“Twilight, I need you to buy me porn.”
“Wait, what?” Twilight says, looking up from her morning coffee and newspaper.
“I’m a grown man. A man horse, if you will. I haven’t gotten off in, like, a month because I don't understand female body parts and am too awkward to learn. Spike is jerking the gerkin three times a day. I want to get off. I need porn and a dildo.”
Twilight glares down at you, stupefied. You glare up at Twilight.
“No,” she says, baffled she had to say anything at all.
“BUT WHY? YOU KNOW I’M OF LEGAL AGE. KIND OF. NONE OF THE OTHER DUMB PONIES KNOW BUT YOU. I demand dildos.”
“No,” she says. “It can’t be done.”
“Why?!”
Twilight sighs and turns to give you her undivided attention.
“Anon, I’m a Princess. Do you know what would happen if I all of a sudden was seen in a sex shop? The press would go to town. Go to Rarity. She’s probably got a selection because she's old and lonely.”
“GROSS!” you groan. “I don’t want some gross used dildo. That's going inside my body.”
“How would you know the difference?” she asks. “You’ve never dealt with a vagina before. Or anything like this.”
“I will know the difference because I will think of your dumb fashion friend, slamming her hole with a huge dragon cock.”
“Wait, who ever said anything about a dragon cock.”
“I dunno man. It looks pretty. Like, why not? Treat yourself and S$#@.”
Twilight glares at you.
“Like, I figure if I’m gonna shove something in my body, I might as well get the good stuff and be a fancy B$#@# about it.”
She opens her mouth to refute you, but then looks away with a huff.
“I mean, that makes sense, and actually checks out. That's how I did it. But, we have Spike living here. It be really weird for you to have a dragon dildo around an actual dragon.”
You shrug.
“Yeah, but I don’t even really like him. He talks like a dying dog. He eats all of my secret food. And I think he eats his own poop.”
“Anon,” Twilight says to you. “Spike is not a dog, doesn’t eat his poop, and hasn’t had an accident in months.”
“Maybe in this world. But anyway. How else could I get off? I have needs, Twilight.”
“Well, you could use a pen like other mares your age.”
“But, like, that doesn’t seem big enough to scratch the itch.”
“And welcome to the first big lesson of marehood," Twilight says, turning to her paper. "What you say is: It’s not the size of the pen, it’s-”
“I AM NOT A MARE. I AM A HUMAN MALE.”
“You identify as a human male.”
“TWILIGHT.”
“I know, I know,” she says impatiently. “Just. Listen. I want you to realize that there is a solid, reasonable chance that you may never leave this body. And if that happens…”
You slam your hoof on the table.
“Don’t say that, Twilight.”
Twilight stops for a moment, then takes a deep breath before speaking again.
“Listen. Go see Rarity. I know you don’t like her, BUT, go get a dildo-!” Twilight stands up for a second, as if something suddenly dawned on her. “You’re an adult! We can talk about adult things! Which means I can make this joke!”
“What joke?” you ask.
A shine gleams in Twilight’s eyes.
“Anon,” Twilight says with pride. “Go %##@ yourself!”
“Anon! So lovely to see you,” Rarity calls as the bell to her Boutique jingles.
“Rarity,” you order. “Give me a dildo! I’m sure you have hundreds because you’re sad, pathetic, and alone."
“Well, She stopped crying, Anon,” Twilight says, walking into your bedroom, still wearing a saddlebag from Rarity’s Boutique that probably cost way too much.
“I still don’t get what I did,” you mutter. “You’re supposed to tell the truth as a kid.”
“Well, you just get to stay in your room and think about what you did,” Twilight commands.
“WHAT!” you shout in pure fury. “BUT I SPENT SO LONG IN HERE ALREADY. IT’S BEEN LIKE TWO HOURS.”
“Well, you have a whole lot to think about.” She says, walking out of the room. But then she stops, just before she leaves. “But, you did get Rarity to start dating again. So…”
Twilight drops the saddlebag, walks out, and closes the door behind her.
The room goes silent. What the heck? What did she just leave you? You pause and jump off of your bed. You scurry over to the bag and open it up.
Sure enough, in the bag, is a… unwrapped dragon dildo. You pull it out and examine it in mild amazement.
“Wait a second,” you mutter to yourself, continuing to pull MORE shaft out of the bag. “What the hell… this is SO BIG.”
You flip the bag and the whole dildo slinks out and flops onto the ground with a thwack.
“THIS IS BIGGER THAN MY TORSO. WHAT THE HELL. NO! THIS IS NOT GOING INSIDE ME!”
Then, a small pen clinked to the ground. You blinked. Then, a small note flutters to the bottom from inside the bag.
‘Lesson 2: Mares Make Do.”
You take a deep breath and grab the pen.
“Alright. Here goes nothing."