//------------------------------// // ...Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction! // Story: The Crusaders read... // by The Blue EM2 //------------------------------// “So,” Scootaloo said, as she kicked off her trainers. Said trainers sailed across the room and hit the wall of Sweetie Belle’s bedroom, leaving a smudge on the wall. Given the wall was painted yellow, this was very noticeable. “Scootaloo!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed, shocked. “You’ve made a mess of the wall!” Scootaloo looked around her, her cheeks red. “Oops, sorry.” She then resumed her original line of enquiry. “What have you got for us this week?” Sweetie Belle closed Steam, then opened up her web browser, selecting a page she had bookmarked. “Does this qualify as bad enough?” she asked. Apple Bloom scanned over it, and looked closely. “Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction?” she asked. “Yup, this is bad enough!” She motioned for Sweetie Belle to start the camera. The girls prepared to give their intro. “Hi! I’m Sweetie Belle!” “Scootaloo, at your service!” “And Ah’m Apple Bloom. We are the Crusaders!” There was then an awkward pause. “As ya requested, we are doin’ another piece of bad fanfiction today. The ‘story’, if ya can call it such, is called ‘Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction.’” Scootaloo leaned in to look at the date. “Wow,” she said. “It was published only a few years ago.” Sweetie Belle sighed. “Is it the same guy-” “Or gal,” Apple Bloom interrupted. “-or girl as last time?” Sweetie Belle finished. “Nope!” Scootaloo answered. “This is by a...PeterChimaera. The last one was by SquirrelKing, right?” Apple Bloom nodded her head. “Well, shall we start?” Sweetie Belle cleared her throat, and began to read. “Atuhor’s nose-” Sweetie Belle immediately broke down in laughter. “What does that even mean?” she snorted, through a mass of giggles. “Do they mean ‘author’s note’?” Scootaloo ventured. “Maybe,” Apple Bloom replied. Sweetie Belle had finally composed herself, and resumed reading. “Atuhor’s nose: Uncycylopedia (which is online encyclopidia like wikiped) said I was writing story called Quarter-Life: Halfway to Destruction and dontn't know where come but I decide to write anyway.” “Uncycylopedia?” Apple Bloom asked. “I think he means Uncyclopedia,” Scootaloo explained. “It’s a satirical website that spoofs Wikipedia.” Apple Bloom simply nodded. “OK then. ‘And dontn't know where come but I decide to write anyway’? That doesn’t even make sense!” “Maybe he forgot to proofread?” Sweetie Belle suggested. “Always proofread your work, especially if someone else proofreads it for you.” Scootaloo grinned at her advice. “Well, that explains how ya put a comma in the middle of the word ‘hello’ in an essay once,” Apple Bloom said in a snarky manner. “Hey!” Scootaloo exclaimed. “That was Microsoft Word messing up!” “Shall we continue?” Sweetie Belle asked. “YEP!” the other two chorused. Sweetie Belle began reading again. “Chapter 1: What it Means.” Sweetie Belle paused. “What a weird title.” She then glanced down, and took a look at the next sentence. “Gordon Freechmen was studying in his was studying laboratoried. Fellow scientist cow-orker Jimm said "Gordon Freemant what are you working on" "UI have discovered new radoactive isatope but it is so vollatile that it does not have a half-life but quarter-life so we must observe with hasty". She stopped. “Seriously!” she exclaimed. “When writing dialogue, put a period or another piece of punctuation at the end of the sentence!” “The importance of speaking in punctuation can NEVER be understated,” Apple Bloom added. Scootaloo looked closer at the screen. “Notice he spells ‘Freeman’ differently each time the word is written,” she observed. “I also wonder what a ‘cow-orker’ is.” “An Ork that looks like a cow?” Apple Bloom suggested. “You’d know more than I would on that,” Scootaloo answered. Apple Bloom glared at her. “First, mah family ain’t farmers. We simply run the orchard on the side. Second, when we were briefly a farm-and that were before Ah were born-we never kept cows. It were pigs.” “That’s where Piggly-Wiggly comes from, right?” Sweetie Belle asked. Apple Bloom glared at her too. “Never mention that again! Anon-a-Miss gave