//------------------------------// // The Stoned...ness? // Story: Texas Hold 'em (And Other Various Adventures) With The Humans of Equestria // by Master Lyra //------------------------------// GETTING HIGH WITH THE HUMANS OF EQUESTRIA By Mister Fluttershy (WARNING: THIS CHAPTER MAY CAUSE IMPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA, GONORRHEA, CRABS, AIDS, BRAIN LOSS, MENTAL RETARDATION, FORCED AMNESIA, AND MOMMA LUIGI) “Well that was an interesting poker game.” Everyone in the group sat in a circle in front of the remains of Coal’s house and watched as the remains burned lazily. No one knew where Coal had disappeared to, but the cries of an evil demon lord rang throughout the town. Kyle held a blunt in his left hand and the cat in his lap. “Hey, does anyone have a light?” “Kyle, if you’re going to get baked, go do it somewhere else.” Josh looked at the blunt with disgust. Fiery wordlessly (umad Poodicus?) magically lit up Kyle’s doobie, and Kyle grunted as a thanks. “Hey, by any chance, do you have more?” “Second? I didn’t think you weren’t the type.” “I could use some relaxing. Heck, I’ve been going without it forever now.” “Huh. Yeah I do. Alright, have some.” [20 MINUTES LATER] Everyone but Josh, Author, Kyle Bucy and Connor were fried. Second lazily walked over to Author and leaned on his shoulder. “Have you ever got the feelin’… you’s was being watched?” Second then promptly fell on his face. “Ssssss… ahhhh… ssssss… ahhhh…” Author just looked at Second. He hadn’t used the drug because he was a kill joy, (and because his mom told him not to) but seeing Second like this only reassured his choice. “I’m better than drugs!” Author announced confidently. Kyle Bucy came up from behind Author and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Hey… this stuff ain’t that great… I have some better stuff…” “Huh? Nah, I’m not interested.” “No… it’s a mushroom… you don’t smoke it. It’s only found in Equestria.” Author thought about it long and hard. (If you know what I mean) “Hmm… okay! Seems legit!” [5 MINUTES LATER] “Dude… nothing’s happening! This sucks!” Author walks off in the direction of the town, leaving a stoned Kyle Bucy behind. Gravel skirted out under his Sketchers as he dejectedly kicked the ground. Today sucks! I lose the poker game, and then this thing doesn’t work! Even the floating pink ponies are frowning at me! [EVERYONE ELSE] Most the humans sat in a circle, enjoying themselves. Josh and Connor looked at all of their high friends. “Hey Connor, I’m curious. Why didn’t you partake-“ “I’m not interested, actually. I don’t need drugs to be happy. I use my own emotions and philosophies to keep myself going. Even on days that seem grim, I just think about the ones I love and that always makes me happy and prepared for each bright and happy day. Even after I found out that the world was gone, I kept myself going. Plus, I think drugs are harmful and are a horrible substitute for an otherwise fulfilling hobby.” “…” “Pussy.” “FIERY!” Meanwhile, chicken. “BRAKAWW!” Thank you chicken for your wonderful insight. Meanwhile, Second and Fiery were chillaxing together. “Hey Second… do you ever get the feeling… that you’re the anti-hero?” “…” “Second?” “Doritios.” “Huh?” “I. Need. Doritios.” “O mah god. I need Doritos too.” Everyone but Kyle and Connor went for a trip to the local 7/11. Josh went because he’s a fat-ass. They’d probably go to Taco Bell, too, but what do I know? I’m just the Narrator. (Jeez I don’t get paid enough for this) GET ME MY BEER! *ahem* Well, then Kyle Bucy noticed the giant shadow spider lord demon thingimajigger came right to them. Author: (If you know what I mean) EVERYONE: STFU Author: :okayface: Connor: Aren’t you supposed to be trippin’ hardcore right now? Author: Shut up floating banana. You won’t take my muffins! Derpy: MUFFIN?! PEOPLE READING: LOLWUT “SHIT GUISE! WE GOTTA RUN!” Kyle Bucy ran for his life. Connor looked everywhere for what he was talking about. Welp, it didn’t exist. What? Were you expecting a fight scene? No way! No one could fight now! They be stoned as a rock! And Connor doesn’t have amazing abilities like everyone else! “Hey!” Shut up. You aren’t supposed to hear me. “Author, calm down. “ What? And then it hit Author that he was a person again. He had been walking back to the group without realizing it. “Oh.” “You’re welcome.” [COAL] As Coal took a mighty swing at the hellspawn’s arm, he had a fleeting thought. I wonder what’s for dinner- No, that wasn’t it. I wonder what Applejack and RD are doing right now. If they’re banging that’s be so hot- Not that either. Hmm… ah, I know! I wonder what productive things the gang is doing? [EVERYONE ELSE BUT CONNOR, AUTHOR AND KYLE BUCY] “Sweet mother of Jesus god! This Doritos taco is bucking delicious!” “i no rite?” [COAL ] … No, they’re not doing anything productive. That I know. [EVERYONE ELSE BUT CONNOR, AUTHOR AND KYLE BUCY] “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! “SO MUCH SLURPEE!” [COAL] Hmm… Maybe they’re getting food? [EVERYONE ELSE BUT CONNOR, AUTHOR AND KYLE BUCY] “TO THE STRIP CLUB!” [COAL] Nah, they probably got high again. [CONNOR BUT CONNOR AND KYLE BUCY BUT AND KYLE BUCY DOLPHIN BUT CONNOR AND AUTHOR] lol wtf DEAL WITH IT! Anyway, Connor and a tripping Author- “OW!” -caught up to the fleeing Kyle, calmed him down (by way of baseball bat) and dragged his body to a bush to make sure no one would find his knocked out self. “Wait, I’d never do that!” Too bad Connor. Too bad. They then proceeded to go to a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream shop together, and professed their love, and had sweet sweet se- “No.” And then time re-winded, and they just went to a Burger King and ate to their heart’s content. And when everyone had long ago returned to their own home, long into the night, a lone figure dropped to the ground, a monster in his wake. “Hey guys…” … “Did I miss something?” … “…fuck.” THE END The author would like to say he would have written more made this quicker, but 60s Spiderman showed up and we had a “we don’t give a fuck” party.