttershy—"
//Still right here, in bed, where I've been all day—//
"What do you mean you lost Fluttershy?" Rarity asked.
Princess Twilight grimaced. "Our Fluttershy, the Fluttershy from Equestria, she was, well..." She coughed. "There was a tea party involved, and a pony named Tree Hugger, and maaaybe some, um...recreational substances..."
And just like that, it all came together in Sunset's head. She groaned. "Your Fluttershy got stoned and jumped through the portal," she said.
//Oh my goodness.//
//Wait, so we've got TWO stoner Fluttershys on the loose?!// Rainbow Dash cried over the group chat.
"No, Rainbow Dash, it's just the one," Sci-Twi said, adjusting her glasses. "Our Fluttershy—oh gee, how do we do this?"
//For the record, I've been in bed all day with cramps,// Fluttershy said. //And I've never, umm...gotten high.//
//Oh, so the one WE'VE been chasing all day is Ponyshy—yeah, I got there,// Rainbow said in understanding.
Sunset sighed. "Well that explains a lot," she said with a relieved chuckle. "Not that it helps with the huge problem Ponyshy's created for our Fluttershy."
"What problem is that?" Starlight asked curiously.
"Aheh..." Sunset coughed. "Let's just say your Fluttershy's had an...interesting time in our world..." She shook her head. "Anyway, we're pretty sure we know where she is now. Let's go get her."
As the group followed Sunset to the Home Ec room, Fluttershy, still on an open group chat, plaintively asked, //What do you mean by 'an interesting time'? Sunset? Sunset Shimmer? Girls? Helloooo...oh my...//