//------------------------------// // ...Half Life: Full Life Consequences // Story: The Crusaders read... // by The Blue EM2 //------------------------------// October, by this point, was wrapping up, and November was making its mark upon the world, especially noticeably in Canterlot. Although snow was yet to arrive (that was usually mid-November, although there was that one time when it snowed in September), the temperatures had dropped somewhat. In was in one home, down Lewis Road, that Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom had gathered, currently huddled around a computer at which Scootaloo was typing into a search engine. “Argh!” she said. “I know I have it somewhere!” “Why not just check yer search history?” Apple Bloom suggested. “My PC doesn’t record it,” Scootaloo replied. “That’s how it was set up.” “That must be a pain,” Sweetie Belle added. “Yeah.” Scootaloo continued typing, with a number of entries coming up. “Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction?” “We did that last time Scoots, remember?” Apple Bloom reminded her. “Oh,” Scootaloo replied. “Right.” She typed in another entry. “Cheerilee’s Garden?” Sweetie Belle looked closer. “Isn’t Cheerilee your Mom’s name?” “Yes, it is,” Scootaloo answered. “So who has been writing stories about her? And we don’t even have a garden!” Just then, the door opened, and in stepped Cheerilee herself. “Hi girls!” she said, with a smile. “You having a good time?” “Yeah!” Apple Bloom replied. “We’re just readin’ bad fanfiction fer our channel!” “Oh!” Cheerilee answered, stepping over. When she saw what was on the screen her eyes widened in horror. “Don’t read that one!” “Why?” Sweetie Belle asked, confused. “Because it is violent and has inappropriate content!” Cheerilee scolded. At that very moment, she realised she was not in the classroom. “Just-don’t.” Scootaloo glanced over. “Did something happen while you were out shopping?” she asked her mother. “Why do you ask?” Cheerilee asked in return. She hadn’t expected such a question. “Because you’re dressed completely differently to how you were dressed when you went out.” Scootaloo had a fair point. Rather than her usual white shirt, brown waistcoat (or vest, depending on who you asked), green skirt and brown boots, she was wearing a white short-sleeved shirt, a much shorter green skirt, and purple platform boots. Her hair was also done up in a completely different way to usual. “Reason I ask is because you look like one of your old College photos.” Scootaloo was almost immediately to the point. Cheerilee sighed. “Well, Rarity’s magic seems to have gone a bit haywire today. I was walking down the street on my way home when suddenly she walked up the street singing something about being the girl you want to be. Then something-magic, maybe?-shot out of her hands and flew in my general direction. One minute, I was dressed as I usually do, the next, I was wearing this.” She paused. “This whole magic thing is getting weird,” Sweetie Belle commented. “One minute, rainbow lasers and flying about, and the next, Rarity can magically change clothing?” She checked her own outfit, to ensure it hadn’t just turned into something else. “Yeah,” Cheerilee nodded. “Please ask your sister to be more careful in public. Now I just hope this wears off-” Just as she said this, another bright light flashed, and there she was dressed as normal. “Speak of Discord, and he shall appear!” Scootaloo proclaimed. “Did somebody say my name?” a voice asked. Cheerilee laughed. “Well, that cleans that one up. I’ll go start work on dinner. Then I have about 30 music exams to mark.” She left the room, her face looking grumpy, and then closed the door behind her. Scootaloo typed in something else. “Masters of the Universe?” Sweetie Belle went pale. “Scootaloo, that’s 50 Shades of Grey." “Maybe not.” The orange-skinned girl typed in something else. “My belo-” “NO!” the other two girls called. Just then, Scootaloo spotted another link. “Half-Life: Full Life Consequences?” She whooped. “Yes! This is the one I was looking for!” Sweetie Belle smiled. “This is the crème de la crème of bad fanfiction. Shall we begin?” With that, Scootaloo started the camera. The light went red, and into the intro they went. “Hi! I’m Sweetie Belle!” “Scootaloo, at your service!” “And Ah’m Apple Bloom. We are the Crusaders!” “As promised,” Scootaloo continued, “we are reading another bad fanfic. This time it is Half-Life: Full Life Consequences, written by none other than Squirrelking, who has been stinking up the internet with his rubbish for nearly a decade!” Apple Bloom looked closer. “Wow,” she said. “This is really old. 2006?” “Check out the description,” Sweetie Belle added, already confused by the bad English. “John Freeman who is Gordon Freemans brother has to do what has to be done and help Gordon Freemen defeat the enemys?” She shook her head. “Ouch.” “John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day an office typing at a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him-” “That must’ve hurt,” Scootaloo observed. “-and aksed him for help so