me enough trauma as it was!” “Anyway,” Scootaloo added, “I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty certain that is NOT how radiation works.” Sweetie Belle cleared her throat. “Juts then a headcrab went on Jimms head OH NO WHERE DID HEADCRAB COME FROM! GHordon wents to get his crowbarb ut it was missing so hhad to borrow a claymore sword. He hits teh headcrab and Jimm was okay but his head was cut”. She shook her head. “Now that is the definition of a run-on sentence.” “I like how the author considers a Claymore to be an improvised weapon,” Scootaloo snorted. “Why’s he throwin’ a ground explosive at Jim’s head?” Apple Bloom asked. “Surely that would kill Jim!” “Not that type of claymore!” Scootaloo called. “The claymore here is a sword, often associated with the Highlanders of Scotland.” “Well, you’d know more about that than me, eh?” Apple Bloom answered. “Just because my mom’s maiden name is MacLeod does NOT make me Scottish!” Scootaloo replied. “So, Jim was OK but his head was cut?” Sweetie Belle asked. “That makes no sense; in fact, that’s a contradiction in terms!” “Ah’m assumin’ that ‘OH NO WHERE DID HEADCRAB COME FROM!’ is spoken dialogue?” Apple Bloom asked. “Because there’ no parentheses around it.” Sweetie Belle resumed reading before they could continue the debate. "Watch where you swings at me just kidding thanks" " HAha" They laughed "Whait oh no where id isotop?" "UIt is been stoled!" She simply facepalmed. “Good Lord, what a mess.” Scootaloo leaned in again. “Yeah. So, Jim is laughing even after being cut with a sword? So weird.” “And most of that last sentence has nothin’ ta do with the story.” Apple Bloom looked frustrated with the story already, but they had to finish it. “CHAPTER TWO: THEY REVOCER TEH ISOTROPE BUT THEY DON'T.” Sweetie Belle looked stunned. “What? Was that tiny parcel of text the entirety of chapter one?” “Way to go on telling us what’ll happen in the next chapter!” Scootaloo laughed. “Gordon and Jimm arrived at teh alien scene where a bad guy from the game said "I have take the isotope and it will cause meltdown!" "NO, NOT ALL OF DALLAS!" Which swas target of where they were and it was nice place and my friend lives there.” At that point the three girls just fell about laughing, and needed a moment to compose themselves. “Why tell us that bit about Dallas?” Scootaloo asked. “It completely breaks any immersion we had with the narrative.” “And who is ‘bad guy from the game’?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Anybody who hasn’t played Half-life will have no idea who they mean!” “Oh well,” Apple Bloom sighed. “As if this pile of junk is gonna make a lick of sense anytime soon.” "IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO MY DEMANS" "TOO LATE" and the isotope hit quarterlife and teh room was slowly become vaporize "Ew must escapes out of here fastly" but Jimm was already blowed to smitheroons.” “What on Earth?” Apple Bloom asked. “Ah’m pretty certain that is bad nuclear physics.” “And what is this word?” Scootaloo ventured. “Smitheroons? That is not a word!” “‘Ew must escapes out of here fastly’?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Does he mean, ‘We must escape quickly?’” “Oh well,” Apple Bloom sighed. “One more chapter ta go.” “CHAPTER THREE: DESTRUACTION IS IMMINANT.” Sweetie Belle sighed yet again. “PUNCTUATION! And why is he so concerned about getting distracted?” “Maybe he meant ‘destruction?’” Scootaloo suggested. “God only knows,” Apple Bloom added. “What I’d be without you!” Scootaloo answered. "This is Gordon Freeman how do we contain teh meltdown? I know!" And he used portals to push henemy headquarters into a portal so Dallas wouldnt melt down and it would only go off harmless in Atlantic ocean. "Hooray I scucceeded at winning the mission" "Not so fast, Mr. Gordon". Scootaloo shook her head. “The pacing is WAY too fast. There’s no time taken to develop any of these ideas, at all.” “And what’s with this random ending?” Apple Bloom asked. “It’s not a good way ta end a story, especially one as bad as this.” “That’s all for this week!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “See you next week!” She then switched the camera off. “So, Scootaloo, yer up next,” Apple Bloom smiled. “Got one ready?” “I got just the thing...”