he went.” Sweetie Belle’s jaw hung open. “Well that made next to no sense.” “How can a person be ‘an office’?” Apple Bloom asked. “Surely, ‘in an office’?” “John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform-” Scootaloo chuckled. “Why did he wet the platform?” “Clearly he was drinking too much coffee,” sweetie Belle replied, before continuing. “And wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close.” Her face showed a look of confusion as she read that sentence again. “And normal people close because he was still wearing his office labcoat?” “What does he mean by ‘normal people close’?” Apple Bloom asked. “May be meant that, because he was wearing his office attire, he had to put on civilian clothing,” Scootaloo ventured. “John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said ‘it is time for me to live up to my family name and face full life conseuquences” so he had to go. John Freeman ramped off the building and did backflips and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have wepon.” “We saw that typo back in Halos in Space, remember?” Scootaloo asked. “More evidence this guy is a troll.” “The countrysides were nice-” Sweetie Belle had to stop as she was now laughing too hard to speak. “I’m sorry. “The countrysides were nice and the flowers were singing and the birds and the sun were almost down from the top of the sky.” “Sorry, what?” Scootaloo asked. “Ah don’t think this is gonna start makin’ sense soon Scoots,” Apple Bloom added. “The mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said “its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys”. Stunned silence filled the room at the awfulness of the sentence, so Sweetie Belle continued. “John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.” “Had headcrabs?” Scootaloo asked. “I’m pretty certain headcrabs control a person. It’s not a disease or anything. Is it?” “I cant give you my lisense officer” John Freeman said “Why not?” said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman. “Because you are headcrab zombie” so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking “my brother is in trouble there” and went faster.” “Hold a minute!” Apple Bloom chimed in. “Ah thought he didn’t have a weapon. So how could he shoot the officer?” “Maybe he took the officer’s gun,” Sweetie Belle suggested. “John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw “Ravenholm” with someons writing under it saying “u shudnt come here” so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.” “Even I can spell better than that,” Scootaloo replied. “Went fast again would make more sense,” Apple Bloom said. “John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman. John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.” “Well, that’s better than what Joe Chief did with the weapon,” Sweetie Belle said. “Piced it up?” Scootaloo asked. “Language!” shouted a voice from the kitchen. “John Freeman said “Zombie goasts leave this place” and the zombie goasts said “but this is our house” and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.” “They weren’t at piece,” Apple Bloom noted. “True, they were in ‘pieces’, but not at peace.” “Where did he get the explosives from?” Scootaloo asked. “He could hardly have got them from his bike; that’s in pieces as well.” “Maybe he had some on him?” Sweetie Belle suggested. “Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.” Scootaloo burst out laughing. “The pants were dead? This guy’s great at comedy!” “Given pants are by their very nature inanimate, what could their bein’ dead possibly mean?” Apple Bloom asked. “Plants?” Sweetie Belle’s suggestion floated through the air. “When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss and Gordon said “John Freeman! Over here!” so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see. Gordon Freeman said “its time to end this ones and for all!” and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell. John Freeman said “thanks i could help, bro” and Gordon Freeman said “you should come here earlier next time” and they laughed.” “That was quick,” Apple Bloom shrugged. “All that buildup over in nothin’?” “Ones and for all?” Scootaloo asked. “There’s so much you could take from this!” “The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled “LOOK OUT BRO!” and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said “NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!” and John Freeman walked real fast out. John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry. “I’ll get you back evil boss!” John Freeman yelled at the top of lung.” “Overed quickly?” Scootaloo queried. “That is not a verb.” “And why was John standin’ on a pair of lungs?” Apple Bloom asked. “That simply don’t make sense!” “That’s all for this week!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “See you next week!” She then switched the camera off. “Talk about a cliffhanger,” Scootaloo sighed. “Shall we continue the story next week?” Apple Bloom asked. “Aren’t we at Cozy’s next week?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Let’s see what she thinks!”